BPD spouse leaving after long-term relationship

[writeaway]

Hi, I am new to this site, and found others' stories to be helpful and inspiring, so I wanted to join for support and to share my own.

Although I know this is an anonymous forum, I am leery of posting a lot of personal details in fear that my soon-to-be-ex will somehow find it and figure out that it is me. That's how deep the guilt and fear runs, even though we are separated and headed for divorce. Well, here goes nothing. We'll see if it comes back to bite me.

We were together for over a decade, married for over half of that, and have a young child. All of the classic borderline symptoms and relationship struggles applied, and she is in therapy and is quite aware of her own issues, though the BPD label really bothers her as she feels it is demonizing. At the same time, she cannot help projecting, blaming, and giving in to the anxiety. I could not help believing that if I only tried harder, focused more attention, and "fixed" myself, that things would get better. Some of the blame she shifted to me was undeserved, but there were other mistakes I made that I do take responsibility for (or that are personality traits I cannot help) that made the situation worse. I'm conflict-averse, and would cave and apologize, even when I hadn't done anything that should have required an apology. I would give in to demands (reasonable or not), distance myself from others who triggered her unfounded jealousy (so pretty much everyone), and do the whole "walk on eggshells" thing... .which led to me not communicating for fear of triggering her... .which fueled her suspicions... .which made things even worse.

I betrayed her trust once early in our relationship, in a passive-aggressive reaction to restrictive demands she placed upon me that I now recognize as the first red flag- her attempt to control an aspect of my life that was not her right to control, out of misguided and misplaced fear. Something that most people might not see as a big deal, but it was a big deal and emotionally-charged for her. And when I came clean... .oh boy. For my part, I should not have agreed to her demands only to do the opposite and lie about it, and I take full responsibility for that. But I also shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place. I was young and immature, and this was my first serious relationship, so I just didn't know any better. I made a mistake, for which I apologized and paid for over and over again. Ever after, everything was all my fault. I have never been worthy of trust, I have never been attentive enough, I could not anticipate her needs and therefore I must not care, I didn't post romantic love notes on social media, I didn't text/call/email enough when we were apart, and all these years, she is the ONLY one who has been putting forth the effort to make the relationship work. Full disclosure- I am not a super-romantic person by nature. I am introverted and understated, and I show my love in small, everyday ways. I can even be self-centered at times, but I will also completely sacrifice myself and ignore my own needs to attempt to meet hers. I loved her, so I TRIED. Even when I would bend over backwards to meet demands large and small, none of that mattered because I didn't do it all day, every day. When she asked, but most importantly, when she didn't ask.

Recently I discovered a passion for a new hobby that took time and attention away from her. Yes, I could get somewhat obsessed with it at times. But I think part of the draw was that it was finally meeting a need that I had, one that was neglected for 12 years. It was a creative outlet, and an activity that was for me alone. After numerous fights, compromises on my part (including stopping cold-turkey, moderated time schedule approved by her, etc), and attempts on my end to find a better balance and tend to her needs, things seemed to be on the upswing again... .and then a little over a month ago she came to me after spending a night away from home and suggested a separation and divorce. To which I agreed, because as painful as it is, we'd both finally come to terms with the fact that there are things that each of us needs that the other can't provide, and we were making each other miserable.

On the one hand, I was blindsided and heartbroken. On the other hand, I was relieved. Because I never would have suggested it on my own. Her fear of abandonment is so strong, and she has been hurt so badly in the past, and I truly do care about her pain. Through the years, I am the only person in her life who has stuck by her through thick and thin. And yet... .I suppose it is now time to focus on my own pain, and my own part in all of this, while letting go of the grief and loss of the positive things in our relationship, and letting go of the guilt for "failing" her and our marriage.

Things are beyond awkward right now. We are separated and staying in separate parts of the house, but still living under the same roof until we meet with a mediator and figure out house and finances. We will need to work out a custody agreement too, and our child does not yet know that the marriage is ending. The holidays will be horribly hard.

