Husband w/ 4 kids - realized wife has BPD & want to start addressing it

[HopingForBetter84]

Hi everyone. My wife and I have been married for about 7 years. We have 4 beautiful awesome kids. When we met it was a whirlwind romance where we both said "I love you" the day after we met, and she was pregnant within a few months. While I do believe we love each other very much, after researching BPD I realize that's a common occurrence with people who have the disorder. (On a related note, she's literally one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in person - with no exaggeration) Our relationship has been like a never-ending rollercoaster.

I recently realized that I was depressed and my life seemed to be falling apart even though I was able to complete college and law school while working full time, I have a great resume, I'm good at what I do, and I work about 60-70 hours a week. When I sat down and thought about it and started doing some research, I realized that my wife has BPD and it's been like an anchor weighing me down. I regularly have to spend time on arguments with her that seem completely illogical, and I also have to spend a lot of time doing house/family tasks that she has promised to be responsible for.

For instance, when I started my law practice and real estate brokerage 4 years ago she said she wanted to work as an agent with me and got her license (one idea in a long list of various careers she has considered). I agreed to send our kids to daycare so that she could focus on it as long as she made some money so it would be worth it. However, while she did rent a few apartments on a few occasions, she never set a routine to actually get in the business and treat it like a job. But when I'd mention that to her, she'd make excuses like "you have no idea how much I do around the house" etc. or blame me for not teaching her enough. Which seemed odd because the house was always a mess. A few years/kids later, I realized it wasn't going to work and told her it was causing problems for us to have overlapping responsibilities. (i.e. if we're both supposed to do laundry or take kids to school, it causes fights over who's doing more). I realized that I was squeezing in as much work as possible while also doing all of the laundry, dishes, getting kids ready for school and doing 90% of pickups/dropoffs.

There were even two extended periods of 3-4 months where she basically stayed up all night drinking wine and watching tv, and then didn't get out of bed until around 11am. Rather than trying to wake her up and dealing with fights, I ended up just getting the kids to school and basically doing everything. So we decided that she could work from home when she could, but her main responsibility would be taking care of the house and the kids so I could focus on work. She did pretty well for a while and separating our responsibilities was helpful, but now we're back to the same thing - I'm doing a lot of the housework and she is incapable of getting the kids to school on time (they have the worst tardiness record in school).

Having 4 kids is obviously difficult, but now it's being used as a crutch. And here's the thing about the mornings - I wake up around 5am to get some work done before everyone gets up, I check if school clothes are clean and throw laundry in if not (most days), then around 7 I gently try to wake her up and ask her to help getting them ready. How does she respond? With an evil glare and/or a comment implying I'm doing something bad by trying to help her complete one of the few tasks she has agreed to do. And the worst part is that it creates absolute chaos every single morning. She starts stomping around in an angry rush to find their socks, get their lunches ready, etc. and if the kids do the slightest thing to "delay" she starts blaming them for making it impossible to get to school on time. We know 7am is the latest we can get everyone moving to get there on time, but she basically refuses to set an alarm clock and/or wake up earlier and gives me a glare if I ask her to get up at 7:15. This strange behavior is a big reason I started researching to find out what explained it.

The other major issue is the arguments, especially when fueled by alcohol. She will get really mad at me over seemingly nothing or something minor, and I always made the mistake of trying to argue that what she was saying was completely illogical and either without a factual basis or contrary to facts. But then she'd deflect and bring up something else, I'd try to bring her back to the original point of the argument and she'd refuse, and I'd get mad and end up yelling. And in her mind, the fight would always be about something I said 75% of the way into the argument - never about what it actually started as. So she'd always think I started the fight and I was wrong - even if prior to the fight I was happily sitting on the couch eating pizza watching my favorite show.

The worst part is that it partly ruined my reputation because I was arrested once after one of these fights at a hotel. We were arguing about some nonsense (I was drunk too so I can't say I helped anything), and she started hitting me (not the only time), I brushed the first few off, and then I had to hold her off of me. I left the hotel room to go sleep in the car but I forgot my keys. When I went back to ask for the keys she refused to give them to me and called the police. I was outside the room when they got there and she told them about our argument - obviously in a way that portrayed it as my fault and my holding her down as unprovoked physical abuse. I, on the other hand, don't want the mother of my kids in jail so I said nothing when they asked me. So then I had to go to trial. She refused to testify against me and was "supportive" and I ended up winning, but the idea that she would even tell the police that and risk me going to jail over seemed so disloyal and insane.

