BPD Life in Winter = "We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard"

[isilme]

Nothing too crazy to report, just a series of little, snippy, snappy moments and some sleepless nights make me need to come here to type for a bit.

There is a funny movie review vlog we watch, that every year mocks the slim box-office offerings with an annual video called "F-You, It's January!"  That's kinda how things feel right now. 

H is in a mood - a mood of repeating his woeful refrains, seeming to need to wallow in pity right now, and snap at me for his choices to ignore responsibilities, trying to make it all my fault he has procrastinated on a project.

"We're broke" (we're not broke, we just need to be sensible especially after Christmas like everyone else).  Just because many of our electronic devices are all hitting a stage of obsolescence, and we can't just replace ALL of them in the same month, does not mean we are "broke".  Pick one, we replace it, wait a few months.  Repeat.  But that is logic, that is exercising control. 

"I'm dying, my body is broken, I failed at preventing diabetes, I can see why my mom lives on her couch, the world should just be happy I even GO to work... .etc."  It's cold - cold makes him feel worse physically.  The sun is also on its way down by the time we get out of work, and this adds to his already depressed state.  His sleep schedule has gotten terribly off since the holidays, and so he's not getting to sleep until about 3AM (meaning I am not often able to get uninterrupted sleep, if I can fall asleep). 

"I have no friends."  Well, if you exerted effort to GO spend time with them, you'd feel differently.  I have pleaded his excuses when people WANT us to join them, and gone on my own when I felt it was possible. 

"My legacy is nothing since I've finished no projects and we have no kids"  The you should have gotten your $hit together earlier in life and married me sooner where it'd not be a health risk for me or the child, and not been such a basket case to live with that I may have felt better about having kids.  And, only YOU stop yourself from working on projects. 

"You're just going to leave me."  Sigh.  Just needed to vent a bit.  Trying tools, feel like overall I am stopping from JADEing as much as I feel the need to do.  Feels like a long week and I am just really tried.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

i can hear your frustration. it sounds like stress has been getting the best of him and thats affecting you... .not uncommon during the holidays.

Just because many of our electronic devices are all hitting a stage of obsolescence, and we can't just replace ALL of them in the same month, does not mean we are "broke".  Pick one, we replace it, wait a few months.  Repeat.  But that is logic, that is exercising control.  

i get this one. it always feels like i fix one thing, another breaks down, more break down. a constant, depressing drain. i personalize it too, it somehow feels like it only happens to me, when its just the reality of technology and living. i dont think the response you typed here is bad. any way to frame it in terms of a "plan"? i know that usually helps me feel a load off, when i mentally can see steps and a time frame where things will get done/work out.

It's cold - cold makes him feel worse physically.  The sun is also on its way down by the time we get out of work, and this adds to his already depressed state.  His sleep schedule has gotten terribly off since the holidays, and so he's not getting to sleep until about 3AM (meaning I am not often able to get uninterrupted sleep, if I can fall asleep).  

nothing you can do about the cold, obviously. fortunately we arent too far off from spring. it sounds trite, but i know from experience how upside down your world can get when your sleep schedule gets off. its isolating, it can make everything feel like groundhog day, any bad thought(s) get magnified and its hard to get away from. is this a pattern for him? is he open to treating it?

Trying tools

what tools are you trying?

feel like overall I am stopping from JADEing as much as I feel the need to do

as difficult as it is, stopping JADEing can be really freeing for us in the long term; gives us a lot more peace and space, limits the conflict. is this a recent change youve put into practice?

[isilme]

JADEing - I think I am getting better at catching it when I am doing it and stopping, or not starting in the first place. 

Mostly I try validation and SET as much as I can make them work to decrease being invalidating or poor communication.  Nothing is perfect, but it's something. 

I'm tired, too, and that makes me quite irritable, and have had my own poor health issues crop up here and there, so my resilience is always tested in the winter months. 

Good things - even though he complains about them for what I just call "bachelor ways" (kinda messy and unkempt overall), he has started going to an RPG gaming shop to be able to play with some local guys a few Saturdays.  It's good - for about 2 years he has been staying home at all times, only going anywhere if he decided WE were both going.  I've had no time to myself at home, no time to simply have a little space and peace for myself, or time to do things that are just easier with him out of the house (like mop). 

He's agreeing in words at least to allow me to take some things to Goodwill.  I know the process is still long ahead of us, and I will still bear the brunt of getting it done, but it's a start to finally cleaning out a lot of clutter.  He likes to hold onto things because he connects with things, from defunct VHS cassettes that won't read in a machine anymore to clothes several sizes too big.  I've moved so much as a kid, and lost so many items due to poor parental choices and sudden moves, I have a select, small number of sentimental items I'd be heartbroken over losing.  He has a hoarding mother, and so for him, letting go of a broken gaming system last month as hard. 

He claims he is making some strides in his writing.  I want to believe him, but simply let him talk and don't push either way - that never helps. 

A small cause of stress, but good I think overall if he can follow thru - a friend who started his own business asked if we could do few art-related tasks for him - a logo and some 3-d printed model painting.  The friend hates painting and is offering well, the cost of one of the devices to be replaced, for us to do some painting.  I'm the logo guru - I worked over the holidays with the friend, and got him a logo.  H just needs to send final files and invoice.  H is the one who wanted to work on the model painting, but he has procrastinated, and had a mild meltdown over it and not being able to access the instructions on his phone last night. 

