When you walk away. The loss returns.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am doing my best. Which is to say, I try and move, not always forward. I am not ready to let her go, but holding on is just as painful.  

But it is never easy.  The times when I don't think of her, bring me back. When I realize I have been smiling and enjoying myself, just smack right into a kind of uneasy sadness.  I want to share the things I have realized, the wild understanding of just how strong I am.  

But not today.  And not tomorrow.  I think I am done.  And that means I break a promise, a piece of me that will come back but not quickly enough.  I can almost understand what it must be like for her. But I need to understand what it will mean for ME.

That promise of never letting go, because I saw it in her eyes. But she pushed, she punched, she lied and in the end she cheated.  

I am not her victim, and I am not to blame.  I have physical scars to remember just how much I took in the name of "being there".   I have broken holes in my walls, and in my heart. I have broken glasses, through which I see a better place.

I feel guilty, like I need to ask permission to move on.  I get stuck in thinking that If I can just do "one more thing", or say "one more thing".  

I am here, and if by now she does not know or cannot see it, it cannot be me that worries about it.  I have to let go.

[ynwa]

I am doing my best. Which is to say, I try and move, not always forward. I am not ready to let her go, but holding on is just as painful.  

But it is never easy.  The times when I don't think of her, bring me back. When I realize I have been smiling and enjoying myself, just smack right into a kind of uneasy sadness.  I want to share the things I have realized, the wild understanding of just how strong I am.  

But not today.  And not tomorrow.  I think I am done.  And that means I break a promise, a piece of me that will come back but not quickly enough.  I can almost understand what it must be like for her. But I need to understand what it will mean for ME.

That promise of never letting go, because I saw it in her eyes. But she pushed, she punched, she lied and in the end she cheated.  

I am not her victim, and I am not to blame.  I have physical scars to remember just how much I took in the name of "being there".   I have broken holes in my walls, and in my heart. I have broken glasses, through which I see a better place.

I feel guilty, like I need to ask permission to move on.  I get stuck in thinking that If I can just do "one more thing", or say "one more thing".  

I am here, and if by now she does not know or cannot see it, it cannot be me that worries about it.  I have to let go.

[gotbushels]

Hi ynwa 

But she pushed, she punched, she lied and in the end she cheated.   

It seems to have been a painful experience for you. A number of us here have been involved with violence-- and we've been left as individuals looking at the pieces.

What is the loss you refer to?

[ynwa]

Hi there Bushels.   As I am able, I understand the "violence".  I understand the loss of control of her emotions and just a lack of understanding.  I see that in her and always did.   I did fail to understand just how it affected me until too late.  That the things she needed, she took out of me.  I did not know how shut down and alone I was because of just "getting by".   How unaware of how sensitive I was and that I was totally unable to change the cause. 

But as far as loss?   I lost things I can get back, I am just impatient.  My pride tells me to keep trying, that ive gotten this far, why not try again.  keep reaching out... .  pretty much the standard stuff. 

what is different?   I recently put a further boundary and attempt at No Contact.   Its just time to let it go.  NO matter what the future may be, for right now, and for as long as it takes, I have to let go.  I have to in other words LOSE a person that I would rather be with than anyone else.    But I cannot tell if that is real.   I doubt she can change or can even really accept what happened.   

I was tested yesterday.  She texted to get her christmas stuff.   I made a quick decision to not answer and to drop it off at her work, with no contact.  She will see it when she gets there.  I did that this morning.  I felt empowered, lighter.  But then it strikes me that it might still be part of the "game".  I cannot keep the "her" that is my head, her voice, what I think she is feeling, out for very long.  and it begins to hurt.  The sadness creeps in, and I feel like I lost again.   She did call and text after she saw her stuff I guess, but I cant answer, I even left her texts unread.

I cannot go completely non-contact as I still have her cat, a few shared bills, etc.  A lot of her friends have stayed friends with me, and I have asked them not to choose.

What I have stuck with is that I will not reach across the divide.  I spent too long chasing and giving, without much in return.  I exposed myself to the worst treatment in order to show her that I was never going to leave, and that I would that one person that refused to give up on her.   But that was a bent idea.  I made that promise to a ghost, to a person that would never understand.

I have made and need to stick to my decision.  If she wants me in her life, she will have to show me, on my terms.  And that will likely never happen.   

Ive never had to do this,  never had to let someone go, who is still right there.  The two of her, that is.

[Shoct]

hi YNWA,

Lord I am sorry for all that you went through. It is good to read your posts as it helps me a lot. I think my break has been more recent than yours and, as you saw in my other posts, I am not quite on the straight path i wished for.

"I feel guilty, like I need to ask permission to move on.  I get stuck in thinking that If I can just do "one more thing", or say "one more thing"."

This has been such a difficult hill for me to climb. And you put it so well. I had hoped that by seizing on anger I could just lose those feelings.

