I am not sure what i am doing

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

hi everyone,

So my ex gf wrote me completely unexpectedly. She texted me on xmas wishing me a merry christmas. I was in a very weak place when she did. I was not expecting it, i was having a lot of trouble with the upcoming day, and I was not in a place where I could think about consequences.

So, i wrote her back to wish her merry christmas as well. Soon, we were texting back and forth. She said she was very sorry, and that she had been going through a hard time. I told her I loved her and she told me that she loves me too. I could feel my entire body chemistry changing.

I left it at that. I wanted to keep writing, but I held off (mainly because of all the family activities going on. But the next morning, xmas, she wrote to me again to wish me a merry xmas. We wrote a little more. We ended up texting on and off for the day.

Today it has been less so. And now i am super freaking anxious. I am having a hard time concentrating, eating, sleeping, etc.

I just don't know why she reached out to me at all. We hadn't been in contact for two weeks and I was not expecting to hear anything from her ever again. She is absolutely gorgeous, outgoing, smart, funny, etc. In other words she has no problem meeting new people, and has no use to come back to me. We live in one of america's biggest cities, so it isn't like there aren't other options.

I had planned on being NC, and had done a good job of it. But the second I saw her text I folded like a cheap suit. I can't deny that I want to be with her so very much, but I refuse to debase myself and beg. What worries me is that I also had no plan on being in contact with her again.

Now I just don't know what to do or say. I want to ask her why she wrote me, what are her intentions. But that frightens me. I know I sound like a spineless puff, but its the truth. There is a chance, i suppose, that she simply wrote to say happy holidays. But I don't know why she would write more than that, nor why she told me she loved me.

I know this is the breakup crisis section, and that is pretty much the state of things... .but I can't help wonder if she wants to try again. This is most likely a straight up charm, or worse, she is just clipping my wings so i don't fly too far and that I will be within her reach when she needs me.

But she apologize. And told me she loved me... .I am so confused. I don't know what I am doing.

[Shoct]

hi everyone,

So my ex gf wrote me completely unexpectedly. She texted me on xmas wishing me a merry christmas. I was in a very weak place when she did. I was not expecting it, i was having a lot of trouble with the upcoming day, and I was not in a place where I could think about consequences.

So, i wrote her back to wish her merry christmas as well. Soon, we were texting back and forth. She said she was very sorry, and that she had been going through a hard time. I told her I loved her and she told me that she loves me too. I could feel my entire body chemistry changing.

I left it at that. I wanted to keep writing, but I held off (mainly because of all the family activities going on. But the next morning, xmas, she wrote to me again to wish me a merry xmas. We wrote a little more. We ended up texting on and off for the day.

Today it has been less so. And now i am super freaking anxious. I am having a hard time concentrating, eating, sleeping, etc.

I just don't know why she reached out to me at all. We hadn't been in contact for two weeks and I was not expecting to hear anything from her ever again. She is absolutely gorgeous, outgoing, smart, funny, etc. In other words she has no problem meeting new people, and has no use to come back to me. We live in one of america's biggest cities, so it isn't like there aren't other options.

I had planned on being NC, and had done a good job of it. But the second I saw her text I folded like a cheap suit. I can't deny that I want to be with her so very much, but I refuse to debase myself and beg. What worries me is that I also had no plan on being in contact with her again.

Now I just don't know what to do or say. I want to ask her why she wrote me, what are her intentions. But that frightens me. I know I sound like a spineless puff, but its the truth. There is a chance, i suppose, that she simply wrote to say happy holidays. But I don't know why she would write more than that, nor why she told me she loved me.

I know this is the breakup crisis section, and that is pretty much the state of things... .but I can't help wonder if she wants to try again. This is most likely a straight up charm, or worse, she is just clipping my wings so i don't fly too far and that I will be within her reach when she needs me.

But she apologize. And told me she loved me... .I am so confused. I don't know what I am doing.

[Harley Quinn]

It sounds like what you are doing is facing a decision.  My suggestion would be to think carefully before you act either way.  Try to remember that to a pwBPD feelings are facts, and those feelings can change rapidly.   

Does her apology resolve the pain you have felt and would you feel able to put those things that have happened behind you in order to give things another try?  If you accept the apology and make another attempt at the r/s, she will expect a clean slate, so unless you can let go of what has gone before and be prepared to start afresh, then it could be a constant source of issues between you, or at least a personal source of issues within yourself.  This is worth consideration.  Should you plan to continue communicating with her, I'd advise you to look at the basic relationship skills within the Tools section at the top of the page, and to work on practising any areas that you feel less confident in.

What do you instinctively wish to do?       

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Shoct,

I had planned on being NC, and had done a good job of it.

