Mom with unBPD and TBI

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post here.   I am sorry it is so long.

I am a 38 year old daughter to a mother who has BPD like traits... .maybe NPD like traits.   (She is undiagnosed.)   I believe she would be classified as "high functioning" because she was always able to hold a job and get along in life.   My relationship with my mom has always been a mix of good and bad.  (The fact that it wasn't all bad is part of what makes things so hard for me.)  When my mom was "good", she was really good.   For example, she was a girl scout leader.  She sewed me outfits.   She would take me and my friends on bike rides when I was a kid.  When I was an adult, sometimes she would come over and help me decorate my house.   But there were lots of really bad moments mixed in.   Sometimes my mom has a tendency to get physical when she is angry or stressed.  It has taken me a long time to be able to admit to myself that I did suffer bits of physical abuse.   I remember one incident where I had to stay "hidden" from my friend's parents because of bruises she left on my face for example.   (In that particular moment, she got angry with me because I wouldn't stop crying so she punched me in the face pretty hard.)     However, I can get over the physical stuff.  The most hurtful memories I have center around emotional crap she put me through.   Just crazy, crazy moments.   My door being thrown open on a school night at 2AM so that she could rage at my for some small incident.   I always lived with a sick feeling of anxiousness and dread in my stomach.  The fear of not every knowing what to expect.   Would she be the good mother or the bad mother that hour?  You know?    She has this unique ability to take any "everyday" moment and turn it into chaos and drama.   She also always expected a lot from me as a kid.   She once made me miss school for a week as a kid so that I could "care for her" after she had knee surgery.  (She could care less about my education... .it was always about her... .you know?)   She was also a little "too open" with me if you know what I mean.   My father was an alcoholic and unfaithful to her.  She would often vent to me (when I was about 8 or 9) about all of my father's affairs and mistresses.  She would drag me into "sex shops" as a child so she could shop for stuff to keep my father "interested in her."  When I would complain that I didn't like to hear or go to those places, she would tell me that I shouldn't get so up tight.   (Crazy stuff like that.)   The police were often called to my house as a child because of crazy domestic stuff with my father and mother.  My father never touched her physically, but she would just start to rage and wouldn't calm down and he would call the police on her.    Later my father committed suicide (when I was 17) after the police left our house one night, and my mother told me that it was my fault.  She said that if I had done a better job of taking care of him that wouldn't have happened.    It sounds really bad when I type out those memories.   But I promise you there were lots of good moments mixed in.   

After my father passed away, she remarried.   The man she married is very emotionally abusive to her.   Like always, she is "too open" with me about her problems with her husband.   She calls me multiple, multiple, multiple times per day to vent about her husband.   This has been going on for 18 years!  (18 years!)   She goes into explicit detail about her sex life with him and all of the problems they have.   She accuses him of being gay because he isn't interested in her.  And she has all of these really paranoid illusions of things he is doing to sabotage her life.  (Example:  Once she couldn't get a webpage to load on her phone because of a slow connection. And she had to call me to say that her husband somehow did something to her phone to block her from being able to get to this particular webpage.  So she will call me WEEPING hysterically because this guy has "done" this to her.)   She also is overly open about her life problems with my three kids.   She will vent about all of her marital issues (including sex stuff) very loudly in front of my young kids.  (She has their ENTIRE life.)  She knows no boundaries.  None.   When people suggest setting boundaries with her, I can't help but laugh.   They just don't get what it is like to be around my mom.  It would be like trying to tell a hurricane not to blow to hard.  I know choosing to open my door to her, or answering the phone when she calls is like choosing to ride out the storm.  I just buckle down and brace myself... .you know?

Since her marriage, she has tried to divorce this guy twice.   Both of these attempted divorces have been very stressful on my family because I have to be her main support person.  The attempted divorces have put a lot of strain on my marriage.   They have caused my kids to shed a lot of tears, etc.   My husband and I had to sleep on our sofas because we didn't have enough room for her to live with us.  She would do crazy things like break things in our house and try to hide it.  She would decided to reorganize our kitchen or clothes closets to "help us" and move everything around.  (And if we dared get mad, we were ungrateful for her "help".)   She would talk on the phone really loudly and keep my kids up all night.  It just stunk.  But after dragging us through this divorce process (twice), she has chosen to stay married to him both times.   After the last time, I told her that I wouldn't help her get away from this man again.   (This man is NOT a good guy.  But my mom is also not an innocent in this situation.) 

