A thank you to her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Recovering from relationships from which you feel abused is very hard. We all loved our exBPD/PTSD/some kind of PD partners, yet they hurt and blamed and discarded us brutally. Each person experienced another unstable personality in different ways but many of us shared similar experiences: idealised, devalued, discarded, and blamed, often profoundly.

Many of us trawled social media for an explanation, often finding things which hurt even more. Many people advise against this, advocate NC and encourage us to work on ourselves and move on. I cannot argue with this advice, I did not do this and the pain was incredible.

But, what I learnt was that my ex has a pattern, is a compulsive liar and victim, and that the entirety of our relationship was based on lies and manipulation. There is no doubt of this, nor any doubt she is repeating that pattern. There is also no doubt that she feels absolutely nothing for me, despite our history, though that is also a demonstration of her disorder.

Checking out my fears, via social media or her past partners was devastating, it it was also liberating: her pattern is clear, where as my experience of her was unique. That doesn't mean I can't look back at my life and see where I have associated myself which similar destructive personalities, and try to see why I did that. What is my pattern? And how did I get myself into this mess.

My learning has been so powerful. My experience has given me the kick to the head I needed, not because I am any of the things my exBPD said or made me feel, but because I now see something huge about myself.

If I don't see a need for me in another person, if I don't feel my compulsion to support and help has no place or function, I question what I can offer to a relationship. I've been insecure with women I should have felt safe with, and sought out those who claim to be falling apart. The victim mentality, and it's spectrum, are deeply attractive to me. The reasons for this are abundantly clear from my childhood.

Do any of you relate to this?

So yes I made mistakes, but i also know I did things right. And you all should too. The confusion they leave you with is overwhelming, but there is a way you can reach that understanding. You can find closure but it requires you to be hurt more than you ever have been. For me that involved looking her up, when she could hurt me the most. What I found was someone capable of extreme manipulation and dishonesty, I found abuse.

You can begin to see your real mistakes, and separate them from their chaos and blame. Understanding their disorder helps a lot, as does knowing their pattern. Closure is understanding, but they will not give you that, you have to find it yourself.

There will be no hate for her, though I am angry and that is right. I made mistakes but the grudge and blame she carries is grossly disproportionate and unjustified. She did abuse me in her quest for control and marriage. She has succeeded in this very quickly with my replacement. She has done to others what she did to me. She tells huge lies to a very small number of sympathetic listeners. She carries deep anger and toxicity she hides very well. She is a cheat, a liar, and and abuser, while she constantly accuses others of cheating, lying and abusing.

She has mental health issues, and her actions during and since our break up show she has not learnt a thing.

But, I have.

I found peace with a part of myself: I don't need to be a hero. I've carried that inadequacy in me my whole life, and that weakness in me will never ever catch me out again.

Should she ever contact me again, I will thank her from the bottom of my heart.

The best stuff comes from struggle, pain and failure. Things grow out of the dirt, and in that context throwing some s@#t in there too can only be a good thing

[Justbecause]

Recovering from relationships from which you feel abused is very hard. We all loved our exBPD/PTSD/some kind of PD partners, yet they hurt and blamed and discarded us brutally. Each person experienced another unstable personality in different ways but many of us shared similar experiences: idealised, devalued, discarded, and blamed, often profoundly.

Many of us trawled social media for an explanation, often finding things which hurt even more. Many people advise against this, advocate NC and encourage us to work on ourselves and move on. I cannot argue with this advice, I did not do this and the pain was incredible.

But, what I learnt was that my ex has a pattern, is a compulsive liar and victim, and that the entirety of our relationship was based on lies and manipulation. There is no doubt of this, nor any doubt she is repeating that pattern. There is also no doubt that she feels absolutely nothing for me, despite our history, though that is also a demonstration of her disorder.

Checking out my fears, via social media or her past partners was devastating, it it was also liberating: her pattern is clear, where as my experience of her was unique. That doesn't mean I can't look back at my life and see where I have associated myself which similar destructive personalities, and try to see why I did that. What is my pattern? And how did I get myself into this mess.

