An Opportunity to Resume Contact?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been NC with my sister, who has some strong BPD trait. (Could possibly qualify as a high functioning BPD).  I received a Christmas card from her, that arrived the day after Christmas.  She wrote, "My house is always open to you". Is this an olive branch, or another opportunity to smear the messy olives on the sidewalk?

We live only 10 miles away from each other, but we haven't celebrated any holidays together for 4 years now.  I had managed to stay out of her crosshairs, until around 4 years ago, when she initially split me black.

My sister had been taking an antidepressent, which was prescribed by her primary care doctor.  Around 4 years ago, she started exhibiting frequent emotional dysregulation, after some stressful events.  She refused to get any counseling, saying "nothing wrong with her".  I became her scapegoat, her target.

Splitting was hard for me to understand, but I finally got it.  After reading about many similar accounts, I came to understand that some people with BPD behaviors can seem like upstanding members of the community, workplace or perhaps a church.  Their dirty little secret is unleashed on a specific target (s).

I've resumed contact with my sister on a couple of occasions, without discussing specific behaviors/events.  One time, we both showed up at a gathering we were both scheduled to attend and continued interaction, as if nothing happened.  Another time, I received an apology, but no specific were discussed about what had happened and what she was apologizing for.

At the moment, the only way I would entertain resuming contact with my sister would be to have her participate in some joint counseling sessions first (with a neutral therapist).  I've gone to my own therapy and that is where it was suggested that my sister's behavior could indicate a personality disorder.

I guess I'll take some time to think about it.  I can draft a letter (suited for snail mail), then sit on it for awhile.  I might revise it a couple of times, send it or maybe just throw it away.  Right now, I have some peace of mind in that I'm not dreading that I will get an email, a phone call or a text from her.

I need some hope for a better outcome, before resuming contact.  I'm not expecting a miracle.  I have my own boundaries.  I've studied many of the communication skills.  I just can't go another round, if she can't acknowledge her anger issues and at least make an attempt to gain some skills to manage it better.

I know I can't change my sister or her behaviors.  She has to want to change and be open to examine her behaviors.  Unless she can acknowledge she has problems managing her anger, she won't consider learning about anger management. 

I don't really have a specific question, so I guess I'm just sharing my situation.  I've found that so many of our stories are similar.  I've read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I tend to think that most of us will always be walking on some eggshells, no matter how skilled we might get with using all the right communication skills and strategy.  I guess NC is the only true way to stop waling on eggshells.

[No-One]

I've been NC with my sister, who has some strong BPD trait. (Could possibly qualify as a high functioning BPD).  I received a Christmas card from her, that arrived the day after Christmas.  She wrote, "My house is always open to you". Is this an olive branch, or another opportunity to smear the messy olives on the sidewalk?

We live only 10 miles away from each other, but we haven't celebrated any holidays together for 4 years now.  I had managed to stay out of her crosshairs, until around 4 years ago, when she initially split me black.

My sister had been taking an antidepressent, which was prescribed by her primary care doctor.  Around 4 years ago, she started exhibiting frequent emotional dysregulation, after some stressful events.  She refused to get any counseling, saying "nothing wrong with her".  I became her scapegoat, her target.

Splitting was hard for me to understand, but I finally got it.  After reading about many similar accounts, I came to understand that some people with BPD behaviors can seem like upstanding members of the community, workplace or perhaps a church.  Their dirty little secret is unleashed on a specific target (s).

I've resumed contact with my sister on a couple of occasions, without discussing specific behaviors/events.  One time, we both showed up at a gathering we were both scheduled to attend and continued interaction, as if nothing happened.  Another time, I received an apology, but no specific were discussed about what had happened and what she was apologizing for.

At the moment, the only way I would entertain resuming contact with my sister would be to have her participate in some joint counseling sessions first (with a neutral therapist).  I've gone to my own therapy and that is where it was suggested that my sister's behavior could indicate a personality disorder.

I guess I'll take some time to think about it.  I can draft a letter (suited for snail mail), then sit on it for awhile.  I might revise it a couple of times, send it or maybe just throw it away.  Right now, I have some peace of mind in that I'm not dreading that I will get an email, a phone call or a text from her.

