No people present from the past

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I heard a song on the radio today I haven't heard in 30 years.  It brought me right back to a time with good friends of mine, friends I still have today. Friends I discarded during my BPD venture, but friends who are with me now that the BPD craziness is over.  We don't talk about it.  If they asked, I would tell them whatever they want to know.  But they love me.  They don't want to hear it.  No  walking on eggshells.  We just like hanging out together.

I've been thinking a lot about how I threw all my past away to be with my BPD gf. My friends, my family -- everything I was.   It was a conscious decision.  Like I was voluntarily walking into an alternate reality where nothing mattered but her.  Why did I do that? 

Now I am reacquainting myself with my past.  Because my past is me.  I guess I threw away me for a time.

But what I thought about most after that song was how she had no people.  I always thought that was weird.  She had family, sure -- but she didn't want to spend too much time with them.  We would visit and then split real quick.  She had no real friends or even acquaintances from the past.   

She had plenty of ex-boyfriends she said she hoped I never met.  A few were  dead, probably from the stress.  I remember her telling me about one living ex in particular, her boss, a married guy.  When he heard about me, she said he said -- "breaking up another marriage are you?".  And I thought he was a jerk for saying that.  Such was my illness.  Such was her hold on me.

She had two girl friends.  She made a point never to introduce me to one, and to spend minimal time with the other.  The one I never met seemed kind enough, she took her in when she had nowhere to go.  Although my ex thought her husband had propositioned her.  The other was a lost soul, drug addict.  Single mom.  I met her accidentally in a bar.  This one's ex-husband asked my exBPDgf out.  Every friend, every acquaintance had some sexual story attached to it.

Can you imagine?  No wonder she was twisted.  But was it all true or imagined?  Did she provoke?

Is that odd?  That she had no real friends?  I think so.  I think I read somewhere that it's a symptom of BPD -- no real friendships.  Another sad facet of all this if it's true.  She probably cherishes her solitude as another nugget of her victimhood, how the world is so wrong, how she is such a sad maligned waif.  Why won't she ask the hard question?

Because now she is FT with a new bf.  Nothing but him.  And she's itching to leave.  Same old story.

She really is a child.  Stuck.  It's all so very sad.

[Seenowayout]

I heard a song on the radio today I haven't heard in 30 years.  It brought me right back to a time with good friends of mine, friends I still have today. Friends I discarded during my BPD venture, but friends who are with me now that the BPD craziness is over.  We don't talk about it.  If they asked, I would tell them whatever they want to know.  But they love me.  They don't want to hear it.  No  walking on eggshells.  We just like hanging out together.

I've been thinking a lot about how I threw all my past away to be with my BPD gf. My friends, my family -- everything I was.   It was a conscious decision.  Like I was voluntarily walking into an alternate reality where nothing mattered but her.  Why did I do that? 

Now I am reacquainting myself with my past.  Because my past is me.  I guess I threw away me for a time.

But what I thought about most after that song was how she had no people.  I always thought that was weird.  She had family, sure -- but she didn't want to spend too much time with them.  We would visit and then split real quick.  She had no real friends or even acquaintances from the past.   

She had plenty of ex-boyfriends she said she hoped I never met.  A few were  dead, probably from the stress.  I remember her telling me about one living ex in particular, her boss, a married guy.  When he heard about me, she said he said -- "breaking up another marriage are you?".  And I thought he was a jerk for saying that.  Such was my illness.  Such was her hold on me.

She had two girl friends.  She made a point never to introduce me to one, and to spend minimal time with the other.  The one I never met seemed kind enough, she took her in when she had nowhere to go.  Although my ex thought her husband had propositioned her.  The other was a lost soul, drug addict.  Single mom.  I met her accidentally in a bar.  This one's ex-husband asked my exBPDgf out.  Every friend, every acquaintance had some sexual story attached to it.

Can you imagine?  No wonder she was twisted.  But was it all true or imagined?  Did she provoke?

Is that odd?  That she had no real friends?  I think so.  I think I read somewhere that it's a symptom of BPD -- no real friendships.  Another sad facet of all this if it's true.  She probably cherishes her solitude as another nugget of her victimhood, how the world is so wrong, how she is such a sad maligned waif.  Why won't she ask the hard question?

Because now she is FT with a new bf.  Nothing but him.  And she's itching to leave.  Same old story.

She really is a child.  Stuck.  It's all so very sad.

[In a bad way]

      Is that odd?  That she had no real friends?  I think so.  I think I read somewhere that it's a symptom of BPD -- no real friendships                 

Mine was the same, although at the time I didn't think much of it.
All her friends on FB were either family or people from work, or her kids friends.
She worked with her mother and both their FB friends lists were nearly identical.
I only ever met one of her friends, (I think her only one) once, for 2 minutes.
Her and this friend visited each others house a couple of times a year to exchange gifts but the visits were only minutes.
I fell for all the cr*p about how all her friends that she used to see were bad people and had all let her down in the past.
Everybody had let her down at some point and they had fell out, she falls out with her kids on a daily basis and has zero parenting skills, they do what they want and she does what they tell her.
Whenever the kids were out of order (daily) and I made a suggestion to her I was accused of calling her a bad parent. She wouldn't accept help partly because she couldn't see the problem or as I found out she prefers to bury her head in the sand and hope the problem will go away.
She has no grown up communication skills, she can't discuss problems, she resorts to screaming and shouting and is the victim when all I ever did was try to help her.
And talking about our problems was impossible 99% of the time, and when she did it was all forgot and she went back on her word the next day.
But yes I do think, certainly in my case she has no friends.
Another thing you mentioned is how she always mentioned previous boyfriends and how they were all bast***ds but how they all still love her and people at work (blokes) paying her compliments and fancying her.
Also bringing up how people thought they had  some sort of sexual thing with her but she denied it.

