Christmas - love it AND hate it

[todayistheday]

I love the Christmas season.  Everything leading up to it.
I like the decorating, the baking, the "jingle bell hop".

Christmas eve and Christmas day -- I don't like.  It's time for new customs.

Mom just is an unhappy person who wants to be the center of attention.  She is on my Dad all the time.  He says he will be in trouble for talking too much when we leave.  Every time he talks she's trying to make him be quiet, she's making noises from the next room, or she just plain tells him to "shut up".  DH and he were talking about their respective careers and Mom did not like it a bit.  There was a conversation at the dinner table where we were telling Dad how to get some Veteran's discounts that DH already gets.  first Mom tried telling him he wasn't a Veteran.  He was in the reserves for several years and hiis unit even got called up to server during the Cuban Missle Crises.
My Mom hates his love for discounts and she was trying to tell DH and me to stop telling Dad about them.  We ignored her.  Which will be all the worse for Dad.

Then later, they were talking about their careers (post military)  Mom was making grunting noises and criticizing him from the kitchen.

DH pointed out that it was because she wasn't the center of attention.  There were several conversations that she tried to manipulate into a different directoin, and DH just kept them on track for what he and Dad wanted to discuss.  Dad did not dare do that. 

Talking to DH at bedtime and he said we are leaving first thing in the morning and eating breakfast at a restaurant.  We are only spending the night because DH should not drive at night and he was very tired from going to his family's the day before.  We drove here separate because he went there first.

Next year we are doing something different.  I don't know what.  But I am not spending as much time here as I did this year.  I want to be around my Dad and the rest of my family  I really need to not let her separate me from them. She is the gatekeeper and I am not able to do that.

So I love Christmas Season.  Hate Christmas Day.

[Yorky]

I do agree! ChAnge the traditions that don’t work Christmas feels so claustrophobic with expectations of Happy Families. Too much alcohol also does not help.  So just thinking of how Christmas can be different.

1) pace Christmas , use the days running up and after Christmas for visiting relative. A short Christmas Eve visit instead of Full Christmas Day has to be preferable.

2) remember to contact and be with those people who give you positive energy Nd support. 

2) if you are hosting anything have a no alcohol rule

3) Use Christmas Day to go for a walk or hike, take a winter picnic. I have to say having a dog provides us with an excuse to be out.

4) look after yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually.

5) take. celebrations out of the home, go on a short break or vacation .

6) have a crisis plan, if it is going to blow and we know that it will have a unified plan.

Would love to hear of other people’s alternative Christmas plans!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Todayistheday!   

I think you have voiced the thoughts and feelings of many of our members here. The holidays are some of the most difficult days for those of us with a pwBPD. I understand because the memories of Christmas with my uBPDm are pretty horrible. 

I think Yorky has some good ideas. In addition to those, what about the idea of meeting at a restaurant instead of home? And here is a rather odd thought but it has worked for those who have planned a wedding with worries and concerns over a pwBPD who insists on being the center of attention: Is there a close friend or family member that your mom rather idolizes or wishes to portray herself well to that could be invited? They could sit near one another and away from your dad, allowing your dad to have freer conversation, and your mom to be the center of attention with her own person.

Just some ideas for you! 
I love that you want to do something different. 

Wools

[sweetheart]

I like this thread very much. I've been lying here feeling sorry for myself, just recovering from Christmas flu, and the usual family holiday emotional debacle; and reading this I realised the best way to do things differently next year, is to literally do things differently next year!

So that's my New Year plan for next Christmas is to go somewhere for a few days with my son, maybe dBPDh, but unlikely and let someone somewhere bring Christmas to us.
I don't know why I've never thought of it before, perhaps it just wasn't possible before now.