6 years together, my fiance left me and blamed me for everything

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I've been really down for the past week my fiance wanted a break and she hasn't gotten back to me so I called her today and she sounds completely normal, she blocked me off from her instagram a few days ago and my brother told me she uploaded photos with her girlfriends, she seems happy.

She has had a rough childhood as her mother is bipolar and has a very dysfunctional family as her parents got divorced. I asked her sister if my fiance was doing okay and she said i was playing the victim and never supported her dreams but her sister has never talked to me this way as I had helped her with her previous breakup when she needed help.

I met my ex in college and it was love from the very beginning, I thought I had found my soulmate. We have been together for six years and had our fights but nothing this serious. She also broke up with me on our first month, she had commitment issues and she said i'm smothering her and wanted space but she eventually got back with me. I know her and this is something she'd never do now after all these years, but i guess you never really know anyone.

She has hurt me countless times and I've never said a word to avoid fights with her as her happiness means everything to me. Sometimes out of the blue she starts being very mean to me and bring up all the things i haven't done for her but she always said sorry afterwards and thanked me for my patience.

I've abandoned all communication with all my female friends from college till uni for her as she got very jealous and cried a lot. So she made a rule I couldn’t talk to girls anymore so I told her to do the same for me then and we made a pact. Now she says she has grown and that I should do the same instead of telling her not to be friends with guys, but I don't get why she'd blame me for a rule she set in the first place. When I tried explaining everything she was accusing and blaming me for everything, she said I was bringing up the past.

I've even been going back and forth from my country and even left my job as she said she would commit suicide and I needed to give her a date when I'd be back. She has done this every two months we were apart as I had already completed my studies and was back in my country trying to get a job over and over again. She kept on promising it would be the last time that I had to come over and she'd stop wasting time and that we'd finally get married. Basically I bent down to her every wish as I wanted to be there for her and only cared for her happiness. Her mom said I was an ambition less freeloader and she brought that up too every time we had fights but she never realized it was all cause of her.

She has never been good with money as she was always broke when I wasn't around, I've been saving up for quite some time for our future together and she spent all of it right after I left again and when i asked her what she spent it on she said she doesn't remember and i never forced her to tell me cause it would only lead to another fight. She kept on borrowing money and I never asked for it back as I didn't feel the need to. I've given her everything she needed and treated her with love and affection always and never started a fight but I'm not perfect either as I had let her down on some things too but those dreams she had were very distant in the future and quite unrealistic and we've even talked about getting things sorted out in the present first and then revisit those dreams.

She has really high ambitions which I really admire and I've been a really go with the flow kinda guy and adapted and changed to her needs and she said she loved that about me. When she was in college she could never complete assignments which she didn't feel like doing and I completed them and handed it in for her. I even failed a semester just to be with her. I also didnt move to canada for my degree as nothing mattered more to me than her.

Later she went to law school for a degree but flunked out cause she said she didn't want to do it anymore. She joined uni and flunked out on her last semester and said she didnt want to continue but I kinda pressured her to try at least cause everyone else was hoping she'd graduate and I knew her family with throw a fit about it. I didnt want her to have any regret of not even being able to try to complete what she wanted to do.

Even her mother forced her to ask me to buy a ring for her and at that time I had no money at all as I had kept on spending it on her, but I still got a job and paid for it. I couldn't even propose to her like I had dreamed of, as she kept on pressuring me to buy her a ring as her mother wanted. Once her mother called her a ___ and she said she'd never talk to her mother again and I told her nothing means more than family and to at least give her another chance which I realize now that it was a bad idea.

Even my parents had warned me that her mother didn't seem right to them, but if I loved the girl nothing else mattered, my parents have been supportive throughout and I regret not spending time with them more as I had abandoned them day and night just to be with her.

Other than all of this, she has been really sweet, romantic and supportive in most of our time together.  We have had our really good times and I've never been in love with anyone this much. She even converted her religion for me which I believe put a toll on her as her mother kept insisting not to. Basically her mother has always been a problem in our relationship, I feel like her mother never really liked me and kept testing me or trying to break us apart cause every time she'd visit or even talk to my fiance, we would have huge fights about silly things and she kept bringing up the past and calling me ambition less like her mom.