She also engages in a lot of self destructive behavior.   She worked all her life and made good money.   However, her spending became increasingly out of control.   She took early withdrawals on her retirement and burned through the money so fast you wouldn't believe it.   She did crazy things like putting giant picture windows in her barn.   She bought a small house to fix up for fun.    But most of it was spent on these crazy shopping sprees that she would go on.  (And the shopping sprees and her overspending were somehow my fault too.)   For a few years, she would go to used toy stores and fill her SUV to the BRIM with toys for my kids.  This happened on a nearly daily basis.   I mean maybe 20 giant hefty bags full of toys and drop them off at my house without asking.   The amount of stuff she was buying was really crazy, and it caused a lot of work/stress on me as a young mother trying to sort and get rid of all of the stuff she was bringing in.    (And because they were toys, I had to deal with my kids getting upset when I would try to take some of the stuff out of the house.)   My husband is very understanding, but he was getting mad that my mom kept dumping stuff at our house.   I told her to stop over and over again, but (of course) setting a boundary with her was laughable.  She would get very angry with me and call me ungrateful for the stuff she was buying for my family.   If I didn't let her in, the stuff would be on my front porch.  And, later, when she was out of money, it was my fault.  She would brag and talk loudly to any person who would listen about how she "chose to give everything she ever had to her daughter and grandkids who never appreciated it".

She would also drink and drive a lot.  I mean, drink until she couldn't stand and was peeing her pants, and then try to drive around.   There were times when she showed up on my door step and woke up all of my kids to drop off "stuff for them" and she would be so wasted drunk you wouldn't even know it.   A few years ago, she invited me to the movies with her as a special valentine's day treat.  (Because every daughter wants to spend valentines day with her mother as opposed to her husband... .right?)   Well, in the middle of the movie, she got up and left to go to the bathroom.  She never came back, so I got up looking for her.   She was next door at the bar TOTALLY drunk.   I got mad that she left the movie theater without telling me.  Then she tried to drive me home.  I refused to get in the car with her and tried to stop her from driving.  we got in a big fight.   Later, she vented to everyone we know about how ungrateful I was that she took me to the movies and how I "freaked out over nothing".   

My mom was binge ate a lot.   Her weight started to cause a TON of health problems.  And those were also dumped on me too.  For example, all of the weight was making it very hard for her to walk.  So, the doctor suggested she have a double knee replacement.   I would get phone calls like, "I am having both my knees replaced on Tuesday next week.   I need you to be at the hospital."   If I happened to have an apt that day, I was a bad child who didn't care.  Then, without any  notice, I would have to be the one to take care of her because her husband wouldn't do it.  She would insist on coming to live with me.  She once went to a nursing home instead after one of her surgeries to recover.   She raged at the nurses and accused them of stealing her pain medication.   

Her driving was also very reckless... .and that leads me to where I am at today.

A few years ago, my mom was in a REALLY bad car accident.   I suspect that she might have been drinking and driving.   (She has no memory of the event, so she doesn't know.  But I do know she was leaving a restaurant with a friend she often drank with.)   Two witnesses went forth to police to testify about how fast she was driving.  (This was normal for her.)   She sustained many, many injuries.  She was in the ICU for a month.   She was in the hospital for almost a year.   She broke her spine in three places... .she shattered her leg.   But the worse thing that happened was that she had a very severe brain injury.

The brain injury has made her personality issues a lot worse.   She is disabled and has trouble getting around/walking.  She is really, really, really sad to be around.    She is unable to do certain self care things like keep her medication straight.  (And she goes CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY if she doesn't take her meds.)   She can't drive, but has about 10 doctors apts week on average to go to per day.   She lives out in the country so everything is a long drive.  (That makes it harder to get any services.)  Oh yea, and she also has no money.   Her "husband" has been taking her to these things, but they are still having marriage problems and the stress of the accident is not helping. 

