I desperately need interaction and just somewhere to go and just be with others

[Donie]

I don’t really know where or how to start. I have been in this relationship for almost 7 years. I have a lot of room for her abusive words because I know it’s not her fault. She had a really horrible childhood, starting at a very young age. Her mother has BPD and abandoned her at a young age creating this horrific cycle of abuse.
When I feel done, like I cannot handle this relationship any longer I usually read forums or BPD articles and it helps me reset. I want her to get more help but she keeps rejecting the diagnosis and I don’t know if she can get the helps she needs without the dx.
There are really good days and really bad ones. I have learned that when she gets angry I can simply walk away to help set boundaries. Although, I have to be honest it only provides a boundary in that moment. Sometimes it’s as little as disagreeing about the smallest thing or suggesting in any way, shape or form that she is wrong about anything (big or small)  and she rages. So I tend to agree with most things and apologize for upsetting her and I usually have no idea what I’m apologizing for. I listen to enough of her rage to pick something she has projected onto me or believes is the direct cause for her rage and I say sorry for it. Just to get her to stop. Otherwise the threats go on and on. For the first time in a long time I recently took 1/2 day to myself and realized I couldn’t remember the last time I decided something on my own (outside of work), like what to eat, where to go, even which route to take.
I am in a place where I need help. I have been trying to find a support group in my area because I desperately need interaction and just somewhere to go and just be with others that might understand and offer advice/support. It also feels important to find a physical place to go and get out of the house.
Does anyone know a more commonly named support group that could help? Thank you for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Silver12]

Hi,

I am new to this forum.  I have a spouse that is on the BPD spectrum. She mostly has intense feelings of abandonment. I am looking for any support groups meeting in the Chicago suburbs.  If you know of any, please let me know.

Thank You

[Silver12]

I understand how you are feeling as I have similar struggles in my relationship.  I see you are looking for a support group.  What area do you live?

[Skip]

Your best bet is to contact www.depts.washington.edu/uwbrtc/  Its your regional center of excellence.

We welcome you to participate here, too. We are available 24/7. We're family.

[pearlsw]

Hi Donie,

It's great if you can find something in person, a way to be in contact with people that way, but you have us here online as well! This place can also offer a lot of support and is another "tool" you will likely want to keep in your toolbox!

I am no expert, but my first thought on your description of your interactions with your wife is that you are having some struggle with boundaries and perhaps with validating. Is that right?

Remember, as we say, boundaries are for us, for what is acceptable or not acceptable for us, not as a way to control others. I think when you remind yourself of this inside, even at the time it is happening, it can be very liberating in a sense, make you feel good that you are doing something proactive, positive, and totally within bounds to take care of yourself. So, sounds good that you are walking away and not engaging at times that you are being yelled at for example. Does she know when/if you'll be back to talk over the issue at a later point? I know I've seen other members say things like "I'll be back in thirty minutes" or something so that they don't trigger abandonment issues in their partner. This is just something to consider, and may not apply, all of our situations are different, and no need to overcomplicate things if they don't make sense for your specific issues... .

Now, on these issues I worry that you are accidentally perpetuating the problem a bit by appeasing for the short term gain of a little peace. We've all been there, you hear that kind of thing echoed here all the time. But, and again, I am no expert, but there are tools to try to make adjustments on such matters. You do not and should not be saying sorry for things that you are not sorry for, or that don't really require an apology. It could be making things worse, and if it is making you feel worse than we do have a problem there! 

I think perhaps by working on validating you could positively contribute to an environment where she has a better chance to not hear things as criticism. I know speaking with my husband last night I had to make some tough comments about his recent behaviors towards me, but I also had to pay careful attention to what he can hear or not hear and how much emotion he can handle. Sometimes, in my case, I find that I have to learn to accept that I have to limit things. Get the apology and get out of the conversation, let the apology be good enough, really take it and move on. His emotions get overwhelmed very easily. But ultimately this also works for me because the things he says and does are emotionally draining for me as well so I don't want to get stuck on an emotional rollercoaster anyway. I want solutions and a team approach... .but I do manage to get him on board and get him back on an upswing.

Can you give us more specifics about the things you are apologizing for and how and we can collectively see if there is a positive adjustment to be made here that could give the chance for better outcomes?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Donie,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so worn down by your relationship. Being in a BPD relationship really takes it toll at times. I hope you are able to find a local resource from the link Skip provided. I would also like to encourage you to read more about Validating our pwBPD as pearlsw suggested. We don't realize it but often when we apologize, defend, justify, or explain ourselves it caues our pwBPD to get more angry because it invalidates what they said. To a pwBPD feelings=facts and when we try to reason with them, without addressing their feelings first, it escalates quickly.

One of the first skills I learned from this site was Don't JADE . Will you take a read through and share your thoughts about how you think Don't JADE + Validating might work in your situation.

Could you share a specific disagreement and how you responded to her? We can help you work on some new responses.

[NonBP73]

I don’t really know where or how to start. I have been in this relationship for almost 7 years. I have a lot of room for her abusive words because I know it’s not her fault. She had a really horrible childhood, starting at a very young age. Her mother has BPD and abandoned her at a young age creating this horrific cycle of abuse.
When I feel done, like I cannot handle this relationship any longer I usually read forums or BPD articles and it helps me reset. I want her to get more help but she keeps rejecting the diagnosis and I don’t know if she can get the helps she needs without the dx.
There are really good days and really bad ones. I have learned that when she gets angry I can simply walk away to help set boundaries. Although, I have to be honest it only provides a boundary in that moment. Sometimes it’s as little as disagreeing about the smallest thing or suggesting in any way, shape or form that she is wrong about anything (big or small)  and she rages. So I tend to agree with most things and apologize for upsetting her and I usually have no idea what I’m apologizing for. I listen to enough of her rage to pick something she has projected onto me or believes is the direct cause for her rage and I say sorry for it. Just to get her to stop. Otherwise the threats go on and on. For the first time in a long time I recently took 1/2 day to myself and realized I couldn’t remember the last time I decided something on my own (outside of work), like what to eat, where to go, even which route to take.
I am in a place where I need help. I have been trying to find a support group in my area because I desperately need interaction and just somewhere to go and just be with others that might understand and offer advice/support. It also feels important to find a physical place to go and get out of the house.
Does anyone know a more commonly named support group that could help? Thank you for listening.

Feel like I could have written this myself, word for word.