She has been going through some work stress recently and didn't message me for two days and I got worried as this was not like her so when i asked her why, she flipped and started bringing up everything I haven't done for her in the past and that I never showed her support, and when i explained everything again she said I was bringing up the past. She said she needs time to grow herself and I should too. I found out she went to visit her mother last week and I think she obviously said something to her again and she couldn't take it anymore.

I've left everything for her, I left my job, my friends, my family, my dreams and hopes just to be with her as nothing mattered to me more than her happiness. And now it just seems like she doesn't even care for me or never did at all and make me feel like I've never done anything for her. I figured out she has depression a long time ago but every time we've been together everything was fine but every time I left, she got very emotional and suicidal. I've supported her and her decisions as much as I could but making me feel like I haven't tried at all has really hurt me. I know my fault was taking all the blame and keeping it all inside too as my friends had warned me over and over not to do that.

It feels like my fiance has been a puppet and never has her own thoughts but dances to everything her mother has to say about us. I guess I just don't like the feeling of being hanged out to dry and I'm playing the victim like they all are claiming, sorry for the long ass essay but I just need some reassurance that it really wasn't all my fault.

She was never physically abusive like bipolar but mental abuse and playing games has always been around with her. Im guessing since her mom has bipolar and she has had a bad childhood could have undiagnosed BPD/npd or both.

[ConcernedMan92]

Hi, I've been really down for the past week my fiance wanted a break and she hasn't gotten back to me so I called her today and she sounds completely normal, she blocked me off from her instagram a few days ago and my brother told me she uploaded photos with her girlfriends, she seems happy.

She has had a rough childhood as her mother is bipolar and has a very dysfunctional family as her parents got divorced. I asked her sister if my fiance was doing okay and she said i was playing the victim and never supported her dreams but her sister has never talked to me this way as I had helped her with her previous breakup when she needed help.

I met my ex in college and it was love from the very beginning, I thought I had found my soulmate. We have been together for six years and had our fights but nothing this serious. She also broke up with me on our first month, she had commitment issues and she said i'm smothering her and wanted space but she eventually got back with me. I know her and this is something she'd never do now after all these years, but i guess you never really know anyone.

She has hurt me countless times and I've never said a word to avoid fights with her as her happiness means everything to me. Sometimes out of the blue she starts being very mean to me and bring up all the things i haven't done for her but she always said sorry afterwards and thanked me for my patience.

I've abandoned all communication with all my female friends from college till uni for her as she got very jealous and cried a lot. So she made a rule I couldn’t talk to girls anymore so I told her to do the same for me then and we made a pact. Now she says she has grown and that I should do the same instead of telling her not to be friends with guys, but I don't get why she'd blame me for a rule she set in the first place. When I tried explaining everything she was accusing and blaming me for everything, she said I was bringing up the past.

I've even been going back and forth from my country and even left my job as she said she would commit suicide and I needed to give her a date when I'd be back. She has done this every two months we were apart as I had already completed my studies and was back in my country trying to get a job over and over again. She kept on promising it would be the last time that I had to come over and she'd stop wasting time and that we'd finally get married. Basically I bent down to her every wish as I wanted to be there for her and only cared for her happiness. Her mom said I was an ambition less freeloader and she brought that up too every time we had fights but she never realized it was all cause of her.

She has never been good with money as she was always broke when I wasn't around, I've been saving up for quite some time for our future together and she spent all of it right after I left again and when i asked her what she spent it on she said she doesn't remember and i never forced her to tell me cause it would only lead to another fight. She kept on borrowing money and I never asked for it back as I didn't feel the need to. I've given her everything she needed and treated her with love and affection always and never started a fight but I'm not perfect either as I had let her down on some things too but those dreams she had were very distant in the future and quite unrealistic and we've even talked about getting things sorted out in the present first and then revisit those dreams.

She has really high ambitions which I really admire and I've been a really go with the flow kinda guy and adapted and changed to her needs and she said she loved that about me. When she was in college she could never complete assignments which she didn't feel like doing and I completed them and handed it in for her. I even failed a semester just to be with her. I also didnt move to canada for my degree as nothing mattered more to me than her.

Later she went to law school for a degree but flunked out cause she said she didn't want to do it anymore. She joined uni and flunked out on her last semester and said she didnt want to continue but I kinda pressured her to try at least cause everyone else was hoping she'd graduate and I knew her family with throw a fit about it. I didnt want her to have any regret of not even being able to try to complete what she wanted to do.

