I think it’s time to post

[JNChell]

I’ve been reading here for a little over 2 months now. That’s how long it’s been since the final of 3 big break ups among many short lived ones. I should probably give a little background up front. I learned about NPD in 2010 after my parents passed and I ended up in therapy due to their deaths. My parents were very abusive in all aspects except sexually, and I got pretty messed up when they died because I never got the closure and apology I so desperately wanted. I started researching NPD which introduced to all of the Cluster B’s. Needless to say, I became pretty obsessed with all of it.

During and after my parents death I was in a serious relationship with a woman that I believe, looking back, was BPD/NPD and possibly a little HPD. Both physically and mentally abusive. While reflecting on past relationships, I also believe I had entered these relationships before, although not highly abusive, there were many traits that left my head spinning. This latest relationship, I feel, has come very close to completely destroying me. Literally. I became suicidal more than once, and this is very troubling to me because I have a huge fear now that that makes me a Cluster B. I’m terrified of it.

She was everything in the beginning. I had taken a year off from dating after the previous relationship and got myself back into therapy. I was feeling much better and healthy again, and felt like getting back out there, so I joined a dating website. That is something I never tried. Moving forward, that is how she and I met. Like I said, she was everything. She seemed so enthralled with me. Like I was perfect in her eyes. Of course, things progressed rapidly. Sex on the second night since meeting her, etc. there were SO MANY red flags! I even knew about them from all of the research I had done. Maybe her charm and immediate attachment helped me to ignore it all. I fell so fast.

Fast forward 4 months. I got the call. She was pregnant. She was freaking out, but I remained calm, comforted her and assured her that everything would be ok. I did everything I thought I should immediately upon finding out. I bought a house, another vehicle, she totaled her’s and didn’t have it insured. I went from being debt free at 37 with a 750 credit score, to yesterday when I finalized my bankruptcy in court and I now stay with a friend until I can get back on my feet. All of this in 4 years time.

Back on point here. She did start to display some pretty minor behaviors before the pregnancy, but I blew them off. During the pregnancy I made every appointment with her with the exception of a couple. The appointments were in the morning, and I worked nights until 5 a.m. Sometimes I was just exhausted. After our child was born is when things started to really go downhill. The worst of it was the raging and the awful things she would say to me. This happened any time I would try to start a conversation about something that was bothering me or related to the relationship. Every time it would turn in to a mind bending circular argument that ended in everything being my fault.

Then the real abuse started. She was constantly running off with kids, she has a daughter from her marriage, that’s a whole other story, and would go completely silent. She would not respond at all. When she would return she would pretty much act like nothing happened, and refused any attempt to resolve what had happened. Next, was big breakup #1. Honestly, I don’t even remember the content of the fight that lead to it. She moved her and her kids to her mom’s, and wouldn’t tell me where it was. She knows I’m not a threat to her. She left all of her belongings at the house. It took her 3 months to finally collect her things. I even ended up paying for the truck and loading most of it. This whole time I was relentlessly trying to get her and the kids back home and fix our little family. When I found out she was pregnant, I was determined that my Son would have a healthy family life and to make sure her daughter didn’t have to suffer another broken home. I was also determined to give she and I the home life we never had. Her past was different than mine of course, but just as bad. I should also mention that I had begun drinking fairly heavily when the abuse began to ramp up.

 Eventually, whenever I saw her I could tell that something was up. Another guy. Of course she denied it over and over, but I eventually found out. I blew up on her over this. This guy had taken her virginity and was sending her messages stating his undying love for her during the beginning of our relationship. He was married with child at the time, and she was friends with his then wife. She says it wasn’t sexual, but I don’t believe that. Anyway, after about 3 months, she started coming back around, having sex with me and we started doing family things again. She wasn’t able to move back in because she had moved again with her mom and signed a year lease. I had stopped drinking by this time and we were back together. However, there was no resolution. When I would try to talk about things, if she didn’t rage, she would sit in silence and stare at the floor. She continued to run away with the kids pretty frequently, go silent and come back, usually the next day and wouldn’t discuss anything.

Fast forward to big breakup #2. This was horrific. I was horrific because I completely lost it. This was the first time I became suicidal. Again, another petty argument that exploded into her raging. We had been arguing that day. She was at her sister’s house close by with the kids. There was a bad storm rolling in that evening, and I suggested that she stay the night with the kids instead having to drive them much further to get home. No response. I figured she had already left. A little while later she called and asked if she could stay the night. I guess I answered in a kind of confused tone and it was delayed. She hung up and seconds later she burst through the door in a rage like I had never witnessed. It’s hard to explain what happened to me during this assault. It was like white noise in my that kept getting louder and louder until I couldn’t hear her anymore. I dropped onto the couch and held my head in my hands really tight.

