The trauma ripped me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Trigger Warning:

Each time I think I am ahead, and free... .sometimes positive thinking/motivational talks seem to silence my pain further.
I feel like a feral child trying to navigate normal life. I feel like my mind is a prison. They imprisoned me so long, with threats of not eating intermingled with gifts and smiles... .
This disorder my mother has, she's a predator... .I realized this when I was doing things around the house and her voice echoed in my head... .I will do something and I hear her "evil ___" and the man she was with saying "now you wont eat" and suddenly just like that... .even though I cooked a meal I start to throw up in my mouth and feel I cannot eat...

My body holds all the trauma and horror... .that terrible animalistic life masked by professional upstanding citizens of society... .while I look like the crazy one... .they drag me through hell and now I've arrived to heaven but all I want to do is eat a bread crumb and sleep until I forget everything and float away.

I don't want advanced things like bungee jumping or walks in a park because even when I do those I dissociate and I don't remember

They Robbed me
They ripped me

I'm ripped into these pieces and I don't feel like talking about it with another professional... .
in a seat where I'm this microscopic patient and I'm again the one to be treated, medicated, cured... .
While the grim reaper stands behind me slicing my skin and I sit there... .taking medication , doing deep breathing exercises, to feel just a semblance of normal

I realized why it takes me so long to heal, because the torture and the torture intermingled with the acts of goodness spoiled it all for me, I'm either numb or in pain.
Im torn apart

I'm ripped and the rips are all over the place and my eyesight becomes sensitive and my legs hurt but nobody is hurting them.

I've become what they wanted me to be- some voodoo doll of trauma.

I tried to move on, I have  an apartment, I'm "free"... .only to learn my mind is now my new prison and they shut my doors and no matter how many motivational tapes and inspirational stories I read... .the death they breathed into me is real and I'm trying so hard to escape without looking insane.

How does one survive torture of 20 years... how

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Trigger Warning:

Each time I think I am ahead, and free... .sometimes positive thinking/motivational talks seem to silence my pain further.
I feel like a feral child trying to navigate normal life. I feel like my mind is a prison. They imprisoned me so long, with threats of not eating intermingled with gifts and smiles... .
This disorder my mother has, she's a predator... .I realized this when I was doing things around the house and her voice echoed in my head... .I will do something and I hear her "evil ___" and the man she was with saying "now you wont eat" and suddenly just like that... .even though I cooked a meal I start to throw up in my mouth and feel I cannot eat...

My body holds all the trauma and horror... .that terrible animalistic life masked by professional upstanding citizens of society... .while I look like the crazy one... .they drag me through hell and now I've arrived to heaven but all I want to do is eat a bread crumb and sleep until I forget everything and float away.

I don't want advanced things like bungee jumping or walks in a park because even when I do those I dissociate and I don't remember

They Robbed me
They ripped me

I'm ripped into these pieces and I don't feel like talking about it with another professional... .
in a seat where I'm this microscopic patient and I'm again the one to be treated, medicated, cured... .
While the grim reaper stands behind me slicing my skin and I sit there... .taking medication , doing deep breathing exercises, to feel just a semblance of normal

I realized why it takes me so long to heal, because the torture and the torture intermingled with the acts of goodness spoiled it all for me, I'm either numb or in pain.
Im torn apart

I'm ripped and the rips are all over the place and my eyesight becomes sensitive and my legs hurt but nobody is hurting them.

I've become what they wanted me to be- some voodoo doll of trauma.

I tried to move on, I have  an apartment, I'm "free"... .only to learn my mind is now my new prison and they shut my doors and no matter how many motivational tapes and inspirational stories I read... .the death they breathed into me is real and I'm trying so hard to escape without looking insane.

How does one survive torture of 20 years... how

[snowglobe]

Dear @Dontgiveuponme,
I’m sorry that you are in so much pain. Our childhood traumas are like ghosts, although we don’t see them all the time, they follow us, especially when we are in solitude. There are many questions I have, it would really help to understand the extent of your trauma. Can you tell a little more about your childhood, who was “the man” you mentioned, was denying you of food a form of punishment, is your mom still alive, are you still in contact. I can say that for me growing up with a BPD mother was the “normal”, I never knew different. It took years of therapy and research to understand that my current BPD relationships are the familiar dynamics that was always upheld by my mother. When I was a teenager, the was one particular ugly incident that sent me over the edge. Ironically, my current relationship is what saved me from the “iron maiden” grip of my mother. She is in my life very much so, but she doesn’t hold the same power over me and my mental well being. I look forward to learning about you soon.

