BPD older sister wants me to speak at her wedding, but I don't want to

[bpdsister29]

Hello, my older sister (2 years older) is getting married and wants me to speak at her wedding, but I feel I have nothing nice to say and I really do not want to give a speech that is not genuine and generic.

To give you all some background, my sister is undiagnosed, but I have read walking on eggshells and am certain she is BPD. I would call her a high functioning BPD. She is very successful in her career and appears pretty normal to most people (although her nastiness often comes out in public, but people just think she's being a "mean sister". Since we were young kids, ages 2 and 4 I remember being a happy little toddler, wanting to play with her and she would snap back and boss me around. As we grew up, it got worse, she would attack me and make me feel like I was worthless/ non existent. I basically grew up thinking I was the lesser child my whole life until I went off to college and met awesome "popular/cool" people who loved me for who I am. She continues to say the nastiest, hurtful things to me, and I'm afraid its become a viscous cycle. I have so much hate for her that I cannot be nice or happy for her. In return she uses that as leverage of how I am a miserable worthless person who will never get married in life (which she has said in front of my extended family at family dinners).

Well long story short... .she is getting married to a nice guy... .who is weirdly putting up with her bull please read               |. They fight all the time, especially in front of our family, which makes us all embarrassed and uncomfortable. I have no respect for her fiancé because he is staying with her. She has few, if any redeeming qualities besides that fact that she is beautiful (to those who don't know her) and a very aggressive business person. She is aggressive to the point that she has said many times "I always need to have the last word because if I think someone is wrong then I won't feel ok until I ___ them out and make them know they were wrong". She doesn't understand the concept that people won't like her if she is rude to them, and if you tell her that she says she doesn't care if people like her because she's always right. But back to the fiance... .they are a divorce waiting to happen because he's beginning to resent her and they come from very different lifestyles. She has even told us she doesn't want to marry him, but she feels its too late to start dating again so she's going to marry him.

So now to my point... .she is begging me to write a speech and speak at her wedding, but I literally do not have anything nice to say. I am the type of person that cannot write bull please read               |, but when I write about something I am passionate about, the words fly off the page (I.e. this post). I feel that I do not want to speak, therefore I should not have to. I also think its weird to ask someone to write something nice about you and then speak in front of 300 people when they haven't offered or have already said no. I also feel that I have already put a TON of time and effort into this wedding. It is taking over my life. I have planned half the wedding down to the venue, vendors, chose her invitation for her, planned the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, made the whole wedding website from scratch, etc. Haven't I shown her my support already? And of course she is guilt tripping me. See below for our email conversation and please send over your thoughts.

(after I already told her months ago that I didn't want to speak, but I would write her a letter on her wedding day):

Her: You are making a speech at the wedding btw. The maid of honor has to. So start writing and it has to be good.

Me: The maid of honor does not have to speak, it is not nice to force people to speak

Her: Yes. You have to. Its rude not to. I would speak at your wedding.

Me: Well that would be your choice. I would never make you speak if you did not want to.

Her: I'm not making you but you should want to. My feelings will be so hurt.

Me: I'll think about it, but please don't count on it. Your feelings should not be hurt whether or not I speak. You have plenty of great people giving speeches.

She is trying to manipulate me here. And I know that even if I did speak it wouldn't be good enough or live up to the fantasy she has created in her head of my "awesome speech" that would essentially boost her self esteem... .and to be honest with everyone here... .I am worried if I got to writing It would start with thanks for making my childhood and life a living hell... . 

[Fie]

Dear BPDsister,


I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds very distressing.

Are you familiar with the concept of FOG ? (fear - obligation - guilt)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Of course you are not obliged to speech at your sisters' wedding. It is perfectly alright to say no. You can explain why you don't want to, or you can just say no without explaining. It's up to you, there is no right and there is no wrong.

One more thing, when you do give a reason (an invented one or the real one), make sure you give this reason only once and don't start to defend yourself /explain too much. That most often works counterproductive with BPD. A bit odd, I know, but I have seen it happen so many times. The more I explain to BPD why I could not have done the thing I was accused of, the more they think I did it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0


Does this help you a little ?