At a crossroads

[deadpansnarker]

Hello everyone.

I'm a 20-something woman soon to be college graduate, raised by an undiagnosed borderline mother.  I've been with my BF since high school and he was the one to show me that my family is not normal.  I've been in and out of therapy since then while away at school.  Diagnosed panic disorder and mom clearly has some kind of Cluster B personality.  I was emotionally abused; I was the perfect oldest child and I didn't really see anything wrong.  I used to think that things changed when I met BF, but I realized she's always been abusive.  She just became especially intense when she (presumably) felt abandoned as I started to become an individual.  I grew to disagree with her politically and was accused of being brainwashed.

I've come a long way in the last five years and I've more or less been able to detach from my mother, but I'm still working on purging the lasting negative effects on my psyche.  I'm working on things such as my at-times-crippling perfectionism and my ability to accept positivity about myself (taking compliments, being kind to myself) etc.

I'm still in contact with BP mom but I only see her on holiday breaks.  But in six months I am moving across the country to live with my BF during his internship.  I told BP mom over Thanksgiving break and I was hoping she would be proud of him (as I know she is extremely achievement oriented) but she was disappointed that we would be so far away.  She said he should have considered an offer closer to his family (projection) because his mother would miss him.  She then asked me if I would mind if she followed us there - younger brother is finally in college, dad works away from home (currently on the opposite coast of BF's job, BP mom and rest of family currently lives in the Midwest), they are selling my childhood home in the Spring but I have no idea what their plans are after that.  When she saw BF, she said "jokingly" with a pout on her face "you're taking my baby away from me".

I have moved on mentally, but I am still moving on emotionally and soon going to move on physically.  Considering transitioning to LC and then NC.  Mostly here to help people and look for friends who have the same shared experiences.

[Turkish]

LC to NC is a significant step. 

Does she have the means of following you geographically?

[deadpansnarker]

I don't think she has the means to actually follow us, especially since we'll be in a large city and even then the cost of living would be too much for her.  It's just disappointing that she's still so attached to me.  I haven't even told her that BF got a second internship which will keep us 2000 miles away from May to December 2018, because I'm worried about the reaction.  She is famous for throwing tantrums on every holiday, including other peoples' birthdays (as many other non-BPs are probably familiar with).  Christmas this year we'll be on the road with her visiting my father's family.

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on graduating and starting a new life with your BF in another city.

I am older than you are ( middle age) and my BPD mother is an elderly widow. Every once in a while she mentions moving closer to me. I understand that she sees her friends who have a good relationship with their nearby children and grandchildren- and she wants that too.


What I have found over the years with my mother is that she has fantasies of what she wants and what she will do. She has mentioned doing all kinds of things over the years that are unrealistic. If I mention that they are, she pitches a fit. It's a difficult situation to decide to be truthful - please don't move near me- or to just let her talk.

However, I have discussed my boundaries with her. I know I can't control whats he does. She could choose to move anywhere she wants. I have said though that if she did move near me- I would be busy. I could see her on occasion but I have responsibilities. She would have to have her own place and her own interests/friends/activities. Her responses to these boundaries are not pleasant, and she gets angry, but I feel better knowing that I have expressed them.

Other times, I feel she is just talking what she feels and so I leave it alone.

Parents with PD's tend to see their children as extensions of themselves. She thinks that what she wants is what you want too, and when you express that you are a different person, that is hard for her. I am a parent too and I think we have to realize that our children are their own individuals, but sometimes it isn't easy to see our kids with different ideas than us. Still, we have to have the maturity to understand that- our children- and other family members are not us. I don't think this is easy for parents with PD's.

I think LC is a possible step to take, and for some people NC is the best step but it doesn't have to be done all at once. The move with your BF will create some distance. With or without contact with your mother, you are you, not her. Your purpose is not to change your path just to make her happy ( that doesn't work).

[madeline7]

Sounds like you are at an exciting point in your life, and it is unfortunate that your parent with PD is unable to give you the support and encouragement that you and your BF deserve. You are young yet very insightful and have a very wise BF. The road ahead is usually more challenging when a BP parent is involved. In my case I moved far away when I was about your age. The distance helped but things changed when my elderly uBPDm moved close to be near me and my siblings. Now the drama has caused a rift between me and my siblings. I am the one painted black even though everyone is aware that my Mom is mentally ill. I fantasize about leaving the area, but at my age, I do not have many options. I went into denial for a period of time and I wish I had stayed mindfull in knowing the pitfalls of dealing with a borderline. So stay present like you are and wishing you all the best.