Next step?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi!
I've been separated from NPD husband for over two years.  He filed for divorce a year ago and at that point, I hired my own lawyer to proceed with the divorce.  After 6 months, my husband ran out of money and could no longer pay his lawyer (husband either not employed or working part time) and still had not completed his financial disclosure, etc.  So here I am stuck in the beginning stages of a divorce against someone who is unable to pay for a lawyer.  Husband also not paying any child support and is on verge of personal bankruptcy.  I'm not sure what to do.  Husband's debt is in his name and has been obtained post separation.  Husband will probably not be able to afford a lawyer and will represent himself in divorce.

I want to get divorced but my legal costs will skyrocket as husband doesn't agree on any of the issues (child custody, support, etc.).  He was too disorganized to complete paperwork (financial statements) when he had a lawyer, how will he do it on his own?  Each step of the way will be costly to me (not husband)-asking for court orders to get him to complete paperwork, paying for my lawyer to spend time communicating with someone who doesn't understand the legal system.  I currently live in the family home with my children and can cover the payments for now, so I'm hesitant to rock this boat. Would appreciate any suggestions of what to do?  My lawyer is waiting on my go ahead to proceed with court orders and setting a trial date.  I don't want to spend endless amounts of money, nor do I have much available to spend. Husband says he wants to settle this out of court, but his actions have always spoken louder than his words. 

[Brighter Days]

Hi!
I've been separated from NPD husband for over two years.  He filed for divorce a year ago and at that point, I hired my own lawyer to proceed with the divorce.  After 6 months, my husband ran out of money and could no longer pay his lawyer (husband either not employed or working part time) and still had not completed his financial disclosure, etc.  So here I am stuck in the beginning stages of a divorce against someone who is unable to pay for a lawyer.  Husband also not paying any child support and is on verge of personal bankruptcy.  I'm not sure what to do.  Husband's debt is in his name and has been obtained post separation.  Husband will probably not be able to afford a lawyer and will represent himself in divorce.

I want to get divorced but my legal costs will skyrocket as husband doesn't agree on any of the issues (child custody, support, etc.).  He was too disorganized to complete paperwork (financial statements) when he had a lawyer, how will he do it on his own?  Each step of the way will be costly to me (not husband)-asking for court orders to get him to complete paperwork, paying for my lawyer to spend time communicating with someone who doesn't understand the legal system.  I currently live in the family home with my children and can cover the payments for now, so I'm hesitant to rock this boat. Would appreciate any suggestions of what to do?  My lawyer is waiting on my go ahead to proceed with court orders and setting a trial date.  I don't want to spend endless amounts of money, nor do I have much available to spend. Husband says he wants to settle this out of court, but his actions have always spoken louder than his words. 

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like "you gotta do what you gotta do."  Putting it off won't improve matters.  Fretting is nonproductive too.  Even a seemingly slow progress in court is better than none.

I don't know why you have to let him get away with failing to provide information.  Delay is working for him, as worked for many of our members' ex-spouses.  I recall in my own divorce my ex never provided her income information.  The separation & divorce took two years.  To get things moving, the lawyers agreed, and so did the magistrate, to credit her paperwork with imputed income at the full-time minimum wage level.  That as just a little below what she had been earning a few years before.  Maybe that could work for you?  Do you have proof of what he has earned in recent years?  Since you have doubts about squeezing milk from a stone (reference to fables) then get him to agree to something close to his prior income levels as imputed income.

Many of us here who have gone through the process and come out the other side have remarked that once it's over, we were able to move on and recover our lives.  That's your goal, to get your life back and move on.  Yes, it's tough now but bulldoze through the mess and costs and you won't look back.  Ponder over the obstacles, let go the minor sticking points while holding firm for the important issues such as who handles custodial issues and how the parenting time schedule is arranged.  Often judges are adamant to keep the custody matters as joint custody (they don't want to arbitrarily lock out a parent) you can get nearly the same thing as full custody by being declared the joint parent with Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  That way if there is a stalemate on major custody issues, he's the one that has to go to court, not you.

Also, be careful not to trade away yourself or your children just to "get it over with".  He says he can't pay the support or won't pay?  No matter, proceed, let the court decide what the support levels should be.  He's an adult, non-payment is his concern, not yours.  If ordered CS is low, move on, get the divorce final, most courts allow child support to be recalculated after a year or two to verify if there have been any changes in the calcs.

[Panda39]

My thought... .

Stop worrying about your stbx and what he is and isn't doing, he's responsible for his own life. 

You do what you need to do for you and your children. Focus on your own needs and the needs of your children.  He's dragging his feet and has lots of "issues" and "problems" and is using them to hang you up.  Push through the FOG... .move on with your life. 

Panda39