I need some hope for a better outcome, before resuming contact.  I'm not expecting a miracle.  I have my own boundaries.  I've studied many of the communication skills.  I just can't go another round, if she can't acknowledge her anger issues and at least make an attempt to gain some skills to manage it better.

I know I can't change my sister or her behaviors.  She has to want to change and be open to examine her behaviors.  Unless she can acknowledge she has problems managing her anger, she won't consider learning about anger management. 

I don't really have a specific question, so I guess I'm just sharing my situation.  I've found that so many of our stories are similar.  I've read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I tend to think that most of us will always be walking on some eggshells, no matter how skilled we might get with using all the right communication skills and strategy.  I guess NC is the only true way to stop waling on eggshells.

[Kwamina]

Hi No-One

Dealing with BPD family-members often indeed does remain tough, especially if the person does not acknowledge the issues and is unwilling to commit to treatment/therapy.

Taking time to think about how you want to move forward sounds like a good idea to me.

At the moment, the only way I would entertain resuming contact with my sister would be to have her participate in some joint counseling sessions first (with a neutral therapist).
... .
I need some hope for a better outcome, before resuming contact.  I'm not expecting a miracle.  I have my own boundaries.  I've studied many of the communication skills.  I just can't go another round, if she can't acknowledge her anger issues and at least make an attempt to gain some skills to manage it better.

Has your sister in the past ever shown any true insights into her own hurtful behavior and how this negatively affects other people?

Were there ever moments that she expressed or you felt any openess from her to the idea of getting help?

I sense from your post that in spite of everything you've been through with your sister, you still would want to have a relationship with her if her behavior would improve. Perhaps that day will still come that your sister comes to new insights about herself and commits to better managing her difficult thougfhts and emotions. Ultimately, that is indeed up to her though as you also point out.

Hope is sometimes all we have, yet remaining hopeful can be very difficult when faced with the reality of BPD. I would say your best hope for a better outcome is by focusing on the part you can control, your own behavior and responses. This is also what you have been doing by studying the tools and setting boundaries. Protecting yourself is key and if you feel you can't go for another round, that is ok too. Knowing your own limits and boundaries is crucial.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[No-One]

Kwamina:
Thanks so much for your response!  I really appreciate your input.

Has your sister in the past ever shown any true insights into her own hurtful behavior and how this negatively affects other people?

There were multiple episodes of my sister hanging up the phone in the middle of a conversation, because of emotional dysregulation (usually after a difference of opinion on something extremely minor).  On one occasion, I asked her about this behavior and her reply was, "I can't help it".  She always becomes defensive and lashes back in a hurtful manner.

If she has insight, she hasn't been willing to discuss it with me. We can't get beyond her being defensive and making comments like, "your aren't perfect either".  Then, there is the run down of everything she hates about you.  Also, she exhibits projection.  That was a hard one for me to understand, but I finally put the pieces of that puzzle together after reading several posts and some literature.  She tends to be high functioning in her social life.  I doubt that anyone in her social group, has shared any of my experiences.  Actually, I believe that she has convinced some of her friends that I'm the one with a problem.

Historically, she has always tended to find someone to blame for things.  I've come to realize that I practiced LC with her for a number of years in the past, without labeling it.  For a number of years, I reduced the frequency of phone conversations with her, as they were mostly filled with her venting about her Ex and complaining about her children.

Were there ever moments that she expressed or you felt any openess from her to the idea of getting help?

She gets her antidepressents from her primary care doctor.  A few years ago, during a stressful period for her, she made multiple visits to her doctor. (for things that could be labeled "stress related".  She mentioned to me that her doctor told her it was time for her to get some counseling.  I suspect she approached her doctor for a prescription for benzos.  My response to her was that some counseling sounded like good advice.  Her response was, "I don't need counseling. So, that discussion was promptly dismissed.

I can draft a letter.  If I send it, I can then see what type of response I get.   I just can't go another round of her responding with a list of what she hates about me and saying "you aren't perfect either".  Got to have something to work with.

[No-One]

I talked to my therapist about the Christmas Card. Her opinion, as to the only way to reply to it, is to just send a simple reply back to say something like, "Let's meet for dinner out sometime".  She says that any attempt to try and talk about past behaviors, won't lead to anything other than further conflict.

