It’s a New Year and big changes are happening for me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone, Happy New Year! I really hope this is a great year for everyone here. This officially marks the start of my second year here at bpdfamily. This site has meant so much to me, and I hope you all feel similarly.

I’m starting the year with a pretty bad feeling about things. My wife has made it clear she’s done with our marriage. It’s hard to describe, but she’s seized on the idea that I never loved her in 18 years, and, her words, “only ever wanted to step on her neck” and keep her down. She asks me a dozen times a day why I would want to do that. Why would I want to keep her out of grad school? Why would I want to carry our daughter to my mother like a trophy? Why would I want to sabotage our finances on purpose to teach her a lesson?

It used to be that I’d JADE when these things came up. And at times like this, it would be hours and hours of JADE. Eventually I’d convince her I wasn’t so evil, or that’s what I thought at least. It’s been one of the hardest things to realize that I never really did have that kind of influence. Eventually her emotions would shift on their own and suddenly my talking would seem to get through. But I can’t “take credit” for influencing her any more than I can take credit for the weather outside.

So that brings me to today when, having stopped the JADE and detaching myself from the drama, I’m sitting with a front row seat to the end of my marriage. I’m really struggling with this; I feel lonely, helpless, panicked sometimes. I feel like running into her room right now and rescuing this again, but I won’t. It’s hard. But it’s happening.

In the next week I have plans to see a couple of therapists and a lawyer. At the end of the week, my wife is going away for two weeks. She’s taking her mother and our daughter. I plan on joining them for the second week of their trip. So that gives me a week alone to try and sort things out. I’m going to do my best to be productive and figure out as much as I can. Maybe there’s some hope if I can only figure out how best to approach it without resorting to rescuing and JADEing.

Fingers crossed.

Thanks for listening everyone - I hope your year is going great so far!

[DaddyBear77]

Hey everyone, Happy New Year! I really hope this is a great year for everyone here. This officially marks the start of my second year here at bpdfamily. This site has meant so much to me, and I hope you all feel similarly.

I’m starting the year with a pretty bad feeling about things. My wife has made it clear she’s done with our marriage. It’s hard to describe, but she’s seized on the idea that I never loved her in 18 years, and, her words, “only ever wanted to step on her neck” and keep her down. She asks me a dozen times a day why I would want to do that. Why would I want to keep her out of grad school? Why would I want to carry our daughter to my mother like a trophy? Why would I want to sabotage our finances on purpose to teach her a lesson?

It used to be that I’d JADE when these things came up. And at times like this, it would be hours and hours of JADE. Eventually I’d convince her I wasn’t so evil, or that’s what I thought at least. It’s been one of the hardest things to realize that I never really did have that kind of influence. Eventually her emotions would shift on their own and suddenly my talking would seem to get through. But I can’t “take credit” for influencing her any more than I can take credit for the weather outside.

So that brings me to today when, having stopped the JADE and detaching myself from the drama, I’m sitting with a front row seat to the end of my marriage. I’m really struggling with this; I feel lonely, helpless, panicked sometimes. I feel like running into her room right now and rescuing this again, but I won’t. It’s hard. But it’s happening.

In the next week I have plans to see a couple of therapists and a lawyer. At the end of the week, my wife is going away for two weeks. She’s taking her mother and our daughter. I plan on joining them for the second week of their trip. So that gives me a week alone to try and sort things out. I’m going to do my best to be productive and figure out as much as I can. Maybe there’s some hope if I can only figure out how best to approach it without resorting to rescuing and JADEing.

Fingers crossed.

Thanks for listening everyone - I hope your year is going great so far!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi DB, that's a tough way to start the year. Whether or not your wife follows through on her threat, this must be very painful time. I'm very glad you'll have some time to yourself to sort things through. Hope you can use it to the maximum benefit.

Have you considering that your wife's actions on your marriage are the result (trigger not cause) of you starting to detach and not JADE or rescue, which probably affirmed her negative thoughts about you rather than pushed her to take on responsibility for her part in things? As someone standing outside the situation, I still don't see her resolve towards leaving, even though she did before in the past. What do you think? 

[SlyQQ]

Good Luck , hope it gets better whatever the outcome.

Your JADEing was taken as a symbol that you loved her, regardless of the topic which she no doubt ultimately would decide she was right about, People with BPD are always looking for you to prove you love them, something you will never succeed in doing, there are temporary fixes but in the end they are just that temporary,

[ortac77]

Good Luck , hope it gets better whatever the outcome.

