2018 and Forward

[Tattered Heart]

What are your goals in regards to your well being or relationship for the year?

Here are mine:

1) Learn to love myself again. I have confidence in myself and I think this often masks feelings on unworthiness in me. I trust in my abilities but do I really trust in myself? I'm not sure. I believe that in finding my self worth again I will better be able to love in my relationship with my H.

2) Further re-investigate my boundaries. I have some pretty solid "I don't like this... ." points at which I will exit the conversation, but what about looking at boundaries in regards to what I consider normal instead of just conflict focused boundaries

3) Learn to be joyful again. Jan. 1 I started to track my moods. I realized over the last couple of years that I have become much too serious. I used to be pretty hilarious but I don't initiate joking very often--partly because my H would get mad if I laughed too loud and partly because life just stopped being fun. While out with friends on New Year's Eve I saw that I was having great difficulty in relaxing and letting go whereas in the past I used to cut loose.

I may have some low level depression (Dysthmia) going on. It could just be years of living with someone with BPD has taken all of the joy out of me. Regardless of the cause I miss smiling and laughing so i'm going to find my joy again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hey TH,

You threw down a really inspiring challenge here! I hope more posters join us here! Oh, how I wish I had some way to list well-being/relationship goals, not sure I am actually in a relationship at the moment... .but... .

Here is one goal so far:

1) I want to panic less and not stop eating when he dysregulates/go into shock of sorts. Who knows, this might all be "solved" with the signature on divorce papers in the next couple weeks... .if so then hello chocolate, carbs, and champagne!  If we do stay together I will immediately start eating when he checks out the next time. Sorry, that's all I've got for now! Argh!

While I'm thinking of it... .May I ask, does your husband make divorce threats ever? Or is that not one of this things? I notice (from your posts) your husband is more typically angry and critical, mine is not - just has his black and white extremes.

Okay, got a #2!

2) I want to deepen my inner peace and stillness via listening to more dharma talks on Youtube and on the websites of various zen monasteries.  

3) I want to do more stuff that puts me first in life... .I may soon have no other choice and if so I will embrace it.  

Yay! I made it to 3! I didn't think I had it in me today, but there it is!  

[waitingwife]

My goals are similar to yours especially the one where you say - to not loose sleep & appetite from his dysregulations. I also want to be a more authentic self. I was a very funny & happy go lucky gal in my youth & I’ve turned into the type A person now. I’m making progress in that direction with the help of this board & therapy. Yeah

[ortac77]

Well I don't usually make resolutions but here goes!

1. To understand myself better and to spend more time using mindfulness as I do find it helps me to see my thoughts for what they are rather than defining the real me. Perhaps that is about loving myself more but maybe also about accepting who I am.

2. Re-learning what I like - too often I defer to others to 'keep the peace' - I am asking myself the questions why I have stopped enjoying some of the pastimes I used to enjoy and what is stopping me from re-engaging with them

3. Yes, similarly boundaries, but like you these are conflict focussed - I need to re-assess.

4. Learning to find the fun in life, I too am much too serious, I have lost some of my spontaneity and in so doing have forgotten the importance of laughter.

[Tattered Heart]

While I'm thinking of it... .May I ask, does your husband make divorce threats ever? Or is that not one of this things? I notice (from your posts) your husband is more typically angry and critical, mine is not - just has his black and white extremes.

He does not threaten divorce. I have 3 thoughts on why. We both come from families with our parents still together (at least until my dad passed away) so divorce hasn't really been an option for either of us. Secondly, I think his fear of being alone or that I will take him up on the threat is too great. He has never left the house when angry. Thirdly, he doesn't have anywhere to go. We live 5 hours from his family. He has alienated himself from everyone he knows so he does not have any friends who he could stay with. He does not like to break routine and to leave would be too much change for him. (I think he may also have Asperger's). The outside world is scary. If there were BPD categories for men, he would The Hermit.

His anger is a flash in the pan. It comes up, he yells and gets it out of the way, and then it's gone. He doesn't hold onto grudges. I often feel bad because it's hard for me to understand what it's like for those of you who are in relationships where they do leave. I'm never really sure what to say.

I'll respond more to your goals shortly.

