sudden loss and diagnosed after almost 4 years

[jo19854]

My (x)wife left 4 years ago when i was at work, i found a note when i came home, she left the country. I have never heard from her ever. No reason, no explanation, total desertion and discard. She did this after a year of chemo, i helped her with everything, carrying her up the stairs, tucking her in, doing Household while i had a job with responsebility for more than 300 people. For who is interested in the background you can read my profile.
Additional; My daughter immigrated  a few months later and i have seen her only once beginning 2017, my best friend i knew for 50 years died suddenly, my mother has agressive Alzheimer and hardly knows me and lives in a closed facility, my father is near the end of his life, not able to deal with the problems of my mother he now drinks himself to death, blackouts, falling, hallucinations etc.
The very complicated divorce proceedings were hard because i didnt want to, I had to do it to protect myself. It took me two years before I was able to sign the papers.
I found a new equal job and i am thanking my god every day for it. It saved my life, literally. I can deal with every aspect written above but not with my wife being gone and her silence.

Almost four years of fighting against myself,  "regular therapists" didn’t help.
Time is doing its work a bit, but some things are getting worse and the lows are soo low. Shaking, disorientation, numb.
In the last half year i visited one of the best Therapists i could find.
He is advisor of the team that helps the family of victims of  flight MH-17, he is involved in updates for the DSM-manual, and writes many articles, recently he was published in the British Medical Journal.

Considering my background he was willing to help me. He told me he needed to know everything about me before he would start treatment. Now treatment starts in January.
I received my formal diagnoses this week; “Persistent Complex Grief Disorder (related = Complicated Grief)” and “PTSD”.

It is not only the moment I found the note. Beside the leaving it’s the years of hoping, disbelief and waiting for a sign. After all when will you know you won’t hear anymore.
For me it’s like dealing with suicide and dissaperance from the one I loved more than anyone else.
I don’t wish it for her, but if I would have found her dead it would have been easier for me, at least you know what happened and you can say goodbye, bring flowers to her grave.

As my T writes; “to deal with this sudden bizarre and traumatic loss” he will aim for;
-   Helping to cope with the loss
-   Learning to live with the uncertainties
-   Reducing intense sadness, preoccupation and reliving experiences
-   Try to find pleasure from daily activities

 
My T’s plan is to go for Exposure therapy, CBT and considering EMDR for certain events like the wedding day, the day I found that note and the moment I sat beside her bed when she nearly died in 2010.
I never broke down in all the years of my life. But this one is a bridge too far for me.

If someone is in shock, disbelief and grief for more than a year, please go in depth of Complicated Grief, don’t be fooled by association with bereavement, it’s just as well applicable  to a sudden shocking loss in another way than death. Being left by a borderline and the aftermath for the non's isn’t just something that is researched a lot.

Hope it helps for others on this board.

Jo

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jo,

Thank you so much for posting about this.  I'm so very relieved, as I'm sure you are, that you have come to the end of your assessment by this T and received a diagnosis and plan now.  That's wonderful news to see what he has lined up for you.  How do you feel about receiving this?  I'm hopeful that it has helped you a little to know that there is an explainable cause for your pain and struggle, and that there is a firm plan in place in order to help you to overcome it.  Wishing you every success with your treatment and looking forward to seeing your posts about how you're doing in your recovery.

Love and light x 

[itgetsbetter94]

Jo, you're in the best possible hands now. I'm impressed by the qualifications of your T and your opportunity to be treated by such an excellent expert. This quite literally might be the best help available. This is your silver lining in your pain.

I have a very similar life story as my T. It helps me so much to be treated by someone who is not only the professional, but who has lived through your experience. It gives that much weight to her words. When she says that everything will be allright and that this too shall pass, I REALLY do believe her.

Good T is worth a treasure in situations like these. I will search more about complicated grief.

Please, do share some insights when the therapy starts. I'm sure we will all here benefit from your knowledge.