My learning has been so powerful. My experience has given me the kick to the head I needed, not because I am any of the things my exBPD said or made me feel, but because I now see something huge about myself.

If I don't see a need for me in another person, if I don't feel my compulsion to support and help has no place or function, I question what I can offer to a relationship. I've been insecure with women I should have felt safe with, and sought out those who claim to be falling apart. The victim mentality, and it's spectrum, are deeply attractive to me. The reasons for this are abundantly clear from my childhood.

Do any of you relate to this?

So yes I made mistakes, but i also know I did things right. And you all should too. The confusion they leave you with is overwhelming, but there is a way you can reach that understanding. You can find closure but it requires you to be hurt more than you ever have been. For me that involved looking her up, when she could hurt me the most. What I found was someone capable of extreme manipulation and dishonesty, I found abuse.

You can begin to see your real mistakes, and separate them from their chaos and blame. Understanding their disorder helps a lot, as does knowing their pattern. Closure is understanding, but they will not give you that, you have to find it yourself.

There will be no hate for her, though I am angry and that is right. I made mistakes but the grudge and blame she carries is grossly disproportionate and unjustified. She did abuse me in her quest for control and marriage. She has succeeded in this very quickly with my replacement. She has done to others what she did to me. She tells huge lies to a very small number of sympathetic listeners. She carries deep anger and toxicity she hides very well. She is a cheat, a liar, and and abuser, while she constantly accuses others of cheating, lying and abusing.

She has mental health issues, and her actions during and since our break up show she has not learnt a thing.

But, I have.

I found peace with a part of myself: I don't need to be a hero. I've carried that inadequacy in me my whole life, and that weakness in me will never ever catch me out again.

Should she ever contact me again, I will thank her from the bottom of my heart.

The best stuff comes from struggle, pain and failure. Things grow out of the dirt, and in that context throwing some s@#t in there too can only be a good thing

[MeandThee29]

So yes I made mistakes, but i also know I did things right. And you all should too. The confusion they leave you with is overwhelming, but there is a way you can reach that understanding. You can find closure but it requires you to be hurt more than you ever have been. For me that involved looking her up, when she could hurt me the most. What I found was someone capable of extreme manipulation and dishonesty, I found abuse.

You can begin to see your real mistakes, and separate them from their chaos and blame. Understanding their disorder helps a lot, as does knowing their pattern. Closure is understanding, but they will not give you that, you have to find it yourself.

There will be no hate for her, though I am angry and that is right. I made mistakes but the grudge and blame she carries is grossly disproportionate and unjustified. She did abuse me in her quest for control and marriage. She has succeeded in this very quickly with my replacement. She has done to others what she did to me. She tells huge lies to a very small number of sympathetic listeners. She carries deep anger and toxicity she hides very well. She is a cheat, a liar, and and abuser, while she constantly accuses others of cheating, lying and abusing.

She has mental health issues, and her actions during and since our break up show she has not learnt a thing.

But, I have.

I found peace with a part of myself: I don't need to be a hero. I've carried that inadequacy in me my whole life, and that weakness in me will never ever catch me out again.

Should she ever contact me again, I will thank her from the bottom of my heart.

The best stuff comes from struggle, pain and failure. Things grow out of the dirt, and in that context throwing some s@#t in there too can only be a good thing

This is where I am. It's been gut-wrenching with crippling depression at times, but I'm dealing with long-term things that it's time to look at. That's where my focus is.

I'm beginning to embrace that the loss is real but led to some gains too in this season.

I'm still in contact with mine, but I'm good with that at present. Email is manageable, but I do have to watch my boundaries as they are a little hazy when I'm not focused. For now, he's stopped the blaming and contempt.

About a month ago, looking at 2018 terrified me, but I'm far more hopeful now. There are some good things ahead. I believe that 2018 will be better than 2017.