Even her mother forced her to ask me to buy a ring for her and at that time I had no money at all as I had kept on spending it on her, but I still got a job and paid for it. I couldn't even propose to her like I had dreamed of, as she kept on pressuring me to buy her a ring as her mother wanted. Once her mother called her a ___ and she said she'd never talk to her mother again and I told her nothing means more than family and to at least give her another chance which I realize now that it was a bad idea.

Even my parents had warned me that her mother didn't seem right to them, but if I loved the girl nothing else mattered, my parents have been supportive throughout and I regret not spending time with them more as I had abandoned them day and night just to be with her.

Other than all of this, she has been really sweet, romantic and supportive in most of our time together.  We have had our really good times and I've never been in love with anyone this much. She even converted her religion for me which I believe put a toll on her as her mother kept insisting not to. Basically her mother has always been a problem in our relationship, I feel like her mother never really liked me and kept testing me or trying to break us apart cause every time she'd visit or even talk to my fiance, we would have huge fights about silly things and she kept bringing up the past and calling me ambition less like her mom.

She has been going through some work stress recently and didn't message me for two days and I got worried as this was not like her so when i asked her why, she flipped and started bringing up everything I haven't done for her in the past and that I never showed her support, and when i explained everything again she said I was bringing up the past. She said she needs time to grow herself and I should too. I found out she went to visit her mother last week and I think she obviously said something to her again and she couldn't take it anymore.

I've left everything for her, I left my job, my friends, my family, my dreams and hopes just to be with her as nothing mattered to me more than her happiness. And now it just seems like she doesn't even care for me or never did at all and make me feel like I've never done anything for her. I figured out she has depression a long time ago but every time we've been together everything was fine but every time I left, she got very emotional and suicidal. I've supported her and her decisions as much as I could but making me feel like I haven't tried at all has really hurt me. I know my fault was taking all the blame and keeping it all inside too as my friends had warned me over and over not to do that.

It feels like my fiance has been a puppet and never has her own thoughts but dances to everything her mother has to say about us. I guess I just don't like the feeling of being hanged out to dry and I'm playing the victim like they all are claiming, sorry for the long ass essay but I just need some reassurance that it really wasn't all my fault.

She was never physically abusive like bipolar but mental abuse and playing games has always been around with her. Im guessing since her mom has bipolar and she has had a bad childhood could have undiagnosed BPD/npd or both.

[vanx]

Concernedman92, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like even though you see a lot of positives in the relationship, you've sacrificed a lot and went through quite a lot. It is understandable to feel down and have a sense of loss since it sounds like you feel kind of shut out.
What are your hopes for the situation? What is your plan moving forward? Don't mean to push you--it's ok if you're not sure. I think simply taking care of yourself right now is the most important. My thought is, no matter what the future holds for the relationship, you describe a lot of serious sacrifices. I think you greatly owe it to yourself to reconnect with what you have lost--friends, family, dreams. These things are very precious to your wellbeing and in my frank opinion, no one is worth losing them over. It is wonderful to love someone and care for them, but I think I am hearing you describe that this has cost you in many ways, and is perhaps pretty emotionally exhausting.
How are you coping day to day? Are there people you can reach out to? You can definitely count on us here to provide understanding and support. Please be very kind to yourself.

[vanx]

Finally, it is NOT all your fault. Take ownership of your responsibility for your end of things, but do not beat yourself up or accept blame. It sounds like you tried to make everything work. You know you did, so don't let her hang false accusations on you. You've already sacrificed too much--you are worth too much to also give away your confidence and truth. 

[TurbanCowboy]

Hi, I've been really down for the past week my fiance wanted a break and she hasn't gotten back to me so I called her today and she sounds completely normal, she blocked me off from her instagram a few days ago and my brother told me she uploaded photos with her girlfriends, she seems happy.

She has had a rough childhood as her mother is bipolar and has a very dysfunctional family as her parents got divorced. I asked her sister if my fiance was doing okay and she said i was playing the victim and never supported her dreams but her sister has never talked to me this way as I had helped her with her previous breakup when she needed help.

I met my ex in college and it was love from the very beginning, I thought I had found my soulmate. We have been together for six years and had our fights but nothing this serious. She also broke up with me on our first month, she had commitment issues and she said i'm smothering her and wanted space but she eventually got back with me. I know her and this is something she'd never do now after all these years, but i guess you never really know anyone.

