In so much pain. Don't know what to do. :(

[heartofglass]

I made the fatal mistake of letting my BPD mom back into my life this September after half a year of no contact, out of necessity. My husband unexpectedly got a new job with a long commute, and because she lives down the road, we urgently needed her help with transporting the kids for a couple of months as we adjusted to the new circumstances.

So I smoothed things over with her and she was initially just glad to have us back again (she had told everyone in this small town I was keeping her grandkids from her). Of course in the first few weeks she was the exemplary mother, and convinced me to open up to her over long lunches (her treat of course) so I became enmeshed again. She entwined herself in my life as she always does as soon as I let her in again, and I accepted it because we needed her during this transition (no other family) and I was willing to play along. It was temporary, after all, until I got my own car. At first it was okay, I thought I knew how to keep my boundaries and knew she couldn't fully be trusted.

But as the months passed, the fact she held absolute power over my transportation got to her head, and in her mind I became 14 years old again. She would openly say she resented letting me borrow the car (even though she has no job, no commitments, no hobbies except shopping, and lots of money -- basically, my inheritance, which she rerouted to herself last year when my dad died -- but I'm not allowed to question that of course). She knew it was a temporary situation, but loudly proclaimed she couldn't wait for it to be over because she resented the fact we weren't constantly kissing her feet for "helping" getting her grandkids to school and appointments. (Basically, what normal families do for each other in times of need.)

It started to get really bad when she would flip out at me for dropping off the car, say, an hour earlier because it interrupted her "schedule" (basically, shower and putting on makeup, nothing more). I had to do so because I had a repairman coming to my house. On the drive home, she made me repeat an elaborate apology for thoughtlessly not warning her ahead of time that I would be interrupting her makeup routine, word for word, until she was satisfied with my tone of voice. (I'm in my mid-30s). Obviously, because I was trying to keep boundaries, that ended on a bad note. So, an hour later, she burst into my house and started screaming at me right in front of the repairman, her words obviously framing me as a troublemaker. I was stunned and humiliated. She then later accused me of yelling at her.

It just got worse and worse. At one point, she held me hostage at her house (without any car to escape) and she said to my face I'm the biggest problem in her life. Towards the end, she would restrict my car usage even when I pleaded with her that we had no food in the house for the kids' dinner. She didn't care anymore, it was full-on about punishing me for not worshiping her.

The final days she basically destroyed me. She withdrew her offer to babysit at the very last minute so I missed an important company event. (She literally never has wanted to babysit before or since, but she knew about that night for well over a month and had fully agreed to it. She knew how much it meant to me.) She also made my child miss a vital appointment we had to wait months to get, saying it was "my problem now". I found out she went out for a fancy lunch with my sister instead, clearly intending to hurt me (playing siblings against one another as always).

The last night I her, when she dropped my kids off on the night I was meant to go to the company event, I could see the pleasure in her eyes that she was willingly making me miss something so important to me. She then told me she was seeing her therapist again and it was "very helpful". She said they advised her to "distance herself from me" (as if I was the crazy one) and also to not speak to me anymore unless a third party was present (as if I was abusive). She said it with such glee and smugness. She also said that anything I've ever texted to her, she's shared with her therapist and will continue to do so. She then trounced off gleefully and went home and posted lighthearted memes on Facebook about cutting out toxic people -- which her boyfriend "liked". (I barely know this man, but gee thanks.)

That was the end. I NEVER want to see my mom again. I don't think she realizes nor cares that I have been an absolute mess ever since that night. I'm just a mother of two young kids who mistakenly thought my mom cared enough to help her only grandchildren. I was sobbing on Christmas. She was meanwhile posting happy pictures of her smiling self with boyfriend and extended family, yet somehow she's the victim here.

My husband's family is WONDERFUL and know everything about what's going on, and care deeply, but they live thousands of miles away. That might be our answer, to leave my mom behind and finally be surrounded by supportive people. Certainly the kids would have a happier mother. But it would be a monumental effort to move, and most people would say I shouldn't expect another family to give me what I'm missing because no family is perfect. But it's better to have any family at all.

I don't even consider my mom my mother anymore. Her behavior towards the end became actually cruel, and it affected my kids too. I am still recovering from my abused dad's sudden death last year and a few other major setbacks, and now this. I am officially broken. I have lost both my dad and my mom. Something that should have been SO SIMPLE has left me a shell of myself and has set me back a full year in my grief recovery. I guess I forgot love and support only comes with strings attached.

[CollectedChaos]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, what an absolute mess  

It's truly heartbreaking to be shown time and time again that our parents are incapable of love and caring in the way that most families are.  I think even when we instinctively know that, we still have a glimmer of hope that maybe this time things will be different, and it hurts just the same as it did the first time when we're shown that isn't the case.  Being a mess is totally understandable - you've been hurt by one of the people who isn't supposed to hurt you.  It stinks.  Be sure you are practicing some self care right now - however is most comfortable for you.  It doesn't have to be anything big - even if it's an extra 5 minutes in the shower in the morning is better than nothing at all!

I'm so glad that your H's family is full of support for you all.  Having people in your life who are interested in your well being and love you is a really big deal.  I am also lucky that I have wonderful in-laws who are very supportive.  It wasn't comfortable for me to go to them for support when I needed it (felt like I should be able to handle it all myself), especially when it had to do with my crazy family, it has gotten easier.  Even if it's talking on the phone with them or sending emails, be sure you are allowing them to support you - even if that is just you venting to them sometimes.  They want to, believe me!

Hang in there 

[Monarch72]

So sorry heartofglass. Felt your pain in reading this. I am struggling myself right now after going from NC to LC but still going back and forth from anger/resentment to peace to guilt. However, I will say that putting distance between us was the best thing I did. In my case I moved from the US to Australia (hubby is Aussie) which is a bit more than most people can do :-) but any distance helps I think. The most peace I have ever felt was right after I moved away. Is it possible to move closer to your husband's family. Although a big move, it may be good for you as a family in the long run. In any case, I understand and feel for your pain.

[Raccol]

There is so much in here that sounds familiar - holding you hostage in the house, implying you're the crazy one, treating you to lunches so you become enmeshed again. Those are all things that my uBPD mother has done to me. I've been going through some horribly similar situations with my mother and am now 1 week n.c. for the first time. My heart goes out to you. You're not alone.

[Notwendy]

You are not alone. It makes sense to think our mothers would act in "motherly" ways when their children need help, and that we are disappointed when they don't.

I have found that if I turn to my mother for any need or vulnerability on my part she can be at her cruelest. I have learned not to ask or expect anything from her and also not to touch anything she owns- not her car, or anything.

I have found that confiding in her is not a good idea.

I had not spent much time at home but when my father got sick, I visited to help. I also recall a trapped in the house experience where she raged at me. It was terrifying. I didn't stay with her again for about 10 years. The few times I did, I kept a packed suitcase and had my car in case I had to walk out.

I have strong boundaries with her. We are cordial but not close. I speak pleasantly to her, but not intimately. We may talk about news, a movie, or a book, but I don't speak about things that are personal to me.

I don't have an inheritance- my father left everything to her when he passed away- and I didn't expect anything. I would have liked to have some items of sentimental value but once they were hers, she would refuse to let me have them. She eventually passed some items on to my kids for which I am grateful for.

Basically if it is hers, or connected to her, it is best if I don't get involved.

I think it is wonderful that your husband's family is supportive.