Want her back, thinking about the next step

[Depression = 72% of members]

I recently about posted wanting my BPDexgf back. In short, she started devaluing me, I broke up with her, she painted me black. I came back 3 days later and told her I want her back, and I regret my decision to break up, she rejected me. I stayed NC for a month then came back, got painted white but was friendzoned, told her I can't do the friends thing and I wanted another go at the RS, she rejected again. I tried getting over her, couldn't, then came back a week later, played at the friends thing for a week, then came true with my feelings and said I still want a RS with her and I still love her, she said she still loves me too but she wants to see other people and can't be with me right now, I agreed and told her it hurts, but I respect her decision and won't bother her with this anymore. She said she doesn't want me out of her life, I said I can't be her friend right now, but when I'm ready I'll come back.

Throughout this period she never initiated contact with me and seemed indifferent about my existence; however, today she texted me and told me that she just had a huge fight with her mom and got kicked out of the house and now she lives with her aunt. I just said "sh!t, good luck" she said thanks. Now I read that a large majority of BPDs recycle, and I know wanting them back is against all advice, but I still want one more shot. This is the first and only time we've ever broken up, and I realized that when I shower her with love and try winning her back she pulls away, so I won't do that anymore, but I heard that NC and pretending like I moved on will make her want me again.

Is my response a good or bad step in getting her back? If I keep acting distant and unavailable, is she likely to come forth and tell me she wants another go? Is it better to go NC or LC?

I realize that there is no definitive answer and BPD doesn't define the individual, but I just want to know what approach is more likely to get the pwBPD to want a recycle.

[Nass11er]

I recently about posted wanting my BPDexgf back. In short, she started devaluing me, I broke up with her, she painted me black. I came back 3 days later and told her I want her back, and I regret my decision to break up, she rejected me. I stayed NC for a month then came back, got painted white but was friendzoned, told her I can't do the friends thing and I wanted another go at the RS, she rejected again. I tried getting over her, couldn't, then came back a week later, played at the friends thing for a week, then came true with my feelings and said I still want a RS with her and I still love her, she said she still loves me too but she wants to see other people and can't be with me right now, I agreed and told her it hurts, but I respect her decision and won't bother her with this anymore. She said she doesn't want me out of her life, I said I can't be her friend right now, but when I'm ready I'll come back.

Throughout this period she never initiated contact with me and seemed indifferent about my existence; however, today she texted me and told me that she just had a huge fight with her mom and got kicked out of the house and now she lives with her aunt. I just said "sh!t, good luck" she said thanks. Now I read that a large majority of BPDs recycle, and I know wanting them back is against all advice, but I still want one more shot. This is the first and only time we've ever broken up, and I realized that when I shower her with love and try winning her back she pulls away, so I won't do that anymore, but I heard that NC and pretending like I moved on will make her want me again.

Is my response a good or bad step in getting her back? If I keep acting distant and unavailable, is she likely to come forth and tell me she wants another go? Is it better to go NC or LC?

I realize that there is no definitive answer and BPD doesn't define the individual, but I just want to know what approach is more likely to get the pwBPD to want a recycle.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Shoct]

Nass11er... .

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

You don't want to be recycled. I thought I did too, I really did. And I understand how you feel, it is just a terrible feeling.

But... .ask yourself: how many times can you go through the the break-up/recycle? And, if she takes you back and leaves you again, is that better? Or is better now to try to figure out how to honestly move on and never look back?

And, to borrow from the magnificent Ms Harley Quinn: can you accept/forget that this all happened and start with a clean slate?

And... .what if she has been with someone else? Would you be able to accept that as well?

I would consider why you want to be recycled. Even if it is but temporary? Will the next break-up be easier or harder?

[Nass11er]

Nass11er... .

I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

You don't want to be recycled. I thought I did too, I really did. And I understand how you feel, it is just a terrible feeling.

But... .ask yourself: how many times can you go through the the break-up/recycle? And, if she takes you back and leaves you again, is that better? Or is better now to try to figure out how to honestly move on and never look back?

And, to borrow from the magnificent Ms Harley Quinn: can you accept/forget that this all happened and start with a clean slate?

And... .what if she has been with someone else? Would you be able to accept that as well?

I would consider why you want to be recycled. Even if it is but temporary? Will the next break-up be easier or harder?