She has a new "best friend" (her words-- though she has known this person for only 3 months) who is helping her through all of this, for whom she has recently admitted she has feelings. We're battling about contact between this new person in her life and our child (the first fight we have had since separating). Although at first I was hurt (because I do still love and care about her), I've come to realize that she probably wouldn't have ended our relationship unless she felt she had a "safety net," and she hasn't been nearly as jealous or suspicious during this distancing period as I expected, in part because she has someone new to focus on. This other relationship is currently meeting her needs and soothing her abandonment fears during this turbulent time, so in turn, I can meet my own needs. In some ways, I suppose it is a blessing... .as long as she keeps it going long enough to get us through the separation and divorce. We are both trying to stay rational and keep this this whole experience as smooth as possible for the sake of our kid, but everything is so emotionally-charged, and the longer this limbo period lasts, the harder it is on both of us and the more strained things are between us.

Anyway, that's my story. Struggling to cope with my own feelings of inadequacy and grief and loss, and trying to stay focused on the things I am gaining-- self-actualization, self-worth, independence, freedom from the FOG, a chance to learn from my own mistakes so I don't repeat them again, and a chance to rediscover who I am as an individual. Every day has its own unique struggles, but I'm doing my best to carry on.

[schwing]

Hi Writeaway and

All of the classic borderline symptoms and relationship struggles applied, and she is in therapy and is quite aware of her own issues, though the BPD label really bothers her as she feels it is demonizing. At the same time, she cannot help projecting, blaming, and giving in to the anxiety.

I don't want you to underestimate the degree of dysfunctional behavior to which people with BPD (pwBPD), even high functioning pwBPD, are subject.  In my observation, the acceptance that they have a disorder is a huge hurdle.  And just because at one time they might have communicated an acceptance, does not mean that this acceptance persists. 

I could not help believing that if I only tried harder, focused more attention, and "fixed" myself, that things would get better. Some of the blame she shifted to me was undeserved, but there were other mistakes I made that I do take responsibility for (or that are personality traits I cannot help) that made the situation worse. 

I think any work towards "fixing" oneself is a worthwhile endeavor for one's benefit.  But I don't think any amount of work towards understanding/addressing your own issues would have helped your BPD loved one with her issues. Her blaming you for factors that are essentially part of her disorder is a key dysfunction.  I would compare it to an alcoholic blaming his/her loved ones for always driving him/her to drink and failing to accept that their problem is that they drink.

PwBPD depend upon their maladaptive behaviors such as projection/blaming because they do not have the emotional resources/tools to accept that they have a disorder.  This is why your BPD loved one does not like the "BPD label" because she is apt to demonize herself.

I'm conflict-averse, and would cave and apologize, even when I hadn't done anything that should have required an apology. I would give in to demands (reasonable or not), distance myself from others who triggered her unfounded jealousy (so pretty much everyone), and do the whole "walk on eggshells" thing... .which led to me not communicating for fear of triggering her... .which fueled her suspicions... .which made things even worse.

Giving in to her demands may have made things worse.  Not giving in to her demands could have also made things worse. I would argue that things became worse simply because she has a disorder that drives her to imagine abandonment and betrayal even where it does not exist. Things would have gotten worse regardless of what you did or did not do.

I betrayed her trust once early in our relationship, in a passive-aggressive reaction to restrictive demands she placed upon me that I now recognize as the first red flag- her attempt to control an aspect of my life that was not her right to control, out of misguided and misplaced fear. Something that most people might not see as a big deal, but it was a big deal and emotionally-charged for her.

Another attribute that many pwBPD share is the tendency of black and white thinking, or "splitting".  In the diagnostic criteria, it is described as idealization and devaluation.  This is to say that pwBPD will perceive those they love in these extreme ways: "all good" or "all bad."  And this is something that nonBPD have great difficulty empathizing with because non-disordered people can integrate the perceived good qualities with the bad qualities of other people.  For pwBPD, they alternate (sometimes rapidly) their perceptions between good and bad.

This is perhaps why your BPD loved one cannot get past this perceived betrayal.  And I would argue that this is the same reason why pwBPD cannot accept a BPD diagnosis of themselves because they would devalue themselves to such a degree that makes accepting the diagnosis unbearable.

I made a mistake, for which I apologized and paid for over and over again. Ever after, everything was all my fault. I have never been worthy of trust, I have never been attentive enough, I could not anticipate her needs and therefore I must not care, I didn't post romantic love notes on social media, I didn't text/call/email enough when we were apart, and all these years, she is the ONLY one who has been putting forth the effort to make the relationship work.

