Want to reach out to exBPD, send email or such? Read this.

[limetaste]

Depending on your situation, in regards of you, thinking about sending an e-mail (or letter e.t.c.) I want you to read this.

Every situation with your exBPD is unique, I can only speak from my point of view and how I think about this. Many on this forum that have experienced this are going to agree with me. We've been there, we've sent e-mails... .
 
The breakup with your exBPD was maybe something you decided and went through with. If not, maybe your exBPD just left out of the blue - giving you no closure. Often "ghosting" you and pushing for NC (no contact). You're trying to understand what is going on here, why is he/she acting like this? Is it my fault?

Problem is - you can't think in a logical way, trying to rationalize over their behaviour. Why? The reason is extremly simple, they are mentally disturbed. They have developed a unique set of skills (as Liam Neeson would've said it) to cope with abandonment. You can't reason with them, the only way you can = if they have you painted white. No e-mail or letter is going through their skin otherwise. And IF your exBPD is going to white-paint you, he or she will contact you. Don't hope for it, don't wait for it.

You will never get a clear response (if non?) from writing a e-mail. It will only give you a setback in your griefing-process for a couple of weeks. You will sit there for days, hoping for a respond. As I've written earlier, that e-mail you're about to send was often something you put together for days, maybe you cried a bit while writing it.

There's only one way to go, and that is NO CONTACT. If you're self-destructive and want your exBPD to come back, go NO CONTACT. If you want to forget your exBPD and only want to moe on = NO CONTACT.

You could go my way. I love my exBPD, I know she's toxic and there's no going back. There's no fairy tail. I've sent out 3-4 of e-mails - only to push her further away. She responded btw, threatened me with a restraining order. What did I write? Nothing bad, about our relationship and that I understood how she feels, and that I loved her and was there for her. No cry-baby mama, no hate, no nothing.

[Lost-love-mind]

Limetaste
Our stories are so similar. However after I sent multiple emails  after the breakup saying I was sorry and left her the July 4th gifts that I had bought for our weekend that never happened, she did file a PPO against me. I've read that those suffering with BPD truly believe that they are constantly being stalked by their ex.?

When I met my ex BPD online she had messaged me that she was a "creep magnet".
On our 3rd date she told me multiple stories of guys stalking her.

My emails were intended to try and get her back. I thought I was in love.
Nothing was real with her. Just disposable.

I feel sorry now that she will never know the true love and loyalty possible.

[LegioXX Victrix]

I agree ... .and i slip up because the court mandates contact because of the children... .double edged sword

[Shoct]

So, i read this post, and the others about NC. I advised others to NOT send an email.

and I just sent an email to my exBPD despite all of that.

What the heck? I am so pissed at myself.

I had emailed my exBPD Friday asking her to mail my key back to me. She never responded. Today I went out and bought a new deadbolt. About 15 minutes after installing it (while coincidental i don't think she was stalking or anything) she finally replies to my email saying she will mail my key tomorrow. It was short, curt and left it at that.

I was DONE! I could rest easy knowing that all was tied up. But I can't tell you the impact this had on me, seeing her name pop up in my inbox, and that she had finally (i didn't expect it, again despite all i've read here) responded. I told myself don't respond. Then next thing I know I am hitting send on an email to her. It was not long, and it was not mean, nor apologetic. But, it was something that could lead to a response.

I regret it so much now. I truly messed up. I hadn't heard from her since Thursday and now I keep checking my email to see if she responded to what i wrote. And if she does... .oh no, what have i done. I pretty much opened the door for a conversation if she hasn't painted me black.

Like I said, I knew it was a bad idea, now i am thrown back to square negative 100.

[Lost-love-mind]

Shift
Don't beat yourself up. For the first month after my breakup I kept asking my exBPD for my DVD s. She responded saying she threw them out - a month later.

Work on yourself and getting better. Nothing lost with a new deadbolt. She could have copied the key before sending it back?

