Hello from the other side...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sadly, heartbreakingly, after five and a half years, I’m now in the “After” sections of these boards. I wanted to say thank you for all of you who helped me through a very hard part of my life, in a way that most people couldn’t possibly understand (I know I couldn’t have). Friends and family see a lot of what happens, they see the crazy outbursts and irrational behaviors, but they don’t understand why we stay. I often felt like I was the only person to ever really see who she really is, in her entirety. I knew what the good was that I was fighting for, but I know how difficult that is to see from the outside. To talk to and listen to you folks provided me with a unique source of understanding that I truly couldn’t find anywhere else, and that outlet, that support was a lifeline in some pretty desperate moments. Really, thank you all so much. Even if we never exchanged a single word, I’ve read so many of your stories and each of them has helped in some way.

While my story didn’t have the happy ending that I had wanted so very, very much, I would like to share some thoughts born from the final stretch of my relationship: the therapeutic separation.

Obviously, it didn’t quite work. But, I am very glad we tried it. While we were living together, despite the very first mandate from at least three therapists that we saw together, she refused to respect “stop”. No matter how I asked her, a hundred million times, she would follow me from room to room, harassing me and escalating the conflict. I would leave the house whenever I could, but it wasn’t always practically possible. As a result, sometimes I would get to the point that I would say anything to get her to leave me alone. Sometimes, I would say some terrible things. I do, and will always regret those things. I wish I would have tried harder to leave. I wish I didn’t let myself get to the breaking point. Yes, she said some awful things too, and yes, it was under extreme duress, but she is mentally ill. I am not.

Over the last year, however, leaving, each and every time, was always an option. It was an option I exercised on our very first date night. And second. And I believe third too. I would guess that about 50% of our date nights would end with me recognizing things were getting out of control, telling her I was approaching the exit point, and after no course correction on her part, actually leaving. I set clear cut boundaries, I communicated those boundaries consistently and clearly, and I 100% followed through with every enforcement of them.

Despite finally getting into a DBT group for the last six months or so of the relationship, she never implemented any skills when she needed to. As I spoke to therapists to arrange the couples counseling portion of the separation agreement, they said she had to meet a minimum standard of progress from the DBT first, as counseling, as I’m sure many of you have realized, can be very triggering in and of itself. She needed to be able to exhibit some distress tolerance. I asked my favorite candidate, who specializes in couples counseling with BPD couples, how I could tell when she was ready, what metric might I use? She suggested that if we could complete the conversations outlined in “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson, that that would be a good indicator that she was ready. I bought two copies. I read mine. She didn’t read hers. I bought it on Audible. I told her she could use my account to listen to it. She didn’t.

When one full year had passed since the beginning of the separation, and I realized that there had been no progress at all on her part, I knew that that was it. I truly had done everything I could. I didn’t need her to be perfect, but I did need her to try, to make some progress, but she never did.

She may not have used that time wisely, but I did. That space was a Godsend. It allowed me the perspective and objectivity to really consciously choose my interactions with her. In that entire last year, I can honestly say that there is not one single moment that I was not proud of my behavior. Looking back, I wish we had done it sooner. I don’t think it would have ultimately changed the outcome, but it would have saved me years of pain and many personal regrets.

I would have liked it to have worked out. I really wish that she had held up her end, but I can’t do anything about that. This was the second best outcome, which looking back now is no small thing: it removed the doubt of my final decision from my mind.

At least I can say that I’ve tried.

[DogMan75]

Sadly, heartbreakingly, after five and a half years, I’m now in the “After” sections of these boards. I wanted to say thank you for all of you who helped me through a very hard part of my life, in a way that most people couldn’t possibly understand (I know I couldn’t have). Friends and family see a lot of what happens, they see the crazy outbursts and irrational behaviors, but they don’t understand why we stay. I often felt like I was the only person to ever really see who she really is, in her entirety. I knew what the good was that I was fighting for, but I know how difficult that is to see from the outside. To talk to and listen to you folks provided me with a unique source of understanding that I truly couldn’t find anywhere else, and that outlet, that support was a lifeline in some pretty desperate moments. Really, thank you all so much. Even if we never exchanged a single word, I’ve read so many of your stories and each of them has helped in some way.