The other night,  things got really bad.  She started raging because her husband was out drinking at the neighbors house and not calling her back.  She walked over there and caused a scene.   Then she locked him out of the house, so he had to get a ladder and climb in a second story window.   Then, he decided to dump all of her medication out and mix it up to "get her back."   (Drama, Drama, Drama folks.)   My mom called the sheriff department, and I had police knocking on my door at 2AM because they couldn't reach me on my phone.  They said that they couldn't get my mom to calm down and if I didn't come get her, they were going to arrest her because she wouldn't stop calling 911 on her husband.   I left and picked her up.  (Dreading it the whole time because I was inviting the hurricane in my house.)   As soon as the police told her that her daughter was coming, she immediatly gets happy and starts acting like she is packing for a vacation.   She is all smiley like, "Oh, what a wonderful time.  I get to visit my daughter." 

Now, my mom's husband wants nothing to do with her.   And everything is getting dumped on me.  She has NO money which complicates things.  She has no place to live.  She can't drive.  The TBI makes it hard for her to solve simple problems.     I guess I have to help her through another divorce (even though I said I wouldn't do it again).  (Which will take years.)   Even if I get her moved into some crummy assisted living place (because again, she has no money) that is not going to be a quick process... .and I guess she has to live with me in the meantime?  Oh yea, and she decided that now (a few days before Christmas) would be a good time to have reconstructive surgery on her ankle.   So she is now wheelchair bound for a few weeks... .because that is exactly what you do when you are getting ready to go through a messy divorce.   (Being sarcastic.)   Today she is recovering in a nursing facility that her insurance paid for.   She will be there until a few days after Christmas.

She has still been visiting with her psychiatrist and psychologist.  A few days ago she called me to say that her husband wrote them a letter saying that he suspects she has BPD.  (I have suspected this about my mom since I was in high school!  However, I have never mentioned this to my stepfather.   I do not talk to her husband or have any relationship with him.  So the fact that he saw this too was shocking to me.  Part of me always thought that I was imagining it because I was ungrateful like she always said.)  She called to vent about her husband and asked me straight out if I thought she has BPD.   I was very scared.  I usually don't talk much around my mom to avoid conflict/correcting her.  But I actually heard myself admitting to her that I have thought this for years.  This has brought up a flood of memories about my childhood.   I can't stop remembering crazy events.

I have been really stressed out lately about my mom.  I am an emotional MESS.  I am NOT sleeping because I am so stressed out.  I am having problems dealing emotionally with all of her drama.    I sleep for an hour and then I wake up and can't stop worrying about my mom and her issues.   (I think I have had two hours of sleep the past two days.)  I have been crying all morning because I have to call my mom today... .and I am just dreading it.  (I avoided calling her all yesterday because I couldn't deal... .and I have so many missed calls on my phone you wouldn't believe it.)   I am dreading having to go visit her Christmas day in the hospital.  (I feel horrible for thinking this way.)I also feel like I am ruining Christmas for my kids and husband because I can't cheer up.  Not sleeping is making me snippy with them... .so I worry I am becoming my mother. 

And mostly I am stressing out about the future.   What do I do with my mom after Christmas?   The fact that she has a TBI, no money/savings, no other support people makes things so much more complicated.   If I don't choose to step in, will she be homeless?   Living in some terrible place? 

[festinalente]

This is my first post here.   I am sorry it is so long.

