How to stop “pushing”

[5xFive]

Can anyone give me some advice, (something to say to myself perhaps) when communicating with uBPDh to keep myself from saying the same thing more than once? Or from trying to convince him to do things my way?
I believe this pushing of mine triggers him. I’m nervous about tomorrow, we’re all going to be home and he doesn’t have anything to smoke, so he’s already mad at me that he ran out. It’s a long story but bottom line, he’s asked me for years to hide some from him and I didn’t this time. Now he’s out and we can’t get any until Tues.
I’m terrified I’m going to make his bad mood worse and ruin Christmas for my kids.
Any advice is appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hope2727]

Have you read the lesson on SET? Sympathy empathy truth?

Better to read the lesson as it explains it better than I can but essential it goes kind of like this.

S-yes its frustrating to be out
yes I know it sucks
yes its hard to withdraw
yes it makes you stressed

E- I'd be stressed too
I would feel frustrated being out at a stressful time too

etc etc

T- unreality you knew that christmas was this week and should have stocked up

I avoid the T part unless absolutely necessary

[No-One]

Have you read the lesson on SET? Sympathy empathy truth?

SET stand for: Support (not sympathy), Empathy & Truth.  I tend to have the same mental block with confusing what the "S" stands for.  The link to the SET workshop is below:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

[hope2727]

SET stand for: Support (not sympathy), Empathy & Truth.  I tend to have the same mental block with confusing what the "S" stands for.  The link to the SET workshop is below:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Thanks for the correction. Mental blip moment. I always think of it the other way but support makes much more sense. Cheers.

[Tattered Heart]

I will sometimes ask him to repeat back to me what he heard just so I know that he was listening. And it also lets me know how he interpreted.

I do a lot of self talk though. I say things to myself like: ":)on't JADE." or ":)on't nag him. He knows what he is supposed to do already." I also remind myself that he has the right to say no to my requests.

When my H is out of weed I also remind myself that his brain is now functioning without it so slight behavior changes in him will occur.

Is it really your responsibility to hide weed for him? Or is it his responsibility? Could you be enabling him in this area? Once he re-ups what would happen if you told him "I know it's hard on you when you run out of weed. I do not want to be blamed when you run out. I'm not going to hide it for you anymore. I believe you can figure out a way to make it last on your own."

A few weeks ago I had to have a similar conversation with my H. He would buy his weed, smoke it up within a week, and then got into the habit of just going and buying more. It was costing us about $500/mo. We had some big expenses so we had to cut back on extra spending. When he ran out, I let him know that the money needed to go to home improvements and he would just have to live without it for a week. He obliged and the next time he had $ to go get more, he figured out a way to make it last through the full 2 weeks. The stress of not having it helped him come up with his own answer. It's amazing how sometimes our pwBPD can figure thigns out on their own just by having to come up with their own solutions.

[5xFive]

Thank you all. SET sometimes works with my husband, but more often, I empathize with the wrong feeling or idea and when I get to truth, he takes it as a passive aggressive attack and it makes matters worse. I’ve tried active listening but he gets so mad when he has to repeat himself. Even me repeating what he says falls into this category. This is a skill that has not yet worked for me, though I do still try. Mostly, keeping silent and letting him vent, and agreeing with everything he says even if it’s stupid is what calms him down. Sometimes I can’t do this either. This is my own stuff- I can’t stand stupid, and especially from my normally genius level intelligent spouse. It’s like he loses half his IQ when he dysregulates.
I do realize that I am enabling him by putting some away. It is something that he feels helps him and it’s normally such a little thing. But a lot was going on the other day and he’s been painting me black more often. It was a bad day and I practically threw the stuff at him, just NEEDING him to smoke, selfishly. Before I learned about BPD, I used to think that he only loved me when he was high. I still sometimes think that or maybe it’s so ingrained for feeling that way for so long. But the fact is that he is really depressed (but refuses to do anything about it) and when he has something to smoke, he’s high functioning. When he’s out? He’s like a child in the middle of a temper tantrum. Is it the BPD or the smoke? His brain chemistry? Idk but I wish we lived somewhere so that he could get a medical card.
My
Question wasn’t about him being out though. I can handle him complaining about this- it’s true, he is out. Also true, he thought I would put something away and I didn’t. True that it’s a holiday and he’s on vacation and only knows how to relax when he smokes. All of this is true and so I know I can keep from
Jadeing... .my issue, and the reason we argue, is because I PUSH.
For example: he has a bad neck and wants me to rub it almost all the time. I don’t need to rub it all the time, but it’s one thing that relaxes him and he doesn’t really say no to. When he dysregulates, he self-sabotages. EVERY. TIME. So he will tell me not to touch him. Ok no problem. But then I’m in trouble for only respecting his wishes when it hurts him and I should know. Ok so I’ll rub. Now he’s mad bc he’s not my “after the fact”. Ok so I won’t rub. Now I’m just trying to hurt him. Ok so I’ll rub. No! Don’t touch him. Argh. Eventually- please rub. This exact scenario has played out so many times over the last 17 years. I think I’m tired of it bc I find myself pushing to rub. Saying: you know you want me to (ugh), just stop acting like this and let me rub your neck. Lol. I know it’s invalidating and I don’t ever see it until he’s screaming. This is the kind of pushing I do.
Or he’ll walk away from me and I’ll have 50 things to say and I’ll follow him around just trying to be HEARD. But he sees it as pushing. These are the times I need like a personal mantra or something to stop myself from saying anything. Mental mouth zipper or something.

P.s. tattered: Idk why, maybe from almost 2 decades of the same
Problem, but i do not see h making it through until an agreed upon date without picking up again. I honestly think the longest he’s ever gone without smoking was 3 days, when we couldn’t find anything. Except for the time that he quit while he was job hunting (that was a nightmare quarter year). I always have to keep enough in the bank for one extra just in case pickup. Even if we can’t afford it.

[5xFive]

I guess I failed. Several hours short of getting his stuff and he packed all of his clothes and left again. That’s the 3rd time this week. Of course it’s all my fault. I felt like he was trying to start an argument and I refused to argue. I must have stirred up his sense of abandonment because I went into the other room when he had been silent for about 2 mins. I did tell him what I was doing but I guess I was supposed to sit there and wait for him to talk some more. So he screamed and yelled and threw stuff and packed his stuff and left. He’s been texting me since he was gone. I have been trying to validate, I have not been jadeing. Hopefully he will come home.