Gifts from the Borderline/Narcissist

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I went no contact in February 2017 with my BPD mom and NPD dad.  After years of therapy, me thinking I was damaged goods, it affecting my husband and children, I had finally had enough.  It's been really nice.  I feel guilty and unsure, but so much more peaceful.  The holidays were not an emotional roller coaster for the first time in years.  What prompted the final decision to go NC was my mom stealing from a local store and my father sending me horrible emails at 9:30 at night.  He told me not to come to his funeral.  He's also an alcoholic and a gambling addict.  He told me I was unbalanced and just like my crazy mother.  I've been married to the same person for 17 years, four children, steady job as an educator, involved in community... .He gambles five nights a week and is married to his mistress (that I walked in on him with after my mom's first commitment to a mental health facility).  I could go on and one with the stories (I'm 43).  My mother has pulled identify theft on sisters to the tune of $50,000  AND both her husbands (the 2nd one just divorced her for this)... .  Police at our home growing up, drinks thrown at us in the mall during a rage, my father asking me if I was a whore like my mother when I was 15, multiple affairs... .BUT, they act like GREAT CHRISTIAN PEOPLE day to day.  My father posts all these grandiose posts on FB like he's some famous Christian writer who loves Jesus and the South.  We were taught never to talk about what really went on.  It was a huge secret.  My father got multiple DUIs but got out of all of them because of small town connections.  I grew up at a dog track.  And although we looked perfect, the creditors were calling the house and Daddy came home drunk every night.  I was the protector of my two younger sisters.

My issue is this-- Christmas night, my 14 year old received a phone call from my mother.  She didn't answer it.  My mother also abuses alcohol and pills, but not to the extent my father does.  I don't know if she was drunk or what... .Then, my Dad sent them money in Christmas cards in the mail.  Like $100 each.  But my father addressed it to my husband's work, not to our home address.  I guess he thought I wouldn't let them have it... .My youngest had a birthday late December and when we got home from church, she had a present sitting on top of my husband's truck.  Then my middle son got a card in the mail for his bday, which was early September, two months late, with $50 in it from my mother.  My father also showed up at a play that my oldest was in.  It made her very uncomfortable because she knows too much.  I wish she didn't but their behavior was harder and harder to hide over the years.

Gifts have always had strings attached in my family.  Help!  What do I do?  I've blocked them on phone, email... .I even got off social media so they couldn't get to me, see what I was doing in my life... .

[bright_future_mama]

I went no contact in February 2017 with my BPD mom and NPD dad.  After years of therapy, me thinking I was damaged goods, it affecting my husband and children, I had finally had enough.  It's been really nice.  I feel guilty and unsure, but so much more peaceful.  The holidays were not an emotional roller coaster for the first time in years.  What prompted the final decision to go NC was my mom stealing from a local store and my father sending me horrible emails at 9:30 at night.  He told me not to come to his funeral.  He's also an alcoholic and a gambling addict.  He told me I was unbalanced and just like my crazy mother.  I've been married to the same person for 17 years, four children, steady job as an educator, involved in community... .He gambles five nights a week and is married to his mistress (that I walked in on him with after my mom's first commitment to a mental health facility).  I could go on and one with the stories (I'm 43).  My mother has pulled identify theft on sisters to the tune of $50,000  AND both her husbands (the 2nd one just divorced her for this)... .  Police at our home growing up, drinks thrown at us in the mall during a rage, my father asking me if I was a whore like my mother when I was 15, multiple affairs... .BUT, they act like GREAT CHRISTIAN PEOPLE day to day.  My father posts all these grandiose posts on FB like he's some famous Christian writer who loves Jesus and the South.  We were taught never to talk about what really went on.  It was a huge secret.  My father got multiple DUIs but got out of all of them because of small town connections.  I grew up at a dog track.  And although we looked perfect, the creditors were calling the house and Daddy came home drunk every night.  I was the protector of my two younger sisters.

My issue is this-- Christmas night, my 14 year old received a phone call from my mother.  She didn't answer it.  My mother also abuses alcohol and pills, but not to the extent my father does.  I don't know if she was drunk or what... .Then, my Dad sent them money in Christmas cards in the mail.  Like $100 each.  But my father addressed it to my husband's work, not to our home address.  I guess he thought I wouldn't let them have it... .My youngest had a birthday late December and when we got home from church, she had a present sitting on top of my husband's truck.  Then my middle son got a card in the mail for his bday, which was early September, two months late, with $50 in it from my mother.  My father also showed up at a play that my oldest was in.  It made her very uncomfortable because she knows too much.  I wish she didn't but their behavior was harder and harder to hide over the years.

Gifts have always had strings attached in my family.  Help!  What do I do?  I've blocked them on phone, email... .I even got off social media so they couldn't get to me, see what I was doing in my life... .

[Kwamina]

Hi bright_future_mama

Your parents sadly both have exhibited quite problematic behavior. The things your dad sad to your were very hurtful, it seems he was very much projecting his own inner negativity and insecurities onto you.

I am sorry to hear your parents behavior affected you so much and also affected your husband and children. Unfortunately that's often how it goes when dealing with a BPD parent, it can really affect the entire family, directly or indirectly.

You are NC with both your parents, do your children still have any contact with your parents (other than the incidents you've mentioned)? Do you children have any kind of relationship now with your parents?

Not responding to the gifts and just maintaining your position is also an option, especially since you are NC. How did your parents intitally respond when you went NC back in February 2017?

[Notwendy]

I am not NC with my mother, but the gift giving to my children is similar. I am the scapegoat "black child"- and she was not so generous with me either growing up or as an adult. She has not sent me a gift in decades- except for one inexpensive generic birthday gift.  However, she sends extravagant checks to my children. I send her flowers or a gift on her birthday and holidays.

Any gift from my mother has strings attached. She somehow thinks she can have a relationship with my kids that excludes me. She is clearly trying to win them over.

They are older now and are "on" to her. Yet they are also at the ages where they can really use the gifts. Yes, we provide what they need, but our kids are responsible with money and earn some of their expenses, so a check is a big deal to them. I feel weird about accepting the gifts but they make their own choices. They are polite to her, call her to thank her and write thank you notes.  But they also understand she has a mental disorder and have good boundaries with her.

Before they got to this age, I had boundaries for them. They were not ever unsupervised with her. Now they have their own boundaries.

If I was NC with her, I would not accept the gifts to my children, or respond to them. I would leave checks uncashed, and not reply for other gifts. If a child is a minor, then I would not allow contact with any unstable adult for their own safety.

[Greg]

If a child is a minor, then I would not allow contact with any unstable adult for their own safety.

Absolutely.  This is so important that I would argue //not// doing this is actually child abuse and negligence.  Do not leave BPD's around children, ever.

He's also an alcoholic and a gambling addict.

sounds like a real prize.  Has he ever gone to AA or tried to get therapy?  This is the only criteria that makes LC an option in my book.

Gifts have always had strings attached in my family.

Then that is not a gift.  Period.

BPD's, narcissists, rapists, and abusers in general love giving gifts and material items to victims.  It is a classic tool for control, manipulation, and priming for abuse. 

they act like GREAT CHRISTIAN PEOPLE day to day

BPDs can be great at putting on a mask for the world.  But they only pretend to be great Christian people, they are not at all from what you describe.

Please, don't let any social pressure, friends, faith, politic, etc. of any kind make you feel like you need to be abused or in contact with an abuser.  Respect + love yourself, you are better than this and your family deserves better.  I support 100% no contact .  I feel it is essential for our safety and healing.

-Greg