Someone please talk me down

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’m relatively new here, and I’ve already relied on this site like crazy.

And I really need some objectivity from people more level headed than I am now.

I have attempted to break away from my pwBPD and I’ve had no real communication in several days, except for last night when she said she was mailing my key. I was determined Saturday and yesterday to be a rock. Now, I am literally freaking out. I’m at work and I’m a mess. 

So, my exBPD broke up with me last weekend—as is the pattern for pwBPDs, it was sudden and very cold. But, after two days of not hearing from her we went out last Thursday. Dinner was awful, she was cold, not fully present and told me some rather insulting things. While I tried to reassure and get back with her. It was awful. But, after dinner she was loving.

But the next day I never heard from her. So I emailed her very formally about my keys, no reply anywhere.  I was checking my phone every minute. I was frantic. Then I broke, I couldn’t take the stress and I blocked her text/phone.

That felt like a relief... .initially.

She finally emailed me last night about mailing my keys.

I’m now feeling awful! Maybe she was trying to contact me and wanted to try again? Maybe I just reinforced all of her fears of abandonment? Maybe I am the monster?

I almost went mad last night. I was overcome by feeling of regret and loss: it was like I just realized that I gave up on the most amazing woman I’ve ever met!

And today has been a disaster.

So, please, why am I wrong? Or am I right and I should try to contact her to ask her to try again? I am fighting this overwhelming urge

[Shoct]

I’m relatively new here, and I’ve already relied on this site like crazy.

And I really need some objectivity from people more level headed than I am now.

I have attempted to break away from my pwBPD and I’ve had no real communication in several days, except for last night when she said she was mailing my key. I was determined Saturday and yesterday to be a rock. Now, I am literally freaking out. I’m at work and I’m a mess. 

So, my exBPD broke up with me last weekend—as is the pattern for pwBPDs, it was sudden and very cold. But, after two days of not hearing from her we went out last Thursday. Dinner was awful, she was cold, not fully present and told me some rather insulting things. While I tried to reassure and get back with her. It was awful. But, after dinner she was loving.

But the next day I never heard from her. So I emailed her very formally about my keys, no reply anywhere.  I was checking my phone every minute. I was frantic. Then I broke, I couldn’t take the stress and I blocked her text/phone.

That felt like a relief... .initially.

She finally emailed me last night about mailing my keys.

I’m now feeling awful! Maybe she was trying to contact me and wanted to try again? Maybe I just reinforced all of her fears of abandonment? Maybe I am the monster?

I almost went mad last night. I was overcome by feeling of regret and loss: it was like I just realized that I gave up on the most amazing woman I’ve ever met!

And today has been a disaster.

So, please, why am I wrong? Or am I right and I should try to contact her to ask her to try again? I am fighting this overwhelming urge

[vanx]

Shoct,
I can really relate to what you're going through, and I'm sorry for
the stress you are experiencing. It sounds like a conflicted, difficult, uncertain situation, and I think a lot of people get very anxious in the face of uncertainty.
I'll give you the advice that my doctor gave to me, because it still holds up
as pretty solid to me. She said that even though it feels like this person holds the answer to easing your anxiety, you have to ease/resolve it not with her. I think this is ultimately the kindest thing to oneself. No matter what happens between the two of you, you have to be okay without her.
Now, to validate your feelings, I experienced the sudden change and breaking off of my partner. It seemed to come out of nowhere and was very hard to cope with. I definitely don't think you're a monster! There's no right or wrong decision I don't think, but it sounds like you were taking measures to protect yourself, which seems like a helpful instinct to me.
In short, my opinion is that your goal should be to feel better. It may seem, as this site observes, that she "holds the key to your happiness," but it really is not true. There's so much more to your life. Are you spending time with friends or family lately? Hang in there!

[Mutt]

She said that even though it feels like this person holds the answer to easing your anxiety, you have to ease/resolve it not with her. I think this is ultimately the kindest thing to oneself. No matter what happens between the two of you, you have to be okay without her.

That’s good advice - self maintenance. It also  to turn to others for an objectionable point of view to recentre yourself.

Shoct, I think that many members can relate with the anxiety associated with NC especially at the beginning. A long term goal can be indifference - depersonalize her behaviours you neither like it or hate it.

That being said, do you feel like she was indifferent at diner? You didn’t respond to her for a few days she may do the same to you. Don’t read into it too much - it’s speculative. The bigger picture is that she’s mailing you the keys continue on detaching and turn to the board for help.