I can understand wanting to know why she contacted you. If you read the quote above there has to be a good reason why you’re contemplating NC. NC is self protection. Why do we need to self protect? Sometimes we have individuals in our lives that don’t have healthy relationship patterns and are not good for us. If we don’t take care of ourselves, who will? Why did you decide to go NC?

NC is not hard and fast rule, so if you responded to a text it’s no big deal but understand that she will text from time to time. Be prepared for that, think about your boundaries, if she does X i respect me with Y. So if she sends a text I choose to ignore it and give her silence. She has a severe mental illness and she doesn’t have the relationship tools to think about what’s best for you.

Look at the emotional impact that that communication had on you? My advice is keep defending your boundaries get support from others to help you through these trying times. She’ll eventually get the picture but you’re going to have to draw a hard line for the time being and think about your needs, your welfare. Give yourself the time and space that you need to heal and rebuild.

[limetaste]

You're in denial. We've all been there. It's okey. Write about it here, WE will help you.

There's nothing good from having contact with her again. But you NEED to decide what you want to do here. I've seen your threads man. I understand the hurt you're in. It's extreme. But trust me, I was there. Give it some more weeks. I know how you feel, you're 50% wanting her back and 50% wanting to move on, just forget about her.

The reasons why she's contacting you again depends on three factors:

1. Her new rebound didn't work out well
2. She misses your love and the confirmation you gave her
3. She loves you

If #2 is a factor, texting you is just a way to use you, play with your emotions. She wants you to hang in there while she's pursuing other people. You're her "lifeline". You can tell rather instantly if this was the deal if your exBPD suddenly gets "cold" after you've responded. Often at times this occur when their new relationship take turns and breaks (or when fights have broken out). They don't feel the emotional need for some hours or days, so they have to get it from someone/somewhere else.

I got some small BPD-traits, but dated a couple of them. My EQ is extremly high, so I can put myself in their shoes, but only when I'm drunk. I understand the spectrum. I almost fully understood the way they are working and how they are feeling when I got "left behind" recently. Take that feeling of abandoment and take what you're feeling now into process, multiply it with x10. What are your options here? Commiting suicide as a youngster or just shut off?

This doesn't mean you text your exBPD and write that you "understand" her. She/he will never heal, but you and I will.

They often "grieve" a serious relationship in reverse. Your mind and brain needs to heal, just like you're doing now. It's a process, brain chemistry. BPD's tend to seek other stimula to cope with NOT grieving - it could be sex with strangers, dating around (imagine themselves to be in love) or drugs. Some just isolate themselves. When this fix stops they are likely to get back in contact with you to try recycle.

Some hope for this, but I hope you've find a new woman that brings you love so you can shut her attempts down.

Oh, one last thing. Why are we clinging on? Brains award system, that push/pull. It's like a drug affecting your dopamine action going on. Also we tend to be co-depedant from childhood-issues. We must work on ourselves. Love ourselves. Put ourselves first, not anyone else.

It's our life.

[Shoct]

Thank you for all of your responses, a couple days later and I realize it was just another crushing disappointment.

I hate to admit it, but I was cyber-stalking her on IG (which i know is bad for many reasons). But, it was helpful to see how she conducts herself. Before we were a couple she was all over my IG account like white on rice. Then she totally cooled off. I knew that she still followed one of her exs and i noticed around the time she turned cold on me she was writing comments to all of his posts, and, ugh, she tagged him on something that was highly bothersome. Now, I can see that there are no more comments on his pics, nor from him on hers. I, obviously, have no idea what happened, but it seems that she attempted to recycle him, pushed me away, he was smart enough not to take the bait and then all of a sudden she is alone on xmas and needs someone to tell her how great she is.

So, after she reached out to me, told me she loved me, said she was sorry, she then disappeared.

I can assume that she has a whole stable of men she has on speed dial, and that after i helped her through her xmas-crisis she was on to try a new poor sap.

Harley: Thank you, and to answer your question, no. She simply texted that she was sorry, but quickly moved on to how sad she is. As I wrote, I had hoped it might be an opening to actually discuss what happened, but I couldn't even get a response to a simple 'have a safe drive' text, let alone questions about the past. As far as my instincts... .i am torn between self-protection and being the caretaker. But after this quick and painful reminder of what i am dealing with the notion that i can't help her, that she doesn't really want help (past the immediate need) and that she is merely continuing to abuse me emotionally has made self protection the victor.

Mutt, thank you as well, I appreciate the words of advice. And you make a great point: the effect that her text has on me. And maybe I am walking a dangerous line. For now, though, it is very reinforcing, as she could write me/call, but she simply chooses not to. I was so hurt the day after xmas as it became apparent she was not going to respond, and i need to consider that. I might go back to NC after a couple more days... .

limetaste, and thank you too -- you make a fair point, and maybe you are right. Your three reasons are spot on. Like I wrote above, if i had to wager she was attempting to go back to her ex bf, it didn't work well and she needed immediate void-fill. Whether or not she really loves me, well I don't believe anything she says anymore. Sadly, though, had she conducted herself just a tad more like a decent person I would probably still be reeling from the loss. Now, I am just angry. Thanks again, your post really has made me think.

