Overcoming Being The Scapegoat of the Family

[zachira]

I have always been the scapegoat of my family, as were a paternal uncle and aunt, and a maternal aunt. I have literally listened to hundreds of hours of my parents talking badly about their siblings who were always kind to me, and never given credit for all their generosity. It seems that my scapegoated aunts and uncle carried themselves in a way that showed their self esteem was fragile, and they were always trying to please the favored siblings who never appreciated them for what they did. I have been in therapy since 2011 and my self esteem is much better than it has ever been. Many people have noticed how I have changed for the better. My 2 siblings and mother who are all BPD have stepped up their scapegoating of me as I have gained more self-confidence. This past Christmas I was told I was not welcome to stay at my mom's house by both of my siblings for no reason, and I am still hurting from this. I spent Christmas alone for the first time in my life. I have not gotten depressed like I did in the past. I have just cried a lot. In the past month, I have talked to many people who are the scapegoats in their family. I have opened up this thread in hopes that people will share their experiences about how being scapegoated by family members has affected them, and how they are dealing with the scapegoating. Thank you for reading my post!

[sweetheart]

Hello zachira,

I too have written today about my annual family disaster. I and my son are yet again not at our family big Christmas gathering. I didn't handle it very well, I still feel hurt and unsure of how to process this on a practical level going forward. Emotionally I am resilient, I am far from perfect, but I spent many many years in therapy and have always been aware that I performed the function of a family scapegoat. I am still cast in that role by family now, but I no longer willingly wear the mantle. My father's alcoholism also became a scapegoat within our family for many years.

Twenty years ago this sort of stuff used to crush me, I would always be misbehaving somewhere unruly as an escape from the claustrophobia of the family gatherings and yet longing to be part of them as well.

Now I'd like to be part of the event with them because I'm a parent, it's Christmas, I want my son to be part of my extended family, not all of them are crazy, but they are all complicit in mine and my son's exclusion from the event.
It hurts. Part of me wants to rant and rage and send passive-aggressive texts, but I won't I never do.

[Ruth50]

Zachira,
I am so sorry to hear that you spent Christmas on your own, my heart goes out to you.

I have experienced being the scapegoat for my uBPD Mother, as has my brother. It affected him in that he has gone no contact. I am just beginning the journey of seeing how it has affected me so early days. So far I recognise that I have always felt inadequate and as if there was something not quite right about me and like I must be a very annoying and boring person. That is basically because that was how my Mother treated me. She told me recently even (and I am 50), that there was something about me which had always annoyed her. When I asked her (calmly) what it was about me that annoyed her, she just said that she didn't know but that I just did. A couple of weeks ago she told me that there was an expression on my face that she had always hated and that was the reason for her latest outburst. Much more was said and shouted by my Mother including a follow-up abusive phone call telling me where to go because I had walked out on her while she was having a rage at me. But then she is pestering me on the phone trying to "sort it out " and at the same time blaming me for it all.

I discovered through desperate research that I needed to set some boundaries and this has begun. Mum majorly kicked up but I at last feel, you know what... .I don't have to take this abuse, even though it is an illness that she has.

I hope you find out what you need to do next for your own wellness. It is going to be a process but I think something I am beginning to realise is that I need to look after my own needs which are, surprise surprise... .important. Yours are too.

[Woolspinner2000]

Zachira,

I am so sorry as well that you were alone at Christmas. It is such a bummer because the holidays are known as a time for families. Unfortunately for those of us with a pwBPD in our lives, it can be a time of extreme exhaustion, wounding, and isolation that takes a long time to get over. My uBPDm kept score, and that's probably why she eventually won the battle of banning our whole family from ever seeing my dad's family again, starting when I was 12 years old. I never kept score, but the memories and the wounds remain fixed in my heart. T has helped me to process them, but still the holidays bring back memories and feelings, even though both of my parents have now passed away.

One thing that I wish to encourage all of you on is that no matter what happens or has happened, you are NOT defined by your pwBPD. Never. You are defined only by yourself, and as the healing journey to recovery progresses, you learn to see yourself as awesome, wonderful, resilient, strong, courageous, and loved beyond anything you've ever known. It is coming, this healing. 

Hang in there! You are each worth celebrating!   

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

Hi Zachira- It feels hurtful to be the "black child"- I am as well. My mother painted me black to her FOO and it was hurtful to let go of the hope that I could have a relationship with them.

Over time though, I feel this is a gift in my family. It is the gift of clarity- I am not enmeshed and do not feel the sense of obligation to my BPD mother that the "golden child" sibling feels.

This sibling has shared some good times with her and was the favored child. She treats him both better and also is meaner and more critical of him than she is to me now. Before I was able to have boundaries with her, she was also verbally abusive to me, but I have been able to disengage from her and she knows I won't put up with it now. I am not NC, but our relationship has some distance - yet I can be cordial to her in family situations.

These relationships are hard because in many cases- they are not all bad. My mother can be very charming, generous and fun to be with, and also cruel and verbally abusive. Setting boundaries means risking the relationship. As the "black child" I had less to lose in this risk. It wasn't easy to set boundaries with her and deal with her reaction, but I realized it was easier for me to take this path than the family members who are in her favor.

You are taking steps to being less enmeshed in your family system and being your own person.

[sweetheart]

I found this when reading a bit to remind myself of the psychology and origins of scapegoats in families https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-strength-of-the-scapegoat-in-the-narcissist-family_us_58b27448e4b0658fc20f9678

If the links not ok mods just remove it, I did look in BPD family files but there wasn't anything similar.

I like what it has to say very much, it reminds me of all the qualities that make me an absolutely fantastic 'black sheep' 

I need to remind myself that I hold these qualities within me and that is why I clash with my FOO. 

[zachira]

Thank you everyone for sharing and all your kindness. Thank you so much for the link to the article "The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissist Family".  I have printed out the article and am reading it again and again. I will take the article to my therapy appointment. It is so helpful to know I was targeted for my strengths. Of my siblings, I am the one who has gone to therapy for years, and looked for ways to become the best person I can be. I need to continually remind myself that I am the lucky one among my siblings. As for my now, my siblings are incapable of facing the pain they are dealing with and may never be able to feel joy like I have started to feel, once I allowed myself to weep when I feel sad about all the pain inflicted on me by my family members, because they are incapable of dealing with their own pain! Please keep sharing how you are dealing with being the scapegoat, as I think it helps many of us to know we are not alone in our journey of healing!

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Something about this photo conveys the emotion for me... .



Families do some unbelievable things to their loved ones.