I am a 38 year old daughter to a mother who has BPD like traits... .maybe NPD like traits.   (She is undiagnosed.)   I believe she would be classified as "high functioning" because she was always able to hold a job and get along in life.   My relationship with my mom has always been a mix of good and bad.  (The fact that it wasn't all bad is part of what makes things so hard for me.)  When my mom was "good", she was really good.   For example, she was a girl scout leader.  She sewed me outfits.   She would take me and my friends on bike rides when I was a kid.  When I was an adult, sometimes she would come over and help me decorate my house.   But there were lots of really bad moments mixed in.   Sometimes my mom has a tendency to get physical when she is angry or stressed.  It has taken me a long time to be able to admit to myself that I did suffer bits of physical abuse.   I remember one incident where I had to stay "hidden" from my friend's parents because of bruises she left on my face for example.   (In that particular moment, she got angry with me because I wouldn't stop crying so she punched me in the face pretty hard.)     However, I can get over the physical stuff.  The most hurtful memories I have center around emotional crap she put me through.   Just crazy, crazy moments.   My door being thrown open on a school night at 2AM so that she could rage at my for some small incident.   I always lived with a sick feeling of anxiousness and dread in my stomach.  The fear of not every knowing what to expect.   Would she be the good mother or the bad mother that hour?  You know?    She has this unique ability to take any "everyday" moment and turn it into chaos and drama.   She also always expected a lot from me as a kid.   She once made me miss school for a week as a kid so that I could "care for her" after she had knee surgery.  (She could care less about my education... .it was always about her... .you know?)   She was also a little "too open" with me if you know what I mean.   My father was an alcoholic and unfaithful to her.  She would often vent to me (when I was about 8 or 9) about all of my father's affairs and mistresses.  She would drag me into "sex shops" as a child so she could shop for stuff to keep my father "interested in her."  When I would complain that I didn't like to hear or go to those places, she would tell me that I shouldn't get so up tight.   (Crazy stuff like that.)   The police were often called to my house as a child because of crazy domestic stuff with my father and mother.  My father never touched her physically, but she would just start to rage and wouldn't calm down and he would call the police on her.    Later my father committed suicide (when I was 17) after the police left our house one night, and my mother told me that it was my fault.  She said that if I had done a better job of taking care of him that wouldn't have happened.    It sounds really bad when I type out those memories.   But I promise you there were lots of good moments mixed in.   

After my father passed away, she remarried.   The man she married is very emotionally abusive to her.   Like always, she is "too open" with me about her problems with her husband.   She calls me multiple, multiple, multiple times per day to vent about her husband.   This has been going on for 18 years!  (18 years!)   She goes into explicit detail about her sex life with him and all of the problems they have.   She accuses him of being gay because he isn't interested in her.  And she has all of these really paranoid illusions of things he is doing to sabotage her life.  (Example:  Once she couldn't get a webpage to load on her phone because of a slow connection. And she had to call me to say that her husband somehow did something to her phone to block her from being able to get to this particular webpage.  So she will call me WEEPING hysterically because this guy has "done" this to her.)   She also is overly open about her life problems with my three kids.   She will vent about all of her marital issues (including sex stuff) very loudly in front of my young kids.  (She has their ENTIRE life.)  She knows no boundaries.  None.   When people suggest setting boundaries with her, I can't help but laugh.   They just don't get what it is like to be around my mom.  It would be like trying to tell a hurricane not to blow to hard.  I know choosing to open my door to her, or answering the phone when she calls is like choosing to ride out the storm.  I just buckle down and brace myself... .you know?

Since her marriage, she has tried to divorce this guy twice.   Both of these attempted divorces have been very stressful on my family because I have to be her main support person.  The attempted divorces have put a lot of strain on my marriage.   They have caused my kids to shed a lot of tears, etc.   My husband and I had to sleep on our sofas because we didn't have enough room for her to live with us.  She would do crazy things like break things in our house and try to hide it.  She would decided to reorganize our kitchen or clothes closets to "help us" and move everything around.  (And if we dared get mad, we were ungrateful for her "help".)   She would talk on the phone really loudly and keep my kids up all night.  It just stunk.  But after dragging us through this divorce process (twice), she has chosen to stay married to him both times.   After the last time, I told her that I wouldn't help her get away from this man again.   (This man is NOT a good guy.  But my mom is also not an innocent in this situation.) 

