Something's Wrong - I think my eldest daughter has BPD

[Feeling Better]

Hi Merlot

Let me first say how pleased I am to hear that you have connected with your exMIL and that you intend to get together when you are next able to.

Im struck by WW words to FB about staying connected even if its just through periodic messaging to let hrr lnow I still care. I will reach out again soon.

I’m so glad that you read this in my thread Merlot, it seems as though it has helped you as much as it helped me. Prior to this I had been contemplating just giving up and walking away, but WW has given me new hope. So, nothing ventured nothing gained, as they say.

Out of interest, can I ask you, as I was asked, what do you consider for you to be the best frequency for reaching out?

Walking with you x 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Feeling Better

Yes, it's given me some hope too.

Out of interest, can I ask you, as I was asked, what do you consider for you to be the best frequency for reaching out?

I'm really not sure, I think it will be intuitive more than anything else.  I think this time, like you it will be a card/note.  I did buy a beautiful little dress with butterflies on it for my GD while on holidays (both my girls loved their butterfly dresses when they were little).  I've held off sending it... .I think it's because I'm still stuck in a little fear about the reaction but I'm working on de-personalising.

I will be in my home state in two weeks and looking forward to catching up with my ex -MIL.  My youngest sent through pictures of the wedding album, just so beautiful, including those of my DD and GD.

Thanks for asking FB. What about you, what do you think?

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hi Merlot,

The butterfly dress sounds beautiful and I do get how you feel about sending it, I always say go with your gut.

Wentworth gave good advice to me when he said:

But if you don't reach out, he can blame you for rejecting him.  You can reach out, be authentic, express the motherly love that you feel, and let him own his own reactions

I really like the “let him own his own reactions” bit, but that is me, you may feel differently. I believe in trying to be true to myself, to do what feels right for me, to do whatever I can happily live with and for me I think that means to keep trying because I need to know that I did my best. For me, no one else, just me.

I am thinking of maybe contacting my son end of September/beginning of October and then again at Christmas, spacing it out roughly every 2-3 months. I was an emotional wreck when I was contacting him before, I was emailing him every week because I was so fearful of him cutting me out. I look back and I see now how desperate I was at that time. Knowing what to write though is another thing but at least I have time to work on it. I am in a different place now emotionally so I won’t be coming over to him as desperate and needy. When I first came here I never thought that I would ever be able to email my son without expecting a reply.

You know your daughter Merlot, go with what feels right for you, we are here to support you along the way x  

[Merlot]

Hi FB

Thank you again 

Wentworth gives you sound advice

My DD27 had packed a box of my GDs clothes and left them with us (when we were in her favour) last year.  She left to our home state without them and my youngest now tells me she wants them back.

I thought it may be her way of trying to reach out (we only see what we want to see).  I suggested I bring most of them in my suitcase with me when I go back to my home state week after next.  Unfortunately, that suggestion was met with distaste.  She wants them now, so she can sell them.  My youngest told me that she has stopped talking to my DD27 about the NC between us, as my DD27 told her that she didn't want to discuss it anymore as it was driving a wedge in their sibling relationship.

It seems clear that she is still in a very hateful stage towards me, so I will send the box of clothes and the butterfly dress for GD with a message of care "thank you WW/FB", and like you FB, come here to talk, share my grief and keep hope alive.

I will post again after I have seen my ex-MIL

Merlot

Merlot