Your JADEing was taken as a symbol that you loved her, regardless of the topic which she no doubt ultimately would decide she was right about, People with BPD are always looking for you to prove you love them, something you will never succeed in doing, there are temporary fixes but in the end they are just that temporary,


Amen to that! I have had to reach the same conclusion, it seems to me that people with BPD 'know' themselves to be unlovable, it is a bottomless pit that they seek another to fill, whatever you do it might temporarily ease their pain but it will not work.

My partner has spent the holiday season in a wallow of self pity, coupled with a constant stream of how hopeless and helpless he is, this gets projected as I don't love him enough, never show I care, spend too much time at work etc, etc. Because I have refused to JADE, he has helped himself to liberal amounts of booze as an alternative.

Thus things are coming to a head, the more I detach the more I don't react the more he has to face himself - sure its tough on me, want to rush in and solve it all but it has never worked and this time I must be strong - for me. I wish you all the best in 2018 - this is a year of change

[fontinalis]

DaddyBear77, reading your post here and looking up JADE was an "ah ha!" moment for me. I can empathize deeply with what you are going through. I have the strongest urges to rescue my wife still... .I wish you the best of luck with getting through this. I'm glad you shared this. It helped me to be more mindful.

[Radcliff]

Hello DB, I'm sorry times are tough, but that week alone will be very useful.  If you can find yourself a solid therapist and lawyer who you work well with, it will improve your situation considerably.  It may well take longer than a week to find them, but you can get a good start.  You must fill those roles with the right folks.  Re-read the part in Splitting about finding a lawyer.  Look for people to get referrals from.  I started by talking to a couple of collaborative practice lawyers, and when I realized that didn't work well with BPD, I asked them for referrals to other lawyers, saying I wanted one with a lot of range -- from low-conflict negotiation to court combat.  I needed to have someone who could handle the worst, but who would not escalate, who would work with me to find the healthiest resolution.  I talked to about half a dozen lawyers.  The one I found impressed me in two ways quickly -- she listened well, appearing like she'd be good to work with collaboratively, and she was excellent at returning phone calls and communicating with me.  She is one of two partners in a small practice, with 3-4 associates and a couple of paralegals.  This seems ideal.  Not a solo operator with no support, and not a huge firm.  Oh, and another thing I noticed early is that my lawyer was super efficient and honest about billing.  When I was talking to her, she'd cut me off if I'd already made my point (at what she charges, I loved her for it -- it wasn't rude!   When we were first getting started, there were a few phone calls she didn't charge me for at all.  I watch the bills now, but I trust her because of how she has behaved from Day 1.

Another thing I want to emphasize -- getting a family lawyer is not a statement that you want a divorce.  It is not a betrayal.  You don't need to tell your wife about it.  Given the situation you are in, it is what you need to do to look out for yourself and your daughter.  It helps you understand the strengths of your position and what your options are.  For example, if I'd know years ago what I know now, I might have been much more assertive than I was with my wife.  One of her main threats was that she'd divorce me and I'd barely see the kids.  I know now that in our state, especially with documentation of her behavior, I could have had a very strong case for 50/50 custody years ago.  Being able to push back with confidence might have given me the ability to get her to therapy sooner.  I'm not saying this is what you should do, just that getting a solid lawyer educates you about the range of options you have.  But you'll get the most help from someone who isn't just about breaking up marriages.  I've been amazed and impressed at my lawyer's willingness to work with me to set up circumstances that allow the possibility for the marriage to continue.  Perhaps in your case, that involves an idea like separation papers instead of divorce papers, signalling you're serious and establishing a strong case for custody without saying you want to split up the marriage for good.  That particular idea isn't important, it's more that the home run is a lawyer who will brainstorm with you and think of options and strategies that might achieve your aims.  If I were you, I'd be willing to modulate the timing of my relationship with my wife to buy time to find an outstanding lawyer.

In response to my wife's threats, I found my lawyer about a year before eventually serving a restraining order.  I knew I didn't want to find one in a panic in response to a restraining order or divorce papers served on me by my wife.  It takes months to hire top talent at work, so I approached this the same way.  I met with her for an hour to start, then every three months or so when my wife's threats got particularly convincing, I'd talk to her on the phone for 15 minutes.  By the time things finally hit the fan, we knew each other pretty well, which is exactly how I'd intended it.  Had things not worked out, I would have had a chance to upgrade.

Good luck with the search for a lawyer.  By doing so, you are not searching for a way to end your marriage.  You are searching for a way to deal from a position of strength, to chart the best path for your family, whatever that may be.

WW 

p.s.  You totally need to think of some movies to watch while your wife is away that you'll never get to watch when your wife is home.  I saw ":)arkest Hour" in the theater recently -- it was great.  Also, check out the old movie, "Midway" -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMrVTMRbtJg&t=54s.  I watched it with D12 believe it or not, and it was awesome!  There's always John Wayne Movies like Stagecoach and True Grit.  And of course, this one is the absolute best:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-xtJYIwfYo
I absolutely guarantee you will like that last one!

