Please, please help me understand this behaviour

[EdR]

Hello,

Like some may know I have posted several times about closure and how I would like to become strong enough to not be affected by my pwBPD. I do not want to be afraid of her.

Well... .I haven't reached that point yet. I just saw her in my neighbourhood with her 2 'flying monkeys'.
She was seriously looking at me for quite some time. I felt surprised and off balance, so I just waved my hand a little while moving along.

I am completely confused right now. What is this?

Normally I would say this means someone has a certain interest in me. But her behaviour said and still says the opposite.
Was it just to follow my movements and make sure I wouldn't sit with them? But then... .why would you look at me for such a long time?

I just absolutely do not understand... .Please share your thoughts! I need you guys!

[hope2727]

One of the best things I learned in my experience is that trying to understand a broken brain is totally hopeless. Just smile nod and move on with your happy healthy life. Sorry I wish I had something better to offer but I really don't. I know mine vacillates between stalking and ignoring. I just have to let it go and move on with my own life no matter how hard.

Meanwhile I am sorry it is so upsetting for you. Hugs.

[SlyQQ]

She is confused, she doesn't know quite sure how or why her feelings changed and thinks by studying you it might help her and reinforce her opinions, or sometimes the otherway- it depends on what she thinks about the people she is with at the moment and if they are shaping up.

there memory is truly ephemeral

[EdR]

Thank you Hope, thank you Sly!

Both of your replies make a lot of sense. You are right, I shouldn't try and understand. But I just cannot help myself these days.

On the other hand, it could very well be an expression of her own - subconscious?- doubts and insecurities about 'why her feelings changed'. Interesting thoughts.

[babyducks]

Hi EdR

I am completely confused right now. What is this?

Here are a couple of thoughts,... .tell me if they fit into what you observed about bumping into her.

pwBPD have poor or non existent personal boundaries, and they have little regard for crossing other people's personal boundaries.   people with poor personal boundaries will have a difficult time respecting where 'my stuff'   and 'your stuff' begins and ends.    The "my stuff" / "your stuff" can be emotions, people, places, things.    Just about anything.

pwBPD crave and need attention to feel whole,  to not feel overwhelmed by the fragile sense of self they struggle with.    There is no such thing as bad attention.   All attention is good.

from where I sit this was her, once again demonstrating her maladpitve life skills to get her needs met.

That's her.    Now you.

I'm guessing you felt your personal boundaries being crossed in a way that wasn't healthy and you felt uncomfortable.   I would have felt uncomfortable.    When my Ex does this to me I feel that her behavior is aimed at me in some fashion and I don't like it.    I don't like being assigned a role in her psycho-drama.

Even though her behavior is aimed at me in some fashion I am safe now.    Just as you are.     You have options, choices and new tools and knowledge to work with.    You can walk away with out engaging.   You can stand up for yourself by telling her 'I don't appreciate your behavior, I won't XYZ, (fill in the blank anyway you want'.     

I think when some one crosses our personal boundaries we feel pushed, crowded, kind of driven.    the trick is to claim our own space in ways that are good for us.

what do you think?
'ducks

[EdR]

I'm guessing you felt your personal boundaries being crossed in a way that wasn't healthy and you felt uncomfortable.   I would have felt uncomfortable.    When my Ex does this to me I feel that her behavior is aimed at me in some fashion and I don't like it.    I don't like being assigned a role in her psycho-drama.

Thank you babyducks! I like what you said: her behaviour was aimed towards me in some fashion and I didn't like it. I don't want a role in her drama.
Like I said before: I wouldn't mind if she would just greet me. Or even engage in some small talk.
I would probably not really like it, but I would think 'looking away' would have been a normal reaction on the other side of the scale.

But this was none of that. And it therefore feels like some kind of psychological warfare. A cold war so to speak. Clearly aimed at me, but not with a clear goal. Not clear to me at least.

About my role: yeah, you are absolutely right and I would like to reach that point of being not affected. In that respect I am really glad I had a good night's sleep last night. I see that as something positive.
I am also somewhat proud that I didn't text her about this. I didn't give her any more attention.

Maybe I could have been strong enough to even 'confront' her last evening if she would have been alone. Although I am not sure if that would be best...
I do know that with these 2 friends she was with, any conversation would only have led to more drama.
She seems to derive her identity from those two and I know for a fact that they were very active in the painting black and gossiping... .

[babyducks]

Hey EdR

And it therefore feels like some kind of psychological warfare. A cold war so to speak. Clearly aimed at me, but not with a clear goal. Not clear to me at least.

I can understand the psychological warfare.   I like that description.   Let's use that.  

So we've kind of identified that people with this type of disordered thinking believe that changing the people around them will change how they feel and how life unfolds for them.

i.e. if her two supportive friends validate that the relationship was bad/horrible she feels better about the way she acted and feels firm in her convictions.  

the cold war could be about "see I am the better person because I am able to look you in the eye and not flinch"   it might be something else completely, something we won't be able to identify no matter how we speculate.

what is important here is that you've identified it as some kind of psychological drama that you don't like.

so giving her a brief wave and moving right along,   not texting her, and having a good nights sleep are all ways of not participating in the drama.     nice job.

what do you think the next steps  to not participate in the drama would be?

'ducks

[EdR]

I guess that's the hardest part. I have been thinking about these next steps a lot... .

Tbh I noticed the last couple of years that my best friends are living their own lives now. Nothing wrong with that, but I lost most of my social network because of that. I didn't want to see it at first, because every time we DO meet it feels really good. But I just cannot ignore it anymore... .I need to become more socially active again.

Thing is... .I just don't know how. Church is filled with old people, social contact seems to take place a lot more during the nightlife and dating seems to become more and more 'Tinder like'. Fast, superficial, focused on sex.

That's just not me... .and I am noticing a huge change with 10 years ago... .I don't meet people as easily anymore during daytime.

Perhaps that's what makes my pwBPD still so 'special' in a way. The connection I had with her was the best I had in years. And to achieve such a bond with someone else is hard. Maybe I still subconsciously see her as a kind of possible shortcut to happiness... .Like: what if she'd be her 'normal' self again...

[babyducks]

... .I need to become more socially active again.

Boy you and me both.   and I think you are right.   It's hard to make deep significant connections with people.    It involves putting in a lot of work.   A lot of superficial learning about people and getting to know people before you get a good comfortable contact.  at least that is my two cents.

Perhaps that's what makes my pwBPD still so 'special' in a way. The connection I had with her was the best I had in years. And to achieve such a bond with someone else is hard. Maybe I still subconsciously see her as a kind of possible shortcut to happiness... .Like: what if she'd be her 'normal' self again...

she's always her 'normal' self Ed.   Running hot and cold, switching from one intense emotion to another is normal for her.    she may show up in your neighborhood and give you the stink eye, and while that may feel aimed at you,  it's not personal to you.   it's how she expresses herself.

the relationships we had contained a lot of our deepest held thoughts, desires and dreams.   detaching those dreams and desires from one person, depersonalizing them in a way, makes them managable and obtainable again.

'ducks