Having trouble with how she treated me—feel shame for being fooled

[Liftingthefog]

Hi all,

I’m new to this forumbut I’ve been dealing with this and recovering from my ex for close to a year now.  For a long time there were so many things I didn’t understand about what happened.  It was so out of the blue, so confusing, all blamed on me.  There was so much back and forth for about six months that culminated in a conversation in which she just got absolutely nasty to me for no reason after I had still been been very cool to her even after leaving me 3 months before our wedding (and took one of my dogs).

I wasn’t aware of BPD and I just sort of stumbled across it.  The description of people with it is SO similar to what I have experienced.

An unwarranted feeling from her that I was going to leave her.
Lying
She got so uncharacteristically cruel during the break up- she would say such hurtful things in instances where they were completely unwarranted...
She has a history of childhood trauma.

The break up came 100% out of the blue. There were NO signs that there was anything wrong. My sister (who she was close with) visited for a week just a few weeks before she told me she was leaving.  She said nothing to her.  Everyone was shocked as we were a ‘good’ couple.  She always seemed happy- we rarely argued, I treated her well, we laughed a lot, always got along, had similar interests.   Her reasons for leaving were so vague, never made sense  and when asked for examples she gave me instances from YEARS ago.

My question- we were together for almost 12 years. Engaged for almost 2. Lived together for 7.  She honestly never acted in the way BPD is described (besides her lying about stupid pointless things from time to time).  Once the break up happened she seemed to exhibit almost all of the descriptors.
Was she always like this underneath and I or anyone else completely missed it, or did she change? I’ve read a lot of things regarding childhood sexual abuse resurfacing for women in the ages between 25-35 (she is 33), and I assume s it was that for a long time. I just don’t know. I’m still so confused.  I know now that she is horrible for me.  I will forgive her for this (for my sake not hers) but I will never be able to forget it.  I am getting over her.  I am just having trouble with what she DID and how she treated me- and I do feel that shame of I was fooled for so long.

Any kind of clarity from anyone that has experience would be greatly appreciated

[once removed]

hi Liftingthefog and

your story is really heartbreaking. after twelve years together, and this all happening out of the blue, its no wonder youre hurting. im sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you found us, i remember learning about BPD was a huge relief to me, and it can really help to find a community of people who understand and have been there.

how long ago did this happen? are you seeing a therapist to help you work through it?

[Liftingthefog]

hi Liftingthefog and

your story is really heartbreaking. after twelve years together, and this all happening out of the blue, its no wonder youre hurting. im sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you found us, i remember learning about BPD was a huge relief to me, and it can really help to find a community of people who understand and have been there.

how long ago did this happen? are you seeing a therapist to help you work through it?

It has been really rough. She left last February but continued to drag me through the mud until August. There was so much back and forth.  From receiving letters with pictures of her and the dog she took telling me “I was on her mind a lot” and that she still loved me to hearing things like “I never even think about you” “I deserve better than you”.  In September I asked her to please stop contacting me and have heard very little since.
Yes, I have been seeing a Therapist for a while now. We’ve never talked about BPD as a possibility.  The focus has been on my recovering from this and uncovering some past traumas that this brought up.

[Alf17]

So sorry to hear you have been trough that.
Mine left also out of the blue. We went on Holly days about a month before she dumped me, and she talked to her best friend, family... .About the best week of her life, told them that se was soo in love with me, that I was the one giving her strength... .
And then she just stopped loving me and caring about me at all.
I've been with her for a bit more than a year, and I have suffered so much, that I can't even imagine what are you going through mate.
You see the person you loved and trusted change suddenly into someone mean, the complete opposite, and you can do nothing at all.
Now I'm more than 4 months out of the relationship, and heard nothing from her.

That's just some really unfair and hard stuff we have to go through.
Best wishes and hope you are feeling better.

[FindingMe2011]

I do feel that shame of I was fooled for so long.

This is common on here... The shame is yours, BPD just exposed it... Try owning it, and not so quick, to blame on BPD... .It really is, a fundamental part of how you got here.

Was she always like this underneath and I or anyone else completely missed it, or did she change?

Only those close to the illness, reap the rewards. The cycles can takes hours, days, or years to complete. The cycles typically, speed up, as time goes by... .wash, rinse, repeat
As some parents on the board with children diagnosed with BPD will tell you, there was no abandonment for the child. There was merely the failure to separate from the primary caretaker in order to individuate. So in this way, enmeshment was encouraging infantilization and arrested development. Some very, very good Mothers are guilty of this. Helicopter Mothers make BPD children as much as neglectful or abusive Mothers.

BPD is the failure to separate / individuate from primary caretakers. Consequently, they seek out replications of caretakers found in people who need perfect mirroring.

Many BPD partners are also suffering from immaturity. They also have developmental deficits in their thinking, and they project these onto the unknowing Borderline in order to cast off their own shame and utilize the defects of the Borderline as their combination mirroring agent and marketeer for their false self.