It’s honestly a strong combination of still-existing love for her, constant second guessing about my decision to break up, missing her, knowing and studying more about BPD since the breakup, and wanting to give this one more shot to see if things can work out. There’s also the fact that I broke up with her, not the other way around, so I feel like she still wanted me and her behavior in pushing/devaluing me was just a natural defense-mechanism, and not a complete rejection of me.

[Lostinanother]

Nas

You already received good feedback in your last thread.
But if you want her back, go and get her. Don’t write about it here.
It sounds like you know what you want and you’re hoping for support here.
Go and tell her exactly how you feel, honestly and openly.
If she rejects you again after you spill your guys to her, then you have to accept that and let her go... .

Good luck

[Nass11er]

Nas

You already received good feedback in your last thread.
But if you want her back, go and get her. Don’t write about it here.
It sounds like you know what you want and you’re hoping for support here.
Go and tell her exactly how you feel, honestly and openly.
If she rejects you again after you spill your guys to her, then you have to accept that and let her go... .

Good luck

She knows very well how I feel, but I’ve realized that getting close seems to just push her farther away from me. Based on a lot of what I read on here, acting distant and going NC/LC is the way to go about trying to get a pwBPD back, a charm/recycle is almost a guarantee. Not sure if this is true, but I’ve read a lot of advice here in similar posts that suggests this is true.

Having tried it she suddenly texts me me out of the blue so it’s looking like a legit way to go about things, I guess all I can do is see where it takes me.

[pest]

She knows very well how I feel, but I’ve realized that getting close seems to just push her farther away from me. Based on a lot of what I read on here, acting distant and going NC/LC is the way to go about trying to get a pwBPD back, a charm/recycle is almost a guarantee. Not sure if this is true, but I’ve read a lot of advice here in similar posts that suggests this is true.

Having tried it she suddenly texts me me out of the blue so it’s looking like a legit way to go about things, I guess all I can do is see where it takes me.

Be very careful, I came from the same place where you have been. Mine is high functioning one. Beleive me she will paint you black and torture you even in intense love mode. Even if I started to question my feelings, I do still love her but I know she will turn my life into hell and torture my feelings.

If you still want her ignore her totally, she has to have feeling of abondonment. Then let her create a drama and be there for help with showing like you already went out from this relationship. Out of blue she will do everything to pull you to her. You will be shocked. But at the end unfortunately  you will be the one who is sad.

[Pencil sketch]

I ignored the advice of people on here, and broke no contact, and it was a mistake.
Every time you re-engage, and get discarded, which you will, it's harder, and you have a mountain to climb.
We all know how hard this is, but just think long and hard about what you have been  through.
It doesn't change.

[Nass11er]

Be very careful, I came from the same place where you have been. Mine is high functioning one. Beleive me she will paint you black and torture you even in intense love mode. Even if I started to question my feelings, I do still love her but I know she will turn my life into hell and torture my feelings.

If you still want her ignore her totally, she has to have feeling of abondonment. Then let her create a drama and be there for help with showing like you already went out from this relationship. Out of blue she will do everything to pull you to her. You will be shocked. But at the end unfortunately  you will be the one who is sad.

I realize that going back is not the best idea, but throughout this period I became hell-bent on one more go. With that said, should I ignore her by acting distant and cold but responding to her texts, or should I just flat out ignore her totally (not even respond to her texts/view her snaps).

[pest]

I realize that going back is not the best idea, but throughout this period I became hell-bent on one more go. With that said, should I ignore her by acting distant and cold but responding to her texts, or should I just flat out ignore her totally (not even respond to her texts/view her snaps).

She has to feel absolute abondonment, so talking cold or nc doesn't matter. She had to feel you are angry you moved on and happy. Show no emotions. But beleive me in my case she welcomed me with intense love for a long time but you wouldnt even want to know what will likely do. So be very careful, you will be sad at the end.

If it worth for your life out feelings you are having, and if you are up to bring her to doctor which will more likely to fail even if you bring. Then you can try.

[Nass11er]

She has to feel absolute abondonment, so talking cold or nc doesn't matter. She had to feel you are angry you moved on and happy. Show no emotions. But beleive me in my case she welcomed me with intense love for a long time but you wouldnt even want to know what will likely do. So be very careful, you will be sad at the end.