This "betrayal" of yours was her get-out-of-jail-for-free card.  Anytime she experienced her disordered feelings, she could blame you because there was that one time you demonstrated you could be the cause of her disordered feelings; that one incident became the justification whenever she needed to split you all bad.  So rather than considering that these feelings she is experiencing are perhaps disordered, she chose to always blame you for how she felt.

She has a new "best friend" (her words-- though she has known this person for only 3 months) who is helping her through all of this, for whom she has recently admitted she has feelings. We're battling about contact between this new person in her life and our child (the first fight we have had since separating). Although at first I was hurt (because I do still love and care about her), I've come to realize that she probably wouldn't have ended our relationship unless she felt she had a "safety net," and she hasn't been nearly as jealous or suspicious during this distancing period as I expected, in part because she has someone new to focus on.

This other relationship is currently meeting her needs and soothing her abandonment fears during this turbulent time, so in turn, I can meet my own needs. In some ways, I suppose it is a blessing... .as long as she keeps it going long enough to get us through the separation and divorce. We are both trying to stay rational and keep this this whole experience as smooth as possible for the sake of our kid, but everything is so emotionally-charged, and the longer this limbo period lasts, the harder it is on both of us and the more strained things are between us.

You may need to brace yourself for the possibility of a distortion campaign (another attribute of BPD relationships).  As I see it, everything she has ever accused her previous attachments to inflicting upon her (that she confessed to you), you should be aware that it is possible she may tell her new best friend that you have likewise inflicted upon her.

In my BPD relationship, I spent so much time at my gf's house that I was treated like another housemate.  And after our break-up, although the housemates who knew me treated me with deference, the new housemate who did not know me treated me like a stalker.  I imagine she did this perhaps because my BPDgf mounted a distortion campaign against me and convinced the new housemate that I am quite ill.

I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[writeaway]

Thank you schwing One of the things I am working on in therapy is accepting my own role in this, and learning and growing from my own baggage inherited from my parents' dysfunctional marriage (because I do have real issues too), while also identifying the traits I have that are not actually problematic but were made to seem that way because she believed they were a problem (or wanted me to feel like I was the problem to mask her own shortcomings). It was a toxic situation, and in a sense both of us were to blame, and neither of us were. She experienced very real abandonment and betrayal from family members (I observed it first hand, and I know it to be truthful), and she does have deep-seated wounds. My mistake was in believing that our love would be enough to overcome her past and the dysfunction between us.

She may very well be talking smack about me to other people. The separation started off amicably and without any quarreling, but we recently had a disagreement and I stood up for myself and wouldn't back down, which royally pissed her off and freaked her out (I can count the number of times I have done that during our relationship on one hand), because to admit I am right would be to admit that she made a choice that was not in our child's best interest, and that would devastate her. So I'm the b*tch and the one being unreasonable, and I'm currently on the blacklist. Silent treatment, passive aggressive music selection playing within earshot, etc. I made the mistake of sending emails after the fight to try to get her to see things from my point of view, but finally I realized that was futile and probably only making it worse. This morning, I managed to not let her silent treatment and music retaliation bother me, when in the past it would have made me feel guilty and miserable and I would have apologized and given her whatever she wanted to end the conflict. No more. Now I just feel sorry for her, that she's so unable to cope that this is all she has left in her arsenal of offensive and defensive tactics.

She can say crap about me to other people in her life all she wants, I just hope is that she doesn't badmouth me (or allow others to do so) in front of our child. She claims she would never do that because she was once caught in the middle of a messy divorce herself, but if she gets mad enough at me, I fear that she might. All I can do is try to be the best parent that I can be, and although I am willing to back down on some things to make this transition as smooth as I can, our child's best interest is the one thing I will fight for to the death. It's sad because she is a very good mother, she loves our child more than anything, and she desperately wants to do the right thing. I'm going to do my best to make sure that happens, no matter how hard it is to get there.

[blueblue12]

Writeaway, feel for you. My experiences are so similar I understand fully what you went or are going through.

