mom with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,
I have never posted to an online forum before but I really need help dealing with my relationship with my mother.  For years I knew something was "off" - my mother treated me more like a parent than like a child, alternated between being close and loving and being distant and cold, and flew into uncontrollable rages.  I'm married, in my late 30s and I always thought that I would eventually have a relationship with my mother but now I see that that is not the case.  When I got married she seemed to cut me off completely.  It hurts every day - I feel like my mother is dead to me even though she is very much alive.  If I am ever blessed enough to have children of my own I don't want to repeat this pattern.  How does everyone else deal with the pain of having a borderline parent?

Thanks,
MA

[Marionette]

Hi,
I have never posted to an online forum before but I really need help dealing with my relationship with my mother.  For years I knew something was "off" - my mother treated me more like a parent than like a child, alternated between being close and loving and being distant and cold, and flew into uncontrollable rages.  I'm married, in my late 30s and I always thought that I would eventually have a relationship with my mother but now I see that that is not the case.  When I got married she seemed to cut me off completely.  It hurts every day - I feel like my mother is dead to me even though she is very much alive.  If I am ever blessed enough to have children of my own I don't want to repeat this pattern.  How does everyone else deal with the pain of having a borderline parent?

Thanks,
MA

[Turkish]

How did she treat you like a parent?

That you're here reaching out for answers means you are on a good path not to pass down the behaviors to the next generation.  We'd love to hear more on how we can help support you  



Turkish

[Zen606]

Hi Marionette,
I recently identified my mother's behavior as bp traits. I say traits because she was never diagnosed. I have been reading understanding the borderline mother by Lawson and see my mother all over the pages, as well as my father who was not a borderline individual but weak and did not protect us.

I certainly understand being afraid of having the traits yourself, I have feared this as well. If you do anything, I strongly recommend that the read the above book, it will not only help greatly in identifying the mother's behavior but also what it does to her children, and the risk of our developing the disorder.

Interesting that I put together the issue of my mother after ending a relationship of a year with a bp trait male. Some of his behaviors reminded me of hers and I started reading exploring his behaviors in the literature. I considered narcissism regarding him but much of the criteria did not fit, then I started reading about borderline and bingo! It all fit together; his, her behavior, the criteria for diagnosis. Needless to say I want nothing to do with him, and maintain minimal contact with her. Your saying she cut you off upon your marriage, borderlines are very much afraid of abandonment. She may have perceived your marriage as such.

I don't necessarily find having a mother with bp painful. What I do find painful is what she did to me, my brother, my sis, and my dad. She destroyed emotionally everything she touched.

Zen606

[Greg]

HI MA,
  So glad you found this place!  I cannot tell you how much it has helped me heal from my BPD "mother" abuse.  I put that in quotes because BPD's don't actually do any real mothering... .I consider myself an orphan.

First, I want to echo Zen606 and say yes, please read understanding the borderline mother or similar books - tremendously helpful.  And please, please do whatever you can to find professional help from a therapist who knows this stuff.  We cannot travel this journey alone!  BPD parents have warped our sense of truth and we need all the assistance we can get.

Your journey is new and so it will be very rocky at first.  The books will bring up a lot of painful memories and emotions.  Most of all, it will probably bring up issues of self-doubt / self-hatred, and other things that are due to the BPD "programming" us from an early age.  This is perfectly normal and OK!  Be kind + gentle to yourself as possible.  You are beginning an important healing journey.

I feel like my mother is dead to me even though she is very much alive

I feel very similarly about my BPD abuser.  The sad truth is that she probably never was really "alive."  BPD parent abuse is usually generational and travels a very long path through history.  If you are here that means you are probably the first to break the cycle, which is *huge.*  Be thankful for the effort you are making.

Good luck to you!
-Greg

[Zen606]

Hi Greg and MA,
I agree that as we begin this journey we do need much support, and therapy is one form, hopefully with a clinician that has knowledge of the issue. Another is reading and responding to posts in this forum, and accessing the material titled "healing when a family member has BPD" . If one has not realized the magnitude of what it is for a child to live with a BPD mother, then Lawson's book, specifically, will explain it well, as it not only deals with the child but also the mom, the mom as a child, and dad.

For those of us who grew up with a BPD mom, we may have gone through life knowing that something was wrong, yet not knowing what it was specifically. Being able to put one's finger on its name, is a great beginning, and joining this forum is a major step.  I came to the forum after a break-up with a bp trait male to process, and now rather than concentrate on him, and with the help of an excellent therapist  I am working on my own issues of abandonment and neglect, consequences of living by a BPD mom.
Great beginnings!
Zen606