How do i diffuse constant attacks?

[muttley]

Hi All,
I am trying but need some guidance. My partner (Diagnosed BPD 5yrs) and I have had a big fall out and things are very much teetering in the balance. I have tried to communicate that we both feel angry right now and that we need to allow ourselves to calm down so we can communicate better, but she is just attacking constantly, she is firing everything she has at me and I don't know how I should respond because I am feeling a lot of resentment towards her at the moment for the way things are going and her constant attacks. I am trying, god I am trying so so hard. I am exhausted.
Muttley

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kelseyy]

Validate. Validate. Validate. Remember that validating what she is saying is NOT agreeing with it or apologizing. Simply say things like “ it sounds like you feeling are very frustrated/ angry/ etc... right now is that correct?” She may respond with even more put downs or argumentative comments but you need to listen to what she said and try to think of the feelings she’s trying to express but probably doesn’t even know she’s feeling.

I noticed that when my husband is attacking me more often he is usually feeling invalidated. The difficult part is that at least my husband and from what I have read, most pwBPD have a difficult time understanding their emotions and knowing how they feel. So often we (maybe just me) have a hard time knowing what to validate.

As much as you resent her right now she probably desperately needs you to help her understand what she is feeling and then validate it. It’s very difficult for her also.

You can also try setting some boundaries. When my husband talks to me in disrespectful ways, I tell him “ the way you are talking to me is disrespectful, I will discuss this with you if you are able to talk to me in a respectful way, if you cannot then I am going to have to walk away”

[Radcliff]

Hi muttley, welcome to the boards!  I understand from experience how exhausting it can be to deal with attacks.  You are not alone!

In addition to kelseyy's great advice on validation, one of the improvements I got great mileage out of when I first started learning about BPD is avoiding JADE.  Follow the link, but the basic idea is that if you get sucked into an argument and start defending yourself, it never goes well.  When I started to learn how to avoid that, it helped me to avoid making things worse, and I appreciated the improvement.

You might also want to check out this lesson on ending conflict.

Finally, make a commitment to yourself to become a regular part of this community.  Read the resources at the right.  Keep posting, and start replying to the posts of others.  You'll get the most impact if you make this board a habit, a part of your support system.

WW

[Meili]

In addition to the other advice and links you've already received, the lesson on Surviving confrontation and disrespect will be beneficial to you. When we learn to not be triggered, not take things personally, and regain power over our own lives, a lot of this becomes much easier.

[Radcliff]

Thanks, Meili!  I knew I was missing a link!  Hmm... .the Missing Link   Into the toolkit it goes!

WW