[MeandThee29]

A therapist told me that this is a marker. There's a level of distrust and the whole fear of being vulnerable that leads them that way. He told me that questions that therapists ask about friendships are part of how they screen for BPD/NPD, among other things. If they have no close friends other than family, they look into why that is.

[In a bad way]

There's a problem in that in my case anyway whenever she would discuss friends they had all wronged her in some way.
They can't all have been bad, the common denominator in all her previous failed
 friendships is the same as in all her previous failed relationships is HER!
Can she see that or does she really believe she is the victim?
It's something that always gets to me.do they believe what they are saying?
Mine accused me of things she had done all the time, far to long to list but things like giving me the silent treatment and then later accusing me of doing it to her.
The thing is it's so irrational I wanted to bang my head against a wall, do they do it on purpose or do they really believe it the way they are saying even though it's not true?
Are they that mentally ill that they can't see the reality?
We are getting on a par with people saying a voice told them to do it, it's crazy.

[Pretty Woman]

The no friends thing is pretty common. My ex had NO friends from her past. Just Facebook "floaters" who she hadn't seen since HS but acted like they were "besties" in her "alternate social media universe"... .OR they were all exes she had dated but now were calling her "best friends"... .people she screwed over---some pretty badly but they were willing to stick around for further abuse in her "friendzone".

When we dated all her friends were pretty much, my friends.

After the discard she kept some of them on FB but last year unfriended about 98% of them. All her friends now are her new GF's friends.

Wash, Rinse and Repeat.

I imagine this will continue on. When she is mirroring someone she also takes on their traits, their interests... .their friends. She doesn't possess her own identity.

I recently saw a picture of her. She is very heavy... .has gained about 70lbs. She is into scrapbooking and game night with women in their 60's/70's. Her GF's ex is about 20yrs older than them and they hang out with her.

When I was with my ex she was into physical fitness, the outdoors. We went to concerts a lot (I am big into music). Before me she was into BDSM and a very "alternative" lifestyle... .
well her ex was and she fell into that.

It's almost like watching an undercover spy. She can change identities on a dime, or so it seems. It's normal to take on interests of someone you love, but this is pretty much taking over everything because there is nothing interesting about the BPD stripped down to their core. Sadly, they lack their own identity. That's what hurts so badly when they leave. You feel like a part of yourself is gone because they were mirroring YOU. 

I realized

[MeandThee29]

Mine would say that I wasn't close to anyone and had horrible social skills. That confused me until I figured it out that it was projection.  

He'd also throw in there that I was going to die alone because nobody likes me.

Oh, the games.

[40days_in_desert]

Mine was the same way. I met her before FB was around so she didn't even have that. She had one friend that she mentioned but never saw her and she didn't hang out with her after we started dating. We hung out with my friends. Recently she told me that I never let her have friends. This is the first time that she mentioned this. To me anyway. I asked her how she felt that I did that. She said that when she had friends over, I would just sit there and look angry.

She had friends along the way in our 17 years together. Mostly short term friendships. Some of that was due to us moving several times but not because I wouldn't let her.

[SummerStorm]

Though this could be a trait of pwBPD, I want to also note that this doesn't necessarily mean that someone has BPD.

I have social anxiety and am also very insecure.  I don't go to parties or to bars.  When I was in college, I went to class, left, went to work, etc.  I didn't hang out on campus and join groups.  I'm not a "joiner." 

I don't have any friends, at least not of the kind that you are referring to in this post.  The last person I hung out with was actually my BPD "friend," over a year ago.  Prior to that, I went to see a musical at a high school with one of my co-workers.

From the time I was a kid, I didn't feel like I really fit in anywhere.  I never drank or smoke or did drugs, so I didn't fit in with that crowd.  I wasn't an athlete, so I didn't fit in with them.   I have strong values, but I'm not religious at all, so I didn't fit in with that crowd.  I did have some friends in high school, but I'm a lesbian, and when I started coming out to them, they distanced themselves, and then we stopped being friends. 

That being said, if someone were to ask me why I don't have friends, I also wouldn't place blame on anyone else.  I am an only child, and most of my childhood summers were spent hanging out at work with my mom (she works at a garden center, so I helped water flowers and loaded things into cars for elderly customers).  I had to find ways to keep myself occupied when my mom was busy, so I read, listened to music, rode my bike, etc. 

I'm 32 years old, and I live alone.  I go hiking alone.  I go to the movies alone.  I go shopping alone.  That doesn't mean I have BPD.

I also feel confident that, if you were to ask people I knew in high school or college to give their opinion on me, they would either be positive or neutral.  I've never had major conflicts with other people or anything like that. 

One of the diagnostic criteria for BPD is a pattern of unstable relationships, and I think it's important to distinguish that from people who have a history of being independent and who enjoy being alone. 

[Seenowayout]

One of the diagnostic criteria for BPD is a pattern of unstable relationships, and I think it's important to distinguish that from people who have a history of being independent and who enjoy being alone. 

That's a good point SummerStorm.  Its interesting how my BPD HAD all kinds of people, but when the discard happens they are dead/gone/erased completely.  This to me this behavior is so cruel and so strange -- it's like karmal murder.  Mine had 3 husbands, several lovers, step children -- but they were completely removed from her life.  As I am now.  There is something about that which seems so unhealthy to me.  After all, I still play "Words with Friends" with my first gf from 37 years ago! 

You sound like a strong confident person who is not afraid of being alone, and who loves herself and enjoys her own company.  Quite the opposite of BPD and I'm sure there would be no confusion.

One of the angry slurs my exBPD tried to shame me with was "Oh, you just need your alone time".  That one never hurt.  I was like -- yeah, I love myself.  What's your problem?