[vanx]

Justbecause, I commend you for finding the silver lining, for being grateful to learn about yourself. I guess I don't have much else to add, but I just wanted
to offer support and understanding. I know for me, life isn't completely pleasant these days, but I do feel I am on a path where I'm no longer trying to escape, but rather experience things head on, in large part due to what I learned from my failed relationship. Anyhow, I wish you peace. I think it's very commendable of you to make peace with her and with yourself. Thanks for sharing.

[confused4now]

  I so relate to this... .I talk to my ex BPD husband tonight. It's only been 4 months since he moved out and our divorce is final. He has clearly moved on, and seems so unfazed about ending our 6 years. This is his 3rd divorce so he must be use to it. I felt so sad for myself while talking to him. He seemed so unaffected, like we had been divorced for 5 years, it is so true for them out of sight out of mind. I am not thanking him yet, I just can't believe I stayed with him for so long. I hear people say they feel guilty for leaving, heck I don't think he feels anything. He kept saying how good he is doing and how much he has changed. Wow all it took was a divorce and he's  happy, wonder why the previous 2 didn't make him this happy. Lucky me, my divorce helped him become a content man... .

[Harley Quinn]

Great post Justbecause!

Some real insights here and it fills me with joy to hear that you have dug deep, uncovered the core wound and faced it head on.  That takes real guts, so kudos to you.  I can very much relate to what you wrote here.  Thanks for sharing this with us.  May you find your self awareness pays huge dividends going forwards.  Keep your values close and allow yourself to dream big.  You deserve happiness.

Love and light x 

[blueblue12]

Justbecause thank you! Your post relates well where we should all be heading. I am also on that road.

Like you I was a caretaker and I was idealised, discarded and specially at the end abused badly. I had to soul search and with the help of my T have developed steadily. It’s a hard road, but at some point you do come to the conclusion that there was nothing you could have fixed there and all the love and devotion did not succeed in fixing any problems in the relationship.

At the end I have come to realise that her issues were so grand that the relationship was always going to explode at some point in time. Of course at the time, while immersed, I had no idea. I was just trying and trying to fix things, but she was on the road to destroy it all. And she did.

And once that happens it is damn hard to come back from that! She wanted to but I just couldn’t see it. But they do leave you stuck. My ex after 6 months of basically NC, has moved far, far away, but just before leaving sent me a little present with ‘love always xxx’, what does that mean? It is just another facet of this illness, a reminder that they want to leave you stuck.

[gotbushels]

Great post. Thank you for sharing Justbecause. I join the others in supporting you on your uncovered learning.

I do think this part of it is powerful.

If I don't see a need for me in another person, if I don't feel my compulsion to support and help has no place or function, I question what I can offer to a relationship. I've been insecure with women I should have felt safe with, and sought out those who claim to be falling apart. The victim mentality, and it's spectrum, are deeply attractive to me. The reasons for this are abundantly clear from my childhood.

I do relate to you. I used to feel that I derived a great deal of satisfaction out of fulfilling the needs of my partner. For the relationship with the pwBPD, that was filling the "black hole". Of course, the greater the need, the greater the work required to fill it--then the greater the satisfaction. Looking at it this way, the ability to derive this kind of satisfaction is without limit with a pwBPD's black hole.

Moreover, when I came across an independent partner later in my life, I too felt the unfamiliar--but similar--feeling of inadequacy. Unfamiliar not in an arrogant way, but because I was wondering why she felt secure when I wasn't busy caretaking. That, "Surely I'm not doing enough." Again, I too felt that I could have felt safe with her instead.

I do want to share that I think it's quite a human tendency to gain satisfaction from the act of provision. So I think you can get some hope that your want to be needed isn't so unusual. That sense of satisfaction can be tremendous in some cases.