I was also blamed throughout the relationship, ten plus years, I was bad, she was the only one working on the relationship, I had issues, I needed to apologize, I also had one event that came back time and time again and which I didn’t feel that it was wrong but in her eyes I had “abandoned her” so that came back time and time again, as Schwing writes it was her card and she played it throughout our time together.

I also gave up standing up for myself and apologize most of the time while she would start a rage, after all she would say I triggered the issue no matter what. She would also claim I would escalate the issue giving her anxiety which was not true as I would give up and basically stay silent while she would be out of control screaming and breaking things around the house. At times she would hit me.

The last year was tragic, silent treatment, blame and basically abuse throughout the year. She was out of control, going out most nights and sometimes staying out. I was not allowed to ask anything about this behaviour, if I ever did she would say “see? you haven’t changed a bit, you are still suspicious and insecure” even if I was later found vindicated by the facts, she had been with another guy most of those nights staying at “her mum’s”!

But a couple of months after the split she came back, I was a great guy again, she had missed me and I was the love of her life. Tragic.

[Bo123]

Writeaway--Sorry you're going through all this but it seems you got a fairly good grip on what needs to be done, you got the mediator, you separated even though it's in the same house, you're in counseling and I bet that this new "best friend" she has feelings for will very quickly be the next victim as soon as she is on her own and away from you.  And friend means a lot of things today, I think it's prudent to assume he's not just a friend, really think the guy is patiently waiting for the divorce to be final before they're more than friends?  Not trying to be anything other than honest for your sake, BPD's have an unusually high rate of finding a replacement quickly while we suffer.  Best of luck, I think you're on the right track.

[writeaway]

Raul, sorry you also went through this. Our stories do sound very similar, and in fact, I am continually amazed by how often it sounds like the other posters on this board are describing my relationship when talking about theirs. There are some variations, obviously, but much is the same. That’s one of the things that has been most helpful for me in joining this community—realizing that a lot of the things that caused me so much grief and guilt were not personal, and weren’t my fault.

Bo123, I agree that there is probably mutual attraction between my ex and her new friend. I’m sure many of her qualities that I fell in love with at the start of our relationship are on full display now. In some ways, I almost want to warn them... .better make sure you are ok with having little contact with other friends, accounting for your every word and action, doing everything together and letting her make most of the decisions, and able to prove your love daily and reassure that she is the most important person in your life every waking moment. Supposedly, my ex says this person “gets her” and accepts all of her flaws without batting an eye. So did I, in the beginning. The question is whether my ex can accept her friend’s “flaws” and learn and grow from this experience with me. But I suspect that she will fall into the exact same pattern... .either this friend will stick around and play the role that I once did, or my ex will dump them (or be dumped by them) when the same issues rear their ugly head. I’ve already steeled myself for the very real possibility that when things don’t work out between them, my ex will come back apologetic and trying to draw me back in by appealing to my sense of obligation, guilt, pity, and my love for her. I do love her, and I care about her, and I want her to be happy. But I now see that I am not the person who can do that for her... .she has to do it for herself. And I need to look out for my own happiness now. I am sad and I miss her... .but I miss the way things were 13 yrs ago when we first met, and they will never be that way again. One of my biggest fears now is falling into a similar pattern with someone else, which is why I plan to take a good long break before I even think about dating anyone. Because I, for one, want to make sure I learned my lesson.

[Bo123]

Writeaway--I'm impressed how clear this is to you already, maybe you knew it was coming for some time.  I can relate to many of your comments, at times when she was in her BPD mode, it literally felt like seeing her was another full time job and the "work harder" attitude I sometimes got from her never helped improve anything, no matter what I did, it was never enough.  Stay strong and I think you're going to do great through this process, which is rare to see, so good luck with everything and keep us updated.

Schwing-- Very nice analysis, not just for writeaway but overall.  You should come back out of retirement.

[lostdorothy]

writeaway,
I am glad that you were honest about your fears of posting because she may find out it was you. It gave me great anxiety also that he may discover my postings. That is a testament to how terrifyingly manipulate and vindictive they can be. Our stories are similar and I too admitted to a betrayal and you are right, what a nightmare! They never forget, they never forgive and anything that you have ever done no matter how small with be brought up again and again. Can you believe that we put up with that? Ridiculous and absurd.