Even if you think I'm giving my slant on the story, I earned all the money to pay for our three kids and the private school that she needed so she could do nothing at home all day. There was absolutely no logic to it. (I finally talked to some friends about it afterwards and they said they never wanted to say anything, but they all basically think she's crazy/difficult and that's why they hadn't been inviting me on ski-trips, etc they had been doing with their families. They also told me that she always trashed me to them when they'd see her. Basically she had been telling them I was either verbally or physically abusive, and a long time before the police indicent - which is insane. I never even got into any major arguments or disputes with people before meeting her, whereas her life has been defined by a rollercoaster of volatile relationships and fighting with family and friends)

A third huge issue that I realized is that we are basically broke due to her disorder. Every single time I get any decent-sized payment, she spends the entire thing. And even though we've been struggling financially forever, she insists on putting 3 kids in private school. And at the times we have decided on the schools, she has been disingenuous about the actual costs, etc. Recently we moved to a new house that we rent, and she spent every last penny on expensive furniture leaving us with nothing to pay rent. We fought about it, she said she'd stop, then she did it each month thereafter on something else. I've asked her repeatedly to make a household budget so we can get spending under control but she won't do it. So the main issue is that I didn't fully understand her condition/disorder and I allowed her to be responsible for the bills, etc. Now that I know "impulsive overspending" is a key character trait of BPD I obviously need to change that.

Anyways, kind of a long into but I'm really looking forward to hearing from other spouses who are going through similar situations. We have four beautiful kids who we both love and I think there's a chance for significant improvement if I can get her to address her condition and take steps to get better. If I can't then I don't think it makes sense to stay with her and further risk my reputation or possibly my freedom via false accusations, but I really don't want to separate and really don't want to do that to my kids. So I've felt really depressed and confused about feeling stuck in horrible situation for a while with nobody to talk to about it. I really hope this group helps and I can get my family back on track.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

Your story sounds all-too-familiar... .

I think there's a chance for significant improvement if I can get her to address her condition and take steps to get better. If I can't then I don't think it makes sense to stay with her and further risk my reputation or possibly my freedom via false accusations, but I really don't want to separate and really don't want to do that to my kids. So I've felt really depressed and confused about feeling stuck in horrible situation for a while with nobody to talk to about it.

So, I'm supposed to tell you that it'll all be OK, that with work you can get this amazing life where all is good. Maybe that can happen. But it really depends on so many things outside your control. But what I will say is you don't have to think about that yet... .

The plan to fix your marriage starts with fixing YOU. Sounds strange, but as men (in general) we are taught to compromise, bend over, support our partners etc. We do it waaaaaay too much and it doesn't work. Your wife needs you to be the decider, the rock, the drive. And a BPD wife needs that 100x as much!

From your own words, you "allow" her to not work, to not cook/clean, to not help out. We've all been there - thinking that her own self-respect will kick in and she'll step up. It won't happen.

But for now - forget about her. There are 3 main steps in the path. 1) Fix you 2) Fix your relationship 3) Fix Her. Her changing or not, that's step 3. If she doesn't change it doesn't matter - the skills you learn in step 2 will make your NEXT relationship amazing. But you can only to step 2 after step 1.

Step 1 is going to hurt, and it's going to take a long time - probably over a year. But it is 100% worth it. If you exit the marriage now, without doing step 1, your next relationship is just going to fail that same way.

Step 1 is all about you. Read about BPD. Read about validation. Read about SET. Read about detachment. Read about boundaries. Post here lots, and get ready for a momentous journey... .

[pearlsw]

Hi HopingForBetter84,

Oh my! Sounds like you have deal with quite a bit. I don't have children of my own so I hesitated to reply sooner, but I decided to go ahead and step a toe in here because I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this. I am so sorry you have found yourself in unimaginable situations. It can feel strange and painful when we have issues with our significant others that drag us down to places we thought we'd never go in life.