[waitingwife]

He does not threaten divorce. I have 3 thoughts on why. We both come from families with our parents still together (at least until my dad passed away) so divorce hasn't really been an option for either of us. Secondly, I think his fear of being alone or that I will take him up on the threat is too great. He has never left the house when angry. Thirdly, he doesn't have anywhere to go. We live 5 hours from his family. He has alienated himself from everyone he knows so he does not have any friends who he could stay with. He does not like to break routine and to leave would be too much change for him. (I think he may also have Asperger's). The outside world is scary. If there were BPD categories for men, he would The Hermit.

His anger is a flash in the pan. It comes up, he yells and gets it out of the way, and then it's gone. He doesn't hold onto grudges. I often feel bad because it's hard for me to understand what it's like for those of you who are in relationships where they do leave. I'm never really sure what to say.

I'll respond more to your goals shortly.

Wow, I felt like you described my life in a nutshell. We grew up in Asia & in a generation where marriages last forever- no matter what. I know of one of my aunt who lived through her marriage with an alcoholic husband & rasied 3 kids. Along with being so confusing for me as to WHY did she not leave, I also saw how she drew her boundaries to the best of her ability and raised 3 wonderful & successful kids... .They do have their fair share of challenges but who doesn’t have those? It was a good & bad influence. H & my parents are alive and live a few continents away and we get to see them once a year. I can’t  imagine how having them here or near would create so much more drama. So I have never faced a divorce threat or any kind of physical abuse. It’s more anger and silent treatment when his “perceived expectations “ aren’t met- however irrational they are. But I feel really thankful to have the gift of Therapy for myself and how it helps me gain the clarity to separate the things that are in my control and the ones that aren’t! So I am less in the emotional chaos state than I use to be when he dysregulates... .This time I was in the chaotic state for about 24 hours... .It use to be days and sometimes weeks and that was so painful.
That brings me to my goal of - acceptance of myself and my feelings because that automatically is helping me in all other areas of my life!

[Tattered Heart]

I want to panic less and not stop eating when he dysregulates/go into shock of sorts. If we do stay together I will immediately start eating when he checks out the next time.

pearlsw Is your not  eating a reaction to stress or is it a form of self harm?

3) I want to do more stuff that puts me first in life... .I may soon have no other choice and if so I will embrace it.    

pearlsw What are some clear actions steps you can take to start incorporating this? Big picture and little picture?
For myself, I try to do a little something for myself everyday, even if it’s as little as stopping for an ice cream cone on the way home, playing a game of solitaire on my phone, or bigger things like shopping or getting my hair done. This week I’m buying a fitbit. :D

I was a very funny & happy go lucky gal in my youth & I’ve turned into the type A person now. I’m making progress in that direction with the help of this board & therapy. Yeah

waitingwife Type A’s are great get things done people but often lose sight of relaxing. I like to consider myself Type C. I’m a little Type A and a little Type B. What steps can you take to begin being more laid back again?

1. To understand myself better and to spend more time using mindfulness as I do find it helps me to see my thoughts for what they are rather than defining the real me. Perhaps that is about loving myself more but maybe also about accepting who I am.

ortac77 Have you checked out the “Headspace” app. It’s a great app with 10 minute mindfulness meditations.

2. Re-learning what I like - too often I defer to others to 'keep the peace' - I am asking myself the questions why I have stopped enjoying some of the pastimes I used to enjoy and what is stopping me from re-engaging with them

ortac77 This reminds me of the movie Run-Away-Bride. Julia Roberts character said she was going to find out what type of eggs she liked because she spent her adult life conforming to the type of eggs her current SO liked. What are some of your favorite past times?

That brings me to my goal of - acceptance of myself and my feelings because that automatically is helping me in all other areas of my life

waitingwife That’s a good one. Us nons often make judgments on our feelings and say things like “I shouldn’t feel this way” and we find that our emotions get all tangled up. The fact is, we do feel that way and beating ourselves up about it won’t change the way we feel. It just makes us feel worse. Sometimes just acknowledging those feelings is enough to help them resolve. Other times it can lead to seeking out answers as to why you feel that way and finding resolution to those feelings. (i.e. “Why do I feel like I need to walk on eggshells right now? What am I scared of? How can I honor myself and my H in this uneasiness?)