I don't know what you desire in a partner in the future, but one thing I found enjoyable was someone who was independent. That may be relevant to you because I see my "need" to be "needed" in your story. Don't be afraid to experiment--it's actually quite fun.   Try to learn to be around potential partners who are not avoidant, but independent. Someone capable of maintaining themselves, and wanting a relationship with you not from a place of neediness, but from a place of want. I think that actually feels really good too. It's like receiving the satisfaction of enjoying a relationship with someone, but without the nagging desperation and clinginess when they aren't around. It's like not having that state of being forever waiting for the next tantrum about something you didn't do.

  I encourage you with hope to keep going on this path, because even when I was alone--I felt more secure and capable.

[Justbecause]

I don't know what you desire in a partner in the future, but one thing I found enjoyable was someone who was independent. That may be relevant to you because I see my "need" to be "needed" in your story. Don't be afraid to experiment--it's actually quite fun.   Try to learn to be around potential partners who are not avoidant, but independent. Someone capable of maintaining themselves, and wanting a relationship with you not from a place of neediness, but from a place of want. I think that actually feels really good too. It's like receiving the satisfaction of enjoying a relationship with someone, but without the nagging desperation and clinginess when they aren't around. It's like not having that state of being forever waiting for the next tantrum about something you didn't do.

  I encourage you with hope to keep going on this path, because even when I was alone--I felt more secure and capable.

Gotbushels, that part of your post is exactly what my relationship taught me. It's so powerful to hear other people say things that just hit the same nail on the head, I've found so much support on this forum. Thank you for that.

Independence is something I think a lot about, because I have it in abundance and can't understand how someone managed to take it from me. It's as if they demand codependency mistaking it for love, and feel so weak without it. I think that's when relationships go sour for them, when the dust of the honeymoon period ends that initial infatuation is over (though I never do that, love takes time for me) they feel their grip loosen and with it their sense of control, they are no longer safe.

My independence caused her such fear and hurt, but the love grew so deep. In the end I gave her complete control and total commitment since she claimed she got help. What she did next (was already doing) changed my life.

I don't know how you feel man, but it does change your life. Thanks for all your support, and I hope you are all healing

[gotbushels]

Independence is something I think a lot about, because I have it in abundance and can't understand how someone managed to take it from me. It's as if they demand codependency mistaking it for love, and feel so weak without it. I think that's when relationships go sour for them, when the dust of the honeymoon period ends that initial infatuation is over (though I never do that, love takes time for me) they feel their grip loosen and with it their sense of control, they are no longer safe.

My independence caused her such fear and hurt, but the love grew so deep. In the end I gave her complete control and total commitment since she claimed she got help. ... .

I think that's quite a classic scenario with these relationships. The enmeshment vs abandonment issue. My read off this is that you have a natural tendency to support your partner in this area. Your want to mitigate her fear and hurt, and provide help, led you to move away from an independent state. I'd like to share here that I also feel that I "gave her complete control" because doing otherwise was so painful (tantrums, exhaustion, etc.).   From here, what's next?


Based on our discussion, I think you might find these ideas of interest. I think they're super helpful.

Some definitions that may help... .

Interdependence It is what everyone wants.  Interdependence is two whole people who are capable of giving, being vulnerable and connected.

Cohesion is a measure of supportive interaction (including warmth, time together, nurturance, physical intimacy, and consistency).

Enmeshment is a measure of psychological control (including coercive control, separation anxiety, possessiveness/jealousy, emotional reactivity, and projective mystification). In an enmeshed family everyone shares the other's life-system. One learns not to look within one's self for awareness of what one is about, but to the other members of the family.

... .

So can one be vulnerable and connected and independent? Interesting.

... .
2. Over-Dependence Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don’t need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other — see also the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey).
... .

What's interesting to me is that Covey thought of it as a 3-step continuum rather than a line with two poles.

I don't know how you feel man, but it does change your life.

Yes.   For many of us, it's a "I totally didn't need this relationship" story--but for many others, things like this add to the benefits of recovering and learning (along with spoonfuls of self-compassion) from it instead of choosing not to.