Dealing with outbursts completely out of my control

[Chosen]

It's one thing to try and learn the Lessons so as to avoid triggering the pwBPDs, but how do you deal with outbursts that are completely unrelated to you, and triggered by something out of your control?

My uBPDh basically called me to shout at me.  What happened before was that I have been phone messaging him for the past hour during my lunch hour at work.  Having a toddler, I usually do grocery shopping or any kind of shopping at lunch only.  I have been sending him photos and so on of stuff I saw.  Then suddenly he called me with another phone and shouted at me, because apparently his phone has stopped working and he couldn't see the photo I sent him (of some food item that is on sale).  Obviously I didn't know his phone had suddenly stopped working, or else I would have stopped messaging him.  I said no worries, it is not an important thing, no need to load the photo (I told him what the photo is and he just shouted "how could I have seen it my phone broke down", just ignore it.

I didn't send him anything further, didn't JADE or anything (ok, I guess he was frustrated, but for me, his phone broke down, I didn't know it, didn't cause it, so now I will not send him stuff because obviously he will not be able to respond; as far as I'm concerned this episode is over), then he sent me a message using the other phone and said that "my phone is all messed up, and all you care is your shopping".  I haven't responded to it, I don't know how to.  I don't even want to validate the first part because this is all so ridiculous.  Before his phone broke down, I was shopping and taking photos of stuff and he didn't respond by saying that, so clearly it was triggered by the broken phone.  But I am hardly responsible for it! 

I don't want to respond and say "if I had known your phone was broken I wouldn't send you the photos", because it sounds like JADEing, even to me.  What would you say/ do in my situation?  Are there cases in which you don't respond at all and things don't get worse?

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[waitingwife]

I’m sorry for how this went downhill before you knew it. You are able to have the pause internally to recognize “what” JADEing would mean & hence “not” resort to it. You should be very proud of your ability to pause & introspect about what has not worked before ! How do you feel?
Is taking pictures of the grocery and checking in with your spouse a routine you guys follow? Could it be that your H speaks a different love language? I’ve had a situation with H once whenI went back to work where I’d slog on Sunday night to prep for his & D7s breakfast & lunch, etc for Monday “without “ them asking me to. When I was telling him the list of things I’ve prepared, he lost it & gave me an eye roll. I immediately jaded & we argued. I only realized later that he didn’t care for the bf/lunch, etc. it mattered to me coz I felt like even though I’m absent, I am doing something for my family. Lesson learnt was- next time ask before doing something. I work differently and my heart melts when someone does something for me without asking(and that also comes from my codependency issues of I’m not worthy of recieving). So we just had to change our love language.
Do you think you could go into the conversation with H and ask how does he feel? He’ll probably rant, blame or name call. Can you stay objective and depersonalize the words from his emotions? Sometimes for my H, venting helps evaporate half of the rage. I’d even brainstorm together & come ip with a way of making a list together on the weekend where you both list the items needed. What are you doing to takecare of yourself? What do you need the most right now?

[SunandMoon]

This is how BPD's can drive us nuts!

Chosen, it's possible that he didn't phone to shout AT you but was actually shouting about his phone. It was obviously frustrating him.

Well done on not JADEing! that would have just made things worse, as you know.
From his last text, I think he was complaining that you didn't validate him about his phone messing up.

My response when he first phoned would have been more like,  "Oh no, how annoying! What's it doing?"
Him: rant, shout, *bleep* phone... .
Me: "That's really annoying! Is there somewhere you can take it and get it fixed?"
And then probably help problem solve if he needed it.

You were focused on your shopping (understandable) and he was focused on his phone. It's not easy sometimes when their focus can change so fast!

[Tattered Heart]

It's one thing to try and learn the Lessons so as to avoid triggering the pwBPDs

Can I reframe this a little. The purpose of the Lessons is to let your pwBPD know you are listening to them and to help you learn new ways of communicating so you can feel heard and to help you stay in Wisemind. Sometimes just changing the goal can help us change our approach. So how could you respond in a way that let's him know you are listening?

Great job not JADEing!

I said no worries, it is not an important thing, no need to load the photo

This statement could easily be seen as invalidating. He is upset because he was trying to communicate with you through the phone, that didn't work, so he found a new way to communicate. And now he was just told that the hoops he went through to contact you were unimportant. Yeah, not really rational thinking, but feelings are not rational.

How would he respond to you saying "That sucks that your phone stopped working" or "I get so mad when my phone doesn't work too".

SunandMoon and waitingwife also suggested some other wording that could help him be heard.

[Chosen]

This statement could easily be seen as invalidating. He is upset because he was trying to communicate with you through the phone, that didn't work, so he found a new way to communicate. And now he was just told that the hoops he went through to contact you were unimportant. Yeah, not really rational thinking, but feelings are not rational.

I haven't thought of it this way... .but you're right.  I thought I dropped the topic quick enough by saying the photo doesn't matter, but to him I was probably still going on about the photo (although I wasn't the one who asked about the photo in the first place... .he did, by asking me "what did you send me".

He was most definitely shouting AT me, because it included personal attacks (in that I only shopped while he took care of the home, etc).  But I don't think he actually meant it; he was voicing out his frustration which stemmed from the phone.  Because if his phone was working he obviously wouldn't have minded me walking about a supermarket during lunch break at work... .

In the end I chose to leave to not talk to him further about the matter, and when I got home he was fine.  He was understandably frustrated, I validated him about the phone (and he did tell me the phone is important to him because he could get in touch with me; if it's not working how would he know I'm fine- because I'm currently pregnant), I validated his care for me, and he didn't go on about his frustrations anymore.  So it was crisis resolved!

[isilme]

Ha - this happened pretty much last night.  H's phone is old, and he's been fighting getting a new one, even as the old one is losing functionality.  Each time he tries to do something on it that doesn't work, from pasting information to simply having apps crash - it's me that gets yelled at.

Here's the trick for me - he once admitted that he CAN NOT feel he got his anger and frustration out, no matter the cause, unless he yells at a person.  It can be the weather changing.  It can be a flat tire that is no one's fault.  It can be his phone (or any electronic system) not working. 

Well.  He can't yell at his boss.  He might get arrested if he just yells at strangers in public.  So, he yells at me.  Knowing this is how he (badly) processes his anger and frustration can sometimes help me not JADE or invalidate. 

If I don't take the yelling personally, I don't feel a need to defend myself over it.  I DO have the "it's not a big deal" feeling that can be invaldating, or the "I have a solution for now let's just do that" mindset, and I DO get frustrated myself as he sits there and tries to pound square pegs in round holes over and over, getting amdder and madder, and had to conscioulsy tell ymself to not let ME get worked up because he was making lots of noise (triggers my PTSD) and that he is perfectly allowed ot ahve these feelings and it's not my "job" to "fix" them. 

In the end I chose to leave to not talk to him further about the matter, and when I got home he was fine.

Often, I find this is ALL I can do - just keep on with what I need to be doing and wait for him to reach his "reset" point.  They panic, we panic, both sides hurt each other.  We keep our heads, allow them to express their feelings since feelings rule their worlds much of the time, things seem to be less dramatic overall.