So hard not to send an email

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Its almost 4 yours ago my x wife suddenly vanished and left the country. Never have heard or seen her again after more then 10 years rs and marriage. No explanation, just nothing.
Only a note with "thank you for everything" and "you will see this is the best way, the only way for me".
I wrote so many letters but didnt send. I am recently diagnosed with a combination of ptsd and complicated grief. She completely destroyed my life and i am not myself for a long time now. I am afraid i will not recover despite counseling and a lot of support.
Its so hard to accept the facts, so cruel, i dont recognize anything in the woman i spent more than 10 years with.
I so much want to let her know how much i miss her, knowing its wrong to do , but so hard not to.

I just needed to vent. Sh... t, another empty Xmas.

Jo

[jo19854]

Its almost 4 yours ago my x wife suddenly vanished and left the country. Never have heard or seen her again after more then 10 years rs and marriage. No explanation, just nothing.
Only a note with "thank you for everything" and "you will see this is the best way, the only way for me".
I wrote so many letters but didnt send. I am recently diagnosed with a combination of ptsd and complicated grief. She completely destroyed my life and i am not myself for a long time now. I am afraid i will not recover despite counseling and a lot of support.
Its so hard to accept the facts, so cruel, i dont recognize anything in the woman i spent more than 10 years with.
I so much want to let her know how much i miss her, knowing its wrong to do , but so hard not to.

I just needed to vent. Sh... t, another empty Xmas.

Jo

[hope2727]

I am so sorry. my heart breaks for you. You can have a happy life again. It will be different but happy.     

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jo, I'm sorry to hear that you are anticipating another lonely Christmas.  After four years, I am uncertain what you are hoping to achieve by reaching out to her.  Presumably it would stir up a lot of emotions for you, particularly if she responded in a way that might not be what you are expecting.  Or she might ignore any such message.  I guess what I'm saying is, what's the point?  It would seem to me that you might be better served if you put your energy into letting go, which I understand is a lot harder than it sounds.  Have you seen a T to address the trauma of having your Ex vanish with little or no explanation?  If not, it seems like it's time to make an appointment.

LuckyJim

[jo19854]

Thanks Hope and LJim,
I wont send , and if i did i wont get an answer. For 3 years i tried, and i am dead for her.
Thats part of the cause of my current situtation.
I have a T, one of the best and author of many books.
I do what i have to do, but i cant even explain to myself how this can knock me down every day

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, jo19854, OK, good.  Glad to hear you are working with a T to help you process the trauma.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so keep up the good work with your T.  LJ

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jo-  (please forgive the length of this response)

I am so very sorry for your pain, so very sorry.  I read through your description of your relationship and also the October 2017 letter you were proposing to send to your ex-wife.  Your feelings of deep loss and confusion are so understandable. 

In the end, there are no excuses for an adult to simply disappear in the way that she did.  Many people have experienced painful forced sexual assaults in our younger years and we do NOT do what she has done.  Many people are recovering alcoholics and they do NOT do what she has done. But BPD behaviors don't generally match up to what we would expect of mature adults, especially when faced with illnesses that scare them.  Devastating illnesses scare most people.

Most people would have the maturity to sit down with their life partner when the emergency passes and say, "look, I need to be near my kids and grandkids now... .please come to the states with me".  Most mature, thinking, loving adults would have the presence of mind to KNOW (although they may not remember due to large amounts of medications in their systems) that their life partner went through hell and high water to nurse them back to health and suffered right alongside the patient. 

But BPD people are not necessarily mature, thinking, deeply loving adults.  She is concerned primarily with HER needs, not yours.  That's just the way it is.   So thinking we're going to get from them what we'd GIVE is not realistic.  Some pwBPD really try... .but it doesn't seem to be sustainable without ongoing hard hard work.  And it's a grind.

I may be way off on what happened in her mind, but here's my take, and this is from almost 4.5 years of being with a BPD man (I'm still in it); and a prior 19-year marriage with an I don't know WHAT HE WAS man.  But my marriage ended the night he threw me across the room.  No discussion, no nothing.  I felt he wanted out.  There was an argument two nights before he did that where he said if I didn't leave soon he would start bringing women into our marriage home.  I was stunned.  I was aware we had problems, But he wouldn't talk to me.  He was arrested and I fled my life out of fear. 

