The holidays...

[Furbaby Mom]

Hey,
It's me again.  To refresh memories, SIL 1, SIL 2 have given me the most trouble with their borderline tendencies (SIL 1 actually diagnosed, SIL 2 not), but this time around it is MIL I need some advise on.
I received an email from my husband today.  It was a forward from one of his employees.  The email was an apology from this employee saying she did not think my husband would react as he had to her communicating with his mom.
Background info... .MIL has been distant with me.  At times, she crosses a line in terms of basic manners like one year for Christmas she got everyone numerous gifts, but just chapstick for me.  Little things to make it seem like she does not really want me there.  She has asked my husband to come over, but only him and not me.  She and my husband have had a rocky relationship due to many issues in the past including her cheating on her then husband (hubby's father), and lying about it and getting pregnant with SIL 2 and not revealing until the 8th month it was not her husbands, taking a lot of money, etc.  My husband loves her as his mom, but acknowledges that what she gives is all she can give.  My perspective is there is really no attachment there. 
Lately, I have been working on creating boundaries for my sake and my husband's with his sisters.  Typically, his mom does not want to be involved in any drama with them and deflects.  We invited her to my birthday party in October and she must have found a way to talk to my husbands employee.
It turns out, she asked his employee for her number because "she wanted a tour of the office."  Odd, because my husband would gladly give her one.  Apparently last Friday, she reached out to this employee (not my husband) and got something put on the calendar.  We have not heard from her since my birthday party (late Oct) and now she tries to schedule a tour of the office space with his employee?  It is so odd and seems kind of invasive given she never expressed to us that she cared about his business, let alone the office space. 
Usually with things like this there is a motive and it being so close to Christmas my guess is she wanted to talk to him about his plans?  I am just shooting in the dark because I don't know.  I do know that the only reason she wouldn't schedule with him is to throw him off and him being at work would guarantee he would listen to her instead of telling her he is busy.  I feel like she crossed a major line and once again, did not see this one coming.
I am feeling like this is never going to stop.  Is the only way to cut communication completely?  His sisters are also acting out because the holiday is coming and they want invitations.  I feel completely overwhelmed and quite frankly, don't want to see any of them.  Thoughts?

[Fie]

Hello 

Do you think it's possible your MIL is trying to triangulate with your H's employees ?

This situation reminds me of my mum, who's trying to fish for information regarding my child through my child's dad (we are separated), even though I never tried to keep my mum away from her grandchild.

My only guess is that my mum wants to exert control and create drama. There is no logical explanation. Do you think that might be the case with your MIL ?

Maybe it's an option for your husband to draw boundaries towards both his employees and his mum, telling everyone the tour of the office is not on ?

[Furbaby Mom]

Thank you for your reply.  I love this board so much because I genuinely feel supported here. 

Honestly, I had not considered triangulation.  MIL typically triangulates to get something for herself, just like her daughters do and what most BPD's do I am guessing.  My fear is that she wants to create her own level of drama outside of everything her daughters are creating and what's scary is that that is at my husband's place of work.  My husband did squash the tour, but I am unsure of on whom he casts the responsibility.  His mom tends to stay away from causing drama with him because he gives her things she wants/needs especially around this time of year. 

I did get some information from her at my party that she may be having issues with her job (not surprising and she has had many) so a piece of me wonders if she needs money?  I hate not knowing and I hate being the one they keep trying to push out.  The idea of her showing up to the office without my husband knowing infuriates me.  These women tend to wait until they know he is at work to contact him because he will a. respond and b. tell them what they want to hear mainly because he is incredibly busy and if he pisses them off, they call 200 times in a row/text constantly and embarrass him (the office is set up like a co-working space so there is no privacy) so he just tries to keep them quiet.  Plus, I am not there to help him stick up for himself.  The tactic is known well to me.

Does this happen to anyone else?  I feel emotionally drained and sadly, this is just the beginning.  They want our attention for Christmas and they will explode until we agree.  I need help coping this week because his mom trying to show up at his work is just the first step. 

[No-One]

Hi Furbaby Mom:
Do you trust your husband, in that he won't loan his mom a significant amount of money, without including you in the decision?  Is part of your anxiety rooted in NOT wanting your husband to spend any holiday time with his side of the family (which he could do somewhere other than your home and on a day that you don't have anything planned for him and you could stay at home)

You could relieve yourself of a big burden, if you let your husband worry about whether his mom will call him at the office. Maybe your husband shares more than he should about his mom, in that it causes you unnecessary anxiety.  It might have been better for you not to know that his mom was trying to visit him at his office.  Some things you need to know about, but perhaps some things your husband should just handle.

You husband has to make and enforce his own boundaries with his mom. You can have and enforce your own boundaries.  Some of your boundaries might match with your husband's, but others may not.  

Perhaps if your husband just calls his mom and and makes arrangements for him to visit her, you will feel less anxious.

His mom is who she is.  You have no power to change her.  The best thing you can do is to radically accept the situation and manage your own boundaries with his mom and sisters, and then let your husband manage his own boundaries with them.  One of your boundaries might be that you won't socialize with his family during the holidays.  That shouldn't prevent your husband from having his own private time with his mom, if that is what he wants.