She has hurt me countless times and I've never said a word to avoid fights with her as her happiness means everything to me. Sometimes out of the blue she starts being very mean to me and bring up all the things i haven't done for her but she always said sorry afterwards and thanked me for my patience.

I've abandoned all communication with all my female friends from college till uni for her as she got very jealous and cried a lot. So she made a rule I couldn’t talk to girls anymore so I told her to do the same for me then and we made a pact. Now she says she has grown and that I should do the same instead of telling her not to be friends with guys, but I don't get why she'd blame me for a rule she set in the first place. When I tried explaining everything she was accusing and blaming me for everything, she said I was bringing up the past.

I've even been going back and forth from my country and even left my job as she said she would commit suicide and I needed to give her a date when I'd be back. She has done this every two months we were apart as I had already completed my studies and was back in my country trying to get a job over and over again. She kept on promising it would be the last time that I had to come over and she'd stop wasting time and that we'd finally get married. Basically I bent down to her every wish as I wanted to be there for her and only cared for her happiness. Her mom said I was an ambition less freeloader and she brought that up too every time we had fights but she never realized it was all cause of her.

She has never been good with money as she was always broke when I wasn't around, I've been saving up for quite some time for our future together and she spent all of it right after I left again and when i asked her what she spent it on she said she doesn't remember and i never forced her to tell me cause it would only lead to another fight. She kept on borrowing money and I never asked for it back as I didn't feel the need to. I've given her everything she needed and treated her with love and affection always and never started a fight but I'm not perfect either as I had let her down on some things too but those dreams she had were very distant in the future and quite unrealistic and we've even talked about getting things sorted out in the present first and then revisit those dreams.

She has really high ambitions which I really admire and I've been a really go with the flow kinda guy and adapted and changed to her needs and she said she loved that about me. When she was in college she could never complete assignments which she didn't feel like doing and I completed them and handed it in for her. I even failed a semester just to be with her. I also didnt move to canada for my degree as nothing mattered more to me than her.

Later she went to law school for a degree but flunked out cause she said she didn't want to do it anymore. She joined uni and flunked out on her last semester and said she didnt want to continue but I kinda pressured her to try at least cause everyone else was hoping she'd graduate and I knew her family with throw a fit about it. I didnt want her to have any regret of not even being able to try to complete what she wanted to do.

Even her mother forced her to ask me to buy a ring for her and at that time I had no money at all as I had kept on spending it on her, but I still got a job and paid for it. I couldn't even propose to her like I had dreamed of, as she kept on pressuring me to buy her a ring as her mother wanted. Once her mother called her a ___ and she said she'd never talk to her mother again and I told her nothing means more than family and to at least give her another chance which I realize now that it was a bad idea.

Even my parents had warned me that her mother didn't seem right to them, but if I loved the girl nothing else mattered, my parents have been supportive throughout and I regret not spending time with them more as I had abandoned them day and night just to be with her.

Other than all of this, she has been really sweet, romantic and supportive in most of our time together.  We have had our really good times and I've never been in love with anyone this much. She even converted her religion for me which I believe put a toll on her as her mother kept insisting not to. Basically her mother has always been a problem in our relationship, I feel like her mother never really liked me and kept testing me or trying to break us apart cause every time she'd visit or even talk to my fiance, we would have huge fights about silly things and she kept bringing up the past and calling me ambition less like her mom.

She has been going through some work stress recently and didn't message me for two days and I got worried as this was not like her so when i asked her why, she flipped and started bringing up everything I haven't done for her in the past and that I never showed her support, and when i explained everything again she said I was bringing up the past. She said she needs time to grow herself and I should too. I found out she went to visit her mother last week and I think she obviously said something to her again and she couldn't take it anymore.

I've left everything for her, I left my job, my friends, my family, my dreams and hopes just to be with her as nothing mattered to me more than her happiness. And now it just seems like she doesn't even care for me or never did at all and make me feel like I've never done anything for her. I figured out she has depression a long time ago but every time we've been together everything was fine but every time I left, she got very emotional and suicidal. I've supported her and her decisions as much as I could but making me feel like I haven't tried at all has really hurt me. I know my fault was taking all the blame and keeping it all inside too as my friends had warned me over and over not to do that.