[clvrnn]

When I was in contact with my ex, she was doing the same thing; threatening me with the police, telling me I was harassing her, telling her family I was stalking her... .I'm not quite sure she understood the definition of stalking, but anyway. Like you, I wasn't saying anything bad. I was saying I loved her, I didn't understand what was going on, wanting to talk, etc - we'd just slept together so I thought this was all reasonable.

I also had a previous BPD ex who accused me of stalking her social media. Which she was actually doing to me for many years afterwards. Sounds like I'm a bit of stalker, but I'm not. The ways in which these women left and treated me was disgraceful - I WAS looking at her social media, but that's because we were living together, she suddenly left, wouldn't tell me if/when she was coming back, was ignoring my messages (hadn't yet broken up with me) and so that was literally my only way of knowing where she was. It's crazy how these people are all so similar.

Anyway my point is that they all seem to do this, don't they? Threaten with things like restraining orders, police, etc. Why is that?

[Pencil sketch]

Reading these, and I can feel the pain and frustration, we will do anything, to just make this pain stop, and untangle the mess in our heads. One interesting point, has been raised several times, and resonated with me, was, the content of the email/text message, want abusive, or aggressive, quite the opposite, and that's when the penny dropped for me, they just can't handle emotion, or knowing how they have behaved, they turn table, fabricate some scenario, and accuse us of stalking, they also know, they will get no resistance from us, we want answers.
I messaged my ex after changing my number, but caved after 2 weeks, she played her usual games, accused me of stalking her kids, changed her number, and I know, I will never hear from her again, just have this gut feeling.
I will echo what has been said above, No contact, these are very damaged people, and any effort, to elicit a response, apology, explanation, will just cause you more pain
I thank God for this site, and in times of weakness, I turn to it.

[Idsrvt2]

Same here I sent what I thought was a loving email asking him to get help so he could live a happier Life... the day before he tried to contact me and make peace but my family said ignore him... .he has threatened a RO that day and I thought upit was just a threat so mine went like this
Dumped
I sent texts because I was hurt
He finally replied with mixed texts apologizing and threatening RO
I told him go get one and I will too
He then sends texts and calls wanting to go in peace and said he's not getting a RO and asks what he can do?
I stupidly text him what he can do in a loving caring email

Day later cop at my door and I'm served

My x once in court wants it all dropped

He still delivered my mail and still does

Recently now he's being nice and delivering it to my porch

And I wonder if I'm now white

I have a msg I wrote him, but I'm going to let this all play out ... .I struggle more now than ever so thanks for this post

Limetaste
Our stories are so similar. However after I sent multiple emails  after the breakup saying I was sorry and left her the July 4th gifts that I had bought for our weekend that never happened, she did file a PPO against me. I've read that those suffering with BPD truly believe that they are constantly being stalked by their ex.?

When I met my ex BPD online she had messaged me that she was a "creep magnet".
On our 3rd date she told me multiple stories of guys stalking her.

My emails were intended to try and get her back. I thought I was in love.
Nothing was real with her. Just disposable.

I feel sorry now that she will never know the true love and loyalty possible.

[Zen0]

I wish I had read a thread like this a few months ago!

I recently posted part of my story here. The short version is that I ended a friendship with someone I had dated for a couple of months. She became upset, and I felt bad for telling her that I was uncomfortable about what happened between us. I apologised via email, but stayed firm on us having a break from each other. I made clear that it wasn't about avoiding her, but because I thought it was the healthiest thing for both of us. She asked me not to contact her again. I didn't (for several months). Got counselling, felt better. Wanted to return to our shared club/social circle, but still uncomfortable with the ways things stood. I emailed, asked if we could have mediation or put a schedule in place so we wouldn't have to have contact with each other.

Then, like some of you, I got the threats and the accusations of harassment. Though I know I was in the wrong to send an email after she asked me not to, I thought it was a reasonable way of trying to deal with a difficult situation. I thought it would be worth it to see if we could get on civil terms so that neither of us would have to give up on the sport we enjoy, or feel awkward with mutual friends. I never expected that she would view it as harassment, or that she would hand over all of our communications to a lawyer. She said she would take me to court and report me to the police if I ever speak to anyone about us again.