Your post was a sad one for me, as as much as i want to hate her ("want" I know that my heart is absolutely shattered. But it was so important to read, and thank you for sharing your experience. Had I not others to talk to and learn from I'm afraid i would have already gone to the ends of the earth to win her back.

I hope you find peace my friend

[ynwa]

Thank you for your kind words Shoct.   

My timeline was a 4 year relationship.  It came to a breaking point just over a year ago. There was a lot of back and forth, but about 6 months ago when I started a new job, I started distancing myself.  Just last month, something clicked and I realized that I needed to cut her out of my life.

And today, I can look back at my post and see the emotion building.  I can tell by the grammar and spelling mistakes.   When I was on my way home from work, I reached out to my friends, let them know what happened, and then cried.   Because I am letting go, and its ok.   Because yes, I am angry and disappointed, and whatever emotions go through me. After that, I gave myself some time, laid down and did some simple meditation.

This post is more focused.  I can see it, and feel it.   

But,  I can see in your posts, and I can see in your language that you will be fine, you do not see it yet, but you are.  You are not broken, not truly. The only people who are truly broken, never get to see or realize they are broken.  They go through life attaching to people and break them.

If your words are just that little piece of you, then I think you have a pretty good handle of how you feel.  It is indeed ok to use Anger, but with compassion.  Your Ex, has an issue that may be invisible to them. Even if they are aware, they will not necessarily be able to be completely able to deal with it.   So you should be angry but with compassion.   

One thing that is very important, is reach out to others. Not just on this board, but to a friend, family, and go out and do something fun.  Something simple.  Something you may not be ready to do, and just do it. 

[Harley Quinn]

ynwa,

Your post really touched me.  I could feel the emotion behind your words and it brought back so much to me of how it felt to be in that place.  This turning point is very painful and yet so full of promise for your life and the future you truly want, which you know isn't something that is possible with your ex, as heartbreaking as that is.  I remember that moment of realisation well and I feel for you.  Wishing you strength and peace as you work through your feelings in the coming days and weeks.  We're here always for you.

Love and light x 

[ynwa]

Thanks Harley,   I am finding my balance.  Learning that it is ok to be lonely.  I am learning every day that a door that was once open, closes more and more every day.  That my way,  will never be so easy as slamming the door and never looking back.  

It is sad to still be on this side of the door,  and the parts of that refuse to give up, that still think the easy way back is better are losing.   I mentioned the abuse because I understand why she does it.  I can see that her response to her emotions is to lash out, and that it got worse as I changed and evolved to avoid it.  

In the end it does not really matter.  I was living in a place that I was never going to get out of on my own.  As her abuse grew, as her emotions grew more and more out of control, so did my tolerance.  

So sitting here today, I honestly miss her.   But I think I miss me more, at this point.  I am finding myself changed for the better in so many ways.  But the thing is, the only one I really want to show those things to is HER.  

But and I can only describe this visually, as that it is like a dark sheet or something starts to form in my head when I think these things.  When I picture conversations, it goes dark, or just ends.  When I got sober, my best friend was the reason.  I lost all my friends with him, who later also left him, but it left a huge hole in my life.   And I have tried to rebuild ever since.  Relationships became that void.  

And I still see him, I am god daughter to his niece and talk to him and laugh.  But I feel nothing.  How I am beginning to feel about her is the same.   I was afraid of that most of all.  I could sense it being a possibility even when we were still together.   I held on, because that was her biggest fear, to be left and forgotten.

But simply,  she made that happen.  Not me.    short sentence, but there is a lot behind that to let go of.

[gotbushels]

I see.

I understand the loss of control of her emotions and just a lack of understanding.  I see that in her and always did.  

It's interesting how we see shortcomings in people that will affect a relationship, and then hope it will still work out.

I did fail to understand just how it affected me until too late.  

Yes, often we don't understand how these situations with the pwBPD affect us until they've already happened.

But as far as loss?   I lost things I can get back, I am just impatient.  My pride tells me to keep trying, that ive gotten this far, why not try again.  keep reaching out... . pretty much the standard stuff.  

Things?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ynwa, It's OK to let go.  You don't need her permission to move on.  I doubt there is anything you can do or say that would change the outcome, sad to say.  Letting go is easier said than done in the aftermath of a BPD r/s, yet letting go is like taking a rock out of one's psychic backpack; it lessens the load.  Suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer as needed.  Treat yourself well, with care and consideration.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive for authenticity.  Take a walk in the woods or on the beach.  Be yourself.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[ynwa]

Thanks Lucky Jim,   My friends have said the same, and many of those were her friends to begin with.   I am as comfortable as I can be, and each day puts more solid ground under my decision.  

I do not think the dynamic between us would change.  It would come down to her traits, to her needs.

As for Loss,  The things like pride, trust, and sense of self, among other things.   I lost a lover, a friend, and some time.  It was worth it in a sense, but the dance was a bit rough at times.  