It feels like my fiance has been a puppet and never has her own thoughts but dances to everything her mother has to say about us. I guess I just don't like the feeling of being hanged out to dry and I'm playing the victim like they all are claiming, sorry for the long ass essay but I just need some reassurance that it really wasn't all my fault.

She was never physically abusive like bipolar but mental abuse and playing games has always been around with her. Im guessing since her mom has bipolar and she has had a bad childhood could have undiagnosed BPD/npd or both.

I feel your pain.  I found myself many times trying to defend myself and I would bring up things from the past or things she had told me about herself to do so and I would always get that same response, "you are throwing my past in my face."  I would always say to her, "when do I bring up your past?  When you are knocking me down and I need to defend myself?"  Never mattered.  Two sets of rules.

I made mistakes, but I sacrificed to.  Left a job after we had a kid to move closer to her office when she went back to work.  If she needed to go away for a month or whatever for work, I stayed back with our son.  I watched our son while she was going to grad school many nights.  I helped her with her school work at times too.  I got her brother's sister an A in an accounting class where I did all the work online for 13 weeks.

Sometimes you feel like no good deed goes unpunished and no matter what you do, it's never enough.

You have to remind yourself it's not you, it's her.  I would say the worse thing you could do is try to hard to get her back.  Move forward and let her figure things out on her own.  It's not possible to force the issue and trying to hard is a sign of desperation and weakness.  People often want things they can't have.  It's human nature.

[ConcernedMan92]

@Vanx Thank you for the reply Well she did say she didn't want any kind of commitment or relationship with anyone now or in the future, I found out from one of my friends that she has been doing drugs and alcohol and already going out on wild parties. She has never been this way, its like I don't know her at all. I even told her that I'd understand if she wanted to work first and delay our marriage but she told me she doesn't want to get married anymore. Now she's acting like a teenager, probably hooking up with people she met in those parties.

I'm just trying to fix myself up, I've started taking some online courses to distract me, I tried going into a new job last week to distract me but I didn't have the right state of mind to continue. But thank god that my parents and brothers are always here to support me. I've abandoned most of my friends so I really cant reach out to them, the ones I have left are in malaysia and they're telling me that I never deserved this as they've seen and heard what I've done for her. That's what confuses me the most, does she not remember anything I've done at all? I feel so used.

@TurbanCowboy Thanks for your reply Yeah i'm trying my best not to think of her but she has already proven that she can discard me easily, so why should I wait for her right? I saw this video last night, heard his whole story and the only difference is she got jealous of his dogs, while mine got jealous of my female friends: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHH2kXagV-E

[vanx]

I can relate to the feeling of suddenly not knowing the person. It is very eerie. I know for me, it also made me feel somewhat that I did not know myself. If she does have BPD, or traits of the disorder, it can be useful to keep in mind that she may have an unstable sense of identity, which I think can lead to sometimes dramatic shifts.
What matters here and now is you, who you are, perhaps who you were before this relationship. Good for you for pushing yourself a bit into these activities--it's ok if some things don't work out, or if you don't feel your heart is in it. Having things to do is helpful. More important is loving and accepting yourself wherever you're at. I am so glad you have family for support . No, you do not deserve this treatment. I am truly sorry you have given so much and are not even appreciated.  I can remember one incident where my ex was annoyed with me for reading a book about high-sensitivity relationships to help us out--go figure! You mentioned that her mother may be manipulating things, and besides that, I think another possibility is she is preoccupied with unresolved issues from her past that have nothing to do with you. You may not be able to find answers as to why she behaves as she does. She may not know herself. You deserve some time to recover from the shock, but try to make it an end goal to simply accept that this is where she's at/what she's doing. Hang in there.

[ConcernedMan92]

Thanks for your support vanx Its kinda crazy how small the world is, our ex's will probably never know how the victims feel but somehow I've realized that it could be karma for what happened with my last girlfriend. I believe we only get what we deserve. I really can't blame anyone but myself for being so naive but I'm almost on my way to recovery. Thanks to everyone 

[vanx]

We're here for you, Concernedman92, so I hope you'll feel free to post if things come up for you. I don't want to disrespect your beliefs--I believe in karma as well, but go easy on yourself. You don't deserve poor treatment. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. If you did make mistakes, it's ok to make mistakes. Yes, you will be just fine in time!