If it worth for your life out feelings you are having, and if you are up to bring her to doctor which will more likely to fail even if you bring. Then you can try.

I guess I’ll follow through with this. I tried desperately getting her back, which seemed to just make her see me as worthless, and she preceded to friendzone the F out of me. For now I won’t initiate any contact, and I’ll only respond in an uninterested manner to her texts. If she tries getting back together, then I got what I wanted. If she doesn’t then hopefully by then enough time has passed and I’ve moved on.

It’s odd to me that so far she’s rejected a recycle seeing as though I’ve heard here that recycles are a norm for a pwBPD. We also had a generally steady relationship with barely any problems, until the end of it when sh!t got crazy. I’ve also already been split white to my knowledge, just not in the way I’m looking for (friendzone).

[Bo123]

Nass 11R--Read your own posts.  Unless you are BPD also, you don't have a chance in playing this game better than she can.  If there was an easy way to get a BPD back, everyone would know about it, there isn't.  Those who get a recycle, guess what, get the same thing crazy crap and it starts all over.  I think 99% would agree your in for a ride you wont like and they say it from experience, however I do understand wanting her back and if you can take all the stuff you are going to have to go through, go for it.  Recycles are not fun and usually end in another recycle until they decide to go NC just when you get highly emotionally invested.  It's your heart that will take the beating not ours.  I wish you the best and hope you prove all of us and the odds wrong.  Keep us updated and good luck.

[Nass11er]

Nass 11R--Read your own posts.  Unless you are BPD also, you don't have a chance in playing this game better than she can.  If there was an easy way to get a BPD back, everyone would know about it, there isn't.  Those who get a recycle, guess what, get the same thing crazy crap and it starts all over.  I think 99% would agree your in for a ride you wont like and they say it from experience, however I do understand wanting her back and if you can take all the stuff you are going to have to go through, go for it.  Recycles are not fun and usually end in another recycle until they decide to go NC just when you get highly emotionally invested.  It's your heart that will take the beating not ours.  I wish you the best and hope you prove all of us and the odds wrong.  Keep us updated and good luck.

Thanks for your good wishes. I’m usually a rational person, always have been throughout my life. I usually weigh the risks with the benefits and let my logical mind guide me. This is the first time in my life where I’m rejecting all logic and being driven by pure emotion. I realize that what I want is probably not what I need, but what can I do, I love her too much. So much that my heart hurts just writing and thinking about her. I was generally very independent before meeting her, but my life feels empty without her.

I’ve been addicted before, but not to this extent. I dealt fairly well with cocaine withdrawal, but this is different, this is stronger. I could go all day venting, but for now I guess I’ll just go through with my decision, and see where it takes me. Anyways thanks again for your good wishes.

[once removed]

Nass11er,

i really encourage you to let go of the generalities you are reading about BPD. they are tripping you up, and leading you down a road that may guarantee failure. you have a whole host of tools to the right of the board that can help - use them.

as i said previously, this is an uphill battle from the start. there are things that you are doing, and have done, that are making your odds less likely. if we want things to get better, we have to stop making them worse.

desperation, clinginess, wearing your heart on your sleeve, these are not a strategy conducive to reuniting with an ex. neither is feigned distance, NC, or other push/pull games. she will see through those.

what will help? getting some space and getting into a better state of mind. rebuilding your life and appearing mighty attractive - getting back to the confident, upbeat guy she fell for in the first place. being available and possibly reaching out as you get into that better space, but not chasing or issuing ultimatums.

are you ready to try a different strategy?

[Nass11er]

Nass11er,

i really encourage you to let go of the generalities you are reading about BPD. they are tripping you up, and leading you down a road that may guarantee failure. you have a whole host of tools to the right of the board that can help - use them.

as i said previously, this is an uphill battle from the start. there are things that you are doing, and have done, that are making your odds less likely. if we want things to get better, we have to stop making them worse.

desperation, clinginess, wearing your heart on your sleeve, these are not a strategy conducive to reuniting with an ex. neither is feigned distance, NC, or other push/pull games. she will see through those.

what will help? getting some space and getting into a better state of mind. rebuilding your life and appearing mighty attractive - getting back to the confident, upbeat guy she fell for in the first place. being available and possibly reaching out as you get into that better space, but not chasing or issuing ultimatums.

are you ready to try a different strategy?