She, also, told me that trying to get my sister to go to joint therapy sessions, with a neutral therapist, wouldn't likely be successful.  My therapist doesn't do couples or family counseling, but she sometimes refers her clients to someone else in her office who does.  She says that the usual outcome is that one of the participants quits going and ends up believing that the therapist is taking sides.

So, from my therapist's perspective, the only relationship possible is one of limited contact, with boundaries and pleanty of communication skils and strategy on my part.  Since some of the stressful situations my sister encountered have run their course, she might exhibit better behaviors.

I don't know if I can suck it up and respond to the Christmas card, as if nothing happened and the awful things my sister did and said didn't happen.  I'm going to have to let some time pass. 

I know I need to find it in my heart to forgive her and that forgiveness is for my benefit.  I have forgiven her in the past, and started anew (with no discussion of what happened).  I guess I'm not ready for another round yet.  As the behaviors level up, it gets harder to forgive.  If she weren't a sibling, I wouldn't even consider future contact.  But even after forgiving her, I don't know if I'd ever want to see her in person and share time with her.

[Turkish]

Talking about past behaviors indeed isn't likely to fly.  PwBPD can have trouble with memory,  but the more significant behavior is avoiding shame. 

the only relationship possible is one of limited contact, with boundaries and pleanty of communication skils and strategy on my part

Most likely this. 

I don't have siblings.  I like to think ideally about being a sibling,  but I see issues with my friends and their siblings,  including one friend whose sister is dBPD (and dOther Illnesses).

[No-One]

Thanks for your input, Turkish!  I hadn't thought about "shame" being an issue. Now that you mention it, I can see how she would react defensively.

I guess what I struggle with is the fact that we share the same genetics and both have issues with anxiety and depression. Actually, if you compared our younger years, my sister was more socially adapted then me.  I was always socially akward and shy & very much a "people pleaser".

I've often thought that if I did a do over of my childhood, with today's logic, I'd be diagnosed with something like aspergers.  When you are young, you don't know what you don't know.  It's easy to think that anxiety and depression are normal.  You don't know that for the most part, others aren't struggling in that way.

I see that my sister and I have made different choices.  I have always searched for a better way to handle things: hypnosis, biofeedback, meditation and striving for a better emotional intelligence. My sister hasn't done any of that.

Based on my personal history, I struggling with the logic that "she is sick and can't help it".  I see a lot of her behaviors as a choice.  I could have well let myself go down the same path she has (and even could have been seen as more inclined to evolve towards BPD). 

If I didn't have my own struggles, I could more easily embrace that my sister can't help herself. I guess I'll be struggling with this for awhile longer.

 

[Fie]

Hello No-one  


So sorry for what you are facing. It's hard isn't it.  

If you decide to write your sister a letter and are doubting about the correct tone, you could post a draft of your letter here if you want. So people can give you their advice and opinion.

I know I need to find it in my heart to forgive her

Personally I don't think you 'need' to do anything. The only thing you need to do is taking care of yourself.

No contact does not have to be forever. You can take some breathing space for as long as you want, without having to decide it's indefinite. When you feel better and more up for it, you can always resume contact if you think then it's a good idea for you.

Maybe now you just need to give yourself a break ?

[No-One]

Personally I don't think you 'need' to do anything. The only thing you need to do is taking care of yourself.

No contact does not have to be forever. You can take some breathing space for as long as you want, without having to decide it's indefinite. When you feel better and more up for it, you can always resume contact if you think then it's a good idea for you.

Maybe now you just need to give yourself a break ?

Fie:

Thanks for your response.  You are right.  Taking a break and putting things on the back burner is probably my best option right now.

Any attempt I might make to discuss specific events and issues would probably be frustrating for me and lead to a  dead end. If I decide to respond to her some day (and resume contact as if nothing happened), I probably need to radically accept that she is who she is and what happened happened and I'll never get a chance to discuss the issues.

Some day, I might be up to a superficial relationship, with an occasional meet up in public - perhaps for a meal and a movie.  We could discuss the movie and the weather, and perhaps other superficial things.  Right now, I'm not up to playing that role.  Perhaps at some point in the future, I'll change my mind.
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