[Shoct]

Thank you vanx, it is very helpful to read your post.

I can't even describe the feeling accurately. It was truly like I felt desperate for awhile, like I was falling, or crashing, or just like this out of control feeling of helplessness.

I have a strong suspicion I am idealizing everything, focusing solely on the good and forgetting how awful and upsetting it was. I think I have read so much about pwBPD that I felt extreme guilt. Reading about their extreme fear of abandonment and then abandoning her makes me feel just awful inside. I tend to always fight for the underdog, the down and out, the troubled, and it is like i am fighting myself over this decision.

Now, I haven't tried to contact her. But, I don't know why, I unblocked her phone/text. Stupid? Possibly.

I know that until i heal myself that even if she were to be miraculously cured of BPD (I know, impossible) I would not be in a spot to make anything work. I am so hurt and sad, it would immediately crumble.

And the notion that she holds the key to my happiness is spot on. Over the course of our short relationship, when other times she would stop communication, I would be a mess. But when she reached out to me I could feel an immediate relief. I guess that goes quite well with the idea of it being an addiction, not a relationship.

That is what has prevented me form doing what I am drawn to do, the fear that as hard as this is now, to go back and reach out again will be only a setback.

I don't have any family in the area, and, mainly due to my own long term depression, I don't have much of a social circle. I have reached out to some friends and family member, over the phone. Which is another reason that I could never be with her again--after I told my friends/family about what happened, and her affliction, there is no way any of my loved ones would accept her. Well, maybe not "no way", but it shattered her in the eyes of my relations. And I feel guilty about that too. My older sister is a school psychologist and she didn't mix words when i mentioned she was BPD. It was less a clinical opinion, and more of a sister, but she said run away as fast as you can. It helped at the time, but, again, guilt, as I feel like i was slandering my ex pwBPD. I loved her with everything, and now here i am telling people about her illness. That is awful.

I am sorry for what you are going through as well. You said you are going through similar, and that is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy--I wish you all the luck in the world and just know that there are oodles of people that are rooting for you.

[ArleighBurke]

Shoct,

What do YOU want?

I have attempted to break away from my pwBPD... .
my exBPD broke up with me last weekend... .
I tried to reassure and get back with her... .
I gave up on the most amazing woman I’ve ever met... .

I can't decide whether she left you, or you left her. Do you WANT a relationship with her?

AB

[Patusito]

Dear Shoct

Thanks for sharing your story. I have ended a relationship with a BPD about a year ago and I have some good news for you. Whatever you are going through now it is well worth it as you will be more and more relieved to not be with that person any longer. Believe me. The best I could have done is to go NC asap and keep it that way as I realized that there is no good outcome if you maintain contact with a "demon". I can relate to your panic when I decided to go cold turkey on her. It was hard but the sooner you realize that she is aweful  for you the easier it will be. Honestly, i do miss "her" from time to time but it's not her that I miss. Perhaps a fantasy with a mistery woman who happens to be as dark as it comes. She was pure evil and I wish to never see her again. I send you white light and keep NC at all cost and for the rest of your life. I would give the same advice to anyone. Don't ever go back!

[Shoct]

Hi Mutt, thank you for responding.

Love your profile pic, btw. I am a boston terrier owner, but pugs are also awesome.

That is what I am struggling with, the NC. I blocked her during the weekend and late last night i was kind of nodding off (somehow, pure exhaustion mainly) and my brain hit the PANIC button. And i found myself pacing like a mad man, nearly in tears, trying to grasp what had happened. Why had it hit me like a tidal wave? (rhetorical) Like frantic type stuff. Luckily after about 5 minutes the crisis passed. But it was one of the most intense emotional reactions I think I've had. Ever. I understand how people can literally lose their s**t when faced with overwhelming emotions.

I realized a little later, as then i was wide awake, was that before my mini meltdown I had gone some time without dwelling and stressing. It was like my brain had stored up all the thoughts and then once i opened the door they came in like a tornado.

Which made me wonder. I am not sure if there are any trained therapists, or psychologists, neurologists, etc. but I was wondering something:

Is it possible that the brain (when starting to forget either traumatic of amazing experience, as memories transition from short term to long term) tries to retain fading memories by obsessing about the experience? As time passes since I last had the memory that the brain, in order to hold on to said memories, keeps recycling them? That is probably a nearly incomprehensible idea.