I actually heard a snap in my head. She was gone by this point and I completely lost it. This part is really hard. I don’t know what happened to me, but I ended up in my own rage. Running around, balling. I had completely lost it. I destroyed my home that night, I was very close to ending my life and spent the next week in a psych unit. I don’t know how I’ll ever move past the shame and guilt from that night. I don’t blame her for what I did. That was all me, and what does that say about me and my character. After I was released from the psych unit I stayed in a hotel for 3 days. She was nice enough to bring our Son on the first night for a visit. I found a small apartment and basically isolated myself, only working and spending as much time with my Son as possible.

After I was fairly settled in the ruminating started. I initially told her after being let out of the psych unit that things had gone way too far and that it was over. She was hinting at letting things cool down and then reconnecting. Anyway, the ruminating lead to reaching out and asking her to come back. I had been split black and she was back on the dating sites. Still, I pursued, and about 2 months later she came over, we had sex and she was back. I told her that I couldn’t move forward with her unless we sought therapy together. We went through 3 with no success obviously. She is still seeing the last therapist we saw together. So, we were back together. No resolution, no discussing it. She said we were starting fresh. The raging returned quickly, was more intense and she was beginning to do it in front of our Son. This I wouldn’t tolerate and it caused several mini-breakups.

I knew I needed to leave her, but I couldn’t. I’ve broken up with one person in my entire life and I’m in my early 40’s. I don’t leave, I try and to fix it. Anyway, as time passed, she ended buying a nice, little house in the town my apartment was in. After my lease was up, I moved in. We were getting our little family back. I was so grateful and felt so blessed for this after the awful episode I had. I felt forgiven and loved even though the behavior was escalating faster than I could even dream of staying on top of and trying to fix. I love this woman with an intensity that I’ve never felt. Well, one night, on a weekend of course, things went very South again. I ended up staying with a friend, with whom I’m now staying with. We sat at a fire outside and I just cried to him. She had run off with the kids again and wouldn’t respond to me. The next day was a rage fest over text. She was telling me to “get the f*** out” of her house and saying many very hurtful things. She had been telling me to “GTFO” of her house several times a week for at least the last month. By the end of the fighting I felt so worthless, undesirable and like there was nothing left for me. I truly felt like, at that point that she was trying to destroy me and that she would succeed. Again, I became suicidal and spent the night in the hospital.

That was end of us being together. I want to make it clear that these instances weren’t a “if you leave me, I’ll kill myself”. I was simply giving up on myself. A week later I went to her house to collect some of my things. I asked her how she was feeling. She said “like s**t”, so I sat down beside her and rubbed her back. I can still feel her relaxing. I gathered some of my things and asked her if I could take her and our Son out to lunch. We did. When we got back our Son laid down for a nap and we ended up having sex. After we finished, she wanted to keep going. I told her that it would only end up in me staying the night and that it wasn’t a good idea at this point. I kissed her, told her I loved her and that I’d see her in a couple days to take our Son Trick or Treating. The next day she said she loved me through text. We had communicated a little through text about the Trick or Treating. I was excited to be taking him with her. I had never been either because of working nights or us being broken up. I’ve missed out on a lot of things like that with him.

Anyway, I showed up to take him, asked her if she was ready. I could tell she was agitated. She said she wasn’t going. I persisted and explained why it meant a lot to me. She started going into a rage in front of our boy. Dropping the F bomb repeatedly. I told her to please stop because it makes me feel crazy when she does this. She said “well that’s not hard to do”. I asked how she could say such a thing after what had happened a week before. She then started to mock me for becoming suicidal. She sounded completely evil. My mouth went dry and I started to shake. I grabbed our Son and took him Trick or Treating. When we got back, I tried to talk to her, but she just stared out of the window.

Fast forward to the next weekend. I was going to pick my Son up after work and keep him for the weekend. I told her in advance that I had something I wanted to discuss with her. When I got there she sat down like she was ready to talk. Through my nerves, in the calmest and most loving way I could, I explained how much I love her and our kids. That I know we both need help and that I wanted to help her. I asked her not to close the door on our family. This sent her into the worst rage I’ve ever seen come from her. The rage ended with her charging at me and screaming “ you should’ve f’ing killed yourself”! I was speechless. All of this, again, in front of our, not quite 3 year old, Son. I picked him up and walked out of the door. She was right behind us. Yelled “F you”! I was holding our child.

I was devastated and still am. For about the first 2 weeks out of the house, I felt alright. Decompressing from the raging and abuse was nice, but it didn’t last long. Rumination set back in. I’m ashamed to say that I have been text bombing her. My messages are all over the place. They match my mind currently. She’s not been appreciative of it, and I understand. I can’t control myself and I’m not proud of it at all. I finally told her that I needed 2 weeks of absolutely no contact with her which means not seeing my Son in that time. I don’t like that, but I need to get a handle on my emotions. She replied by saying that I was a bad Father and that she was going to take him away from me. She uses that threat very often. She knows how much I love him and that it triggers me like nothing else.