There are a lot of pieces here, and I hope other members will join us, but I wanted to pick up on what you mention about your own depression. Are you doing anything about this? Handling it all on your own? The reason I ask is because it is a good idea to take care of yourself so that you are able to help the other family members, especially your kids.

Does your wife have any awareness or interest in seeking treatment at this time?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[HopingForBetter84]

Hey guys. Thanks for your replies. It is a good first step being able to post on here and hear other people’s stories and learn more about BPD. At least it’s making things less confusing, which was a major source of stress. Since my last post I told her that I’ve researched BPD and that her patterns of behavior are textbook symptoms and that she needs to get help. She hasn’t explicitly agreed, but it seems she’s aware that it’s probably true. Sometimes it seems she’s aware and feels bad about it, but of course other moments she’s still extremely difficult. Our son just lost his second tooth and she’s been forgetting to leave money from the tooth fairy and telling him it was too cold for the tooth fairy etc and that she’ll come tonight. It made me so mad and I mentioned it this morning and of course she blamed me and said she asked me for money last night and that it’s not just her responsibility. And that’s the main issue in my life - she says she’ll do something, and when she doesn’t somehow it’s either solely my fault or both of our fault. So I become so overwhelmed because I have to stay on top of every single thing. Yesterday I told her I had to shovel my parents house before they get home because there’s over a foot of snow. She got upset and said she needs me here to help with the kids. The implication was that watching them alone is difficult, so what does she do? Goes upstairs and goes to sleep and I watch them alone. Before that she said she was going to clean the house, which was a disaster. So when she woke up I just started cleaning like crazy (a) to get it done and (b) to show her it’s not that hard. I just feel like I’m falling apart, so I really do need to work on myself first as suggested. She overspent on Xmas (and each month before) so I’m scrambling to pay rent, etc etc. Hoping to start making some progress on myself soon, but there are just so many issues this has caused that I need to dig myself out of. It’s a really sad existence, but I hope to turn it around soon. At least I have my kids to make me happy. Just need to make sure they don’t get messed up by all of this. Really glad I discovered her BPD while they are still young so I can parent them properly to avoid negative consequences on them.

[Lakebreeze]

Hi and Welcome!
I just wanted to say you are most definitely not alone here. You have already gotten alot of great advice. I have 4 kids as well, married 6 years to my undiagnosed BPD husband. We have delt with alcohol, His 2nd drunk driving arrest, and financial difficulties galore. I understand your situation. Your wife sounds like she can get physically abusive however... .we have people here who can help and know how to direct you on that. I have to say I'm lucky to be the stay at home parent... .I can't imagine having a BPD spouse in that role.
I just finally realized last spring that BPD explains our rollar coaster life. And l am still on step one... .working on myself. It's been hard. I managed to talk to a therapist twice... .not a lot but it really helped. 2 books I would highly recommend are "When hope is not enough" and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" I got so much out of these. " Stop Walking on Eggshells" is great but honestly made me want to throw in the towel and get a divorce. I really want my kids to have an intact family if at all possible.
Here is the most important part... even just working on you can make things dramatically better. You sound like a great Dad and your kids are so lucky to have you. Taking care of yourself and your own mental health ( living with a BPD spouse will make you crazy if you aren't careful) will help your kids grown up in the healthiest environment possible. I had a light bulb moment the day I realized not wanting my kids to have BPD was only half the equation... .I don't want then to turn out like me either! Hope isn't enough, but you are.
Very best wishes. Hope to keep hearing from you.
Lakebreeze

[Lakebreeze]

This was an afterthought. Have you read about projection yet? It sounds like you wife uses it quite a bit with you. Like the whole money for the tooth fairy. It was her fault, she probably felt bad that she forgot so instead of dealing with the aftermath she shifted the blame to you. Made it your fault that you hadn't given her the money or whatever.
Just being able to identify these fallacies in logic really helped me stop going crazy in my head every time I get blamed for something.

[Radcliff]

Hello HopingForBetter84,

It's been a while, how is it going?

WW