To answer your question, yes. She was more than indifferent. When I met her before dinner and we walked to dinner it was a completely different dynamic. She was an avid hand holder, and always greeted me with a deep kiss. This time it was a peck and no hand holding. Then at dinner her behavior was odd. It was like she was completely unfazed by anything. She had a strange look in her eyes and when I initially brought up the fact that she broke up with my days earlier she as defensive in such a deceitful way. And, as I pressed further she told me that I need to "change my entire life" if I wanted anything to work. But it wasn't said in the manner of 'ideas of how to make the relationship work', but, especially the way she said it, it seemed like she said it to make sure I knew that she was done with the relationship. Of course 30 minutes later things were completely different. But the rollercoaster had already made me ill.

[Bo123]

Shoct--  This will be a roller coaster ride, expect it!  With as many physical issues driven by the emotional issues, see your Dr!  There is no BPD pill but clearly you would be doing yourself a favor if you had the ability to reduce the stress and there are many safe options available that are not addictive used properly and wont knock you out.  If you could do that, I'd bet money you would feel much better, it wont fix everything but the physiology of stress clearly shows that the more we are stressed out the worse decisions we make.  I've responded to you before and with things being this fresh, take care of yourself 1st, let the Dr do his thing and then problem solve.  I can't see you going wrong with that approach as what you're going through now is severe trauma, there is help.  And in the meantime we're all here for you.

[Shoct]

Hi ArleighBurke,

Good question. What do I want.

Well, I think when it comes down to it, what i want is to end the hurt. And my mind keeps going to that place--that the way to stop my hurt is to get her back. And, if this was a 'normal' (sorry to use that, not meant to be offensive) woman, I would do anything to win her back. But I know, as she told me last week, she was diagnosed BPD and what I understand is that that this relationship would never be what it was during the first love bomb. Before the first time she left me, and before I ever thought that at any second she could just cut me out.

As far as did i leave her or did she leave me, it is confusing. She ended our relationship two Fridays ago in the most shocking and abrupt way and then didn't talk to me for two days. And when she did write me it was to ask for her clothes she had here, and to tell me how awful i am. I was devastated.

So, I wrote her, and poured my heart out. She said it made her cry and suggested we go out to talk about things. Well, we did, but she wasn't the lady I knew. She was cold, distant and didn't want to talk about us, nor what happened. Finally, when pressed, she told me that I should have known it was coming (ummm... .no, the previous month she was overwhelming in telling me how great i was and how happy i made her -- and I didn't know she was BPD then). And she told me that if i wanted to have any hope i needed to change every aspect of my life.

After dinner she acted completely different, telling me she loved me but was just confused. I didn't hear from her at all the next day.

That was when I kind of broke.

I was checking my phone every second, i felt like i was losing my mind. And then i blocked her. Initially it was such a relief. She couldn't contact me, and I relaxed a lot. But that relaxing sensation wore off soon after and I began to hate that i did that. I couldn't help but be haunted by the notion that maybe she had called me or texted me and i missed it. And that maybe she had tried to reach me but i cut her out. Now, she could always email me, and DM me through IG, but i had this sinking feeling.

And now i am trapped in a cycle of thinking i did the right thing as it spins into the feeling that i screwed up and missed my chance to get her back.

[Shoct]

thank you so much Bo123

I feel a bit sheepish: i am hitting the panic button, and i am so new to this. I admit that this current situation at times feel like drowning in anxiety and doubt. And I have gotten so much comfort reading others experiences, those that have gone through this longer than i (most everyone here, so it seems).

I have not had the opportunity to see any Dr. For one, this being so recent. I have an appt on Friday, but with a therapist, thus no prescriptions. My sister is a psychologist and she said that depression runs in our family (which was news to me, and probably a reason i fell so hard for this too-good-to-be true relationship) and recommended the same.

Thank you again Bo123. That is a very nice thing you wrote

[Shoct]

hi Patusito,

That is a great thing to read. I think, deep down, I know it to be the truth. But in this initial period it is easy for me to lose sight of. And why i am so grateful to you and the others for helping me keep my ship in line. If you could bottle that post I would buy it by the case.

I keep falling into grief and despair, i need a little anger to be tossed into the mix. I have the silly habit of not doing awful things to people i care for, but i was done wrong and i need to focus on just how mistreated i was. I am 45, and in my 45 years no one has ever said the things she said to me. Using my most sensitive thoughts and fears against me. I even told her the first time she did that she has used my feelings as weapons to hurt me. Why I would want to go back to this?

thank you, thank you, thank Patusito

[SlyQQ]

You are probably being reeled in.

