Who's Choosing Who?

[Jeffree]

After my first divorce from a BPD, I had the feeling that I made a bad choice being with her and have consistently made bad relationship choices. While going through hell with my STBx these past few years, I had a similar thought.

But here's the thing... .

Over the past 20 years these two women have been just about the only ones who seemed interested in dating me. They are certainly the only two with whom I had anything resembling an extended relationship with.

I've met a decent amount of women over the years, gone on enough dates, but at no point was there some awesome woman dying to be with me who I rejected because she was too nice and normal.

What I am saying is that it's not like I am drawn to the BPD personality type and doomed to always struggle with my SO. It's just how it has worked out lately.

I think sometimes that's just how the luck of the draw is. Sometimes the person who seems to be a special someone actually is your companion for life, and sometimes its a wolf in sheep's clothing.

J

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jeffree, Let me ask you a question: what are you looking for in terms of a SO?  And I don't mean someone, as you put it, who seems "interested in dating [you]."  I mean, what are the qualities that you find most attractive in a woman?  That might be a good starting place for you.   

LuckyJim

[zachira]

I am on my third time in therapy, and on my third try have been in therapy for seven years.  As I have become more self-assured and a more well rounded individual, more like the kind of people I would like to have in my life, I find that the highly dysfunctional people don't want to be around me as much, and the genuinely nice people are more interested in my company.  It is very painful to face all of the dysfunctional relationships I have had, and how my own behavior contributed to my attracting these types of people into my life. I am also happier than I have ever been as I increase the more rewarding relationships in my life while still being challenged by some of my old behaviors which cause conflict with people that will probably never have the ability to have rewarding intimate relationships. I am working on setting better boundaries with others, and being the best person I can be, which is work that will never end as long as I am alive.

[valet]

Hey Jeffree, I get what you're saying. In my own experience there is only so much you can know prior to being with someone at a more intimate level. And we all have tough luck with relationships at times.

Still, I'm left confused about what you're trying to get at here. Is there something in particular you're looking for advice about or would like to discuss?

[Skip]

I had a friend of mine tell me something like this - it was a women. She felt that she wasn't attracting quality men. I pointed out that she has hanging out in the wrong places and spending time with men who she knew really weren't good or her (but were available). That this was blocking her access to good men.

Her response.  "I never thought of that".

[Jeffree]

All I’m getting at is that at a certain point how these things work out is a matter of luck. You just never know how someone you trust with your hopes and dreams is going to react when they hit their own personal emotional bump in the road or how they will react to adversity.

I guess I’m just trying to forgive myself for getting unlucky twice at marriage.

J

[enlighten me]

I dont think anyone here would have chosen knowing what we now know the people we did. The person we met and the person we split from are in most cases two completely different people. Their behaviour was hidden from us in the beginning. That said we all ignored red flags and in a lot of cases it was because we didn't want to see them as everything else we were seeing was what we had always hoped for in a life partner.

Do we attract them or are we attracted to them? A bit of both probably.

Yes theres a matter of luck. but if you look at the odds then its a lot more likely that we meet these people than you might think. Some pwBPD will have more partners in a year than most people have in ten. My exgf for example has been married twice, lived with a dozen other men and had on average since we split two relationships a year plus god knows how many casual relationships. So if you say she has had 50 longish term partners then that is fifty people that have been in a BPD relationship with just one pwBPD.

[happendtome]

It is interesting topic. I think myself that i have met and also had relationships with normal women, but there was something different with my ex. With my ex, it was so EASY. Thats right, I basically didnt had to do anything to get things going. These things were you have to prove first that youre actually serious. Nothing like that with my ex. It all went itself.

So, to be honest, take it slow and you will avoid all these BPD-s and NPD-s. Seriously. If you see that she is rushing, put brakes on or even cut it. We cant always blame our partners when we were the ones who let it happen at first place. It takes two to tango.

Take time, enjoy life, enjoy freedom, meet other women or find some hobby. Life is beautiful once you see it. Theres nothing to miss.

[gotbushels]

All I’m getting at is that at a certain point how these things work out is a matter of luck.

There are heaps more experienced people on this board but I do agree that there's sometimes a heavy dose of luck involved with who you meet.

You just never know how someone you trust with your hopes and dreams is going to react when they hit their own personal emotional bump in the road or how they will react to adversity.

It can be hard to know how they react, especially when both people are trying to put their best feet forward early on.