Just figured out about uBPD Mom and the In-laws

[todayistheday]

This is complicated.  Aren't all dysfunctional families?

There's me and my Mom, me and my in-laws, Mom and her in-laws and me and Mom's in-laws (my Dad's Mom's family.)

Me and my in-laws - there are problems.  Have nothing to do with BPD.  They are selfish people.  The kind of people who never call unless they want something from us.  If we have problems and can do nothing for them (such as DH being in the hospital) they are nowhere to be found.

So I am NC with them (on the MIL stories bulletin board, we call it cut off).  Mom really objects to that.   That part I had figured out long ago.  She realizes that if I will cut them off, I could also cut her off.  And what is behind BPD is fear of abandonment.

So to my uBPD Mom and her in-laws.  Well, part of her in-laws.  Dad's Mom's family.  His Dad's family are really nice.  They treated her really nasty years and years ago.  In some ways, much worse than what I had to deal with.   They have also treated me nasty. So I am pretty much NC with them as well.  Mom has no reason to be in contact with them either.  She has good reason to be NC with them.  She has been treated badly by them in many ways.

They are a very matriarchial bunch, so women who marry into the family and the children born to those women are outsiders.  Yes, my Dad is in the family, but since the person who gave birth to me is not in the family, then we are are outsiders.  It's not just us.  The other offspring of the men are that way. 

Instead of saying the heck with them, she spends all kinds of time trying to ingratiate herself to them.  Even to the point of dissing the wives of some of Dad's first cousins (other outsider women). 

I realize now, that all of her behaviors in the three situations are directly BPD related- her disapproving of me being NC with my IL's, her disapproving of me being NC with my Dad's Mom's family, and her NOT being NC with my Dad's Mom's family. 

For the situation with my ILs, she knows that if I can go NC with them, I can also go NC with her.

For the situation between me and my Dad's Mom's family, part of it is the same, and the other part is the same as the reason she is trying to ingratiate herself to them.

They will NEVER approve of her (or me or soome of my cousins).  I refuse to play their game.  To her, my having a relationship with them is part of her wanting to ingratiate herself to them.

Her wanting to ingratiate herself goes back to Borderline's fear of abandonment.  Part of that is need for acceptance.  All three things are fear of abandonment.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Todayistheday,

Sounds like a whole lot of complicating relationships! From much of what you shared, do you feel as if there is triangulation going on?

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

 
Wools