When the false self fails from imperfect mirroring; a huge narcissistic injury ensues. If this causes a jump into a new relationship to soothe the ego and calm the reactive need -then rightfully, the Borderline withdraws. (One of the signs of immaturity and impulsivity is multiple partners overlapping.)

There is no devaluation and discard from the Borderline. There is only a detachment and protection from the failure to become the perfect mirroring agent to a person who NEEDS perfect mirroring.

When a person needs perfect mirroring and must have it from multiple sources; moving on to recycle old flames or search on-line for new ones, or have one-night stands- this is a sign of insecurity. Never to be alone, unable to delay gratification. Always needy. Multiple relationships overlapping during the BPD relationship eliminate trust, safety, and security for a Borderline. This isn't a discard and devaluation- this is an extreme valuation that once temporarily soothed the developmental deficit and need for value. Sometimes, for both parties. One person is doing the necessary stepping back to detach and protect, and yes it involves hurt and mistrust.

Considering yourself to be above average in attractiveness, a "catch" and a somatic is something that pivots on reactions from mirrors. Using a person to act as a mirror objectifies that person until they become exhausted with feelings of bondage and slavery.

The subsequent retreat from this is not a devaluation, but rather a self fulfilling prophecy, that comes from selling themselves out to be used and the failure of individuation. Never to have the safety and security of being loved for who they are because they haven't found themselves in development. It is a repetition compulsion.

Borderlines often pick partners who do this because it proves their self-defeating actions. It is an unconscious response and one that takes many years of therapy to overcome.  

 

The healing will follow, after understanding your part in all of this. You were not an innocent bystander, and until you give up the victim role, stuck is where you will remain... .Your subconscious knows how to survive... .I wish u well, peace

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LTF, Some experts suggest that there is a shame component associated with any trauma, so I would say that it's normal for you to be experiencing feelings of shame after such a sudden end to a long-term r/s.  I note that she has a history of childhood trauma, which is likely to have played a significant part in her departure, perhaps even on a subconscious level.  Did she ever take any steps to address or work through the past trauma?  If not, the unresolved trauma may continue to hang like a black cloud over her, until it got so overwhelming that she had to bail out.  Whether she suffers from BPD seems like an open question to me.

Posting here is a good way to process your feelings.  Do you think it would be helpful to share any more details?  Fill us in, when you feel like it.

LuckyJim

[Speck]

Hello, Liftingthefog.

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I wanted to join the others here in welcoming you to the forum.

 

The sudden break-up of a 12-year relationship would be tough for anyone, and I would imagine that experiencing shame by feeling fooled by your ex is an understandable emotion to be processing right now.

I, too, was left out of the blue (after an 8-year marriage), and I can tell you, shame for it ending comes up for me quite a bit. But, my uBPDw did it four times, and I took her back three, so a lot of my shame is directed at me for being so stupid (to take her back three times). In short, I feel shame for being so gullible, I feel shame for allowing her to treat me so poorly, and I also feel shame for having a failed marriage.

But, you know what? I know that I treated my ex with respect and loved her with every ounce of my bearing. And, that fact was lost on her. She didn't appreciate it. So, my sitting around in a Ball of Shame only serves to beat me down when I know that I did my very best by her.

One thing I've learned thus far on this journey of healing is this: Processing these feelings of shame post break-up is normal, healthy, and necessary. Luxuriating and marinating in them is not.

We're glad you're here. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

One thing I've learned thus far on this journey of healing is this: Processing these feelings of shame post break-up is normal, healthy, and necessary. Luxuriating and marinating in them is not.

Like what you're saying, Speck.  Healing the shame wound, in my view, is a necessary component of recovery, as you suggest.  But we have to emerge from the wound, not dwell on it, or as you say marinate in it, indefinitely.  The wound, one could say, is a reminder that we're human.  Learning to love and accept oneself is part of embracing our imperfections, in my view, which allows us to proceed out of the wound in order to resume our path.

Sorry if I sound overly cryptic, but it's hard to put this stuff into words!

LJ

[Speck]

The wound, one could say, is a reminder that we're human.  Learning to love and accept oneself is part of embracing our imperfections, in my view, which allows us to proceed out of the wound in order to resume our path.

Sorry if I sound overly cryptic, but it's hard to put this stuff into words!

I'm not sure I could have said it better!


-Speck

[spero]

Hello FindingMe and LiftingtheFog,

First, LiftingTheFog, i'm so sorry that you're having to go through this right now. What ever step you are in your process of recovery, know that you'll get through it. Grief and loss are very complicated and intricate processes. Don't be too hard on yourself. Now with that, let me perhaps respond to what has been said.

I do feel that shame of I was fooled for so long.

This is common on here... The shame is yours, BPD just exposed it... Try owning it, and not so quick, to blame on BPD... .It really is, a fundamental part of how you got here.