It took me 6.5 years to let go of my sadness.  You CAN do it.  But you have to allow yourself to do it.

Ok, sorry, back to my take on your situation.  From the description of your relationship, it seems things had transitioned from lovers to rescuer/caretaker - victim/patient roles.  Your ex-wife was very ill, much of it brought on by her self-destructive behavior over the years. That is what she knew.  She also knew she was not with her kids and grandkids.  And very likely in any moments of clarity during her illness-fighting she made a promise to her GOD or her universe or whatever, that if she got better, if she got one more chance, she was going home to be the BEST mother and grandma she could possibly be.  She needed to be seen as GOOD in the eyes of those people.  She needed to reverse the bad impression of her.  She needed to be "home".  That's what she knew.  That's ALL she knew she needed to do, aside from thanking you, her "caregiver". 

Her immense impact on you was not relevant to her.  Just like when she left her kids to go to you, the ultimate impact on her kids wasn't  really relevant to her when she initially left the states.  So as much as this is INTENSELY personal and painful to you, that isn't her intention.  It's her illness and her makeup.

Your ex-wife's BPD is complicated by the fact that you live in different countries, she's an alcoholic and she's suffered life-threatening illnesses.  She can't face you.  She'd never know what to say.  She'll likely never be emotionally fit to face you.  It sounds like she's run away from her life in the past, but her health will likely not allow this any longer.  She is stuck where she is.  And her two-word description of you as a "drama queen", that's nothing.  She simply cannot discuss it.  You are the man who saved her life.  Know that.

Dear Jo... .I am sorry that you did not know about the BPD earlier in the relationship.  That may or may not have saved you a lot of heartache.  Her behavior was NEVER about you.  It was about her and her needs.  But you are left holding the pain; and please believe me, you CAN heal from the pain.  I NEVER thought I would.  But I did.  I had to ALLOW myself to heal.  And reading here, learning about BPD and being a part of this community are key reasons I turned my corner, stopped allowing the PTSD to swallow me and reclaimed my life.

In the end, the best that I can say to you is be thankful that you are a loving man.  It DOES mean that you can share your heart with a truly loving woman.  And be thankful that you do not have BPD.  I look at my ex-husband as a pathetic soul; and I see my boyfriend struggle with his emotions and fight to keep his balance. 

Try to keep your head where your feet are.  Chin up, my friend.  We are here to support you. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[jo19854]

Gemsforeyes; I am so very grateful for your reply.
Your response is so accurate and i do now notice the limits of my own language skills.
For me its impossible to be able to put it all in the words you wrote down.

I greatly appreciate the time and energy you put in reading more of the background and my profile and put so much effort in your response.I used it to read it to my family who really dont understand why its so complicated for me. The dilemma, the confusion and pain.

With help of you and others from this website i make it through the day sometimes.
Your words hits the nail on its head. This is the situation. She was physically ill, mentally ill , lonely and she did what she did.
I am not angry at her because of this, she ran away from home also when she was only 15. Gone for 5 years, returning to her husband and leaving him again.
Then two children from another man, he was a dealer, she ran away again. Then another man, 2 children, she left him too. Now me.

Its impossible to convince someone with her background, her past alcohol and cocaïne abuse, her mental illness to make her believe that there are good men too. All the love and efforts in the world wouldnt have saved our relationship/marriage. She cant trust no one. Relying on someone is the beginning of abuse in her eyes.
Such a waste, because i know how she can be and what could have happened if she was able to trust and commit.
I will move on, scarred , but i will move on. I am only able to do that with support from people like you.
Thanks so much,

Jo



 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Jo-

I would not have come through without reading the words of others here; and I am touched that my words have reached you and helped explain to your family the deep and complex effects of this relationship.

I do believe that our healing begins when we give ourselves permission to heal.  You said in your post above, "S... it, another empty Xmas".  I understand that sentiment.  My BPD boyfriend is beginning his annual "festive" dysregulation and anger in anticipating the holidays.  He directs it toward me and blames me, but he's actually angry at his family.  He'll be 60 years old soon... . 

If he continues, I'll make plans to take myself to a shelter or soup kitchen on Christmas and be around people who appreciate my presence.  I will fill my empty Christmas.  You can do the same.