It is straight from the how to trap some one play book, you were white nighted then she mysteriously disappearedof the scene after she was sure you would chase her,  ( google it)

I am the only surviving long term partner of my ex BPD and consider myself lucky to be alive, this lady knows exactly what she is doing  and sooner or later if you don't break it off now you will end up dead.

[Shoct]

that is horrifying SlyQQ

I don't mean that in criticism of your post--on the contrary it is incredibly helpful to read, to keep me in the right direction. Thank you.

But, beyond chilling... .

"I am the only surviving long term partner of my ex BPD and consider myself lucky to be alive"

Can i ask if you've posted your story anywhere here? Or, if not... .maybe you should. I'm glad you did, and I am sorry, that sounds absolutely horrifying.

[Bo123]

Shoct--  This may be a dupe message, I posted one a few minutes ago and it never showed up?  Your sister is right that your family history may make this harder, however, there are short term options with anti anxiety drugs that you can take as needed or round the clock in low doses that have almost zero side effects that will work, some in 30 minutes for an emotional attack you may feel to a longer 1-3 hours that will also help you sleep.  I'm not in favor of more drugs for people but as you describe what your going through I can almost say with high certainty they would be a band-aid fix and very effective until you get a chance to start thinking clearer and not pacing the floor.  Just letting you know there is immediate help available besides this excellent forum until you get back to your normal self as best you can.  Hang in there my friend, I know it's tough.

[SlyQQ]

Click on my name, and you go to my first post, page 54

[vanx]

Shoct,
I understand the difficulty in describing the emotional experience sometimes, but I think I know what you are describing. I think I felt the same way. Sometimes it helps a little to simply observe what you are feeling. It is an awful feeling--at the extreme end of anxiety, you feel total impending doom, or that you are basically about to die. In my experience, a lot of this is a snowballing effect from how you respond to your emotions. For example, someone might notice he is short of breath, experiencing a little anxiety, and then worry, "Oh, no, this is bad--something's wrong with me!" and so on. Anyhow, I could go on, but this is coming from someone who has not mastered the mindful techniques of observing your thoughts without judgment, but I'm trying! My point is, you probably are more in control than you believe, but perhaps since your anxieties are triggered by her shutting you out, you may simply be a little vulnerable, and you may have compounded anxiety from worrying about the anxiety. That's okay.
If you are vulnerable, bear in mind that is a very good time to be extra gentle with yourself. I understand where you're coming from, but I picked up on some of the language you use to describe yourself or your behavior: "a monster", "stupid", "awful". I think you are being pretty hard on yourself when you don't deserve it. I'm also hearing a lot of guilt based on being sensitive to her needs. It is a wonderful thing to be giving to another person, but you aren't responsible for her issues. Guilt has its uses, and I think often it is pretty kind and generous people who take it on pretty hard--to be totally frank, this guilt you are experiencing seems pretty out of proportion to what's going on. You didn't do anything wrong, and you deserve to release yourself from this guilt ASAP!
The analogy of an addiction was really helpful for me--it seems like you just laid it all out pretty astutely. That doesn't mean there weren't legitimate things that attracted you to her, or that you can't have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a person, but if you have any unresolved attachment hungers, or if you are a little lonely or isolated in life in some ways, my impression is you can be somewhat vulnerable to an addictive relationship.
I have struggled with depression a long time too. I guess this is part of why I am writing so much here , because I can really relate to you I think. I get what you mean about explaining things to other people--I always feel/felt it was necessary to explain she has BPD. Was it the reason/cause of everything? No, I had my own issues--the disorder wasn't the sole cause of things not working out, but it was a contributing factor, and I would say being on the other side of BPD can be a pretty intense, triggering, and unique experience. It's definitely part of the story and including it is part of feeling understood. I could be off base here too, but I get the impression maybe part of why you are telling people is because you care about her. It's not easy caring about someone who suffers from illness.
I really appreciate your kind words. Nowadays I am still struggling with my depression/anxiety issues, but the silver lining is I do think my experience with a pwBPD helped me realize that what I really needed was connections with other people, and I'm not trying to steer you either direction, but I did doubt I would ever get over her, and a year plus since she left me, I don't think about her much. In my case, all my needs were kind of honed in on her, but what I really needed was to feel connection in general. I'm not saying your path is the same as mine, but I do understand the isolation depression brings at times. I am really glad you have reached out to family. I just want to say that I can tell you care about this person, but this is your time right now. Allow yourself to release the guilt and give yourself the love you are so capable of giving to others, because you are worth it! Be good to yourself.

