Problems with BPD sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

 I am a 65 year old woman whose same sex partner of 30 years died on January this year. I had been her full time carer for 3.5 years following her having a heart attack and stroke. After my partner's death I developed a panic disorder which left me unable to care for my animals or to function normally.
I was estranged from my 6 years younger sister due to her very destructive behaviour and abuse of myself and other family members. She resurfaced at this time and provided assistance. Initially it was ok but after about 4 weeks she became abusive again. She calls me names, behaves in a physically threatening manner and blames me for everything that is dysfunctional in our family. She goes from ok to a raging monster in the space of seconds. She has stolen and/or extorted money from other family members snd physically threatened people. She told me years ago that she had been diagnosed with BPD but now denies that. She seems like a textbook case. In addition to the panic disorder, which I am managing with medication and psychological consults, a psychiatrist considers I have a Complicated Grief Reaction. I am very grateful for the help my sister has provided, but it seems that all my emotional energy is being hijacked. I have told my sister that I cannot cope with her rages and I have left when they start. I need to create some distance but when I try I am accused of not needing her any more. She tries to manipulate me into doing her housework and shopping. Is there a way to disengage without hurting her?




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[maisiegirl]

 I am a 65 year old woman whose same sex partner of 30 years died on January this year. I had been her full time carer for 3.5 years following her having a heart attack and stroke. After my partner's death I developed a panic disorder which left me unable to care for my animals or to function normally.
I was estranged from my 6 years younger sister due to her very destructive behaviour and abuse of myself and other family members. She resurfaced at this time and provided assistance. Initially it was ok but after about 4 weeks she became abusive again. She calls me names, behaves in a physically threatening manner and blames me for everything that is dysfunctional in our family. She goes from ok to a raging monster in the space of seconds. She has stolen and/or extorted money from other family members snd physically threatened people. She told me years ago that she had been diagnosed with BPD but now denies that. She seems like a textbook case. In addition to the panic disorder, which I am managing with medication and psychological consults, a psychiatrist considers I have a Complicated Grief Reaction. I am very grateful for the help my sister has provided, but it seems that all my emotional energy is being hijacked. I have told my sister that I cannot cope with her rages and I have left when they start. I need to create some distance but when I try I am accused of not needing her any more. She tries to manipulate me into doing her housework and shopping. Is there a way to disengage without hurting her?




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[HappyChappy]

Hi Maisiegirl,
 
I’m so sorry to hear about your partner. It must be very difficult for you just dealing with the grief, let alone a BPD sister.

Someone with BPD will hone in on you if you are at a low point, their techniques work far better if you are in a weekend state. In terms of creating distance without pain, firstly you need to accept that the biggest fear someone with BPD has is abandonment. So all you can do is minimise things. Fading to grey is one technique, where you do not make a formal announcement, but little by little you put boundaries in place. So for example, get someone use to you never picking up the phone to them, in stead calling back. Maybe then moving them over to e-mail. E-mails are also the most restrictive medium for someone with BPD, as they can not deny what is written, and its harder to play emotions just on a text.  My sister developed a medical condition that was never diagnosed, but meant she had to prepare her own food, so could never stop for a meal, as a way of limiting how long she spent without our BPD.

The Grief council they suggested sounds like a good move. You are right to focus on yourself, rather than your BPD sister. Sounds like your need is greater, but she will never see it that way. My BPD would ignore illness and disabilities or pretty much any excuse that got between her and what she wanted. She would brush it aside calling it fake news. You had to present her with a fate de complete, like you didn’t answer your phone because it was broken (again). So start putting those boundaries up, little by little. But a BPD will come at any boundary like the big bad wolf and try and blow them down, but feel free to use this forum for moral support when that happens.
   

[maisiegirl]

Hello HappyChappy
Thank you for your advice.
One of my sister's triggers is having multiple family members together. My sister was "off the scale" last week and in particular stirred up trouble with my nephew and his partner, who were hosting dinner. They have also been at the receiving end of my sister's wrath.
I declined to attend the Christmas dinner with my sister. She has made a scene in the past.
I explained that I needed to take of myself and avoid unnecessary conflict. I said that I was happy to see her in less tense situations. I exchanged gifts with her on Christmas eve. My sister sent abusive texts all day and through the evening which I did not respond to except to reiterate the original message. One of her messages was that she preferred me when I was having panic attacks because I would listen to her then!
I suspect I will have to totally break off contact. This has been the pattern in the past after she hit my partner, blitzed my mobile and work numbers with abuse and stole from our mother.
Thank you again. Just knowing others are in the same situation is reassuring.