She also engages in a lot of self destructive behavior.   She worked all her life and made good money.   However, her spending became increasingly out of control.   She took early withdrawals on her retirement and burned through the money so fast you wouldn't believe it.   She did crazy things like putting giant picture windows in her barn.   She bought a small house to fix up for fun.    But most of it was spent on these crazy shopping sprees that she would go on.  (And the shopping sprees and her overspending were somehow my fault too.)   For a few years, she would go to used toy stores and fill her SUV to the BRIM with toys for my kids.  This happened on a nearly daily basis.   I mean maybe 20 giant hefty bags full of toys and drop them off at my house without asking.   The amount of stuff she was buying was really crazy, and it caused a lot of work/stress on me as a young mother trying to sort and get rid of all of the stuff she was bringing in.    (And because they were toys, I had to deal with my kids getting upset when I would try to take some of the stuff out of the house.)   My husband is very understanding, but he was getting mad that my mom kept dumping stuff at our house.   I told her to stop over and over again, but (of course) setting a boundary with her was laughable.  She would get very angry with me and call me ungrateful for the stuff she was buying for my family.   If I didn't let her in, the stuff would be on my front porch.  And, later, when she was out of money, it was my fault.  She would brag and talk loudly to any person who would listen about how she "chose to give everything she ever had to her daughter and grandkids who never appreciated it".

She would also drink and drive a lot.  I mean, drink until she couldn't stand and was peeing her pants, and then try to drive around.   There were times when she showed up on my door step and woke up all of my kids to drop off "stuff for them" and she would be so wasted drunk you wouldn't even know it.   A few years ago, she invited me to the movies with her as a special valentine's day treat.  (Because every daughter wants to spend valentines day with her mother as opposed to her husband... .right?)   Well, in the middle of the movie, she got up and left to go to the bathroom.  She never came back, so I got up looking for her.   She was next door at the bar TOTALLY drunk.   I got mad that she left the movie theater without telling me.  Then she tried to drive me home.  I refused to get in the car with her and tried to stop her from driving.  we got in a big fight.   Later, she vented to everyone we know about how ungrateful I was that she took me to the movies and how I "freaked out over nothing".   

My mom was binge ate a lot.   Her weight started to cause a TON of health problems.  And those were also dumped on me too.  For example, all of the weight was making it very hard for her to walk.  So, the doctor suggested she have a double knee replacement.   I would get phone calls like, "I am having both my knees replaced on Tuesday next week.   I need you to be at the hospital."   If I happened to have an apt that day, I was a bad child who didn't care.  Then, without any  notice, I would have to be the one to take care of her because her husband wouldn't do it.  She would insist on coming to live with me.  She once went to a nursing home instead after one of her surgeries to recover.   She raged at the nurses and accused them of stealing her pain medication.   

Her driving was also very reckless... .and that leads me to where I am at today.

A few years ago, my mom was in a REALLY bad car accident.   I suspect that she might have been drinking and driving.   (She has no memory of the event, so she doesn't know.  But I do know she was leaving a restaurant with a friend she often drank with.)   Two witnesses went forth to police to testify about how fast she was driving.  (This was normal for her.)   She sustained many, many injuries.  She was in the ICU for a month.   She was in the hospital for almost a year.   She broke her spine in three places... .she shattered her leg.   But the worse thing that happened was that she had a very severe brain injury.

The brain injury has made her personality issues a lot worse.   She is disabled and has trouble getting around/walking.  She is really, really, really sad to be around.    She is unable to do certain self care things like keep her medication straight.  (And she goes CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY if she doesn't take her meds.)   She can't drive, but has about 10 doctors apts week on average to go to per day.   She lives out in the country so everything is a long drive.  (That makes it harder to get any services.)  Oh yea, and she also has no money.   Her "husband" has been taking her to these things, but they are still having marriage problems and the stress of the accident is not helping. 

The other night,  things got really bad.  She started raging because her husband was out drinking at the neighbors house and not calling her back.  She walked over there and caused a scene.   Then she locked him out of the house, so he had to get a ladder and climb in a second story window.   Then, he decided to dump all of her medication out and mix it up to "get her back."   (Drama, Drama, Drama folks.)   My mom called the sheriff department, and I had police knocking on my door at 2AM because they couldn't reach me on my phone.  They said that they couldn't get my mom to calm down and if I didn't come get her, they were going to arrest her because she wouldn't stop calling 911 on her husband.   I left and picked her up.  (Dreading it the whole time because I was inviting the hurricane in my house.)   As soon as the police told her that her daughter was coming, she immediatly gets happy and starts acting like she is packing for a vacation.   She is all smiley like, "Oh, what a wonderful time.  I get to visit my daughter." 

