I had to cut contact...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I'm new to all this... .and not sure where to start.  My mother has all signs/symptoms of BPD but refuses to go to a doctor to be diagnosed or treated.  I had a pretty good childhood, (she would have periods of time where everything was great!) but as child, I did have to quickly learn what to say/not say in order to not set her off; watch the way I say things so she doesn't take it the wrong way and get "upset"; always side with her so she doesn't explode and blame me for everything, etc, etc, etc... .I also learned to quickly forgive because the next day she would either act like it never happened or wouldn't remember saying/doing the things she's did.  (The quickly forgiving has especially has messed with my relationship choices as I grew older.)

Excuses were always made for her behavior -- she has had a rough life growing up, (sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc.) and her mother (my grandmother) was the same way... .

This past Christmas and New Year holiday have been a literal nightmare.  Her "episodes" (for lack of better words, please forgive me) seem to flair when she drinks and can last a day to days/weeks.  This time, it was because she drank too much and started an shouting match with my sister's in-laws at a Christmas party.  The in-laws, understandably, have not yet forgiven her for her actions and this is driving my mother mad.  My sister and I have beared the brunt of this --she calls us horrible names, tells us we are no longer her children, never wants to see her grandchildren again, then after a couple days tells us she misses us and wants to talk.  She apologizes with an "I'm sorry, but... ." which typically gives an excuse for her actions.

Last night was the worst night.  I had to cut all contact with her -- I had all the emotional abuse I could stand.  Being called hateful names and told that I no longer have a mother is something you can hear only so many times.

Please tell me I'm not the only one out there?  Thank you so much for reading... .

[blondie0507]

Hi,

I'm new to all this... .and not sure where to start.  My mother has all signs/symptoms of BPD but refuses to go to a doctor to be diagnosed or treated.  I had a pretty good childhood, (she would have periods of time where everything was great!) but as child, I did have to quickly learn what to say/not say in order to not set her off; watch the way I say things so she doesn't take it the wrong way and get "upset"; always side with her so she doesn't explode and blame me for everything, etc, etc, etc... .I also learned to quickly forgive because the next day she would either act like it never happened or wouldn't remember saying/doing the things she's did.  (The quickly forgiving has especially has messed with my relationship choices as I grew older.)

Excuses were always made for her behavior -- she has had a rough life growing up, (sexual abuse, emotional abuse, etc.) and her mother (my grandmother) was the same way... .

This past Christmas and New Year holiday have been a literal nightmare.  Her "episodes" (for lack of better words, please forgive me) seem to flair when she drinks and can last a day to days/weeks.  This time, it was because she drank too much and started an shouting match with my sister's in-laws at a Christmas party.  The in-laws, understandably, have not yet forgiven her for her actions and this is driving my mother mad.  My sister and I have beared the brunt of this --she calls us horrible names, tells us we are no longer her children, never wants to see her grandchildren again, then after a couple days tells us she misses us and wants to talk.  She apologizes with an "I'm sorry, but... ." which typically gives an excuse for her actions.

Last night was the worst night.  I had to cut all contact with her -- I had all the emotional abuse I could stand.  Being called hateful names and told that I no longer have a mother is something you can hear only so many times.

Please tell me I'm not the only one out there?  Thank you so much for reading... .

[Struggles]

Hi blondie0507,

Welcome to the board.  I’m so sorry you are going through this with your mom.  I don’t really have a lot of advice as I’m sort of new to the board and trying to work through things, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. 

The person with BPD in my life is my MIL, she is undiagnosed.  She has done the same things to my husband and his siblings.  We went no contact at the end of September.  Her behavior over the last year has really escalated and my husband was already low contact before hand, then she started telling my husband and his siblings that they never did anything for her, called them names, threatened my sister in law, blocked me in a public restroom and grabbed my arm.  This was enough to cut off all contact for my husband.  Then she started spreading horrible rumors about me, and since then neither my husband or I have spoken to her. 

It’s so very hard to go no contact, but sometimes it’s what we have to do to care for ourselves.  Whether it be for just a breather, or long term, sometimes it’s just needed for our own mental health. 

We were always the forgivers and peace makers as well.  So at first it felt very odd to be on the other side of the spectrum and begin taking up for ourselves. 

Hoping for peace for you.  You and only you know what is best for you.

So glad you found this place, everyone here has been so helpful and knowledgeable.  Plus, it’s just very therapeutic to share your feelings with people who are going through the same things.   

[blondie0507]

... .then she started telling my husband and his siblings that they never did anything for her, called them names, threatened my sister in law, blocked me in a public restroom and grabbed my arm.  This was enough to cut off all contact for my husband.  Then she started spreading horrible rumors about me, and since then neither my husband or I have spoken to her. 

Struggles, thank you so much!  My mom has this in common with your MIL.  Last night she was brining up anything under the sun that I (or my husband) has done wrong in the past, even though we've worked through it and moved on.  Called us names and has been physical with my sister.

I am so glad I found this site -- It has been so great knowing I can reach out to others that understand!   

[madeline7]

Welcome, and you are surrounding by others here who unfortunately understand what you are going through. I am not new to this, but recently found this board after my circumstances changed. When my uBPDm recently became a widow and moved into the same town to be close to me and my siblings, life changed dramatically for me. This is when the veil of denial was lifted and the enabling was no longer "working". I have tried LC and periods of NC. Although I feel better during NC, I have tried repeatedly to be LC in order to maintain some peace so my young adult children can continue to have family holidays with the entire group. It has been a series of chaotic and unstable silences, rages, manipulation and lies. It is exhausting, but I do find hope in the posts I see on this board. There is a lot of useful information and group support. Keep working on taking care of yourself.

