I can't do this alone anymore. I need help. Please tell me I'm not a bad mom.

[mominneedofhelp]

I need help.  My son exhibits signs of BPD.  I have dealt with the erratic behavior for years. He is destructive and abusive to his family.  We always have been there for him despite his continued attacks that noone is there for him.  He had a period of out lash last year and while he was apologetic I had hoped we would get through this Christmas with out incident.  Everyone around me tells me to turn my back on him but he is my son and I don't see it that easy.  He had a blow up this Christmas over something so simple as a comment that he didn't like. Once he blows there is no calming him down despite an apology just to calm him.  I have a grandson by my son and anytime I try to intervene he threatens I will no longer see my grandson whom I am very close to as I have pretty much raised him his four years of life.  I recently let my son move back home due to financial circumstances for him that left him no where to go.  I live walking on eggshells which I have learned to do very well.  However, when family comes into town for the holidays they are not so accommodating which set him off.  He has kicked holes in my wall and broke glass to "hurt" me for abandoning him.  Everything is so black and white with him.  He blows at the slightest thing and can't calm down.  I have no one that understands what I am dealing with.  I want to run away where he never finds me and at the same time can't turn my back on him when everyone one else doesn't understand.  I feel so alone.  Is there any help out there?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yorky]

 am so sorry hat you are going through such a tough time and I can honestly say I know exactly how you are feeling. You are not a bad Mom, quite the contrary you are giving the greatest gift to your son by not giving up on him !
I have an adult daughter(living at home too) who has recently been diagnosed and all hell has broken loose, physical attacks and the look of pure hatred on her face and threats is more than unsettling.
We have come to realise that our daughter is an extremely vulnerable person , we are relearning so much in how we approach her and how  to listen to her and her pain.
Importantly we are developing a crisis plan , how to keep safe is number one  and we make it clear when it’s not safe , I will often leave the home for a walk or drive. And wait for things to cool off.  Often this is when she can talk. When I am attacked she knows that a trusted friend will be told as I Refuse for this to be completely hidden as that perpetuates the abuse elements and ensures she has to take responsibility for her actions.
We never hope for her to not kick off instead we expect her to  therefore if she doesn’t it’s a bonus. Interestingly if we have visitors to the house this is a trigger , so we really only have people over who support us and understand . We have yet to call the police but this is in reserve and I expect it will not be long before we act on this.  In your case there is a child involved and their safety needs to be a priority and this can be tricky for us as this will  create issues of abandonment for our BPD child , so this needs further thinking , when your son goes off one is there another trusted adult who can step In for the grandchild and leave you to deal with your son?
The other thing to consider is how you are going to  look after yourself  compassion fatigue is real and we are our children’s number 1 resource. Look after yourself take a walk , have a hobby meet with friends, meditate,  pray what ever works for you. Do something for yourself everyday.
You are a good person and I know that this is an emotionally fuelled time of year , so keep things low key and have  realistic expectations for your son and yourself. Recovery is a long journey for our children and we are all learning .
Wishing you an uneventful New Year

[qcarolr]

He blows at the slightest thing and can't calm down.  I have no one that understands what I am dealing with.  I want to run away where he never finds me and at the same time can't turn my back on him when everyone one else doesn't understand.  I feel so alone.  Is there any help out there?

Hi mominneed,

I am so glad that you found us here. You are not alone, and we understand all of it. My BPD child is DD31. I first found this forum when she was 23 and newly dx'd with BPD. She has a lot of other issues as well, so success is hard for her to find at a deep level. My dh (dear hubby) and I have raised our gd (granddaughter) who is now 12. She has always lived in our home. Her mom has been in and out along with her various bf (boyfriend) relationships. We were continuously threatened with her taking gd away and never seeing her again. We gained legal custody when she was 18 months, and recently adopted her for financial reasons due to dh's retirement benefits. She still has a relationship with her mom, though bumpy at times. The threats became moot after we gained custody - then she would threaten to call CPS (child protective services). She has actually done this a couple times and we could show that her complaints were unfounded.

When I first came to bpdfamily I worked my way through the tools and lessons in the sidebar. I also read some of the books listed under foundational reading at the top right. And I kept coming back to share my story. I have grown an amazing amount since then. This has allowed me to become stronger in my self-reliance and gaining more courage to stay in connection with DD. Even when at times she was not allowed in our home -- she lived homeless a lot in the past 8 years. The good part is that things are better now. I know that my love for DD31 is unconditional -- nothing can take that love away. I know I need to keep even an tiny thread of connection to her -- and she needs to know that it is there always. Good boundaries about what I am willing to accept in my home. This is especially hard for you with you grandchild to consider. Gkids are innocent victims -- we have to protect them as we are able.

There have been too many distressing experiences with my gd present with her mom raging along with some of her friends. I know this has impacted her. Yet, she also has an unconditional love for her mom as she is protected by knowing I am here for her always. As a 12 year old she is entering that teen age time -- I am hopeful we can keep the lines of communication open.  I also have taken my gd to a therapist since she was 4 when we chose to get a restraining order to keep her mom out of the house after a violent episode. At the time I did not know what else to do. We have been fortunate to still have the same therapist working with gd with a trauma based focus -- love not fear rules the day.

As I have learned better ways to connect with my DD31 some of my extended family relationships have improved. It was amazing to me how judgemental a couple of my siblings (and sibling-in-laws) became. They disapproved of how we related to both our DD and gd. They truly believed the best was to completely sever ties with DD, and not allow contact with gd. In the depths of my being I knew this was not going to be the right path for us. I know that abandonment fears under gird all of DD's flipouts. Her blaming of me for all that is wrong in her life, her inability to hear anything I try to say to her at times, her throwing things, breaking things, threatening things. I also realize that she is having a panic attack often in these times of distress. I have learned here and in my own therapy changes needed in myself to be able to sincerely validate all these fears with DD. That is just one skill that has helped move our relationship in a new direction. Now remember -- I have been working on this all diligently for about 8 years. Accepting that I love her and always will and how to set safety boundaries with her shifted things about 5 years ago. Bit by bit, day by day things have gradually gotten more tolerable.

Sorry if I got going here too much. Please do not give up. You are a good mom, doing the best each day that you know how. Keep coming back to share you story. We care, We understand.

carol

[qcarolr]

A Quick note:  gaining custody of a grandchild is very difficult. We were fortunate to have  a couple miracles that allowed DD and the daddy to relinquish custody and then recently to relinquish parental rights. It is a tender balance with your son and his child to stay in connection. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
carol