[Mutt]

But it was one of the most intense emotional reactions I think I've had. Ever. I understand how people can literally lose their s**t when faced with overwhelming emotions.

Sure it's pretty scary I have panic disorder and I can relate with panic attacks, it feels like you're losing it and you're going to die. That being said, we overestimate the anxiety and underestimate our ability to cope with it. Others have already mentioned anxiety I just wanted to share an article that you or someone else may find helpful.

What is a panic attack? How to deal with them.

[Bo123]

Shoct-- You need to see your DR NOW!  You want a solution so bad and you are not doing what will help.  Do you want to feel better?  Then listen to someone who is trained in this area and you will be feeling much better very soon and all are generic.  If you wont listen to experience and those trained in medical certifications, I wonder how serious how much you want to get better.  Really.  I'm not giving medical advice to someone I have not met, but you need meds to help you help yourself.  It's a simple process and tell the nurse how important it is and they may call something in and do a follow up appointment or at least get you in sooner.  If you wont spend $8 to feel better, I question your  desire to feel better.  If you have to see your Dr, tell them how bad you feel and usually they keep a appt or two for such cases, I know and  am certified in the field.  This is a simple short term fix and you are fighting good advice from me and others.  Make it a priority.  Tell me what you get and I'll  tell you what to expect.  I'm not going to "out" myself but you are wasting time and help.  Make the call now and help yourself.

[Shoct]

Bo123,

I appreciate your posts very much, I can tell you are very interested in helping, and I am grateful.

I don't want to 'out' myself either, but it is not so easy for me to take meds. I have a genetic heart condition, and i have an implanted heart device. I did some basic research on anti's and a lot I saw may complicate heart-related issues. I am not suicidal, nor am i failing to do what i need to do (i.e., work, take care of my dogs, etc)--so I don't view this as a pants on fire emergency. Yes, over the weekend, especially Sunday I thought i was having a breakdown. Today, well, is different, and I am beyond grateful for a moment of light.

I am sorry I didn't respond earlier, I have been (luckily) very busy and that has helped tremendously.

And, I have to say I had a revelation of sorts over the past 24 hours. I am actually going to post in the other section, the 'wounds' section.

Thanks again!

[Shoct]

That was such a great and valuable post vanx, I am truly grateful.

It is so good to know that there are others struggling with the same cluster-f of a situation. And, at least right now, I am trying to see the positive in all of this. Luckily I didn't suffer the same sort of abuse that others have, mainly, I am guessing, due to the brevity of the relationship. We were never financially, legally or 'offspringly' linked. And I can't imagine how much harder this would be if any of those were the case.

I feel as like I am moving from deep and soul crushing grief and regret to that of anger. Not crazy-anger, like I am going to look for revenge or anything. But more in just turning that love i thought i had into loathing what happened to me. yesterday i felt frantic, i even unblocked her number. Today I felt mad, and I re-blocked everything.

Mindfulness is such an amazing concept. I was lucky enough to take a mindfulness course at a local univ, and i practiced meditation for a short while (years ago), but never really felt like I could get much from it--despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. But now i am going to try to start up again. Being able to calm one's mind, to quiet and stop the scenario-making is vital. I hope NEVER to be in a situation like this again, but since I have now dated a NPD and a BPD I fear I am the type that attracts the crazy.

And like you and so many others have said, until i conquer my own demons--namely depression and low self esteem--I invite some other soul-vampire into my world. I hadn't mentioned the NPD previously as I was so laser focused on my immediate grief, but I need to face up to it that I did that as well, years ago. And, honestly, today as I considered how terrible that situation was, and the lessons i learned from it (obv i didn't learn to avoid this in the future) helped me transition and stop caring so much. Indifference is the goal, and if i have to go through hate to get there so be it.

I am sorry to hear you suffer from depression as well. I wonder how many victims of the BPDs are, both before and after. I am really hoping to be able to take on my depression through a combo of therapy, better living and holistic medicine. As i told Bo, taking meds is not as easy for me. I am sure there might be a way around that, but I hope to avoid if at all possible. I am on the precipice of losing my job, unrelated to this situation, and I will lose my health insurance.

Keep doing what you are doing my friend. We are here for you as well.