Introduction - not sure where I fit in

[ForwardFocused]

 
A few months ago, I went to a therapist to seek help with my relationship with my son (27 y/o) and his live-in girlfriend (26 y/o).  Over the 4 years they have been together, our relationship has deteriorated to the point of being totally shut out of their lives. She has also blocked his sister from all social media and told her to "F" off.   I have been accused by the GF of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, giving off the "wrong vibe".  Honestly, I have never experienced this kind of conflict in a relationship before.  In response, I have apologized, made efforts to give them space, and have gone to great efforts to get her to like me.  During my first meeting with the therapist, she suggested I read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".  I was totally blown away, this book described GF (although I do not know if she has a formal diagnosis of this).  Over time, our son has disconnected and will only reach out to us on days he is working and not with her.  As helpless as I obviously am, I'm reaching out today hoping there is someone out there who can relate to my situation.  It is so painful and not something I can discuss with just anyone.  I'm really struggling with the hurt of rejection and blaming myself for saying or doing the wrong thing.  Before I read the book, I told my son I felt like I was walking on eggshells with her. Imagine my surprise to read the exact phrase in the book.
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForwardFocused]

Ugh, I just read an article on how to listen with empathy and realize now I did it ALL wrong.  Ive apologized to my son's GF so many times without really knowing why I was until now.  She has totally cut me off, therefore, straining my relationship with my son.  Do I desperately reach out once again and beg for forgiveness or just let it go?  Will she hate me forever now?  This is so heartbreaking.

Does someone with BPD who cuts someone off ever end up forgiving?  She blocked me from FB for awhile.  I recently noticed she unblocked me.  It's all  such a mind game the random snapchats, etc.  Driving me nuts.  I really must focus on something else!

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are experiencing this especially at this time of the year. I haven't any particular advice other than read the lessons on the right hand side of the page. You are not alone. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi and welcome  

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been experiencing and I feel for you.  It must be very distressing to feel your son distancing himself from you.  It is possible that gf is isolating him to some degree if she has BPD/traits, as she will suffer from extreme fear of abandonment and be wary of other relationships in his life so I'd encourage you to be open to him any time he reaches out, no matter what conflict may have gone before.  Unfortunately he may also be putting distance between himself and other important people in his life, so there's every chance he will need support in time yet may feel afraid that he has caused too much hurt.  It could help if you are able to reassure him that you will be there for him without judgement no matter what and remind him that you love him unconditionally, even if it means that stepping back a little and giving them space is what is necessary right now.  

I am sure that you will get sound advice here on how to handle this from others who can further relate and that your T will be helpful too.  It's great to see that you are seeking help with this and building a support network, as this is important, along with developing your knowledge on the behaviours that can be expected and how best to manage these.  The articles on this site are reliable and I'd encourage you to take a good look around, as well as reading others' posts.
 This will help you to see you are far from alone and also help you to know what your son may be dealing with.  Each r/s is different and BPD is a spectrum disorder, however there are some common themes with regards behaviours to varying degrees.  

There are excellent relationship skills available in the Tools section on the top header menu, which I'd recommend you read up on and begin to practise.  These may feel awkward and unnatural at first, and it takes time to get better at them however well worth the effort to reduce tension.  Try not to blame yourself for what has gone before.  Experiencing what you have would confuse anyone, and it's clear you wish to make things better.  I hope that you find the r/s skills useful and begin to see improvements.  Keep posting here, as it helps to share with others who understand what you are going through.

Love and light x

[ForwardFocused]

 
Wow, I appreciate both of your responses to my post and confirming that the articles available are reliable.   No longer do I feel so alone in this situation. Finding this forum has been a huge blessing to me!   Also, I appreciate the guidance on what is acceptable to share/ask and what not to discuss here.  On a positive note, I am excited to be learning more about myself and becoming healthy in all of my relationships (most importantly, the one with myself). 






 

[hope2727]

I am glad you are finding the posts helpful. I found that reading other people's experiences really helped me to feel less isolated. There are multiple boards with different themes but each has its own flavour and is worth glancing at. I know the lessons have helped me a great deal. I hope you are able to find some useful tidbits there that you can apply to your situation.

[FromandTo]

I hate you dont leave me was my eye opener as well. My therapist had me read it and I recognized my mother in it as well as basically every gf I have ever had. First I hope you can try to imagine the suffering GF goes through for her to act like this. Second, I hope you can try to imagine what your son is going through on the same receiving end as you, only on a much greater scale, and how torn and powerless he must feel. The more you try to do the more fuel there will be for her to burn. Be there for them but establish your own boundaries and stick to them. Use this board and its resources as well as any other info you can find online. You can only for yourself and hope others will follow... .don't worry about her forgiving you for anything. She is likely way too preoccipied trying to controlling everything to even see her own mistakes. Eventually she will, but what she does then is unpredictable.