oh joy

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 20 yo daughter had yet another terrible experience with an older man and called melting down. She doesn't have a phone because she keeps losing hers and we started refusing to pay for them after the 5th one, so she went to a different ex boyfriend's place to use his phone. They got in a fist fight last week.

She wanted to come stay with us (she lives an hour away). We have already determined that is a bad idea in general because all she wants is to be taken care of and she regresses horribly at our home. On top of that, the emotional anguish it causes me and my husband is unbearable. On top of THAT, I am in my first semester of grad school and have a final tomorrow and on  Wednesday.

My husband offered to go spend the whole day with her, and I told her she could have me on Thursday. She said all the expected things, like I don't have time to be her mom, she doesn't even recognize us anymore, we aren't spending Christmas with her... (see my other post - we had to postpone our anniversary trip earlier this year because she got arrested and we allowed her to move home)... .etc. I repeated several times that she was upset because what we could offer her isn't what she wants. She said, you're right, that isn't what I want, I'm just being selfish (sarcastically) and hung up.

So, that's that. Now I get to try to continue studying for my finals. I already failed my first project in one class and almost certainly will get a C because i was so distraught over her being homeless and having to bring her back and put her in inpatient care back in September.

Doing the right thing is as miserable as doing the wrong thing sometimes. I feel good that I held my ground though. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

My 20 yo daughter had yet another terrible experience with an older man and called melting down. She doesn't have a phone because she keeps losing hers and we started refusing to pay for them after the 5th one, so she went to a different ex boyfriend's place to use his phone. They got in a fist fight last week.

She wanted to come stay with us (she lives an hour away). We have already determined that is a bad idea in general because all she wants is to be taken care of and she regresses horribly at our home. On top of that, the emotional anguish it causes me and my husband is unbearable. On top of THAT, I am in my first semester of grad school and have a final tomorrow and on  Wednesday.

My husband offered to go spend the whole day with her, and I told her she could have me on Thursday. She said all the expected things, like I don't have time to be her mom, she doesn't even recognize us anymore, we aren't spending Christmas with her... (see my other post - we had to postpone our anniversary trip earlier this year because she got arrested and we allowed her to move home)... .etc. I repeated several times that she was upset because what we could offer her isn't what she wants. She said, you're right, that isn't what I want, I'm just being selfish (sarcastically) and hung up.

So, that's that. Now I get to try to continue studying for my finals. I already failed my first project in one class and almost certainly will get a C because i was so distraught over her being homeless and having to bring her back and put her in inpatient care back in September.

Doing the right thing is as miserable as doing the wrong thing sometimes. I feel good that I held my ground though. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Flyfisherwoman]

Hi there,
Thank you for posting this and sharing. I have just signed up and am new on here. I am dealing with similar behaviours although my son is not homeless (yet). It is something I absolutely dread facing if it comes to it. I am so pleased you are able to do something so good for yourself through studying! That's fantastic! Do keep this up! I send you the warmest wishes

[skooz]

Wow, I am SO proud of you for standing your ground!  I totally agree that doing the right thing is as miserable as doing the wrong thing sometimes.  However, the difference is that you can feel good about your resolve when you do the right thing; whereas doing the wrong thing just leaves you kicking yourself later.

I'm a rank newbie but I can tell I am going to learn a lot here.

I am also in school; or was.  I took a leave of absence at the beginning of this semester because I have so much to figure out with my daughter.  I hope to begin again in May for summer semester, maybe part time.  I'm an RN nurse trying to finish my BSN.  The drama can make it very, very tough to concentrate.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Skooz!

Thank you for the reply! It is SO hard to concentrate. I tried going back a couple of years ago and it was definitely the wrong time . Luckily I didn't like that program either so I'm glad I waited.

Standing my ground definitely paid off. She was freaking out over at her ex boyfriend's house (with whom she had a very codependent/probably emotionally abusive relationship) and she pulled herself together enough to call the cops and get taken to the hospital! She said she started wrapping something around her neck and then grabbed his phone and called the police. I am so STUNNED. Just totally floored. She made a decision to take care of herself when she wasn't safe in a constructive way that didn't involve reaching out to more horrible older men! unbelievable.

So hopefully she's there for 5 days or so. That's how long they kept her in inpatient last time. She'll be good coming out of that for a bit. And my best friend (basically her aunt) hounded me for 2 days into agreeing to see if my daughter wants to go visit her for Christmas while my husband and I are on our anniversary trip!

My best friend is in AA and has a very similar past to my daughters, but she could show her what it's like to overcome some of these things and live a life that is of value. And even better is that my daughter could see her brother (who was adopted by another family). I'm so grateful I keep crying. I hope it works out. Trying not to get too excited.

How old is your daughter? 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi there,
Thank you for posting this and sharing. I have just signed up and am new on here. I am dealing with similar behaviours although my son is not homeless (yet). It is something I absolutely dread facing if it comes to it. I am so pleased you are able to do something so good for yourself through studying! That's fantastic! Do keep this up! I send you the warmest wishes

Hi flyfisherwoman! Welcome to the site! I think I signed up 2 days ago and I have just thrown myself into it. It is really therapeutic. What everyone says is true, people who haven't been through this just can't understand what it's like. Sending you warm wishes as well and I'm glad you're here.