Now, my mom's husband wants nothing to do with her.   And everything is getting dumped on me.  She has NO money which complicates things.  She has no place to live.  She can't drive.  The TBI makes it hard for her to solve simple problems.     I guess I have to help her through another divorce (even though I said I wouldn't do it again).  (Which will take years.)   Even if I get her moved into some crummy assisted living place (because again, she has no money) that is not going to be a quick process... .and I guess she has to live with me in the meantime?  Oh yea, and she decided that now (a few days before Christmas) would be a good time to have reconstructive surgery on her ankle.   So she is now wheelchair bound for a few weeks... .because that is exactly what you do when you are getting ready to go through a messy divorce.   (Being sarcastic.)   Today she is recovering in a nursing facility that her insurance paid for.   She will be there until a few days after Christmas.

She has still been visiting with her psychiatrist and psychologist.  A few days ago she called me to say that her husband wrote them a letter saying that he suspects she has BPD.  (I have suspected this about my mom since I was in high school!  However, I have never mentioned this to my stepfather.   I do not talk to her husband or have any relationship with him.  So the fact that he saw this too was shocking to me.  Part of me always thought that I was imagining it because I was ungrateful like she always said.)  She called to vent about her husband and asked me straight out if I thought she has BPD.   I was very scared.  I usually don't talk much around my mom to avoid conflict/correcting her.  But I actually heard myself admitting to her that I have thought this for years.  This has brought up a flood of memories about my childhood.   I can't stop remembering crazy events.

I have been really stressed out lately about my mom.  I am an emotional MESS.  I am NOT sleeping because I am so stressed out.  I am having problems dealing emotionally with all of her drama.    I sleep for an hour and then I wake up and can't stop worrying about my mom and her issues.   (I think I have had two hours of sleep the past two days.)  I have been crying all morning because I have to call my mom today... .and I am just dreading it.  (I avoided calling her all yesterday because I couldn't deal... .and I have so many missed calls on my phone you wouldn't believe it.)   I am dreading having to go visit her Christmas day in the hospital.  (I feel horrible for thinking this way.)I also feel like I am ruining Christmas for my kids and husband because I can't cheer up.  Not sleeping is making me snippy with them... .so I worry I am becoming my mother. 

And mostly I am stressing out about the future.   What do I do with my mom after Christmas?   The fact that she has a TBI, no money/savings, no other support people makes things so much more complicated.   If I don't choose to step in, will she be homeless?   Living in some terrible place? 

[Harri]

Hi there.  You sure have a lot going on and a lot to be concerned about.  The good news is you found a place (here) where people understand and can support you as you work your way through things. 

The first thing I want to say is that there is no good mother/bad mother.  The good parts and the bad parts are in one person and you can't have one without the other.  Thinking of our moms as good *or* bad only makes it more difficult to identify abuse.  Bits of physical abuse?  Ummm... .no.  Physical abuse. 

I agree that emotional abuse is the worse kind.  Certainly the hardest to identify and label and even harder to assess the long term damage.  Her telling you you were responsible for your father committing suicide is cruel and a lie.  Have you heard of projection?  Chances are she felt guilty for her actions and instead of examining them and owning them she projected them onto you.

When you have time, search this site for info on projection.  It is a defense mechanism that mentally ill people will use so that they do not have to take responsibility or own their own actions. 

A lot of people with BPD (and other disorders) do not have boundaries and will continually violate ours.  The good news is that boundaries are for us to enact and enforce and the person with BPD does not need to comply at all.  So when your mother starts over-sharing about sex, you say "I do not want to hear this".  If she continues to talk about it, hang up, walk away tell her to leave.  Do not expect her to respect your wishes.  She can't/won't.

Boundaries are not about telling a person what you will or won't accept in terms of their behavior, not really.  They are about identifying our values and then taking action to enforce those boundaries.  You can have rules around your boundary that you say to your mom like "this topic is not appropriate to discuss with my children" but your boundary is "I will not let her talk about sex with my kids" and your action to enforce your boundary is to (again) hang up, walk away, tell her to leave.  Say NO!