Definitely, I just need to know what the strategy is. I will definitely use the strategy that is the most likely to lead me to success, but I need to initially know what it is. Sure, working on myself, and going back to the same guy she fell for in the first place. I can definitely try doing that, but at the same time I have to know how to get her to want back in the relationship. Last contact we had and my last effort to get back with her she told me she wanted to be in a relationship just not with me, and she wants me to just be a friend, so I respected her wishes and said I'll come back when I'm ready for that, but need space in the meantime.

This goes against what I actually want, I want to be with her, but I don't control her. She wants to be with other people, she wants a new experience, and I want to know how to change that. We were madly in love for a year, and suddenly she sees me as a friend, in the span of a week. I'm only following advice such as NC and acting cold, because she rejected me every time I showed love and spilled my heart out for her post breakup. Additionally, I know recycling is common with BPD, so I have hope that someday she'll want back in.

So if getting space, rebuilding my life and appearing attractive is the way to go, that's what I'm gonna do. But this also raises some questions. How will she know I've rebuilt my life? Giving space sounds like going NC/LC, which is technically what I'm doing. If I come back to her and agree to be friends, I might have to deal with her getting into relationships and setting me in an eternal friendzone. I can't deal with that. Desperation/clinginess/wearing my heart on my sleeve is what I've been doing, simply because it came natural to me. I'm still in love, and that love is killing me day by day.

So of course, I'm willing to follow through with what you've told me if it's going to be productive; however, it only involves my side of things. Should I reach out? If yes then how, and when should I do so? Or should I focus on improving myself and simply wait for her to reach out? What if she doesn't?

I apologize for the amount of questions, it's just getting her back is just extremely complicated, and I feel like every step I take is turning out negative.

[once removed]

okay. bottom line, you are playing a long game. are you up for that?

I can definitely try doing that, but at the same time I have to know how to get her to want back in the relationship.

there are no magic tricks or silver bullets to accomplish this any more than there would be for someone else. sometimes little games can work to get an exes attention, they dont really lend themselves to this situation. so your best bet is simply to appear as a mighty attractive option. this will not happen over night. it may not happen at all. youve gotta play the hand youre dealt.

remember, you broke up with her. a person that is broken up with, initially, will be more likely than not to get back into the relationship if the opportunity presents itself in a certain window of time. that happened. after more time, that particular window starts to close, as the person has begun to grieve, and doesnt want to put themselves in a situation where they might get hurt again (broken up with). youve pushed a bit, and at this stage, that will tend to push her away. its not the end of the world, though. she knows how you feel. you also dont have a lot of other options if you are going to refuse to be friends with her.

This goes against what I actually want, I want to be with her, but I don't control her. She wants to be with other people, she wants a new experience, and I want to know how to change that. We were madly in love for a year, and suddenly she sees me as a friend, in the span of a week.

remember, if you want her back, youre very likely going to have to play the long game. you may have to endure some of that. are you up for that?

I'm only following advice such as NC and acting cold, because she rejected me every time I showed love and spilled my heart out for her post breakup.

i understand. try not to think in extremes. "NC and acting cold" are as extreme as spilling your heart. they wont work. you are on to something, but you need a balance. think more in terms of "not chasing" and "not spilling your heart" as opposed to distance and coldness.

But this also raises some questions. How will she know I've rebuilt my life? Giving space sounds like going NC/LC, which is technically what I'm doing.

youre going to need to be in her life in some form or fashion in order for her to see it/know it. you will have to decide at what level you can/should be in her life. giving space really means you stop chasing, and use the opportunity to get grounded. its not indefinite, its just a cooling off period. it may or may not give her the opportunity to miss you. thats the difference.

If I come back to her and agree to be friends, I might have to deal with her getting into relationships and setting me in an eternal friendzone. I can't deal with that.

if you are playing the long game, you might have to deal with that, yes, since she has said its what she wants to do. she wants to date and have fun and keep things light, presumably. that in itself isnt a major threat to you, though it will hurt. but right now, getting back with you would be a more serious investment in her mind, and a risky one at that. shes going to need to believe that if she goes back, things will be different, and better, and no pressure.

its certainly true you dont want to get into a position where you are her source of emotional support, or someone to talk about other guys with. thats much more up to you than it is her. you simply dont get steered in that direction.

