Trouble with focus and memory since breakup—anyone relate?

[lostdorothy]

I have been reading this site for a few weeks and it has helped me tremendously. I have left my UBPDh. It has been 6 months and I have good days and bad days.
I feel like no one understands why I can't just get over it and move on. They do not understand the obsession. Not even my therapist.
It seems that it is constantly on my mind to the point that I can not concentrate or remember things. Do any of you have trouble with focusing or with your memory? It is like my brain processes things slowly. I feel like I am not being productive at work because of it. What do you think causes that? The trauma? Or is it that we do not know how to think now that we are detached from our trauma bond. Is it that we do not know how to think of feel on our own? My therapist even asks me "what do you want in life? What are some goals you have for yourself?" I draw blanks every time. Strange in the land of OZ, huh.

[hope2727]

Welcome. I am sorry you had to find us. YES I almost went nuts trying to get him out of my head. Cost me jobs and friends and years of my life but it does get better. keep going   

[Pencil sketch]

Lostdorothy, I think this is one of the hardest aspects of recovery to deal with. They are gone, but still controlling your every thought, mine was there from the moment I woke up, until I closed my eyes, I used to wish, there was a lid on top of my head, so I could reach in, and flick a switch, I couldn't function, and I would go out, get half way down the road, and wonder where the hell I was going, work suffered, and my concentration span, was zero.
All I can say, is, hang in there, it gets better. The thoughts are still th there, they just aren't as intrusive, and I don't feel like, I am going crazy. Slowly, your brain registers new experiences, new feelings, and it feels less tense. I have learnt, that coming out of an emotionally charged situation, as ours, our minds are flooded with chemicals, to help us cope, unfortunately, they make it hard for the mind to 'move on' and it keeps us stuck, it's crying out for its fix, and it takes time, to adjust, or decompress.
Hang in there, write stuff down, read on here, but more importantly, have belief, it won't always be like this.
Hugs xxx

[donkey2016]

Hi Lostdorothy,
I'm sorry that you're going through this difficult time but happy that you got out from the relationship. I'm also struggling with similar experience. So I found it really good that you brought it up here.I don't want to go back to my ex but I sense that I 'm still controlled by him and that I think about him several times every day. The first thing I think about when I wake up is him! Maybe that 's why we (nons) sometimes feel that we want to go back to them because we think about them all the time so we think that must mean that we miss them!

Today when I woke up - I started to feel angry and weird - thinking about how my ex. kept me "prisoner" with his gas lighting and manipulation. How difficult it was to get out of that. I think that another person can never understand that if they haven't experienced it. It's like a being kidnapped or held with a sect.

That's good Pencil sketch that you gave that explanation about the chemicals that flood our brain to have an explanation for all the confusion we go through. I have always struggled with distraction so I didn't even realize it until I had the Christmas break and I was completely exhausted. I hardly did anything for two weeks more than cooking and watching TV.

I think that focusing on the good changes in my life for me and my kids now when my ex. is gone - helps me to get through.
donkey2016

[Bushido]

They do not understand the obsession. Not even my therapist.
It " I draw blanks every time. Strange in the land of OZ, huh.

Hi lostdorthy...
I'm sorry for this state that you are in.
But i'm glad you are here.
No one can understand how it is ... having gone thru the land of oz... .Unless you've been there.
I know how you feel... And everyone here are very supportive and understanding.
Just keep moving forward...
... .Take one day at a time.

[lostdorothy]

Thank you all for responding! I thought I was losing it. I guess I was so used to worrying about him that it consumed my thoughts. Even though I am out it still consumes them. We have to retrain our brains to think normally. I was doing much better and then here comes the holidays. How awful the holidays were. Even though I know that they WANT us to worry about them and to be miserable on the holidays. It is so maddening.
Thank you all for your support. I feel relief and heartbreak to know that others have been where I am.
God Bless you all.

[hope2727]

TOTALLY!


I swear I lost 20 IQ points. I actually had myself tested for dementia.

I studied trauma as part of my uni program last year and essentially our brains are deeply altered by these events. I'm actually in class at the moment and can't write a proper response but essentially take gentle care of yourself. Eat well, sleep as much as you need, walk or run or exercise gently in some way a bit each day, get out in nature whenever possible, talk  to someone (preferable a therapist), treat yourself to small joys etc etc.

Think of it as a horrible car wreck that you are recovering from horrible physical injuries. You would need rest, nutrition, physical and occupational therapy, massage, recreation time, counselling and much more. We essentially have a horrific emotional and mental trauma. We wouldn't expect ourselves to get up and go to work and function optimally after a horrific physical injury so don't expect it of yourself after a mental and emotional injury.

Oh and maybe don't start a grad degree right away like I did. 
It was not the best plan I have ever had.

 

[Fie]

Lostdorothy, hello !

Yes, I relate. For several months after my break up with NPD/BPD I felt like my brain was 'fogged'. I could not think as clearly as before.

And then the rumination of course ... .But indeed the not being able to concentrate came on top of that.

What I did was go running. I got the impression that helped. Fresh air. I tried to eat healthy, and to sleep more. A bit like if I'd had the flu.

A good book about the physical explanation of this is 'The journey from abandonment to healing'. That might explain a lot.

I remember this helped me to feel less 'abnormal' (I was not on here yet, then) :  www.gettinbetter.com/fallout.html

It described how I felt, really.


xxx

[once removed]

I have been reading this site for a few weeks and it has helped me tremendously.

... .

I feel like no one understands why I can't just get over it and move on.

it might sound trite: interact with the board more. support groups have innumerable benefits, they make us feel more connected to others, they help, in ways, to normalize our experience and to feel less isolated.

like others have said, the symptoms themselves are not abnormal and will run their course as you process, and its a solid step to have a therapist to help as well. have you discussed the lack of concentration with your therapist?