This is hard to do for a number of reasons.  For one, it is hard to say no after a lifetime of being programmed to allow her to violate your boundaires.  heck, you may not even know what boundaries are or how they work.  Totally normal after the childhood we have had.  another reason it is hard is because the pwBPD will often get angry and again we have learned to act in ways that try to keep them calm.  Additionally, once you start changing your behaviors like enforcing boundaries, the pwBPD will increase or ramp up their antics.  This makes it vital for you to stand firm and maintain your boundaries consistently.  If you only enforce them sometimes or back down at the first sign of anger, you just gave her intermittent reinforcement which will just strengthen her bad behavior.

Okay, I do not want to write more of a book.  There is lots more to talk about and discuss.

I will end by saying you are in no way obligated to caretake your mother.  There are social services that she may qualify for and she is still married.  Let her convalesce in a nursing home.  They are equipped to help her far better than you.  Also, they have social workers on staff who can help her find a place to live and hook her up with any other services she may qualify for given her financial situation.  Make it clear with them that she can not live with you.

This is a lot to deal with so please respond only when you feel up to it.

peace.

[No-One]

Festinalente:
I'm so very sorry about  the situation with your mom.  Your first priority has to be with your husband, your marriage and the welfare of your children.   

I agree with what Harri stated about social services.  Get in touch with a social worker.  Some extended care facilities have a social worker on staff, who can be a go between with whatever governmental social services you need to contact.

It would be best to not bring your mom to your home.  You can't rescue her.  You need to take care of yourself and your family.  It could be valuable for you to seek some counseling for yourself, to help support you through the days ahead.  Identifying and enforcing your personal healthy boundaries for you and your family will be important. A therapist could help you with this.

You might want to not visit your mom on Christmas.  Perhaps call her and indicate you don't feel well. (If she presses you, perhaps say you might be contagious with a virus)  Do what you can to keep her out of your home.  If adult protective services gets involved, they might be able to find a place for her to stay.  She might end up staying at the current facility for a few extra days, and then be placed somewhere else.

This has to be very hard for you.  The harsh reality is that you will never please your mom, no matter how much you try to comply with her wishes.  You can't fix your mom.  You need to take measures to to take care of yourself and your family.

Best wishes.

[festinalente]

First, I want to thank you for those that took the time to reply.     I was in a bad place when I first wrote that thread above... .and I just wanted to thank you SO much for taking the time to reply.   Especially considering this was so close to Christmas. 

Your words were very helpful.   I've been thinking about what you wrote about boundaries and I came to a realization that I am VERY, VERY scared to tell my mom anything that she won't like.   Since I was a tiny kid, I have learned to avoid confrontation at all costs.  I have learned how to act so that I can sneak under my mom's radar and avoid her wrath.  I am the one who is fearful of setting boundaries with her.   

I honestly don't know if I can become brave enough to set boundaries.   Sometimes I fantasize about changing my number and email so she can't call me so much.   (And then I feel like a horrible person for thinking that way because she is my mom and she is so pathetic right now with all of her injuries.)   I try to treat other people how I would want to be treated.   I know my mom probably has a mental illness... .and now a brain injury... .and I am sure she is doing the best she can (even though that often falls short of my expectations.)   I am a Christian, so I wonder what is the right thing to do with my mom considering our relationship is so complicated.   How do I honor my mom in these situations? 

About once per week, I get wrapped up in some emergency with my mom.   All I long for is some stability and to get a break from the drama/stress.   I know that is probably selfish of me.  Each time I have NO IDEA how to respond to my mom

My mom is set to get out of the nursing rehab center on 12/28.   She is supposed to head back to her home where she lives with my step dad.  (They are still planning a divorce... .maybe... .I guess?   Even though she says she is trying to patch things up with him and he visited her many times while in the hospital.  Anyways, their marriage is not very stable.)   

My mom just sent me a text message letting me know that my step father has planned a vacation in January when she is supposed to be returning home.  She will be home by herself for a week.   She did not ask for any help.   (That is her new strategy.  Make me feel guilty and see if I offer to help.)