Nights like tonight, I am sure that in time, it will pass and I will be able to just shrug it off.  I have no doubts and can let the thoughts pass through.  A few days ago, I could not.  I am sure they will return in ever decreasing waves.  

Ive made an appointment with a doctor and will get on some anti-depressant meds.  I probably should have done it earlier, right?  

[Harley Quinn]

How are you doing since your last post ynwa?  Did you see a doctor?

As for Loss,  The things like pride, trust, and sense of self, among other things.   I lost a lover, a friend, and some time.  It was worth it in a sense, but the dance was a bit rough at times. 

Can you expand on the ways in which it was worth it?  I feel that as traumatic as my experience was, I wouldn't change anything because the things I learned have been so valuable.  I'm interested to hear your take on how this loss was worthwhile for yourself.

Love and light x

[ynwa]

Hey There Harley,   thanks for checking in.   Yes, I did go see a doctor.  I am on lexapro, which is helping and was also given xanax.  Both are helping with the anxiety and the over thinking.  Calming down the emotional so that I can deal with the practical.   I guess the truth vs. the what ifs.

You ask about "was it worth it".   Of course it was.  But today, I do not want to go there.  Obviously, I love her, and even amid her emotionally charged and disordered thinking, there is a great person in there.  But to move on, I have to stop seeing that side of her, and accept the side that caused me to lose myself in her emotions.

I miss her.  And I will for awhile. 

[ynwa]

I had to stop that post.  Because I do not always feel like I have something to say that is helpful to me.  I spend enough time dealing with the ideas and thoughts in my head that have not yet met with acceptance.  What I mean is, the more calm and understanding I find, the more I have the idea that I could reach out again, (yet again) and make things right.  But as time passes, I see that it was not making it right, or moving forward.  It was just buying time, or making a temporary peace. 

I struggle with just how much I let happen and if that could ever be forgiven or let go or whatever.  And I see that it is just me in this conversation. She is not here for this, and probably wasnt even when she was.  I cant see clearly enough, for long enough to truly let myself go.  Let myself accept that it was not meant to be between us.  That my own issues, her traits just made it impossible. 

its going to take time, some patience and a lot of self adjustment and understanding.   I will probably never get that from her.  I should never expect it.   I am sure she misses us, me, in a way that I might see, but not in a way that will help us move forward.

So a thing that I loved and desired, if even for some of the wrong reasons has passed.  The connecting threads still have some pieces there, and I am sure in time it might feel better, but it doesnt today.

[Jeffree]

YNWA,

Isn't it an amazing beginning with that special someone?

The words nobody said quite as convincingly, maybe even words you never thought possible to hear let alone hear from someone that beautiful. 

The sweet little notes, loving cards, considerate gifts... .from this person who seemed to trust you implicitly and love you longingly... .maybe even a little too desperately at times.

You were her everything... .soulmate, knight in shining armor, answer to her prayers all wrapped up in one. You were white.

Then you weren't and became permanently black. In a flash it unraveled, blew up, everything you tried to do to fix it made it worse, everything you said was taken in the worst way possible. She was now angry all the time at everything about you.

It seemed so real in the beginning, then went so wrong.

You're the same person she loved then loathed.

There's nothing you can do to get her back, nothing left to fix. She's broken. She broke you... .temporarily. I'm sorry, but that's how it goes with them. That's why musicians write songs of pain, why poets write words of woe, why artists paint their muses.

They can't believe how wonderful they felt at first and how empty they feel now.

It'll pass with time. We are here to help because we've been through it, too.

Unfortunately, we just don't know how they could do this to us. But even if we did, it probably wouldn't change how much we hurt and miss what it was like in the beginning.

J

[Zen606]

Hi Ynwa,
I can appreciate what you are saying about the love you feel for her and the positives you remember, and yes at the time it was worth it. But I think that this type of experiences, the joy and the pain helps us to contemplate ourselves and why we would go into a relationship with someone with BPD/traits. We did not know the love object had those issues, that is true, and now we have put 2 and 2 together. Good, so its time to ask ourselves what the point was in letting this person into our lives. Everyone is different, so for me the point/lesson I am taking from a borderline traits ex is that after looking at his behaviors, sometimes very subtle, he is in a way a reminder of my mom -- borderline traits certainly -- and it is this specific issue, the consequences for me of life with her that I am now exploring in therapy. Part of this lesson was to respect my gut feelings -- which I had about him from the beginning. Not having ever addressed my mom's borderline behavior in therapy, I am walking a long, sometimes dark journey. But it will help me in the long run. It has already helped me to see my ex in a very different light. Once in that light the love I had for him has been dulled, and I feel that NC and walking away from him was the best thing I could have done for myself. One can say I gave myself the most wonderful Xmas gift possible. This February it will be 3 months! Yay, and I will celebrate!   

It is a benefit to you to go forward in life. Actually its our responsibility to take care of ourselves. If you have not read Scott Peck's a road less traveled, I highly recommend it.
Zen606