++++++++++++++++

The good news is that I have a date this Saturday. One of my friends set us up, and that is a helpful and needed distraction. It is not the most natural thing, as I am still all messed up, but it will help me re-focus. More good news, she seems (and I have been told as much) to be a very nice, genuine lady. It is probably too soon to launch into anything, but a casual night out will be a good way to end the year.

[Harley Quinn]

Great news Shoct.  I'm pleased that you're going into the date with your eyes open and realise it is probably too soon for you to expect the next big romance, but meeting a new person and socialising will do you good and as you say give a welcome distraction from ruminating.  I hope you have a pleasant evening and if nothing else a good giggle with someone you get along with.

Love and light x 

[Shoct]

Thank you Harley!

We talked on the phone last night, our first call, and the rest of my evening--compared to the past 3 weeks--was by far the most peaceful. As today has gone on, though, my thoughts keep circling back to my ex. I am very excited to meet this new lady (with all the 'not really ready' thoughts well in mind), and even if we only go out once I think it will help. If only for an hour or two my focus readjusts, it will be worth gold.

[Shoct]

and so it ends... .

I have gone to full NC as of this morning. I woke up and went through my instagram feed and one of the guy's i follow already has a picture of her. It happens, by chance, to also be her ex bf from 2 bfs ago. It is also the one that I sensed she was reaching out to weeks ago. I didn't want to believe it initially, also before she informed me she was BPD, and I just wanted to be cool that she was friends with ex bfs (as I am friends with my ex wife). But, now I know. It all makes sense. The exact time she was turning cold on me was the exact same time they were commenting on each others photos.

The time I was doing my all to show her I cared, that I loved her, that I would be there for her, she was working to patch things up with someone else.

I can't escape the empty feeling. I know that she was not going to wait around, nor really thinking about me, and I had tried to prepare myself for seeing that she is not only seeing her ex bf, but it is already to such a state (in two weeks since we last saw each other) that she is modeling for him.

I read so many other stories about this happening to others and thought I understood the pain and anger. But, no... .I couldn't have been prepared for this. It was like a cold blade. I had to unfollow the new guy (or old guy, whatever), I can't handle watching their love re-bloom. Until you go through this, you truly have no idea the pain.

I know their r/s was a lot longer than the one I had with her, and I can't help but feel even worse about what happened. Not only was it all a lie, it was worse than that. It seems that she has simply been waiting to get this guy back and was using me and another to die her time until she could get him back. I have no idea how long they will last, and, I am sorry for this, but I hope it is awful. To think that she would do all of this to me, crush me, hurt me, and then land back with her old boyfriend and look super happy is absolutely devastating.

Such a bad day and it is only 7:45am

[Mutt]

Hi Shoct,

I would feel devastated too if I saw my ex on social media with an old ex. I was curious when I asked an old member Ironmanfalls when he said that each recycle was worse. The thought of recycling had crossed my mind, the experience of breaking with my uBPDw was too hard for me to go through again. Anyways, his answer was each recycle a pwBPD will try harder during idealization at the beginning and the devaluation is worse.

It doesn’t matter who is with a pwBPD that is undiagnosed or untreated you will get steam rolled. It’s hard to see this now but he will keep her busy and that will give you the opportunity to heal and rebuild.

I was talking to my mom last about my gf and I told her that when I was my married uBPDw I wanted it to be done. She said I know Mutt that it was long. The man that she left me for did a favour when he took a huge problem out of my hands.

[Shoct]

thank you for all of your wisdom Mutt, it is truly needed and appreciated

Today has been awful, and it was my own doing. I attempted LC (and many thoughtful people mentioned the risks), and now I am complete NC.

I hope in time I see this as the best, but now all the memories are flooding back and the absolute ease with which she lied to me, manipulated me, and carried on with me, all the while starting to recycle her ex bf from two bfs ago, has left me raw.

I have done very good at avoiding looking at anything on instagram (where her life plays out for all to see, and now on her ex/new bf page as well.

The most whacked thing is that there is a HUGE part of me that is beyond jealous. That wants to be the other guy. Despite everything I know and tell other people, when it comes to my situation my brain wants to tell me that this is different, that she didn't really do textbook BPD things.

I saw my T today, my second visit, and i told her about what happened in the past week. My T literally sat back in her chair, sighed, said 'wow' and then added 'that is like case study BPD behavior." Still, STILL, my brain plays these loops that at one moment creates such hurt and anger, and then the next it is full of sorrow and loss.

[SlyQQ]

Shoct your on her list now, it is up to you to take yourself off it.