Thinking FOR Them?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Seems as though I've been reading some posts and replies where the general idea is one of a non thinking for their BPD in interpreting their words or actions.

Here's an example:  I think he was... .<fill in blank>.

I have to say that every time I run across a post where a non is engaging in what I would call magical thinking on behalf of their BPD it strikes me as dangerous for the non in the false sense it can give of thinking they are with someone who is reliable, consistent, and knowable and capable of the actual generous (more than likely) acts and thoughts they are being seen as capable of.

1) I don't see how anyone could ever feel confident in knowing anyone else's mindset, especially that of a BPD.

2) This seems to be the crux of this idea of being in a one-way relationship, where the non fills in the blanks on behalf of their absent (emotionally, physically) BPD. "Oh, he's just afraid of the intimacy." being an example of such a generous interpretation of their supposedly true intent or actions.

3) It can also short circuit the demands of a bigger conversation/discussion that needs to be had between the non and BPD. Such a convo could start off: "What did you mean by what you said when you said, 'XXXXXXX?'"

I dunno. I'm just trying to throw out this idea that thinking on a BPDs behalf, instead pressing them for answers (which they could very well lie about anyway), is a dangerous exercise that can truly wind up flummoxing a non.

Thoughts?

J

[Jeffree]

Seems as though I've been reading some posts and replies where the general idea is one of a non thinking for their BPD in interpreting their words or actions.

Here's an example:  I think he was... .<fill in blank>.

I have to say that every time I run across a post where a non is engaging in what I would call magical thinking on behalf of their BPD it strikes me as dangerous for the non in the false sense it can give of thinking they are with someone who is reliable, consistent, and knowable and capable of the actual generous (more than likely) acts and thoughts they are being seen as capable of.

1) I don't see how anyone could ever feel confident in knowing anyone else's mindset, especially that of a BPD.

2) This seems to be the crux of this idea of being in a one-way relationship, where the non fills in the blanks on behalf of their absent (emotionally, physically) BPD. "Oh, he's just afraid of the intimacy." being an example of such a generous interpretation of their supposedly true intent or actions.

3) It can also short circuit the demands of a bigger conversation/discussion that needs to be had between the non and BPD. Such a convo could start off: "What did you mean by what you said when you said, 'XXXXXXX?'"

I dunno. I'm just trying to throw out this idea that thinking on a BPDs behalf, instead pressing them for answers (which they could very well lie about anyway), is a dangerous exercise that can truly wind up flummoxing a non.

Thoughts?

J

[araneina]

Absolutely.  I thought all the time for my ex rather than communicating my concerns/thoughts.  For me, however, the problem was that the few times I tried to communicate my thoughts to him he very quickly shut them down or reacted defensively.  In my desperation to preserve the relationship, I stopped communicating and instead settled on "filling in the blanks."  Which, obviously, did not go well.

[Jeffree]

Eventually the blanks get filled in with, "No, he/she actually is a flaming ass%$1e!"

And it was very freeing to finally realize she was never going to deliver on any promises she made along the way, regardless of how helpful or simple they would have been to do.

When I stopped believing her reasonable words, and watched how she didn't live by them, I was done.

J

[TurbanCowboy]

Absolutely.  I thought all the time for my ex rather than communicating my concerns/thoughts.  For me, however, the problem was that the few times I tried to communicate my thoughts to him he very quickly shut them down or reacted defensively.  In my desperation to preserve the relationship, I stopped communicating and instead settled on "filling in the blanks."  Which, obviously, did not go well.

Yep,

Tried to listen and help and I was accused of taking the sides of others or not just sitting there and letting her vent.

When I’d just sit there and let her vent then she would get upset and accuse me
of not listening.

Damned either way.

[Jeffree]

Her: ":)on't just apologize to shut me up."

If only it was that simple. LOL!

[araneina]

I wonder if this goes in the same vein.  My ex frequently remarked how we never fought (this was at the beginning).  He kept saying "Usually by now I have a big fight but we never fight!"  He seemed to EXPECT a fight, whereas when I am upset with someone I usually bring it up, discuss it rationally, and move on.  At the time I assumed it was because we were so "perfect" for each other that we just didn't have anything to fight about, but I wonder now if it's because I was keeping all of my disagreements to myself because I knew an argument with him would be futile and one sided.

[TurbanCowboy]

I wonder if this goes in the same vein.  My ex frequently remarked how we never fought (this was at the beginning).  He kept saying "Usually by now I have a big fight but we never fight!"  He seemed to EXPECT a fight, whereas when I am upset with someone I usually bring it up, discuss it rationally, and move on.  At the time I assumed it was because we were so "perfect" for each other that we just didn't have anything to fight about, but I wonder now if it's because I was keeping all of my disagreements to myself because I knew an argument with him would be futile and one sided.

My soon to be ex wife used to tell me she wouldn’t be with me
If I couldn’t fight.

She used to say she’s ready for a fight if I was.  If I didn’t engage that was a sign of not caring about the relationship.

She would make comment after comment and provoke and if I raised my voice then I was he bad guy and was told not to raise my voice. It was infuriating.

It never was about the behavior that was generating my reaction, only my reaction mattered.  For a long time she hit me or threw things at me and she always felt justified because I had raised my voice? I’m sorry, I don’t see that as an even trade, especially when the person who is resorting to physical violence is also provoking.

I used to tell her all the time that my dad was a high conflict personality and that it wore on my relationship with him while I lived in the house. If you want me to be more affectionate you have to stop creating resentment over stupid stuff. She never figured it out.

So many of these situations could have easily been diffused but she didn’t have that skill which is why she has instability with all her relationships and few friends.

The irony is that we didn’t fight much after our recent move and I think that bores her or should have been a sign that she was developing an interest in someone else.

I think the more she was attached to me during the 10 years the more she pushed away. 

I can’t wait to see what happens with my replacement.

[araneina]

My soon to be ex wife used to tell me she wouldn’t be with me
If I couldn’t fight.

She used to say she’s ready for a fight if I was.  If I didn’t engage that was a sign of not caring about the relationship.

She would make comment after comment and provoke and if I raised my voice then I was he bad guy and was told not to raise my voice. It was infuriating.

It never was about the behavior that was generating my reaction, only my reaction mattered.  For a long time she hit me or threw things at me and she always felt justified because I had raised my voice? I’m sorry, I don’t see that as an even trade, especially when the person who is resorting to physical violence is also provoking.

I used to tell her all the time that my dad was a high conflict personality and that it wore on my relationship with him while I lived in the house. If you want me to be more affectionate you have to stop creating resentment over stupid stuff. She never figured it out.

So many of these situations could have easily been diffused but she didn’t have that skill which is why she has instability with all her relationships and few friends.

The irony is that we didn’t fight much after our recent move and I think that bores her or should have been a sign that she was developing an interest in someone else.

I think the more she was attached to me during the 10 years the more she pushed away. 

I can’t wait to see what happens with my replacement.

Oh my gosh... .that sounds terrifying.  My ex was never violent and never yelled at me - however he admitted when he was younger he was the type to publicly admonish his girlfriends or do things like grab their wrists or shoulders... .I'm pretty sure if he tried that with me it would have gone very badly.

I always thought the fighting comment was very strange.

My replacement looks so sweet.