Redefining Home for the Holidays

[mindfulgraditude]

Anyone else get annoyed by the nostalgia of our culture around this time of year? There's no place like home for the holidays! It kinda turns my stomach a bit. Since meeting my uBPD MIL my holidays have been full of fear and drama. Fear that she'll do something that will hurt herself (e.g. taking pills and drinking together so much she passes out in front of my niece and nephew), or that she'll create extreme family drama over some perceived slight or some other misunderstanding (the holiday norm). This has been the pattern of my past 10 years. I have dreaded the holidays with my in-laws. Hated them really. But my husband so yearns for any connection with his family, I endured for him.

However, this year I've been no contact since August, and I found myself struggling starting in November - should I give her another chance during the holidays, it's Christmas after all. Is it time to just go back like I always do? It's easier than enduring the bombings and my husbands pain of loss. But after some soul searching I've realized I am not ready to go back to the crazy.

Once I had let go of the expectation, the obligation and the fear of "what if I don't go back" - and just accepted where I actually am, I felt a huge sense of relief. I had to let go of caring what other people thought of me (this has been really hard, I'm a people pleaser at heart and it's been very challenging to live within the narrative she's created about me). I realized I can have a Christmas, with my children and husband, that is free of any drama, free of any fear, and free of the crazy! I never realized before now I could make that choice! I am so grateful to have this. And so grateful to be redefining for myself what is healthy for me and what "home for the holidays" means to me!

I know, that there may be repercussions for my decision. My husband and children will have brief, limited, controlled contact with the in-laws, but I will not be there. I know that my road will continue to be very complicated. But for now, I'm making it easy on myself, letting go of the FOG, and just celebrating my amazing little people.

Thanks to all of you for your support! It feels good to share a bit of a success story... .
       

[Furbaby Mom]

Thank you.  I needed to read this today.

I married into a family that had a significant history (divorces, mental health, infidelities, etc) My SIL 1 is diagnosed BPD, SIL 2 not but tendencies, and MIL not but tendencies.  I have been the object that all three of them hate because I "took" the one man they could count on.

Last year was the first year that SIL 1 and 2 were not invited to Christmas eve at FIL's house, but we paid them a visit before we went to FIL's house.  MIL was angry with us (she gets mad every year that we visit then leave to go to her ex's), SIL 1 SOBBED and SIL 2 ignored us.  Since then, there has been no contact from SIL 2 until she didn't get invited to my birthday in October and was "devastated."  SIL 1 usually keeps her cool with me, but we did hit some bumps in the road.  She destroyed her relationship with her dad and is very resentful that he is speaking with me and sees me.  The last month has been hell with stalking on social media, assuming pictures posted are directly about her, phone calls belittling us, etc.  It has been awful. 

I am feeling anxious about the holidays mainly because I never know what to expect other than to expect an overload of negative emotions.  Your post reminded me I do have a say.  I can choose to not want the drama right now.  They make it seem like/may feel it's a forever thing, but it does not have to be. 

I needed this.

[CollectedChaos]

Totally agree - the idea of being "home for the holidays" elicits anxiety in me, not happiness    I have been NC for a couple of years now, and I'm slowly learning what home means to me, or more accurately, what I want it to mean to me.  It has been freeing to realize that I get to create what home is now - it isn't dictated for me like it was when I was a kid. Sometimes I forget that it's okay to make that kind of choice - thank you for the reminder

Good for you in sticking to your NC boundaries and ensuring that you are able to enjoy your time with your family without any drama!  That's not always easy to do, especially around the holidays.