What makes this hard for me is that I don't know if she has BPD. Some things fit, but I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis, nor did we spend enough time together for me to see her behaviour over time. So, it's interesting to read that others have similar experiences of their ex-partners responding to communication with accusations of stalking/harassment, etc. But, I'm still not sure if what I've experienced in the same thing, so I am constantly second guessing myself, wondering if I did cross the line. I just wish I had followed this advice!

Best wishes to you all.

[TurbanCowboy]

Limetaste
Our stories are so similar. However after I sent multiple emails  after the breakup saying I was sorry and left her the July 4th gifts that I had bought for our weekend that never happened, she did file a PPO against me. I've read that those suffering with BPD truly believe that they are constantly being stalked by their ex.?

When I met my ex BPD online she had messaged me that she was a "creep magnet".
On our 3rd date she told me multiple stories of guys stalking her.

My emails were intended to try and get her back. I thought I was in love.
Nothing was real with her. Just disposable.

I feel sorry now that she will never know the true love and loyalty possible.

There was a guy who was sending desperate texts to
my wife about wanting to be with her when we first started dating. Pretty confident now she used the guy to finish her undergrad to some degree and discarded him.

My wife now thinks I’m the creep and the replacement is turning our home into a compound.  I will be going out of my way to make those concerns a total
waste of time and energy.

The replacement can now play the role of the hero for her. I want to vomit.

[Pretty Woman]

Putting anything in writing after a break-up like this is never a good idea. Well, if you want to write in your diary, one thing, but sending to your ex... .eh.

I know in my case, when my ex split me I was a threat. For months, while I thought we were good, she was devaluing me to others, telling them horrible things about me. Keep in mind, very often BPD's have segregated "groups" of enablers, those that know about you, those who don't and those he/she has been playing victim to... .with you in the role of persecutor.

I know anything I ever sent was met with threats of a restraining order. She REALLY felt threatened, which is part of the disorder. You cannot rationalize with someone who truly believes you want to hurt them, so it is best to not send anything. Give them what they want. Respect them, even though they didn't respect you or your feelings.

BPD's lack empathy and compassion. You will see these traits when they are not the one's causing the pain but if they are responsible that's when they split and you become public enemy #1.

NC is for you to heal. It is also to diffuse the hostility and hopefully your ex will find another outlet (unfortunately it's usually a new person they can manipulate).

Most of us have made the mistake of sending a letter. Don't beat yourself up... .it's a learning experience, and you've walked away with some newfound knowledge in the process!

PW
 

[Skip]

There's only one way to go, and that is NO CONTACT. If you're self-destructive and want your exBPD to come back, go NO CONTACT. If you want to forget your exBPD and only want to moe on = NO CONTACT.

You could go my way. I love my exBPD, I know she's toxic and there's no going back. There's no fairy tail. I've sent out 3-4 of e-mails - only to push her further away. She responded btw, threatened me with a restraining order. What did I write? Nothing bad, about our relationship and that I understood how she feels, and that I loved her and was there for her. No cry-baby mama, no hate, no nothing.

limetaste, don't worship NO CONTACT. Many internet sites suggest this, but it is not a life rule and we are not better off thinking it is. I would go so far as to say that it has its basis is not understanding human nature which is often a problem we have.

Yes, if our relationship hits the skids, trying to smother the other person is not a good idea - we should back off. If we are in a toxic relationship and can't shake ourselves loose even though we know we should, we need to disrupt our life pattern.

I can write 100 more of these. But writing three unanswered emails after a breakup and getting threatened with a restraining order does not teach us that NO CONTACT is a rule. What it teaches us is that the we shouldn't over pursue people that are rejecting us. That's all. Sending 2 emails could have had many different outcomes depending on the people and the specific situation - some of those outcomes are good, some bad, some neutral.

You gf threatened a restraining order - that is just her way of saying leave me alone, because ignoring you didn't convey the message. It's a childish way to deal with people, I agree. She could have just said, I don't want to hear from you.  But then again, in some cases, that has not stopped us and we end up getting a kick.

Life just doesn't operate with simple things like NO CONTACT rules.

Understanding human nature takes a lot more finesse.