Putting the pieces together in hindsight

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was too trusting and got burned. When she walked out on me the first time last year (in one of her emotional fits) she lied and said she stayed with her female friend that she was living with when we met. She had called me crying, apologizing the next day, begging for another chance. That's when I asked her where she was and she said her old female roommate's house. I gave her that second chance but told her she'd have to find her own place, that she couldn't live with me. She did, but ultimately talked herself back into my house.

Fast forward six months from that time and she was in one of her hysterical moods. She started threatening to end the relationship again and I reminded her she would have no 3rd chance. For some reason I had always been suspicious about her last departure and where she had gone. I told her I didn't trust that she had gone to her friend's, and in her moment of anger she blurted out that she had lied to me and stayed with her ex-boyfriend. It was a devastating blow for me. It changed everything.

I realized the entire 2nd chance was based upon a lie, that she had been calling me from the ex-boyfriend's place when she was begging for another shot at things. She said that she didn't sleep with him, but I think that's BS. This is a woman who has no financial problems and could have stayed at a 4 star hotel if she wanted. She went to him for comfort. I was recently cleaning out old emails and looking at the dates of the ones she sent me when she was allegedly staying at her friends, and it was a solid 3 weeks before she found her new place. So, she was with him at least 3 weeks.

We had seen each other a few times in person during this time, and had been intimate. It is a bitter pill to swallow that this woman was probably sleeping with him at the same time as me. I am so angry about this. I have never been cheated on in my life. I think when she called me crying the morning after leaving, it's because she had sex with him the night before and was assuaging her guilt. Again, my anger is getting the best of me about this. I feel so wronged, and I am livid that I was so trusting. Even after that time, her computer and phone habits were sometimes a little suspect but I told myself I never wanted to be that snooping person, and that if you love somebody, set them free. I don't know how I will trust again after this. I now think I was foolish for NOT snooping on her phone and computer because it could have helped me long ago.

[crushedagain]

I was too trusting and got burned. When she walked out on me the first time last year (in one of her emotional fits) she lied and said she stayed with her female friend that she was living with when we met. She had called me crying, apologizing the next day, begging for another chance. That's when I asked her where she was and she said her old female roommate's house. I gave her that second chance but told her she'd have to find her own place, that she couldn't live with me. She did, but ultimately talked herself back into my house.

Fast forward six months from that time and she was in one of her hysterical moods. She started threatening to end the relationship again and I reminded her she would have no 3rd chance. For some reason I had always been suspicious about her last departure and where she had gone. I told her I didn't trust that she had gone to her friend's, and in her moment of anger she blurted out that she had lied to me and stayed with her ex-boyfriend. It was a devastating blow for me. It changed everything.

I realized the entire 2nd chance was based upon a lie, that she had been calling me from the ex-boyfriend's place when she was begging for another shot at things. She said that she didn't sleep with him, but I think that's BS. This is a woman who has no financial problems and could have stayed at a 4 star hotel if she wanted. She went to him for comfort. I was recently cleaning out old emails and looking at the dates of the ones she sent me when she was allegedly staying at her friends, and it was a solid 3 weeks before she found her new place. So, she was with him at least 3 weeks.

We had seen each other a few times in person during this time, and had been intimate. It is a bitter pill to swallow that this woman was probably sleeping with him at the same time as me. I am so angry about this. I have never been cheated on in my life. I think when she called me crying the morning after leaving, it's because she had sex with him the night before and was assuaging her guilt. Again, my anger is getting the best of me about this. I feel so wronged, and I am livid that I was so trusting. Even after that time, her computer and phone habits were sometimes a little suspect but I told myself I never wanted to be that snooping person, and that if you love somebody, set them free. I don't know how I will trust again after this. I now think I was foolish for NOT snooping on her phone and computer because it could have helped me long ago.

[Lost-love-mind]

. I feel so wronged, and I am livid that I was so trusting. Even after that time, her computer and phone habits were sometimes a little suspect but I told myself I never wanted to be that snooping person, and that if you love somebody, set them free. I don't know how I will trust again after this. I now think I was foolish for NOT snooping on her phone and computer because it could have helped me long ago.

No, snooping? I look back and her 2 phone numbers (one I suspect was Pinger) and her email habit. she never let me see her phone, at all. Not that I really ever wanted to snoop. Just never seemed possible she was lining up my replacement.
My exBPD had poor in person communication skills, that she later gaslighted me as a npd. But, she constantly Texted and emailed.
When she took a new factory job, I suspected the men would be all over her beautiful blues and blonde hair. Who knows?
Feel sorry for the next guy. Move on.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi crushed,

You have a right to feel angry and hurt by what happened.  Anyone would, so it's OK to have these feelings and let them pass through you.  Try not to hold onto them when they are ready to go however.  That can be the hard part.  We've all met those people who are angry at the world for the wrongs that were done them in the past.  The key part as we heal in time is to keep those things where they belong - in the past - and not let them taint our futures.  

I don't know how I will trust again after this.

You suspected all was not what it seemed, or what she wanted you to believe.  Perhaps, the lesson in this is not that it isn't a good idea to trust another partner, but instead that it IS a good idea to trust yourself.  How are you at trusting your own judgement generally?  Maybe this is something to think about when you are ready and through the worst of this emotional journey.  It seems to me that your gut instincts are on point.  What then caused you to ignore them?  Food for thought.  

Do you have some healthy outlets for your feelings right now in order to keep from getting stuck in cyclical thinking?  Talking about this can help, also I found that to release my anger I did well to train really hard at the gym until my body could hold nothing more.  Recently I've taken up artistic expression and am pouring my emotions onto canvas or paper in a multitude of ways.  This is extremely therapeutic.  What works for you?

Love and light x