Kind regards
maisiegirl



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[Pina colada]

maisiegirl, I am sorry for the loss of your partner.  That must be hard for you on top of dealing with your BPD sister.  My sister is dBPD and denies into too.  She is almost 8 years older than I.  She is in her mid sixties.  I just want you know you are not alone with a disordered sister, many here are going through similar things.  I have been on and off in contact with her.  She cut me off last week after asking me why I blocked her (another story) but did not block a romantic interest... .I was grocery shopping.  I was in a public store, I told her it was different but quite honestly know I can't tell her the truth.  That triggered her, cut me off after sending me several very long texts which I chose not to read.  I did see last one which said she blocked me... .While it hurts at first I feel it is for the best.  I had to weigh the "price" of being in touch with my disordered sister versus the peace I get when she is not there.  My family knows how "crazy" she is too.  They encourage me to cease contact and sometimes we must make that hard decision.  I hope you do what you have to do for yourself.  Please keep us posted... .

[maisiegirl]

I have posted previously about my BPD sister. I reconnected with her after the death of my partner. I developed a severe psychiatric reaction to my partner's death and my sister "appeared" back in my life. Things have been chaotic ever since. My sister's constant criýticism and abuse have not helped my recovery. I am now seeing a psychiatrist weekly in addition to being on medication.
My psychiatrist does not think I will be able to set boundaries with my sister. He believes that it would be healthier to cease contact with her. I have done this in the past for my own survival. It is hard for me to do that again.
Recently my sister's destructive behaviour has escalated towards another "target", her adult son. She became enraged and repeatedly punched him while he was holding his 8 month old son. She was screaming the neighbourhood down and the police were called. My sister is now playing the victim over the incident and lying to others about what occurred.
How do I disengage without being brutal? I have tried a gradual withdrawal but my sister has responded with more abuse and says I "owe" her.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Kind regards
maisiegirl

[HappyChappy]

This must be awfull for you right now. I think you are right to follow the advice of your psychiatrist. I know this must be very difficult for you, I know when I'm at a low ebb, its extremely hard for me to put up barriers with my BPD. Hence why NC has its place.

Your options for going NC are to either fade to grey or stonewall. Problem is, a BPD needs narcisstic supply, so if your sister doesn't have any other source currently, she will beat down the door of the most likely source.  If she senses you are week in any way, that will encourage her. A bit like punching someone holding an 8 month old child, a BPD is a predator. The fact she knows you well will also encourage her.

I went NC after my BPD NPD combo had over stepped the mark(big time). They they threw everything at me, and I was ill at the time. But after a while they gave up. Had they not overstepped the mark and had I been well enough, I think I would have faded to grey. You are between a hard place and a rock, but its only for a short period of time. What is the worst thing that could happen here ? Has your sister done anything particularly bad historically ? Or is it just a question of weathering a bunch of verbal abuse, that you would get anyway if you stayed ? If you're not going to see her much, do you care what she thinks ?

[Panda39]

Emotional and verbal abuse is bad enough... .now she has upped it to physical abuse.  Definitely, time for some boundaries here.

Boundaries are not about punishing your sister they are about protecting you.  If the person in your life engaging in these behaviors wasn't your sister what would you do?  You would create boundaries, could be limiting time with this person, could be taking a break from this person, could be seeing this person in public places where they are on their best behavior, could be limiting contact to phone calls or email, could be if things escalate you leave etc.

One thing about setting boundaries is that things can get worse before they get better... .Extinction Burst.

More on Extinction Bursts... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I want to share my own simplified analogy on boundaries... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up. Giving up doesn't mean that they won't test the boundary again the next time they go to the store.  The key is to enforce your boundary and be consistent.

At some point you need to put your own well-being ahead of your sister.  This is not being uncaring or selfish... .this is self care.  You can not support her or anyone else if you don't take care of yourself.  Think about the oxygen demonstration on an airplane.  They tell you to put your own mask on before putting one on your children.  Why, because you can't help yourself or your child if you are unconscious.

I hope you will look at putting yourself first, we can certainly work with you on coming up with boundaries that can work for you.

Take Care,
Panda39