Hi Donie,
It's great if you can find something in person, a way to be in contact with people that way, but you have us here online as well! This place can also offer a lot of support and is another "tool" you will likely want to keep in your toolbox!
I am no expert, but my first thought on your description of your interactions with your wife is that you are having some struggle with boundaries and perhaps with validating. Is that right?
Remember, as we say, boundaries are for us, for what is acceptable or not acceptable for us, not as a way to control others. I think when you remind yourself of this inside, even at the time it is happening, it can be very liberating in a sense, make you feel good that you are doing something proactive, positive, and totally within bounds to take care of yourself. So, sounds good that you are walking away and not engaging at times that you are being yelled at for example. Does she know when/if you'll be back to talk over the issue at a later point? I know I've seen other members say things like "I'll be back in thirty minutes" or something so that they don't trigger abandonment issues in their partner. This is just something to consider, and may not apply, all of our situations are different, and no need to overcomplicate things if they don't make sense for your specific issues... .
Now, on these issues I worry that you are accidentally perpetuating the problem a bit by appeasing for the short term gain of a little peace. We've all been there, you hear that kind of thing echoed here all the time. But, and again, I am no expert, but there are tools to try to make adjustments on such matters. You do not and should not be saying sorry for things that you are not sorry for, or that don't really require an apology. It could be making things worse, and if it is making you feel worse than we do have a problem there!
I think perhaps by
working on validating you could positively contribute to an environment where she has a better chance to not hear things as criticism. I know speaking with my husband last night I had to make some tough comments about his recent behaviors towards me, but I also had to pay careful attention to what he can hear or not hear and how much emotion he can handle. Sometimes, in my case, I find that I have to learn to accept that I have to limit things. Get the apology and get out of the conversation, let the apology be good enough, really take it and move on. His emotions get overwhelmed very easily. But ultimately this also works for me because the things he says and does are emotionally draining for me as well so I don't want to get stuck on an emotional rollercoaster anyway. I want solutions and a team approach... .but I do manage to get him on board and get him back on an upswing.
Can you give us more specifics about the things you are apologizing for and how and we can collectively see if there is a positive adjustment to be made here that could give the chance for better outcomes?wishing you peace, pearlsw.