While my story didn’t have the happy ending that I had wanted so very, very much, I would like to share some thoughts born from the final stretch of my relationship: the therapeutic separation.

Obviously, it didn’t quite work. But, I am very glad we tried it. While we were living together, despite the very first mandate from at least three therapists that we saw together, she refused to respect “stop”. No matter how I asked her, a hundred million times, she would follow me from room to room, harassing me and escalating the conflict. I would leave the house whenever I could, but it wasn’t always practically possible. As a result, sometimes I would get to the point that I would say anything to get her to leave me alone. Sometimes, I would say some terrible things. I do, and will always regret those things. I wish I would have tried harder to leave. I wish I didn’t let myself get to the breaking point. Yes, she said some awful things too, and yes, it was under extreme duress, but she is mentally ill. I am not.

Over the last year, however, leaving, each and every time, was always an option. It was an option I exercised on our very first date night. And second. And I believe third too. I would guess that about 50% of our date nights would end with me recognizing things were getting out of control, telling her I was approaching the exit point, and after no course correction on her part, actually leaving. I set clear cut boundaries, I communicated those boundaries consistently and clearly, and I 100% followed through with every enforcement of them.

Despite finally getting into a DBT group for the last six months or so of the relationship, she never implemented any skills when she needed to. As I spoke to therapists to arrange the couples counseling portion of the separation agreement, they said she had to meet a minimum standard of progress from the DBT first, as counseling, as I’m sure many of you have realized, can be very triggering in and of itself. She needed to be able to exhibit some distress tolerance. I asked my favorite candidate, who specializes in couples counseling with BPD couples, how I could tell when she was ready, what metric might I use? She suggested that if we could complete the conversations outlined in “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson, that that would be a good indicator that she was ready. I bought two copies. I read mine. She didn’t read hers. I bought it on Audible. I told her she could use my account to listen to it. She didn’t.

When one full year had passed since the beginning of the separation, and I realized that there had been no progress at all on her part, I knew that that was it. I truly had done everything I could. I didn’t need her to be perfect, but I did need her to try, to make some progress, but she never did.

She may not have used that time wisely, but I did. That space was a Godsend. It allowed me the perspective and objectivity to really consciously choose my interactions with her. In that entire last year, I can honestly say that there is not one single moment that I was not proud of my behavior. Looking back, I wish we had done it sooner. I don’t think it would have ultimately changed the outcome, but it would have saved me years of pain and many personal regrets.

I would have liked it to have worked out. I really wish that she had held up her end, but I can’t do anything about that. This was the second best outcome, which looking back now is no small thing: it removed the doubt of my final decision from my mind.

At least I can say that I’ve tried.

[valet]

Hey dogman, sorry for your loss. It sounds like you fought really hard to stay grounded during the relationship, especially towards the end.

In some ways, I have similar feelings about my ex. We were together for 2.5 years, and tried to make a friendship work for another 1.5. But she didn't get better, didn't change, and there was never accountability on her end for all of the hurt she had/was causing me.

I know that it hurts like heck. It might continue to for a while. But like yourself, I learned so much from the experience. I can't say that I regret it.

That said, I understand what you mean when you say you wish you had broken things off earlier. Try not to forget how invested you were. I feel that in some odd way, I understand my ex better now than I ever could have if we had stayed together. Like you, I've seen her from every angle, and consequently, now that I understand what was going on back then, I realize that it's not something I'd want to try again. So, there's peace there. It's over now, and we don't have to go back to that way of life anymore.

I wish you the best. Keep coming back to the boards if you feel you need to talk about anything!

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you did everything the best way you could, DogMan. You gave it your best shot and she didn't try. Hope 2018 is a better year for you.     

[hope2727]

So sorry for your loss. So impressed by your tenacity. At least you can move forward in life knowing you tried everything you could. I hope your upcoming years will be filled with peace and love. You deserve it.