Hubby has BPD, trying hard to change his behavior

[Gabbi1714]

My husband suffers from BPD and complex PTSD. We have been together for almost 18 yrs. I started going to counseling to help me learn to be more supportive and help me find myself as I had increasingly felt lost, empty, and broken. It was during my individual counseling that it was brought to my attention that I have been verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by him since the start of our relationship. About 6 weeks ago I confronted him and after a weekend of denial and blaming- he finally realized what he had done and decided to leave.

This didn’t last long, he returned a few hours later stating he had no where to go. Since then he has begun reading self help books, attending counseling, and truly trying to change his patterns of behavior.

Understandably, I’m still hurt and angry and untrusting. But I’m trying to do my part to support him and find myself. It’s hard when I feel like most literature on BPD isn’t written for healing relationships- it’s more healing yourself after the relationship. Is there truly hope of change and joy together? Or am I just falling prey to another cycle of BPD and being manipulated into hope of the impossible?

All I have ever wanted was for him to have a chance at happiness and joy. Yes, in my efforts I have damaged myself and that was wrong... .but is there hope of a healthy future? I find myself on an endless pengalim- swinging between hope and optimism and fear, hurt, anger, and despair. It’s emotionally exhausting  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

Hello Gabii1714 - welcome to the bpdfamily - I'm really glad you found us.

18 years - wow - congratulations! I've been with my pwBPD (person with BPD traits) for 18 years, too, and I can really relate to how exhausting, draining, and just overwhelming it's been.

Many folks here can relate a story about one of the times they confronted their partner. I find myself making absolutely NO progress when it comes to pointing out the obvious (to me) verbal and emotional abuse. Taking responsibility can be a VERY hard thing for a pwBPD. One reason for this could be the black and white thinking that is characteristic of the disorder. According to the BPD thought distortions, someone can either be "all good" or "all bad" but not both. When you challenge them to consider that they've been hurtful, you may try and let them know you still love them and think they're a good, worthwhile person, but they might not be able to grasp that. They may think "I've done a bad thing, so therefore I'm all bad."

There's certainly hope in the overall sense, I can tell you that for sure. There are treatments that seem to be effective. Treating some of the anxiety and depression symptoms that are common will certainly help for most people. DBT has been shown to be very effective, but that's a big commitment. Which bring me to the point I always make sure to cover - always remember, you can NOT change the other person. You can encourage them, and more importantly, you can change your own actions and reactions. You can change your own thoughts and feelings and get a better handle on things. But in the end, we must rely on BOTH people to be serious about change for the biggest levels of success to be achieved.

I'll say on a personal note, I've changed my actions, reactions, thoughts and feelings, and overall I feel better able to make clear decisions than I did a year ago. I'm still waiting and hoping my wife will make those changes in herself, and it's REALLY frustrating to watch her NOT do that. But I try every day to maintain some hope and optimism.

So let me ask you - what have you learned from your own counseling? You mention that you're seeking help to be more supportive and "find [your]self" - I would argue that the latter is very very important. I would ask you as well, are you also learning how to be loving and supportive of yourself? This is so important.

Glad you found us, Gabbi1714 - I'm really looking forward to hearing more of your story.

[ortac77]

I can only echo Daddybears comments.

Living with a pwBPD is incredibly difficult and even when they commit to treatment like DBT it is certainly not all plain sailing, I have found that having my own therapy has been essential to learn the tools that I need in dealing with the effects that this condition can have on me. I often have to repeat to myself that I can ONLY CHANGE ME.

It is a long journey, and hard as I find it to accept the reality is that BPD is not curable, often co-morbid with other conditions and whilst therapy helps it takes a lot of hard work for both parties.


For my partner a 'trigger' can result in all 'black & white' thinking, indicated by words like 'always or never', you don't understand' 'Should' 'Must' and the all or nothing behaviours that results in can be very abusive to the partner who does not have BPD and is simply trying to maintain some emotional equilibrium during this tirade. This is why JADE alongside SET can be useful - acknowledging the emotional distress, maintaining support but not accepting or reacting, stating when possible the truth- walking away and finding ones own space is good.

Giving support to yourself is vital, I find SET works for me too - Giving myself support through friends or doing something I enjoy, having empathy for me - accepting that I have made a difficult choice of living with an unpredictable and serious mental illness and finally truth - I have made this choice, today I still chose to live with it but I always have the freedom to change that.

 Now as I see it the abuse is something 'received' - I used to just think its manipulation, maybe it is at one level but I have learned that my partner is very receptive to my moods - but being unable to work easily with his own feelings he is in a sense processing his own thoughts through my emotional framework. I just might need somebody to listen to my feelings, a non-BPD can do that in a non judgemental way and one would in most relationships share those feelings with ones partner safely. I have had to realise this does not work in our relationship and that is of course difficult. Therapy helps as do supportive friends or family.

Equally I can only encourage my partner to process his emotions with his therapist. Its like maintaining a 'firewall' otherwise my ability to think clearly can be corrupted and my emotions sent into turmoil.

You are not hoping for the impossible in your relationship, living with emotional roller coaster this illness induces is exhausting, finding support and learning to validate and accept your own feelings is vital.


Ortac x

[Lakebreeze]

Welcome! I'm glad to see you have already gotten some great advice on this.
I have been married to my undiagnosed BPD husband for 6 years. It wasn't untill 8 months ago that I came up with BPD to explain the chaotic roller coaster that was my life. I was convinced it was me. If I could just be more supportive, more understanding, keep the house cleaner, keep the kids quieter.
Anyway, I'm getting off track here. About the hurt and pain and confusion you are feeling right now on coming to grips with the level of emotional and verbal abuse you have been subjected to. Feel it. Think about it. Experience it. It is going to hurt even more before you can make peace with it. I felt so angry and depressed in the months following figuring things out with my husband. For a while I thought the only way I could solve things was a divorce. It felt so unfair that this was really my reality.
Take time to focus on your feelings, taking care of you and taking the power back to be in control of your own emotions and reactions. There is hope and peace on the other side of this.
Keep and touch and take good care or yourself.
Happy New Year!
Lakebreeze

[Tattered Heart]

WElcome ,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so hurt right now. Hopefully continuing counseling will help you begin to mend some of those parts of you. There are books out there that can help you begin learning how to navigate through a BPD relationship. We also have alot of lessons and resources available. Our hope on the Improving Board is to help preserve the family so finding ways to learn to live a healthy and hopeful life are our main goals here. Some of us have seen significant changes in our relationship when we began to look at ourselves, our own behavior, and our reactions to our pwBPD.

One of the workshops that might help you get started is The Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship .

You mentioend that you have been physically abused by your H. Do you have a safety plan in place? If he begins to get violent are you able to leave the house? It's important that you begin thinking about and putting a safety plan into place. You can find out more about how to do that on our Safety First article.