Take good care of yourself.  I mean this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bo123]

What pops out at me is that SHE is the one with the problem and now you're left with the mess.  I can't imagine the hurt you feel and wish there was anything I can do and I would, however sometimes we get dealt a bad deck of cards and we just have to fold. She shows no signs of being anything other than what she is.             What can you do besides just think of yourself and take care of yourself.  It's not a cure but I see it as the best option. Wishing you well.     

[jo19854]

Indeed Bo, what a mess. I have no option other than wait , work on it, i just turned 60. Sometimes i think , what will happen. I am not bold, not fat, good job , good pension plan only no joy. Sitting it out. Your support helps. Thank you.

Gemsforeyes, dont let no one ruin your xmas ok! I am sorry to hear about BPD after a long term marriage. Happened to me too. First 29 years married to someone who later was diagnosed autistic related not specified plus OCD, i loved her and had the courage to leave. She took revenge cold blooded. It costed me my family and 600k . I met my BPD and i never got that amount of love, it ended the way i described in my profile. Costed me my life almost and another 100k. What a waste. All for nothing. I only worked for having a soulmate on the couch, money doesnt matter. For you i hope you will have good years to come. Just as for me i dont know how, i guess its just waiting for pulling good cards.

Jo

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jo,

I'm so glad that you've had great responses on this thread.   Gemsforeyes made some really good comments, which I second entirely.  You can fill the emptiness.  How do you spend your time currently?

Love and light x

[Zen606]

Hi Jo,
You just hang in there. We are all with you. Let go and form your own life, take care of yourself, I know you are devastated and the pain does not go away easily, but it will with support around you and that is what this forum is all about.  We are part of your family now.

Zen606

[Zen606]

Hi Jo,
I was just reading your first post again and had a thought. Is your therapist doing EMDR with you? You may want to look into this, its a technique specifically for trauma. Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. There is an EMDR Institute, check it out, very helpful info about the technique and they have a list of therapists, there may be one in your area.  Also look at gentle Reprocessing, (GR) there is also a website for it.

Best my friend.
Zen 

[hope2727]

If it is any tiny consolation I cried over mine today too. Its been 2+ years for me and somehow today I couldn't miss him more. I still love and respect him but I know its impossible. I just have to love him and leave him be. He will never understand and I can't make him. I have to just keep working on myself and rebuilding my life and see what comes. I know you are hurting. Many of us are. But you are worthy and deserving of a healthy happy relationship. Go out there and find it. 

[Zen606]

Hi Hope,
You know I cry and get jealous thinking that my bp traits ex will be with someone else, that someone will take my place, and there will be someone else. But then i think of another failure for him, a nightmare for her, and all the drama and the confusion. Then the jealousy fades and my feelings change to sadness at the havoc that will occur, its just a matter of time.

I realize that the issues I experienced with him were already there when I met him.  But I ignored the red flags, particularly his rendition of being arrested on a call of domestic violence, and taken to a hospital for a psych eval. Its only now that I see the whole picture. I was lucky, I escaped after a year and 3 breakups, the last was the final one for me.

Zen606

[Bo123]

I simply can't imagine the pain you are going through.  I personally don't think I would make it.  I'm a lot like you and have one of the last great pensions that is more than most families make and other investments, but no joy.  I didn't know she was BPD until after the break-up ended and I got 6.5 years college and just missed Mensa and I still didn't see it.  You are so much stronger than you realize.  It's amazing what you went and still are going through.  Life sometimes is just not fair.  My heart hurts for you and can't imagine what you are going through.  I wish you the best my friend and hope whatever the afterlife is that you are super rewarded for the hell you went thru here.  Best of luck my friend you are in my thoughts. 

[jo19854]

I want to thank all who responded and reading answers and thoughts helps me to move one day at a time.
Last thursday i received a formel diagnoses from my T and my treatment plan. I am lucky to have one of the top expertswho also writes for several international magazines and is involved in advice for updates in DSM, so if he cant help, who can.

I will post about my letter on the learning board this weekend. Maybe it helps others.

Again, thank you all and i wish all of you strenght and peace of mind during times where we are supposed to celebrate.

Jo