Open to treatment - not really.  Not in the way people usually mean - drugs, or T.  He and I both have a fear of substance abuse - runs in our families.  He is also super paranoid about drug interactions, being over medicated, and counts his vitamins as being "overmedicated", not just the 2 maintenance pills he HAS to take for blood pressure and blood sugar.  He also does not always react the way you are supposed to with sedatives, like those for pain medication, and often becomes wired instead of sleepy, so I have never encouraged him asking for anything as a prescription sleep aid.

I have gotten him to agree to homeopathic remedies at times, teas, and sometimes he will take herbal supplements to help him sleep, like valerian and melatonin.  He will sometimes use St. John's Wort for mood issues, when the depression or anxiety kick in really bad.  He feels some sort of pride in not taking anything and just trying to deal. 

Mostly, I am just tired myself.  I cleaned out some cabinets and drawers and feel good about that small accomplishment, and have been working to just keep the house at what I find a comfortable level of clean with no real help from him.  I sometimes can't help but internalize his complaints about "our house is broken, it's a mess, it's junk" as a failure on my part.  I KNOW better, but I FEEL bad sometimes anyway.  He's talking about his feelings which to him are "facts".  And I fight codependency so I can have my own feelings AND stick to facts, but the battle inside myself to re-think things isn't always easy.  I dobn't hate winter - I kinda like it, but I am also tired by what comes with it.  I know things for us are far less volitile than they used to be, and a lot of this are flare ups that last a day or an evening, and then pass unti the next one, rather than some of the nightmares other people are living right now with spouses running off, threatening self harm, or worse.  I just find typing on here to be theraputic for me, and since I can no longer feel safe keeping a journal (long story) this is how I get things out.

[once removed]

JADEing - I think I am getting better at catching it when I am doing it and stopping, or not starting in the first place. 

reason i ask is because i think sometimes when we change this dynamic, it can feel, to our partners, like we are pulling away, change is scary, yada yada, even though we are really working toward a greater good for both parties. and i dont need to tell you that sometimes they ramp it up as a result.

I'm tired, too, and that makes me quite irritable, and have had my own poor health issues crop up here and there, so my resilience is always tested in the winter months. 

thats really tough and i can imagine it doesnt make anything easy. i hope that you are able to take good care of yourself the best you can, and i hope you get some some sun soon, so to speak

Good things - even though he complains about them for what I just call "bachelor ways" (kinda messy and unkempt overall), he has started going to an RPG gaming shop to be able to play with some local guys a few Saturdays.  It's good - for about 2 years he has been staying home at all times, only going anywhere if he decided WE were both going.  I've had no time to myself at home, no time to simply have a little space and peace for myself, or time to do things that are just easier with him out of the house (like mop). 

thats certainly a good development. im a (solo) rpg gamer myself, and a firm believer that games, like a book or a movie, can be great for the soul. nothing better than being able to share with like minded folks. huge win win if it gives you some space.

He's agreeing in words at least to allow me to take some things to Goodwill.  I know the process is still long ahead of us, and I will still bear the brunt of getting it done, but it's a start to finally cleaning out a lot of clutter. 

its no small conflict really. im messy, and what i would call not quite hoarding but "overly sentimental", and i know it is a serious drag, especially if like most people, you like a clean and clutter free environment. if he will let you do it, its a pain in the butt, but progress.

He claims he is making some strides in his writing.  I want to believe him, but simply let him talk and don't push either way - that never helps. 

H is the one who wanted to work on the model painting, but he has procrastinated, and had a mild meltdown over it and not being able to access the instructions on his phone last night. 

does he do this often? is he the type that gets especially frustrated when stuff doesnt cooperate?

Open to treatment - not really.  Not in the way people usually mean - drugs, or T. 

... .

I have gotten him to agree to homeopathic remedies at times, teas, and sometimes he will take herbal supplements to help him sleep, like valerian and melatonin.

this (melatonin specifically) is what i was aiming at. it changed my life. im with the both of you if you want something safe to take long or short term that works, and therapy can be tough to implement and stick to anyway. if hes amenable to st johns wort you might try pushing sam-e if you havent already.

Mostly, I am just tired myself.  I cleaned out some cabinets and drawers and feel good about that small accomplishment, and have been working to just keep the house at what I find a comfortable level of clean with no real help from him.  I sometimes can't help but internalize his complaints about "our house is broken, it's a mess, it's junk" as a failure on my part.  I KNOW better, but I FEEL bad sometimes anyway.  He's talking about his feelings which to him are "facts".  And I fight codependency so I can have my own feelings AND stick to facts, but the battle inside myself to re-think things isn't always easy.

it isnt. and frankly, if hes not helping, its that much easier to internalize and take it upon yourself, ya know? complaints and negativity rub off just the same as positivity too.

I just find typing on here to be theraputic for me, and since I can no longer feel safe keeping a journal (long story) this is how I get things out.

it helps to talk, and its especially tough when you dont have an outlet or cant otherwise communicate these things with your partner. we are listening, and it does sound like youve come a long way. count your victories, but also dont minimize your struggles, i know how hard it can be.