The first day into NC she sent me 4 crappy texts in row cursing me over our Son’s laundry. I restrained until that evening and I started text bombing again. I finally told her again this morning that I’m trying again and to please not contact me unless it’s an emergency. There’s much more to tell, and this has been long winded enough. I shake, my heart palpitates and I feel an enormous amount of guilt and shame. I’ve failed my family with 2 young, innocent children. I failed the woman I love, and I failed myself. I’m terrified of a PD diagnosis when I re-enter therapy. I’ve lost myself. Every day just feels love me some kind of haze. My nerves are shot. I’m just very down on myself. Thanks for allowing me to post.

[ArleighBurke]

I can understand fearing a disgnosis - but putting a label on something doesn't change what is. But it may help treatment.


So it sounds like you are very emotionally charged at the moment. You have identified you need space to decompress - which is great - but you are not allowing yourself that space.

If she is BPD, then she can't regulate her own emotions, and she can't respect yours, or respect your boundaries. You have told her you need space - which may be triggering her abandoment fear, hence she is lashing out. But that's too bad. Right now - as you have identified - you need to look after YOU. You need to get yourself in a clear space before you can decide what to do in your life.

You told her you want no contact. How can you enforce that? Blocking her on your phone will ensure you get space. It will REALLY trigger her, so expect a big reaction, but if you have been clear to her that you need space AND THAT YOU WILL COME BACK TO HER IN 2 WEEKS, then she will just have to manage.

Do what you need to in order to heal. Being away from her, not contacting her, will probably feel like the hardest, cruelest thing you've done. But if this is what you need to do to heal, then there is no choice. You NEED to take care of yourself first.

[JNChell]

Thank you for replying. Our Son is the biggest thing in between us. I don’t understand how her abandonment fears can be triggered when she wants nothing to do with me. I’ve been pleading to her to not shut the door on us and our children. This is all very confusing to me. I mean, I’ve read it all. Over and over, but being in it is a whole lot different than reading it. I am emotionally exhausted. I guess that that could mean charged as well. It’s been going on for so long. I’ve known for so long. I stayed. Every ugly outcome has been my fault.

[JNChell]

Maybe decompressing should be done before posting here and trying to talk to others.

[Skip]

You've had an incredible journey. Sorry, man.

Where are things now? Do you see your son regularly? Do you see her daughter at all? Do you have any communications with the exgf?

[Speck]

Wow, JNChell.

I haven't read your story until today. You have been through absolute hell, my friend.

I appreciate your having the courage to write all that painful stuff down. It's been awhile since you've done so, and I wonder if you now feel better almost two months later? You sound like an incredibly loving father who just wants to do the right thing by your kids.

I hope for your sake, you are now better able to just focus on the next right step, not necessarily the next best step, just the next right step for YOU.

I read this whole thing, brother. If you've got more to share, by all means, do so. You will rise like a phoenix out of the ashes of this mess, I am certain. However, I think you'll benefit a lot from continuing to reach out to others here when you feel unloved, unworthy, uncherished, unvalued... .

We are here for you. Keep writing.


-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

JNChell I'm so glad that you decided to share this with us.  I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and I hope that you feel a little ease for getting it off your chest and putting it out there, as painful as it is. 

I appreciate your having the courage to write all that painful stuff down.

 

I'll second Speck on this.  It takes great strength to talk about what you have.  JNChell, we've all done and said things we're not proud of after being driven to the edge.  Everyone has a limit and it sounds as though you hit yours.  Don't beat yourself up on top of what you're going through.  A BPD breakup and especially having a small child in the frame is difficult enough without blaming yourself for everything.

I shake, my heart palpitates and I feel an enormous amount of guilt and shame. I’ve failed my family with 2 young, innocent children. I failed the woman I love, and I failed myself. I’m terrified of a PD diagnosis when I re-enter therapy. I’ve lost myself. Every day just feels love me some kind of haze. My nerves are shot. I’m just very down on myself.

It sounds like you're experiencing anxiety and possibly depression, which only makes things seem worse than they are and reduces our ability to gain perspective or make good decisions.  I'd encourage you to go to see your doctor for some support with this.  I have felt at total breaking point myself and doing just that was the best thing I could have done for myself.  Would you be willing to speak to your doctor for some short term help whilst you get through this tough time?