Now, in response to this. I'm not here to point fingers, but rather expand the reasons as to why he is feeling this way. While i think while LiftingTheFog, is feeling shame. I would not make the assumption that shame was a pre-existential condition which LTF has and was just surfaced by his uBPD partner. LTF may well have other reasons why he arrived on this BB, it might not be as much as trying to blame an illness, sometimes, we just want to make sense of our present suffering. Lucky Jim has mentioned about "Shame" in an earlier post. So, i won't elaborate as much. What LTF is experiencing may well be PTSD-C, or complex post trauma stress disorder. If this persists, i would suggest seeking professional help with a T, while talking helps, i think talking with a T would be objective and would also play a key role in your recovery.

BPD is the failure to separate / individuate from primary caretakers. Consequently, they seek out replications of caretakers found in people who need perfect mirroring. Many BPD partners are also suffering from immaturity. They also have developmental deficits in their thinking, and they project these onto the unknowing Borderline in order to cast off their own shame and utilize the defects of the Borderline as their combination mirroring agent and marketeer for their false self.

When the false self fails from imperfect mirroring; a huge narcissistic injury ensues. If this causes a jump into a new relationship to soothe the ego and calm the reactive need -then rightfully, the Borderline withdraws. (One of the signs of immaturity and impulsivity is multiple partners overlapping.)

There is no devaluation and discard from the Borderline. There is only a detachment and protection from the failure to become the perfect mirroring agent to a person who NEEDS perfect mirroring.

When a person needs perfect mirroring and must have it from multiple sources; moving on to recycle old flames or search on-line for new ones, or have one-night stands- this is a sign of insecurity. Never to be alone, unable to delay gratification. Always needy. Multiple relationships overlapping during the BPD relationship eliminate trust, safety, and security for a Borderline. This isn't a discard and devaluation- this is an extreme valuation that once temporarily soothed the developmental deficit and need for value. Sometimes, for both parties. One person is doing the necessary stepping back to detach and protect, and yes it involves hurt and mistrust.

This quote above really needs a detailed breakdown and description to really understand the depth of BPD as a complex personality disorder. For objectivity and scope, perhaps i would like to explore the idea of BPD being "immature". I think it is symptomatic to have individuals with an existing BPD condition to manifest "immature or childish" behaviour. I would however liken, the "immature or childish" behaviour as a state of temporary regression. Unfortunately, individuals with BPD are likely to have an arrested emotional development locked in the period of early childhood. When distressed or triggered, especially with the core wound of abandonment, these seemingly "immature or childish" behaviours (ie temper tantrums) manifest themselves.   

I quote this from research paper published in 2015, about "Regression: Diagnosis, Evaluation, and Management" covering aspects of "immature / childish behaviour".

"Many children (eg, when tired, hungry, or afraid) have temper tantrums (expressions of strong emotions) on a daily basis until they are 3 or 4 years old.8 In fact, preschoolers with a DSM-IV diagnosis (such as depression) displayed significantly more violence during tantrums (with a difficult recovery) compared to healthy preschoolers.9 Moreover, temper tantrums are a frequent reason for referral to behavior therapists and are among the most common behavior problems of childhood.10,11 Some of the behaviors associated with childhood tantrums include shouting, screaming, crying, falling to the floor, flailing their extremities, hitting, kicking, throwing items, and having breath-holding spells.11 Tantrums may also start with shouting and angry outbursts followed by sobbing, withdrawing, and seeking comfort.12"

Adults with temper tantrums have them for the same reasons as children (ie, being distressed). Being hospitalized is stressful for some adults; this can fuel tantrums. Adults with temper tantrums exhibit some or all of the behaviors exhibited by children. Unfortunately, in hospital settings, temper tantrums can be disruptive and pose management problems for clinical staff members who have to care for more than 1 patient at a time."

Here is the link for citation purposes. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4578899/

While it seems like they are immature, there is a whole eco system of root causes at play which motivates the behavior. I hope with that understanding, we can be a little bit more compassionate about individuals with BPD, but i'm in no way excusing their behaviours and how much damaged has been done to people posting in this sub-forum.

Individuals with an existing BPD condition vary in their symptoms and behaviours and may not always display a single set of symptoms which we see in other mental illnesses such as clinical depression for example. my uBPDexGF sure did devalued and objectified me as a person. I became her favorite thing or possession, not so much of a person. So i guess, there isn't a one size fits all kind of description nor a check list per se.

LTF, i would also suggest reading this description of BPD, in bpdfamily https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

The healing will follow, after understanding your part in all of this. You were not an innocent bystander, and until you give up the victim role, stuck is where you will remain... .Your subconscious knows how to survive... .I wish u well, peace

LTF, i wouldn't agree on you playing a victim role per se, and i would go as much as to say... .hey, its okay to be where you are, go ahead and writhe in pain, do whatever you need. Be gentle on yourself, and don't bee too hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up like "i need to man up right now and take responsibility for my part in the fallout." Hey, its okay. It really is, we all move and make progress at different rates, do it at your own pace, just keep taking one step forward, even if you are wailing and bashing, just keep taking single steps. No one is pointing fingers at you here, sometimes when we're struggling and cant see what is ahead, all we need is a friend in front of us who'd pull us forward gently.

Hang around as much as you want, talk as much as you need and i hope this is would be a safe place and a positive place for your healing.

Spero.