Borderline Mother Refusing Treatment

[dsf43]

Hey everyone!

This is my first post on here. Looking for someone who can relate to me and/or offer some advice. My mother was diagnosed with BPD after a suicide attempt about 7 years ago. She has continuously denied her diagnosis and refuses to take any prescribed medication or go to therapy. I, along with my six siblings, have been extremely negatively impacted throughout the years by her irrational behavior and lack of willingness to accept her diagnosis. Her behavior has become steadily worse throughout the years, ranging from stealing and gambling to more suicide attempts. Her condition leaves her unfit to care for my siblings, leaving the burden on me and my older sister. My father has completely cut ties with her and the situation as he "can't be bothered with the drama." I am at a loss as to what to do in order to help her. I can't force her to take medication, but I also can't sit by and watch as she ruins her life as well as the lives of the people that are supposed to be able to depend on her.

Any suggestions?

[Turkish]

It's a heavy burden to be put into such a place.  How old are your younger siblings,  and what's the custody situation vis-a-vis your father?

[dsf43]

My siblings are 23, 20, 17, 15, 12 and 5. Father has every other holiday for the 12 and 15 year old (parents are divorced), but lives across the country and does not have much contact otherwise.

[Turkish]

So dad is effectively out of the picture... .

I can guess a lot of burden is also on the 17 year old.  Do you feel that the kids are in immediate danger? Or is it what you know is the emotional stuff in addition to the logistics of what your mother may not be covering?

[Arya89]

Hi dsf43,

I can really relate to your situation, my partner and I have on/off custody of his 3 youngest siblings due to his mother's BPD. This can be incredibly tricky as she alternates between hating us when we take responsibility for 'her' children and hating the children when she has to take responsibility for them - basically perpetually seeking victim status. I don't have any hard-fast answers but there are a few boundaries I have set along the way which seem to help:

Firstly, don't respond to your mother's outbursts, acknowledge them and encourage her to seek professional help (I tend to say something like, "I can see your hurting right now and I suggest you call a doctor."and then leave the situation by going out of the house or going to your room.

Secondly, don't take on any guilt for her actions. I tend to say to myself: "She is an adult, these are her choices. I am not responsible for them. She knows where to seek help if she wants to change."

Third, remember you are not the children's parent. Yes support them. Yes help them to understand their mother's behaviour but don't take on all the responsibility alone. In the past whenever my Mother-in-law used to call me saying the kids were misbehaving, hitting her etc I used to respond by disciplining them, I now see that there behaviour is just a reponse to her abuse and I refuse to get involved with the situation. I have my own set of boundaries for how the children interact with me.

Finally, I know this isn't easy but if your younger siblings are at risk of emotional or physical harm you have a responsibility to speak to the authorities. Your mother will no doubt react badly to this but it is for the good of the children. It also may encourage your mum to get help (though sadly this wasn't my experience). If you choose to go down this route explain to whoever you speak to a little about her suspected BPD and what this means, and remember whatever the outcome she is responsible for the consequences of her actions not you.