[Harri]

Hi.  So sorry you are struggling with very vivid memories.  Keep telling yourself that remembering the horrid abuse you experienced is expected after finally freeing yourself from such an abusive mind-f*ck of an existence.  Remembering like you are does not mean you are broken beyond repair.  I promise.  It is a natural consequence of having fought your way out to a place where you are no longer in danger and where you are now safe to remember and heal.  It is a process, and it hurts and it is difficult but it does get better.

I can relate to a lot of the feelings you talk about here.  I lived with my parents until I was around 38.  13 years later and I am still working on healing though I had lots and lots of false starts and detours along the way where I was not able to work on my issues. 

I think the mind games and mental torture of the nice/mean are the hardest to see and overcome.  They twist and turn all around and the finest tendrils of the many mind-f*cks infested even the smallest parts of me. 

What you grew up with is horrible and it affected you deeply.  The thing is though, you are not broken.  The experiences shaped you but they do not define you, not now or ever.  You got away (so happy for you!) but like anything else, you are left with yourself.  There is so much to sort through and address that I can only encourage you to reach out for support more consistently here but also, and I think vital, is that you get some professional help.  Yes, it sucks that you were on the receiving end of the abuse and are now in a position of needing help.  Yes, it sucks.  But you are struggling.  If you can, get professional help from a psychologist (not a social worker - they do not have the proper training to help with such deep seated and pervasive abuse).

You escaped.  That took immense strength.  The next step is to deal with all of the residual crud that still exists.  Your thoughts, dreams, physical reactions are all signs that you are now free to work towards a better way of being.

I don't want to make this thread all about me, but (!) I can relate more than you may think.  For the longest time I had this wild, snarling, rabid beast on my back and I could feel his breath on the side of my neck making my skin crawl and I would feel nauseous.  After lots of work, that beast finally moved off my back, then he moved to stand a few feet behind me, and so on.  I still see him, but he is in another room now and I am facing him and I no longer feel sick and terrified.   I won't paint you a rosy picture as I do not want to mislead you.  It is hard work.  But you have proven time and again that you have strength and resilience.   

Don't give up on yourself.  You have a lot of people here who can stand beside you as you move through this. 

I am glad you reached out today.

[Kwamina]

How does one survive torture of 20 years... how

How? By doing what you did because you did just that: survive.

Yes you still have your struggles, but you are a survivor and surviving is the first step. When you look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse (right-hand side margin) you see that the guide is designed to help us develop from survivor to thriver. You've taken some very important steps by moving out and getting your own apartment. Yet after enduring what you've endured, it unfortunately does make sense that you would still find yourself facing certain struggles.

Like many of us on this board, you have internalized the negative voice of your abuser and developped a strong inner critic. Pete Walker has outlined steps to help people better deal with the inner critic:
Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD

I read your other post too and you are feeling quite triggered at the moment. What might help then are Pete Walker's steps for managing (emotional) flashbacks in the treatment of Complex PTSD:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

You've gotten some great responses from Snowglobe and Harri and like Harri said, it is tough, often very tough, yet progress can be made. Looking back over the years I see your progress and your resilience, you've kept on fighting and kept on trucking as our resident Panda39 would say. By surviving you've given yourself a chance. You're still in the game and as long as you're in it, you can win it.

After I moved out of my mother's house, was when my healing journey really started. While living with her it was very difficult to heal because I was living in a hostile environment adverse to growth and healing. Only after moving out could I really start to heal and for me too it has been a long and painful process in which I continue too have struggles, yet I have made progress.

Processing the abuse and healing from it isn't easy and takes time and indeed a whole lot of hard work. You have opened up new opportunities for yourself now and I am really glad you continue to reach out here as you continue to heal and grow  Being able to express your feelings and thoughts so eloquently as you do is already a sign of growth and will also help you as you work on healing yourself.

[Kwamina]

Happy New Year DontGiveUpOnMe   and of course also to Snowglobe and Harri  

You were quite triggered when making your last two posts. How are you feeling now?

The Board Parrot