Should I reach out? If yes then how, and when should I do so? Or should I focus on improving myself and simply wait for her to reach out? What if she doesn't?

please do ask questions, its what we are here for; good questions, by the way. i would recommend giving/taking space for about a week or two. she might reach out, she might not. based on your last communication, it sounds like the lines are open, so she might. and if she doesnt, then yes, you probably should. as for how, it should be light and upbeat, and no pressure. we can work out what you want to send when that time comes, here on the board.

in the meantime? read through the lessons and tools to the right of the board. should things work out the way you want, you will need to be armed with knowledge, and a very different game plan than the previous relationship. if they dont work out the way you want, i can promise you that youll be using them for the rest of your life. and start getting active. youll want to be able to share some of these changes with her when the time comes.

[Nass11er]

okay. bottom line, you are playing a long game. are you up for that?

there are no magic tricks or silver bullets to accomplish this any more than there would be for someone else. sometimes little games can work to get an exes attention, they dont really lend themselves to this situation. so your best bet is simply to appear as a mighty attractive option. this will not happen over night. it may not happen at all. youve gotta play the hand youre dealt.

remember, you broke up with her. a person that is broken up with, initially, will be more likely than not to get back into the relationship if the opportunity presents itself in a certain window of time. that happened. after more time, that particular window starts to close, as the person has begun to grieve, and doesnt want to put themselves in a situation where they might get hurt again (broken up with). youve pushed a bit, and at this stage, that will tend to push her away. its not the end of the world, though. she knows how you feel. you also dont have a lot of other options if you are going to refuse to be friends with her.

remember, if you want her back, youre very likely going to have to play the long game. you may have to endure some of that. are you up for that?

i understand. try not to think in extremes. "NC and acting cold" are as extreme as spilling your heart. they wont work. you are on to something, but you need a balance. think more in terms of "not chasing" and "not spilling your heart" as opposed to distance and coldness.

youre going to need to be in her life in some form or fashion in order for her to see it/know it. you will have to decide at what level you can/should be in her life. giving space really means you stop chasing, and use the opportunity to get grounded. its not indefinite, its just a cooling off period. it may or may not give her the opportunity to miss you. thats the difference.

if you are playing the long game, you might have to deal with that, yes, since she has said its what she wants to do. she wants to date and have fun and keep things light, presumably. that in itself isnt a major threat to you, though it will hurt. but right now, getting back with you would be a more serious investment in her mind, and a risky one at that. shes going to need to believe that if she goes back, things will be different, and better, and no pressure.

its certainly true you dont want to get into a position where you are her source of emotional support, or someone to talk about other guys with. thats much more up to you than it is her. you simply dont get steered in that direction.

please do ask questions, its what we are here for; good questions, by the way. i would recommend giving/taking space for about a week or two. she might reach out, she might not. based on your last communication, it sounds like the lines are open, so she might. and if she doesnt, then yes, you probably should. as for how, it should be light and upbeat, and no pressure. we can work out what you want to send when that time comes, here on the board.

in the meantime? read through the lessons and tools to the right of the board. should things work out the way you want, you will need to be armed with knowledge, and a very different game plan than the previous relationship. if they dont work out the way you want, i can promise you that youll be using them for the rest of your life. and start getting active. youll want to be able to share some of these changes with her when the time comes.

I appreciate your answer. It clarified a lot of things; however, I have a terrible update regarding this post, that is just scaring me to hell.

[Nass11er]

I received a text from her today saying she just took 16 pills and she’s probably not gonna see me again, she just wants me to know that she loves me a lot and goodbye.

I only read this half an hour later and her phone was off. I contacted her sister and she said that my ex is ok, but she doesn’t want to discuss her issue any further (They had a fight and hate each other now).

I’m tripping balls right now.

[once removed]

any update?

[Nass11er]

any update?

Yeah, I assume she’s ok, since she read my replies to her texts today, even though she didn’t respond back. I replied out of shock when I read her post. She told me she took 16 pills, I love you and goodbye. I said “ur kidding me right, why? Anyways I don’t understand what’s going on so clarify things for me when you read this”. Her phone was off for two days, and she read my texts while I was asleep today, no reply though.