I'm not sure how to reply to her text.   The fact that she is disabled makes things so much more complicated because she is so, so pathetic and helpless. 

Here is the situation... .
My mom: 
1)  Can't drive due to TBI,
2)  has very little money,
3)  lives far from the city so it is hard to find her social services to drive her places,
4)  just had ankle surgery and is non-weightbearing and confined to wheel chair.  (She can't use crutches or walker due to limited upper body strength.) 
5) sometimes forgets to take her meds which makes her get really crazy
6)  has horrible anxiety (TBI has made this worse),
7) has a gigantic hyper active german shepherd that jumps all over the place and will knock her down... .and she is supposed to let the dog out by herself while her husband leaves.  (?)
8) She has undiagnosed BPD with a TBI.  So she is prone to having rages and outbursts when she is stressed out. 
9)  My mom has problems solving simple problems with her TBI... .Like knowing places to call when she needs help.
10) she is in a really bad marriage and sometimes her husband does things to mess with her.  The last time he went out of town, he purposely didn't refill her oil tanks for fuel so her heat went out.  Another time, he didn't refil her prescriptions so she went crazy while she was living with us.

I am an only child.  My mom has two siblings, but they want next to nothing to do with her.   I live about 30 minutes from her.   I am a stay at home mama to 3 children.  (My oldest two are homeschooled by me.   So I have a responsibility for their education during the day.)  My mom is wrapping me up with her drama nearly every week.  It isn't like I can just solve this "vacation" issue and things will be fixed for awhile... .I get caught up in some huge drama nearly every week.   

I am having a VERY, VERY hard time setting boundaries and dealing with guilt.   However, I am *this* close to cutting her out of my life completely.  (She has no idea I feel this way because I am so programed to avoid confrontation.  I don't tell her anything she doesn't want to hear, and instead avoid her.)   

I've been trying to work up the courage to call and talk to a therapist about my mom.   I need some type of moral compass to tell me what to do next with her.   I asked my husband, but he just said he honestly didn't know how to handle things.  Sigh.   

[CollectedChaos]

Welcome, festinalente!

So many things from your posts have resonated with me.  I do want to echo Harri's sentiment about your comments on the bits of abuse.  I looked at it this way too - my mom did good things (she was also a girl scout leader, participated in school events, etc.  Looking back on this I see now that she did it for attention from other parents/teachers more than caring for our well-being, but that's another story for another day... .), so those bad things seemed less bad.  However, abuse is abuse, regardless of the amount you receive.  We don't deserve any abuse... .even a little is too much.  It's hard to reframe that in your mind, I know it was for me at least. 

Setting boundaries is HARD!  I totally relate to how afraid you are feeling right now.  Setting them with my own uBPD mom was incredibly difficult, and caused a lot of panic attacks on my end.  However, after you set them, and you are able to keep them (for me it took a few tries), you start to see that you are indeed capable of setting them and it does get easier to manage.  You also see how much better you begin to feel when you aren't too busy taking on all of the issues your mother currently faces as your own.  SHE has put herself in this position, not you.  You are her child, not the other way around - it's not your job to parent her and protect her (although I know it feels as though it is your job).  It's definitely a programmed feeling in us with BPD family - protecting them and doing as they wish is far less dramatic and painful than going against the grain.  However, now that we're adults and have our own lives (as children are supposed to do when they become adults), these coping mechanisms of keeping the peace are no longer healthy or beneficial to us.  We did what we had to do to get through as kids, but those behaviors start to create issues as adults as we try to be ourselves instead of an entity of our parent. 

I definitely encourage you to find a therapist - mine has been tremendously helpful in working through the FOG and understanding what is healthy family behavior and what simply isn't.  It also helped me feel more confident in my boundaries and decisions. 

I also agree with the comments made by others about social services - there are lots of ways your mom can get the care she needs that don't involve you providing it.  If bringing her to your home is causing this much anxiety, that's a big red flag that you just shouldn't do that to yourself, for your own mental health.  Just because you've been the caretaker up until this point doesn't mean you are under any obligation to continue that trend.  Put yourself, and your family, first this time   

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this.  My thoughts will be with you in the coming days and weeks.  Hang in there