[blondie0507]

Welcome, and you are surrounding by others here who unfortunately understand what you are going through. I am not new to this, but recently found this board after my circumstances changed. When my uBPDm recently became a widow and moved into the same town to be close to me and my siblings, life changed dramatically for me. This is when the veil of denial was lifted and the enabling was no longer "working". I have tried LC and periods of NC. Although I feel better during NC, I have tried repeatedly to be LC in order to maintain some peace so my young adult children can continue to have family holidays with the entire group. It has been a series of chaotic and unstable silences, rages, manipulation and lies. It is exhausting, but I do find hope in the posts I see on this board. There is a lot of useful information and group support. Keep working on taking care of yourself.

Thank you so much Madeline, I have tried LC before I went NC and it definitely didn't work.  Anything I said that wasn't in agreement with what she believed would just start the rage all over again... .So I can definitely understand that!  It is super exhausting!  Finding this board has been such a releif for me... I actually found others out there that I can relate to!    Take care!

[girlexplorer]

For my own sanity I cut contact about 95% with my mom several years ago, wrote her a letter, told her why, and after processing the guilt, wow I feel so much better. I do call her occasionally to say hello and call for holidays and her birthday. She is civil, so it works out well for me. I believe that sending her the letter and explaining why with no minced words really helped.

Girl explorer

[Daga]

Hi Blondie,

You are not the only one!   I am currently going thru a very similar situation and recently cut off contact with both of my parents.  It has only been 3 weeks since I have not spoken to them and i have to say it has been a very hard and long road getting to the point where I felt the only option I had was to cut all contact.  I do not have much insight for you as i'm still processing everything but your question "Please tell me I'm not the only one?" resonated with me and it is precisely the question i have been asking myself for the last few months.

I wanted to share a recent experience with you in hopes that it may be helpful.  It is not my intention to deflect or take attention from your post but as i'm still processing my thoughts are still raw experiences rather then well thought out advice

Last week i was discussing with my therapist the guilt I have associated with not talking to my parents (back story my mom has been diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and my dad is an alcoholic and in the last 6 months the verbal and emotional abusive from both of them has became unbearable.)  I was telling her about my guilt associated with finally deciding not to speak with my parents and that one part of me feels like i should just suck it up and give in to their whim and not cause any waves and then i just blurted out "but I just don't want to be miserable!"  She smiled and said "Ahha!"  I looked at her funny, as clearly this was an obvious statement.  But at that moment I realized how messed up it was that I felt i had to suffer in order to be a "good" daughter to my mother or for that matter to have any sort of a relationship with her.  This Christmas was so bad that i developed an eye twitch - I worked as an aid worker in a disaster zone for a year and my body has never reacted this way to stress.  Up to that point i didn't understand how deeply i have been conditioned to put my mothers behaviour and needs before my own and if she was in pain i needed to be in pain as well.  Finally, I permitted myself to listen to my gut and my gut says "NO! - don't go there it's not safe".  So I gave myself the permission to put myself first,  not to feel responsible for fixing this situation and letting the universe take its course.  Meanwhile, I'm being kind to myself and taking care of my body both physically and emotional, whatever that means.  If that means going to yoga or binge watching netflix, it doesn't matter,  I decided to stop judging myself and I'm slowly replacing all the negative voices from my childhood with my therapist voice that always says: "be kind to yourself."  I'm slowly starting to heal

I hope this helps even if it's a tiny bit. 

[ninjacat]

You are definitely not the only one!  Many of us here understand what you're going through and have had to limit or completely cut contact with our BPD parent.  This forum is an incredibly validating and supportive environment- I'm so glad that you found it!

[Greg]

Being called hateful names and told that I no longer have a mother is something you can hear only so many times.

Please tell me I'm not the only one out there?  Thank you so much for reading... .

Yep, you are not alone.  Oh wow, my BPD "mother" had quite a vocabulary when it came to names and emotional abuse.  and the screaming was just so much... .like I'll never know where she got the energy to scream that much on a daily basis.

In my teenage years I learned how to scream back, curse back at her... .though somehow I knew I didn't want to just mimick her behavior.

That's the thing about having "some" contact - they will pry us, get at us in the most conniving ways cause, after all, they know us pretty well.  Eventually they end up at the same place: eroding our self-worth, raging at us, and blaming us for the world.  While we hope for change we have to accept the reality.  That train is never late.

Congrats on going No Contact!  This is the only way to be IMO, if at all possible.  BPDs are extremely dangerous and creating space for ourselves to heal is the first step to recovery.

[ArtemisGardens]

Wow, Blondie.

  Reading your experience was almost word for word the same experience I had with my BPDm right before and after Xmas. You are 100% not alone. 

I agree with Greg about the "some contact" and how they will pry at you until you are broken, so I cannot recommend it.

Daga made an excellent statement on how we feel guilty for not communicating with our parents, but also how miserable we feel while in contact with them. Many of us feel responsible for fixing whatever is upsetting our BPD-family member and a lot of times the "fixer" mindset carries over into other aspects of our lives. Being a "fixer" is not always rewarding and can be more draining. Practicing self-care is imperative!

My relationship with my mother began to get worse when I moved 15 minutes away from her. NC seems the only way to achieve peace living this close to her. When I lived 2+ hours away, we had LC-due to distance- and our relationship was so much better.

I hope that you find a healthy balance if you choose to contact your mother in the future. It is 100% valid to choose No Contact, also. Do not feel obligated to contact someone who destroys your self-worth just because you once had a good relationship and you are related.