I can personally relate to your fear of a diagnosis.  I took myself for a psych evaluation in order to face just that.  What ArleighBurke said was true for me.  Putting a label on it doesn't change anything, but it has put me on the right path for treatment.  In my own experience, a huge weight lifted when I was given the findings.  I felt better that I had an answer.  When do you plan to re enter therapy? 

All is not lost.  I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but you're making steps, starting with talking about all of this.  We're here for you and will be right by your side as you work through it.  Keep talking.  It helps.   

Love and light x

[heartandwhole]

JNChell  

I’m so sorry to hear of what you have been through. I can fully understand feeling worried about possible diagnoses, but as others have said, please don’t let that stop you from reaching out for support.

After my breakup with pwBPD, I exhibited behavior that just wasn’t like the me I had known. I had thoughts of wanting to die, I felt ultra-sensitive, depressed, and even paranoid that complete strangers were out to hurt me. And in my relationship, there was no living together, no child, and it didn’t last longer than 1.5 years.

I’m writing this to let you know that these kinds of breakups can feel absolutely shattering. Yet, you will come out of it. I did, and so have many others here. You will feel yourself again. With some scars, but stronger and wiser.

Let us know how you are doing now. We are with you.

heartandwhole

[JNChell]

Hey Skip. I’m surprised to see this resurrected.    Especially with so much support. Thanks to you all. I’ll be responding to all of you.

Skip, I have our Son for the first 3 weekends, and the first and third Tuesday of each month. I don’t see her daughter at all anymore. It really hurts. I was a part of her life, and now I’m not. I can remember her sitting on the front porch with me rocking in the chairs. She was sad that her mom and dad weren’t together anymore. I told her that it was ok to feel that way. We watched a raccoon climb down from a tree. It was dusk. It was the country property that I destroyed.

I have very little communication with her now. I’m still guilty of sending the “why” texts. I have got it set up to where we don’t have to see each other in person, though. I’m able to pick him up and drop him off without face to face contact. This has been huge. Week 3.

Things are much better. I’m with good people. It’s kind of ironic, actually. The place that I’m staying at now is the same place that I came to as a kid to get away from my home life. My best friend lives in a different house than his parents. They have homes on a big plot of land in the country. He and his sister rescued me that day and brought me back to where they live. I’m ok, Skip. Still hurting, still learning. I finally had my intake, and I think my T is going to be a good fit.

[JNChell]

Speck, thanks for reaching out. You’re an incredibly good amby. If there was a lead person spot for ambles, I would nominate and vote for you.

I do feel better. Not having to see her has helped. I’m still not out of the FOG, I believe. I teeter-totter between denial and anger lately. Believe it or not, there are still times when I want her. I try to quickly snuff those out. Thanks.

[Skip]

I have our Son for the first 3 weekends, and the first and third Tuesday of each month.

Is the a legal agreement filed in the court or informal?

I’m still guilty of sending the “why” texts.

What's happening here (if you can talk about it)? Does she respond?

Hang in there, JNChell. This stuff hurts like hell. We're all here to do this walk with you.

[JNChell]

Harley Quinn, that was my first post on this site. Thank you for your words. I was surprised to see this thread brought back up.

I definitely hit my breaking point. I broke as far as one can break without completely breaking. I didn’t reach zero reparation.

I don’t have a GP right now. I have a T. I had my intake two days ago. I believe she’s going to be a good fit.

[JNChell]

heartandwhole, thanks for reaching out. I’m fine. I’m not scared of any diagnosis anymore. If I am diagnosed with a condition, my immediate response will be “how do I fix it?” I’m moving forward. I have a young child that needs guidance. I’m breaking this cycle of family dysfunction for him.

[JNChell]

Skip, it’s informal. No court order at this time. She doesn’t respond anymore. I called her out over and over again. I don’t expect any communication unless it has to do with our Son.

[heartandwhole]

I’m moving forward. I have a young child that needs guidance. I’m breaking this cycle of family dysfunction for him.

This is so great to hear, JNChell. I'm so glad that your initial impressions of your T is that she is a good fit.

Let us know how things go with her, if you are moved to share. 

heartandwhole

[Speck]

I teeter-totter between denial and anger lately. Believe it or not, there are still times when I want her. I try to quickly snuff those out.

Oh, I believe you. And, I understand. I want things I cannot have, too. That's what makes us all so terribly human.

There's a rumor going around that it gets better with time. 

-Speck

[Harley Quinn]

I can confirm that the rumours are true 

JNChell I was scratching my head as to how I didn't see your first post, then realised I was having fun of my own at the time in family court.  Go figure.  Anyway I'm so pleased to hear that things have evened out somewhat for you.  Already it sounds like you're discovering the rumour has merit.  It just takes time.  As you said, you have a little one to focus on and that is a gift.  Just don't forget yourself at the same time and let out whatever you need to here.  We're listening.  Honest.

Love and light x