[an0ught]

Hi DeadyBear77,

My wife has made it clear she’s done with our marriage. It’s hard to describe, but she’s seized on the idea that I never loved her in 18 years, and, her words, “only ever wanted to step on her neck” and keep her down.

This is almost textbook fear of abandonment. Rather than dealing with changes and working through them the best course to avoid the pain of abandonment is for her to run  .  Keep in mind that while she can say whatever she wants she is still strongly attached.

Going from too close and enmeshed to a relationship where there are healthy boundaries and connection is a difficult process for both sides. Boundaries can trigger fear of abandonment. Validation is the tool for nurturing a healthy connection. Balancing the two in a storm that impacts us so much is never easy but important.

It is good that she is taking a break. Some distance can help cooling things down. It is also very good to protect yourself. When communicating with her keep in mind that she fear being unloved and left more than anything. Avoid telling her that you love her too often as this would be invalidating. Spelling out her valid and painful fear is not easy, validating fear of abandonment sucks 

Take good care of yourself. No matter how this goes the drama returns and you have every right to enjoy the break 

[Radcliff]

Hello DB, an0ught makes some very good points.  Do not assume this is the end.  There will likely be many more cycles.  Any change is more likely to come from you.  I was astonished at how many times my wife could announce that this time it was really the end.  On the 401st time, she'd up the ante and somehow be even more convincing than on the 400th.  Part of me was terrified, part of me knew that she was enjoying the childish privilege of being able to act out while she relied on me to be the adult and protect her from consequences, and the rest of me was just frazzled and exhausted.

So while the initial drive to talk to a lawyer may have come from a fear that this is the end, follow through on lawyer selection so that you can choose the path for your family from a position of knowledge and strength.  Your wife may well flip white again before you've found your lawyer.  Stick with it.

WW

[Notwendy]

DB, the patterns between you and your wife although difficult- are familiar to both of you. It is in a way a pattern of comfort because it is predictable- at least to her. She can make an accusation- either out of fear, or habit- and get a response from you- JADE, try to fix, apologize- etc. If you have stopped doing this as much, then she isn't getting the response she is used to getting. It's uncomfortable.

Both of you brought a set of relationship tools to the relationship. You may be learning and using new ones- she has her same set of tools. If the hammer ( accusations) worked for her, then she's going to keep hammering. If the hammer isn't seeming to work as well- then she only still has the hammer- she's going to hammer harder until she figures out it isn't - and needs to try something else maybe.

Have you considered that one of her "tools" to get what she wants is manipulation? Somehow- the things she says to you have gotten results for her- material thing, you being compliant. Why wouldn't she keep doing what works for her?

Your task is to decide your boundaries and what you wish to tolerate. The things she says to you are not true. I hope that you gain some clarity while you have some time to yourself.

[pearlsw]

Hi DaddyBear77,

I am on the cusp of my relationship ending too, and he is away for a bit. I am just trying to relax and study and brace myself for what may be coming this weekend... .I can certainly relate to "lonely... .and panicked."  I am trying to release the panic because I'm sick and tired of what it is doing to me physically and I don't deserve this stuff. I'm an introvert so I can handle lonely fairly well.

I can't decide if it is time to detach or... .what. I know I still really wish things could work, but they may be past the point of possible.

So, in short, I feel your pain and hope you are able to make the best of this time as you can. Does it mean anything that you are meeting her and your daughter for the second part of the trip? Or is it just going through the motions?

wishing you as much happiness as you can get your hands on! 

[Notwendy]

Honestly- I'd be concerned about joining her and the mother in law a week into the trip. This sounds like a potential drama triangle- especially if she has been saying the same things to her mother that she said to you. Also, it would be very difficult to deal with conflicts between the two of you in close quarters ( a hotel? ) with MIL and your child present.

It is up to you, but a two week break for you could be a chance to get some rest, gather your thoughts and get a break from relationship conflict. It also gives you some time to see the therapist and lawyer.

I agree that seeing a lawyer does not mean taking action to dissolve your marriage if you are not wishing to do this. However, it does give you information about your options should either of you make this choice. It also helps to know the laws in your state. Should one of you move out- is this abandonment? You have mentioned being concerned your wife would take off with another man, or with your D, and there could be legal consequences to that. Since your wife frequently threatens divorce, to me, it would be a good idea to understand the process and laws in your state.

Ironically- your wife fears you would run off with your D and your mother. She;s taking a trip with your D and her mother. This isn't saying she would do this- but she may fantasize about it and assume you are too ( projection). I don't think they are running off together any more than you would let your mother take your D, but she may think about it.